Friday, June 10, 2011

Friday, June 10, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Peter and I took Mattie out to dinner at one of his favorite Clyde's restaurants. As was typical on our dining adventures with Mattie we brought a whole bag full of things to keep him occupied throughout the meal. In front of Peter and Mattie was a puzzle. Peter and I constructed more puzzles, build more Lego structures, and re-assembled toy cars over meals than most people probably experience in a lifetime.

Quote of the day: He who is most slow in making a promise is the most faithful in the performance of it. ~ Jean-Jacques Rousseau

My dad sent me this quote today. At first glance these words may not hit you, but when you re-read it and allow them to be absorbed, you begin to understand the poignancy of this statement. Promises are a funny thing because they are so easy to make. After all, you just have to open your mouth and state something to someone. The catch of course is following through on your word and commitment. Which is why I suspect Rousseau felt that someone who ponders about whether to make a promise or not, and than slowly makes it, has every intention of keeping it. Many of us receive promises each day from others in our lives. Chances are, over time, we have learned who in our lives upholds and respects their promises and who is merely going through the motions and using words. As a child, and even as an adult, I have a memory like a steal trap. If you promise me something (a visit with a friend, a trip somewhere, etc), I will remember the promise and also whether it was delivered upon. I have a feeling my parents learned very quickly with me not to commit to things that they couldn't follow through on. I admit my expectations for others I am most close to is quite high, but it is my hope that others also see that if I commit to something or to help you, I mean it. Promises to me mean something, and I am slow to make them. So now I have to wonder if my dad sent me this quote because it in essence he saw that it captures a part of my style.

This morning I was listening to the radio while getting ready for attend a board meeting. On the radio everyone was talking about how it is Friday, and they played this annoying (from my perspective) Happy Friday song. As I was listening to this crazy song, all I could think about was how insensitive this song is. Sure to the average person today is Friday and the end of a work week. But for so many people Friday means nothing. Certainly anyone in the military would understand my philosophy! However, my brain naturally went to the pediatric units of hospitals. For families in the hospital there is NO FRIDAY! In fact, Friday is a dreaded day of the week, because the weekends are like a ghost town in most institutions. So all I could think of is that radio and most of the media have no idea about the percentage of people who work around the clock either securing freedoms or caregiving for sick family members. For all of these people there are NO Fridays!

I had a four hour long licensure board meeting today. Each month a portion of the meeting is open to the public. Today a public member came before the board to discuss his professional credential. I have been at this position for a while now, and over time I have gotten rather attuned to legitimate versus fabricated requests. Some months it is a challenge, but after each of these meetings, I always feel as if I have accomplished something and am furthering the regulation of the profession of counseling in the District of Columbia.

After my meeting, I had the opportunity to meet my friend, Sara at the National Gallery of Art. I met Sara at Mattie's preschool. Sara was Zachary's nanny. As so many of my readers know, Zachary was one of Mattie's closest friends. These boys had a very special bond and they were instantaneously attracted to each other from the first day of preschool. While at preschool, they were inseparable. They had a lot in common, and yet had some differences, but they always respected each other and defended one another. Anyone who knew Mattie, knew Zachary and vice verse. I certainly know how my life has been impacted by Mattie's cancer and death. But there are days I wonder how such a profound loss impacts the life of a young person. Sure Mattie and Zachary met each other when they were only 3 years old and their relationship ended with Mattie's death four years later, but a part of me truly believes the kind of friendship they had was unique, special, and most likely not replaceable. I will always feel a connection to Zachary and I will always wonder as he grows and matures how Mattie has affected his life and future.

At the end of Mattie's preschool experience, Sara and her husband, Jay, became pregnant with their first son, Ninja. You can see this cutie in the blue t-shirt in this picture. Ninja is truly a force. In fact, he has so much life, energy, and happiness about him that for a brief moment he reminded me of Mattie. Ninja is VERY engaging. He makes beautiful eye contact with you, listens to what you are saying, and has fascinating commentary. He was excited about the museum, seeing new things, and taking in his environment. To me these are special and unique qualities in children, and these were characteristics of my Mattie. On some level, I believe Ninja knew exactly who I was and what I lost. It was as if he was trying to connect with me and let me know that a little person could feel connected with me. He was playing games with me, and simply acting in ways that Mattie would. Naturally Ninja did not know Mattie, but the irony is when Ninja was a baby, Mattie held him. This was the ONLY baby Mattie ever held. The other cutie who is sleeping in this picture is Sara's second son, and I learned today she is expecting her third child in December.

