Monday, September 28, 2026

Monday, September 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was four years old and if I was in the kitchen, sure enough, Mattie wouldn't be far behind. He was like my little shadow. Yes I was his mom, but I was also his play companion. One of Mattie's favorite past times was to build! He would create with all sorts of objects and media. That day, he brought his tinker toys into the kitchen! When I look at my refrigerator back then and compare it to my refrigerator now, there is a night and day difference. A child brings magic into the home. Mattie's art creations, photos, and other memorabilia always were posted on the front of the refrigerator. He loved seeing these things, as did I! Now my refrigerator is just that.... a plain refrigerator. 

Quote of the day: The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again. ~ Charles Dickens

This is a wedding photo of my maternal grandmother. Her name was Anne. Today would have been her 119th birthday. She unfortunately died in 1994 from a stroke. My grandmother married when she was only 16 years old, she was just a child. The photographer who took this photo, was enamored with my grandmother, and apparently he blew up a large version of this photo and displayed it in his studio, for advertisement purposes. Leave it to my grandmother. She was a kind, gentle, bright, and a loving soul. She had a quiet strength about her, who experienced the death of her second child and the death of her husband to colon cancer when she was in her 50s. In many ways, we have lived a similar life, as I lost Mattie and my husband. Of course, unlike me, you would never know that my grandmother was sad, upset, or devastated by loss. That said, I was told countless times in my life that I brought a whole new life and happiness to my grandmother when I was born. I heard it, I absorbed it, but until I faced my own enormous losses, I DIDN'T GET IT! I get it now ten fold. It is my hope that my grandmother has been united with Mattie. 

I know that after Mattie died, my first thought was.... who will be taking care of Mattie? Who is looking after him? Is he scared, is he lonely? Of course not rational questions, but the worries of being a mom do not end when your child dies. 

Today I took my mom to the salon in the city for her hair and nail appointments. The woman who does our nails, I have known since Mattie died in 2009. She is the sister of the woman who used to style my hair. When my hairstylist learned about Mattie's death, she insisted on treating me for nail service. From that one appointment, I have been seeing the same manicurist for 17 years! We have gotten to know each other so well that she refers to me as "her therapist." Of course I am not, but according to her, I listen, I am supportive, I have good insights, and she feels connected to me. In any case, in 17 years I have gotten to know all the members of her family through her lens. When I see her, we pick up our conversation where we left off from the time before. About 12 years ago, she was devastated because a family member she was deeply close to stopped communicating with her. She was dropped, abandoned, and belittled. Given that I knew the connection they shared, and witnessed it, I could absolutely understand why she was distraught. Every time we met, we would talk about this loss. As loss of this kind, ambiguous loss (a painful experience that occurs when a person is physically present but psychologically gone, or when a relationship ends without a traditional closure), plays with your mind and makes you doubt every part of your existence. Though I hadn't experienced such an ambiguous loss at that time, (as I do now!) I could deeply feel what she was expressing. 

At one point in our dialoguing years ago, I told her, mark my words.... this person will eventually come back to you. I felt that in my heart of hearts because of the level of closeness they once shared. Of course, when I would say this, such a reunion did not seem possible! It seemed really out there! As I told her, it was okay if she couldn't process what I was saying, that I would hold that feeling for her. Do you know what? Now..... 12 years later...... my words and feelings have come true. These two women have reunited, reconnected, and the love once shared is being restored. Truly it is remarkable, and it reminds me that love is love! True love never dies and with hope anything is possible.