Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was Mother's Day and we went out for brunch to one of the restaurants Mattie loved in Maryland. This restaurant has a pond out front with turtles, frogs and fish. All the things that intrigued Mattie. In this particular photo Mattie was showing how much he loved me.... he crossed his hands over his heart. To me this is a priceless photo and as I face yet another Mother's Day without Mattie, I cling to the photos that remind me that yes indeed I was once a mom. To compound the loss, I also do not have my other half to share memories and to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. So in essence I am enduring the death of my son as well as of my other half.
Quote of the day: Life chips away at us all. Some play the victim. Some choose to be a survivor. And then there are those who choose to conquer. ~ Author Unknown
I had my usual routine today, but then at 5pm, I was invited to my neighbor's party. They were throwing a high school graduation for their daughter. That may sound like a nice thing, but social events are very hard for me. As they were setting up for the party today, I could see the activity through my windows. While they were doing something normal and fun, I was dealing with bowel movements and massive clean ups. When I look at my life..... Mattie getting cancer, Mattie dying, facing divorce after a 35 year relationship, and doing intense caregiving, I am VERY cognizant that I am NOT like the average person. I never got to see Mattie go to high school, much less graduate. Therefore going to a party takes great courage on my part.
In addition it is Mother's Day weekend. I have a whole range of emotions over this! On aside, I found out who sent me the flowers yesterday! If you recall, I received a bouquet of flowers and there was no note. Turns out the flowers are from my former in-laws. Remember that they have been a part of my life since I was 19, and though I am not legally a part of their family, I am still considered family, and after all, isn't family BIGGER than just the legal definition?
Back to the party! I took my parents out to lunch today, so that I could get them home, settled, and I could walk over to the party. I met my neighbors at the party and we sat together. These neighbors know all the challenges I face, so that alone put me at ease. The young girl that is graduating is a love. For the past two years, I would see her weekly at Starbucks. She would go there after school and study, and I mean study. I was always impressed with her determination and focus, and whenever she would see me, she would say hello and we would exchange conversation.
Any case, I congratulated her parents today and for some reason while talking to them I started crying. Obviously this young lady isn't my daughter, but I still could feel deeply for how hard she worked to graduate and get into a good college. But I think the crying is much deeper..... as I am crying about the many losses in my life and the fact that I will never have these experiences with Mattie and unlike my neighbors, I am no longer in a long term committed relationship. It is just devastating. But this is telling.... when I have a minute alone, the depths of my losses flood me with emotion.
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