Tuesday, December 9, 2025

Tuesday, December 9, 2025 -- Mattie died 823 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and was spending Christmas with my parents in Los Angeles. I captured my dad and Mattie clapping to music and entertaining each other. My dad used to have a whole routine with Mattie that would crack him up in laughter! I am so glad I captured these silly moments. Because believe it or not, it is hard for me to remember my dad when he was well. This is what happens when you care intensely for someone who is ill, the illness has a way of robbing your memories of the once healthy and intact person!

Quote of the day: My world is a million shattered pieces put together, glued by my tears, where each piece is nothing but a reflection of you. ~ Sanhita Baruah

Recap, I brought my dad to the emergency room on Saturday, and he was admitted to the hospital on Sunday at 3:30am. So today was day 3 in the hospital! He was admitted with a brain bleed, and he presented as being very confused, disoriented and unstable on his feet. 

My mom and I feel like the walking wounded and she is falling apart. My mom is very, very tired, and her voice is raspy. I have to now watch that she doesn't get sick. I want to leave her home, while I go to the hospital, but she doesn't want to be left behind, and in actually that is probably just as well, because she can't be left to her devices and wouldn't know how to care for herself. 

When I got up this morning, I went downstairs in my pajamas to check on my mom. When my dad is in the hospital, she prefers sleeping on the couch with the TV on. Though she wanted to get up this morning, I told her to lie back down. She needed the rest and I gave her Tylenol. While she was resting, I spent some time paying bills. Or I should say, my usual monthly juggling act of figuring how I am paying bills. I am so grateful that my computer was working this morning. Last night when I got home from the hospital, my computer was acting up! Which was odd because I get it checked through Geek Squad every two months. Any case, I was frustrated as I couldn't get my browser to work, without rebooting my computer every time. Mind you I had a full day in the hospital, but at 9pm, I decided to log into my Geek Squad account and got them to help me. This was one of the best things I ever invested in.... technology help! The agent working with me was lovely and after about an hour, my computer was working perfectly! This however is the one major side effects of my divorce, I suffer from anxiety and fear about everything. 

Back to this morning, after bill paying, I went upstairs to shower and dress. While getting dressed, my phone rang. It was the hospital! On the other end was the case manager assigned to my dad! I literally did not give her a second to speak, because I said to her if she was calling to talk about discharge, she is going to have a problem with me! Of course she was calling about discharge! Literally this woman had no idea what hit her. I explained to her that prior to hospitalization my dad could walk, but after a few days in the hospital (with multiple bed transfers and being placed on ct scan and xray beds) my dad's back is in severe pain. I told her it was the hospital's responsibility to return him to baseline. She then suggested that I hire a caregiver if he returns home! I told her my dad has me, he doesn't need a caregiver. He needs skilled professionals like physical and occupational therapists to help him recover and that this could only happen in the hospital's acute rehab facility. I made it very clear that he is NOT going to a nursing home for rehab. 

I am quite certain that many of the health care providers I interact with think I am a b*tch. Sorry, I truly do not care! My role is to advocate for my dad and look out for his best interest in a system that could care less about a 90 year old! When I arrived at the hospital today, I found my dad totally OUT OF IT on pain medication. He slept the entire day away and couldn't be aroused! This was very concerning because if he doesn't start moving soon, he won't be able to, as he has been bed bound since Saturday. His nurse today was an angel! She was professional, kind, and was a great advocate. Unlike his nurse from the past two days. A stellar nurse can make all the difference in the world. Any case, Fatima understood that pain meds had to be stopped and that we needed a plan moving forward. 

In the process my dad's rehab physician (who runs the acute rehab center at the hospital) came to visit and assess him. He decided that my dad needed a ct scan on his lumber and thoracic spine and of his pelvis to rule out any sort of fracture. Because without this data, everyone is going to be afraid to move him! He then explained that to qualify to get into acute rehab, my dad needs to be alert enough and be able to move! So tomorrow a physical therapist is coming to evaluate my dad! I am sure she will come when I am not there, but her assessment will truly determine the next step of his recovery process. I am frustrated because without my presence, my dad could land up getting discharged without getting the rehab he needs. 

After that visit, the hospitalist came in to visit. This is a doctor who basically oversees your care when inpatient. They write all orders, scripts, and direct care. I told him that my dad's rehab doctor visited and that he recommended ct scans. The hospitalist is a young man and don't you know it, he said to me.... don't you think we should ask your dad what he wants to do?! Meaning whether my dad wants to go home, rehab there and relax, or instead go to rehab and take an active part in his recovery! NOPE, I did not like that question! I told him you can't ask a 90 year old man with moderate stage dementia what he wishes to do! My dad will always choose to relax versus physically work! That would NOT BE IN HIS BEST INTEREST or help with his overall quality of life. So I said, as my dad's medical power of attorney, I have to make this decision for him, as I know what he is capable of and how he would want to live his life. Which means..... he needs rehab, he needs to get out of bed, and he needs to move his body. 

In any case, with each day I get more and more fatigued as it is wearing running back and forth to the hospital and constantly advocating on my dad's behalf. Case in point, tonight, a transporter came to take my dad for his ct scans. He wanted to transfer my dad from his bed onto the transporter gurney. Trust me transfers that use a sliding board are very hard on my dad. So between myself and Fatima (the nurse) we advocated that the transporter keep my dad in his hospital bed and wheel him to the CT scan in his own bed. I also told the transporter NOT to leave my dad alone, because if he did I was coming with them and overseeing the process. The transporter assured me he would stay with my dad and unlike Sunday's x-ray which took 2.5 hours (leading to my dad's thorough confusion), tonight's total time that he was away from me was 20 minutes. I have learned I can advocate for my dad to be taken to scans in his hospital bed and that I can demand that the transporter stay with him. I learn something new in every admission! 

I was at the hospital today from 1pm to 7pm. By the time I got home, though tired, the chores begin. This is where having a spouse would truly be of help, as the burden gets shared. Where I would have someone looking out for my best interest, but what I have learned from the cruelty of this divorce is that the only one that who is responsible for me, is me. 

When I arrived home, I received a beautiful card and gift from a colleague and friend of mine from graduate school. I thanked Jean tonight and told her I truly do not know what I have done to be deserving of her incredible kindness and generosity over these last 16 years. A portion of her response was.... 

I always looked up to you and admired you during our time at GW. Now I am amazed at all you do and have done and feel it is so so unfair all you have been through.

Jean reminded me tonight of the person I once was, as the joke in grad school was.... does Vicki ever sleep? Because I could do the work of ten people! Back in grad school, I was a person who did not have the baggage of childhood cancer, child loss, and divorce. Life seemed so different then and unfortunately that Vicki has now died, and though I may look physically the same, my spirit has been crushed.