Jay snapped a picture of Sara and I together. What you need to understand is that Sara and I spent a great deal of time together during preschool. She was Zachary's nanny, but she was ultimately my friend. I trusted her with Mattie and I appreciated her kind, gentle, and yet good judgment when it came to raising children. Each day after preschool, Mattie and Zachary would want a play date. So literally four days a week we would spend hours together after school. When you spend this much time together, you get to learn a lot about a person. I miss those days and I know Sara can't believe Mattie is gone. Yet despite his death, she is an avid blog reader and reaches out to me electronically often.

I continue to be a full range of emotions this week, and was very down this evening. In the midst of being down, I received several text messages from my friend, Tanja (Katharina's mom). She had been reading the blog and got the feeling I could use a friend. It is amazing how receiving a compassionate and understanding message can make a recipient feel! Tanja wanted to know how on earth I planted anything this week in this heat and as we chatted back and forth she stated that my gardening helps me stay connected with Mattie! I couldn't have said it better, it is a true labor of love!!! Tanja wrote several messages, but here is a compilation of several that helped me see that others do understand and have not forgotten. Tanja wrote, "While I am not living the life you do, I understand how you feel. I have kept up with the blog and every posting deeply resonates with me. You describe your feelings so well. I understand how you can feel disconnected, especially at a time when most families are spending most of their time with their children and your life is missing the essential part of who you are - a mother! I think though that many of your blog readers understand how you feel and sympathize with you. I love the pictures on the blog from your vacation. I think that Mattie showed you that he is with you all the time. Thanks to the peace and quiet of the beach you and Peter were able to sense his continued presence in your life. I appreciate the trust in me and the understanding you have! I am always in awe with how you are able to reach out to others, empathize with them and support them despite the terrible trauma you have been through and continue to live with daily. Make sure to take care of yourself and get the rest you need. Mattie and many others need you and your Foundation's work. But you must take care of yourself first!   

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Thursday, June 9, 2011
Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie had just turned four years old. I was outside on our deck, hosing it down, and getting it ready for planting season. As you can see, Mattie requested to be soaked with water from the hose. Which explains why he was dripping wet in this photo. The funny part about Mattie was he enjoyed getting messy, jumping in sand, mud, and all sorts of stuff, but he also loved being clean. In that sense, Mattie was just like me, we both love organization in our lives and for things to be clean and neat.

Quote of the day: I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it. ~ Maya Angelou

I am not in a writing kind of mood tonight. Some nights I do sit down at the computer and wonder what I will write. Tonight, that isn't so much the problem, since I have various thoughts and feelings I could discuss, but I am choosing not to right now. I would imagine my life is hard to fathom to some, or even why I have the need to write each night. Tonight's quote was sent to me by my former student and friend, Charlie. The irony is Maya Angelou was the speaker at my college graduation. As I read this quote, I would most definitely agree that my life has been forever changed by Mattie's death. Do I think his death has reduced me? That is a strange notion in my mind. On the contrary, experiencing cancer and then the death of my only child can't possibly REDUCE me. It can only overwhelmingly add to my dimensions. Cancer has weighed down my mind, body, and heart, and these weights are difficult to bear each day. So some days I would love to be reduced, but I find with grief there simply is NO reduction!

I have noticed lately in the quieter moments of my day, I vividly reflect on aspects of Mattie, or play back a scene from his treatment. I find that I do this some times at night, and when this happens, I have to force myself into a diversion, otherwise there is no way I will go to sleep. If you think I can forget about Mattie's cancer treatment, his battle, our time in the hospital, his painful visits home between hospital treatments, or his death, you are sorely mistaken. Time continues marching on and for those around me, time may be healing, but for Peter and I, time only exacerbates the wounds.

