Sunday, May 10, 2026

Sunday, May 10, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Mother's Day of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that day we took him to one of his favorite restaurants to celebrate the day. To me, Mattie was the picture of health, full of life, and had an incredible energy and curiosity for everything and everyone around him. If Mattie were alive now, he would be 24 years old. I can't imagine what he would be like, but the one thing I am quite confident about is that Mattie and I would have remained close and he would definitely have been an incredible ally and deeply upset about my divorce.

Quote of the day: While I was writing my book, I want to Grow Hair, I Want to Grow Up, I Want to Go to Boise, I talked with mothers who had lost a child to cancer. Every single one said death gave their lives new meaning and purpose. And who do you think prepared them for the rough, lonely road they had to travel? Their dying child. They pointed their mothers toward the future and told them to keep going. The children had already accepted what their mothers were fighting to reflect. ~ Erma Bombeck

I surprised my mom with a balloon and a huge hydrangea plant for Mother's Day! My mom loves hydrangeas and I plan on planting this beauty in the backyard! Though I am distraught today, I wanted my mom to have a good day. 

I asked my dad to stand next to my mom, so that I could snap a photo of both of them. No matter what I did, he couldn't get the concept and landed up in front of her and he did not want to look up. 

When we got to the restaurant, Cheryl (our server) had all sorts of cards and gifts for us. All the managers came over to hug us and I very much appreciate the kindness of those we interact with each week. But eating with my parents is never easy, as my dad is trapped in his head and never says a word, and my mom has her own issues and is glued to her cell phone. She spends countless hours on Facebook and I guess it was so noticeable today that other guests around us were staring. I am sure my table looks like an unexplained riot. 

We were surrounded by happy families today. Families with children of all ages, including even a baby. All I could think of is.... aren't you all lucky and I am not sure you even know it! 

After Mattie died, Mother's Day was problematic. But now Mother's Day feels like a day of death to me. The one I hoped would be there to always remind me that I was Mattie's mom is gone. Gone and with being gone, it is like Mattie's existence has also been erased. All of this plays games with my mind! Also as a caregiver to my parents for five years now, without even one day break, I miss being married, and sharing life's ups and downs with someone who I knew and trusted, and I most definitely miss having someone in my life who was looking out for me. The only thing Mother's Day reminds me of is loss and more loss.