Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was ten months old and was invited to a birthday tea party that day. The children were asked to get dressed up, as if they were going for high tea. So Mattie was wearing a cute shirt and a blue cardigan. Naturally he had no idea why he was getting dressed up, but he was a good sport and put up with the request. I snapped this photo before we headed to the party. When I look at this photo now, it is truly impossible to believe that all I have left of Mattie are photos!
Quote of the day: A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work. ~ John Lubbock
It was another 5:30am rising today! I have a running joke in my head as every neighbor of mine goes to bed early. I typically am the last one up on the street, based on house lights. Yet many times I am also the first one on the block who is awake. It speaks to the chronic exhaustion I have, as I operate on very little sleep. Trying to herd my parents out the door at 9:20am today for a doctor's appointment, was almost impossible!
We see my parent's rehabilitation physician every three months. Like all of my parent's doctors, this doctor today is also very aware of how much I balance. However, these doctors don't know the whole story. They don't know about the loss of Mattie and they most definitely do not know about my separation and divorce. Instead, they assume that I have a spouse at home helping me! Managing the full-time care of parents is hard, but add to it a divorce and it is truly a diabolical combination. Any case the doctor wanted to know how I was doing today. I commented to him that I am dealing with a painful flair up of costochondritis (inflammation of the cartilage connecting the ribs to the breastbone). It never dawned on me but while talking to him, we concluded that my flair up is from trying to lift my dad up out of chairs and bed. I am not sure why I did not put two and two together, but when the doctor saw my dad's physical decline, he quickly assessed that I must be helping him!
Honestly there are some days when I say to myself..... how much more of this can I do? This is a heavy question, because if I am not caregiving, that will mean that my parents are no longer alive. Then what? Then I am alone and the reality of being divorced and emotionally hurt will become a 24/7 nightmare. Since I couldn't sit too long with these feelings today.... outside I went. I spent an hour picking up downed branches and limbs in the yard from the horrible winter. I have a ton of work ahead of me this spring, but I had to start somewhere.
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