Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. Mattie was four years old and that spring break we took him with his grandparents to Key West, FL. Along our journey we came upon this dinosaur. But look closely, as the structure was comprised of found metal pieces. Mattie loved it and he posed for a photo next to it giving us his dinosaur impression!
Quote of the day: And I felt a deep sense of embarrassment about it. James was the one who had an affair, who walked out, but the shame had become mine. I had made it mine, I was an abandoned wife, a woman rejected by her husband, a woman who had failed to keep her family together. I would be the outsider among all married people, all the intact families, all the women who were wanted by their husbands. ~ Belle Burden
If you read the blog posting from February 20, then you know I was gifted the book, Strangers A memoir of Marriage. Given the chaos of my life, I can read this book in bits and pieces. Today I picked it back up while out with my mom and I got to read several more pages. The book does a good job at describing the plight of being divorced. I remember when I was in graduate school, it was clear that divorce is a life altering experience and can be traumatic, but back then, I was too young and too naive. Mainly because marriages in my immediate family are intact, and long term. I never witnessed someone I loved go down this very painful path. I think there are aspects of divorce that can be easier for some couples versus others. Perhaps couples who have a history of issues, problems, fighting, and difficulties, or couples who mutually decide upon a divorce, can face and cope with the process slightly easier.
In this book, the author faces a separation during the height of COVID-19. She describes how social distancing enabled her to avoid people, to avoid conversation and to have to make small talk at parties and get togethers. Of course on the flip side, with social distancing, she was also unable to seek the support of trusted family members and friends to help her along this journey. I heard what she was saying and I would say that my intense caregiving is equivalent in a way to the social isolation associated with COVID-19. My days are full of tasks, chores, and crises, making it impossible to seek social support.
But here's the thing...... does social support help? I think it depends on who you ask! If you were to ask me, the answer would be NO, NO, and NO! Why? Well I learned this first hand when Mattie died. When you are facing a crisis, the crisis scares people! I can't tell you how many families avoided me like the plaque when they saw me in stores. I will never forget families practically running through the aisles to avoid me. At the time it hurt, I felt ignored and an outcast. Now with more distance and years behind Mattie's death, I realize that they were running for various reasons.... my situation frightened them, they did not know what to say to me, and perhaps they thought that talking about Mattie's death would make me sadder (if that was at all possible, which it wasn't). Though I am aware of the fact that a divorce is very different from child loss, there are some similarities with all crises.... they make people uneasy.
In addition to crises making people uneasy, at the end of the day, no matter how much support you have.... YOU are the ONLY one sitting with the thoughts, feelings, and issues. These things do not belong to anyone else and therefore it is easier for others to move on and perhaps be confused as to why you can't! That said, I would say this book has been helpful for me because when I wonder why I am floundering and face a whole host of feelings and thoughts almost two years after my separation, I can now see that I am not alone. This is the natural reaction of feeling deeply hurt and whose future has gone up in flames. Some day when I am no longer caregiving, I will not only be facing life without my parents, but I will have to face my divorce head on. Right now caregiving enables me to put the full ramifications of this nightmare on hold. Which is a mixed blessing.
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