I spent a good portion of the afternoon finishing up Ann's garden. At one point, my car thermometer read 107 degrees. It was broiling outside, and I couldn't spend as much time in the sun today based on my marathon planting day yesterday. But Ann's garden is looking lovely and I have incorporated a glass sun and metal butterfly into her garden as well. I meant to take pictures today, but I was just too wiped out and covered in dirt. But I promise pictures will be coming soon.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Peter and I took Mattie to Roosevelt Island. As you can see, Mattie climbed up on his favorite rock. He had several on the Island. The irony about Mattie was he was initially very tentative to climb, swing, or go down slides. But once he got the hang out of it, we loved the motion, movement, and the adventure!

Quote of the day: The tears I feel today

I'll wait to shed tomorrow.
Though I'll not sleep this night
Nor find surcease from sorrow.
My eyes must keep their sight:
I dare not be tear-blinded.
I must be free to talk
Not choked with grief, clear-minded.
My mouth cannot betray
The anguish that I know.
Yes, I'll keep my tears til later:
But my grief will never go. ~ Anne McCaffrey

I spent the entire day at Ann's house working on her garden. In fact, I met her and Abbie (her daughter) at the gardening store and we picked out plants together. Abbie has an eye for color and I appreciated her interest in looking at all the plants and picking out the ones she wished to plant. Gardening can be a very therapeutic hobby and it is wonderful to develop this interest in children at a young age. However, most people wouldn't have dreamed of gardening today. It was close to 100 degrees, sunny, and very humid. In fact, the Washington, DC area was under a code red air alert. Despite this, I was outside for at least six hours pruning and planting. I was armed with my hat, sunscreen, and bug spray. All those things helped greatly!

While getting ready to plant, a young fellow walked up to me. I am used to people walking in Ann's neighborhood, so I typically do not have my guard up. That was my first mistake today! Naturally if I were on my own turf, in the District of Columbia, this fellow wouldn't have gotten passed "hello" with me. But Ann's neighborhood is in suburbia and at times because I know so many of her neighbors, I fall into a false sense of complacency.

This young man told me he was selling magazines to earn points to go to college. He told me he wanted to go to Pennsylvania State. He seemed nice enough, legitimate enough, and showed me his ID and the permit from the company he is working for to earn points. However, while I was talking to him, I noticed a police car drive by. I could see that the notion of this car driving by made him nervous. However, it was also clear that I wasn't going to get rid of this person unless a bought a magazine subscription. I wouldn't give him a credit card or check! So I gave him cash. While we were doing this transaction, literally three police cars pulled up in front of Ann's house and stopped us. They pulled this fellow aside. I was fortunate that Ann's neighbor had just dealt with this fellow and called the police. Mind you while this was taking place, Ann's son was inside the house. I knew enough to know NOT to let this person inside the house.

Any case to make a long story short, the whole door to door magazine sale was a scam. It is unfortunate that the young men selling the magazines were also victims of the scam, because they honestly believed that they were earning points to get into college. I attached a link to magazine scams below. I have been out of the loop for a while, due to Mattie's cancer and death, but as I read the link below, I related to everything happening to me today. I am passing this information along to my readers in case such an incident happens to you. As the police officer told me, these scammers tell convincing and sad stories, and you feel compelled to help. Needless to say, the female police officer stayed with me the entire time, helped me get my cash back, and then removed these TWENTY young men who walked into the community to sell magazines!!!! The police officer was stellar and she gave me her business card in case I should run into any more trouble today. I appreciated that especially since the young man who took my money was VERY mad at me for asking him to give it back to me. Based on his level of instability, I wasn't sure if he would retaliate later.

Door to Door Magazine Scam:
http://listofscams.blogspot.com/2010/01/door-to-door-magazine-sales-scams-tips.html

As the day continued, I felt better because I could see that Ann's neighbors were home, and if I had a problem I would just seek their help. I also had the opportunity to see my friends Mary and Tina, who live in Ann's neighborhood. They drove by while I was planting! Ann's garden is in full bloom now with zinnias, angelonia which is also called summer snapdragons, celosia or the velvet flower, new guinea impatiens, and salvia. Tomorrow is going to be as hot as today, so we shall see how these new additions work out.

