Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I remember taking this adorable photo! We went out to eat on the island of Coronado (San Diego). The restaurant faced the water and Mattie was thrilled because he could order pizza. This was such a happy moment. The loss of Mattie has changed my entire life, as I lost my identity of being a mom, I lost the ability to see Mattie grow up and find his way in the world, and I lost the opportunity to eventually be a grandparent. Now of course I also see the changes in my parents, and that too is humbling.
Quote of the day: I make a point to appreciate all the little things in my life. I go out and smell the air after a good, hard rain. These small actions help remind me that there are so many great, glorious pieces of good in the world. ~ Dolly Parton
I started my day at 5am. I had to get up that early in order to get things done before my electrician, Bob, came at 8am. Bob is a morning person! He was at my house before 8am, and ironically he lives over an hour away from me. I asked Bob to help me change some outdoor light timers which burned out and to replace part of my under counter kitchen lights, as many are no longer working. In fact, when I saw Bob in June, he had me order the kitchen string light replacements. Turns out the lights he had me order were the wrong ones. Which meant I had to return them on Amazon. However, my return window expired. That did not stop me, as I got on Amazon chat and as always they assisted me and gave me a refund. But this time, I wasn't going to order the lights without Bob being present. Bob had me order them from his company's warehouse and I got the contractor price. So that means at some point when the lights come in, it's another early morning.
Bob did help me with the outdoor timers, but he left me with the manuals to program them. God help me. I read the manual for 40 minutes and who knows if they will actually turn on tonight. I most likely screwed it up and will have to go back at it. It is times like this that I absolutely hate my existence. Things were must better when I shared them with my other half.
Later this morning, Steve, my outdoor guru, showed up to do maintenance work on the grass. Before I owned a house, I thought grass just grew on its own. I had no idea how difficult it is to maintain! It needs weeding, seeding, aerating, and it gets diseased easily! Every time I see Steve, it is like I get another installment of a soap opera. He is a lovely person, but has had a very hard time finding a significant other. Every time I chat with him, I think to myself.... NOPE! I will never be doing this, as I have heard enough of his on-line connection nightmares. I met my other half the natural way, in college, and we knew each other for seven years before we got married, and even that did not guarantee me a life long connection. It saddens me, as I am mentally aware that one doesn't need a partner to be happy in life, but from my experience it does make life not only worth living but richer.
I was juggling one issue after the other today and then someone from the research team that I am a part of sent me the next publication regarding our Psychosocial Standards of Care that is getting ready to be submitted to a journal. Do you know that seeing this paper sent me right over the deep end. Not the content! Not the people who worked on it! But the simple notion that I am not productive. I am not interacting with the world. I DO NOT live a normal life. My life has been decimated. I lost everything and in the midst of losing everything, I am caregiving around the clock. It is very easy to downward spiral emotionally in my house and yet it takes a great deal of strength and courage to muddle through. So may tomorrow be a better day.
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