When Peter got home tonight, we had dinner outside on the deck and exchanged stories about our day. Mind you Peter was calling me on my cell phone throughout this police incident! Peter and I are trying to recall our time at the beach, and the more relaxed feelings we had last week. Even Patches enjoys our outside time while we are having dinner, and in a way she appreciates us being together surrounded by flowers and Mattie's fountains.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Tuesday, June 7, 2011 -- Mattie died 91 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2006. Peter and I took Mattie on a nature trail, and along our journey a tree had fallen. Mattie thought it would be a good idea to climb on the tree and check out the view from atop of the limb. As you can see from this picture his venture was a success.

Quote of the day: To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. ~ Unknown


Today was Peter's first full day back to work. I am sure after a 12 hour day, he feels as if he never went on vacation! When he arrived home tonight, I met him outside in the garden. I was watering our plants and lemon tree and trying to nurse everyone back to health! In his hands, he was carrying the mail. We have become a society of electronic communication, that rarely do we receive correspondence in the mail that is not a bill or advertisement. But today Peter handed me a card.

Our friend, Tamra, sent me a card. Many of my faithful blog readers know that Tamra was the member of Team Mattie who brought me all sorts of tasty treats while Mattie was in the hospital, and toward the end of Mattie's life she visited daily with tea and coffee for us. The day before Mattie died, Tamra dropped  off things in Mattie's room to us, she took one look at Mattie, said nothing, gave us both hugs, and turned around and left. That was actually the right thing to do! Because at that point, no words were necessary, able to be tolerated, or even acceptable given the situation before us. That moment in time and Tamra's sensitivity will always remain with me. When I opened Tamra's card today, she wanted us to know she was thinking of us and how much she loved the Foundation's Walk. She understood that was a labor of my love. On the front of Tamra's card was the beautiful quote reflected in tonight's blog. The quote is SO meaningful and powerful, because in all reality this is what we all desire. To be important and needed in the eyes of another. However, so many people are afraid to let others know how they feel. Therefore, Tamra's card and sentiments meant a great deal to me.

In fact, Tamra's card had me reflect on a Helen Reddy song entitled, You and Me Against the World. For those of you unfamiliar with this classic, click on this link to hear it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ9j3dhZ6ys. This was a song I frequently sang to Mattie. It was one of our songs. I sang it to him starting at age 2. Mattie was not always appreciated by others around him. He was a late talker and had sensory issues which we worked through. But this combination made him challenging to raise. However, despite his biting, hitting, and extreme tantrums, I always saw a very special boy through these behaviors. Behaviors can be corrected and new ones can be learned, but what is at the core of a child is what is hard to change. Mattie's core was always bright, passionate, and energetic. So at times when others did not get him or us, I would sing this song to him. The ironic part is how the song ends, with the notion that one of us will die and the other one will have to carry on. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect Mattie to go before me.

I accomplished a lot of chores today and during lunch time, I went to visit Ann's mom, Mary. I haven't seen Mary for weeks, and I know she has missed seeing me. I brought her, Shayla (her caregiver), and myself lunch and we all had it together and chatted. Mary calls me her "true blue," I guess because she perceives me as reliable, loyal, and trustworthy. All lovely compliments. While chatting over lunch, Mary started talking about her son and her hopes that she would see him. As many of my readers know, Mary's son died from cancer over three years ago. However, her son remains on her mind and she longs to reconnect with him. If I hadn't lost Mattie to cancer, I most likely would have answered Mary with a more matter of fact and realistic response. Meaning that she wouldn't see him any time soon, because she is alive and he died. However, instead my response to her today was that her son probably visits her more than she realizes. I said that he is most likely always with her, but that I wished for her to see him soon too. I do think being open and receptive to signs from nature, helps us to connect with our sons. I am a concrete and grounded person and I am not sure I would have felt this way prior to cancer, but now I am open to possibilities and open to things I can't explain.

Later in the day, I had a follow up doctor's appointment. The joke I have with this doctor is I see her and her staff more often than some of my family and friends. They all get a chuckle out of that. In April and May alone, I was practically at this doctor's office every other week dealing with pain. After the end of my exam today, the doctor told me she thinks I am "adorable" and wanted to give me a hug. I told her I accept hugs in return for appointments whenever I need them!

I would like to end tonight's posting with a special message from my friend and colleague. Nancy is one of the people who always seems to know exactly what to say when I need to hear it. Nancy wrote, "I was sad to read of the lose of some of your beautiful flowers. It was quite a shock and I understand how you needed to take care of it right away. It is important that we right the wrongs we have control over. Another metaphor of the incomprehensible loss that you experienced. You did all the right things with Mattie's care and still he died. No one can explain it and now you do everything that Peter and you can to honor his life. As many have said; "You are special and loved." I look forward to the pictures showing the new Mattie symbols on the patio. Thinking of you this Tuesday."

Monday, June 6, 2011

Monday, June 6, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken on July 4, 2006, on Zachary's (Mattie's close preschool buddy) family's boat. Mattie loved watching the fireworks from the boat, and absolutely was thrilled with the whole water experience. It was an incredible way to see the fireworks, because it seemed like they were going off right over our heads and they looked larger than life.

Quote of the day: If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it. ~ Lemony Snicket

I had a horrible night of sleep on Sunday. Perhaps because I knew I was headed home. I am NOT sure, but I was preoccupied with thoughts that someone was trying to break into Ellen's beach house. I heard all sorts of noises throughout the night. When I was able to sleep, I had quite a vivid dream. I rarely remember my dreams, but this one was quite memorable. In fact, at 3am, I awoke in fear because I heard noises, but was also troubled by my dream. In my dream, I was attending a Georgetown University Hospital party. However, at the party Mattie was alive and in a wheelchair, and right beside him was his buddy, Zachary. They were having a good time and were up to their usual mischief together. In the dream I am simply perplexed. I know Mattie died and yet there he was at the party and playing with Zachary. He did not look sick, but he was in a wheelchair. The inner conflict between the dream and thinking someone was breaking into the house, disturbed my sleep and I awoke and really never knew how the dream or vision of Mattie was supposed to be interpreted. Forget the interpretation, I would have just liked to know where this dream was going, but it was quickly interrupted by my restlessness.

Peter and I left the beach at 11:15am. It was an uneventful drive, and actually quite a pretty one. We passed many farms and other natural scenes along the way. There were miles upon miles of corn fields, and while Peter was driving, I tried to capture one.

But our trip home was relatively quiet. Both of us were not happy to be returning home, and we had a full range of emotions we were feeling.

Along our journey we also passed fields filled with cows. For those of you who do NOT know, I LOVE cows, particularly Holstein cows (the black and white ones!). So rest assured if there is a cow to be seen, I will be taking a picture of it.











As we traversed over the Bay Bridge, I saw this lone sailboat in the water. It was a peaceful sight against the very blue water. This sailboat seemed to illustrate my feelings, alone in a bay full of water.

This was our last glimpse of the Chesapeake Bay before returning to land. It was a beautiful sight and one we will have to remember for weeks to come. On our way home, we stopped by the vet to pick up Patches. She was absolutely thrilled to see us! However, when we returned home and I opened up our deck door, I was stunned to see all our plants looking VERY wilted and some dead. We have a timed sprinkler that goes off when we are away, to insure that our plants are cared for. However, something must have went very wrong and the sprinkler did not go off. I was so upset by what I saw, that I did not even go inside our home to unpack. I immediately started working on reviving and cleaning up the dead plants. We lost roses, petunias, gerber daisies, and marigolds. This is a garden we have cultivated now for months and it has been our piece of serenity in the city. So needless to say, I was unhappy. So it seems that this coming weekend I was be replanting some things. However, while at the beach, we bought some symbolic things of Mattie, like a big metal sun and butterfly, which have now been added to our deck.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. A month before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Peter took Mattie to a Nationals baseball game. Mattie was my kind of baseball viewer. He watched the game for a few minutes, but was really more interested in watching the people in the audience and walking around the stadium. With Mattie we got to explore every store in the stadium, along with every vendor stand.


Quote of the day: There should be a statute of limitation on grief. A rulebook that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass - if only because it cuts you fresh again to see it. That it's okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays. ~  Jodi Picoult

Today was the first cloudy and cool day we had at the beach. We have lucked out all week with incredibly warm, almost summer like days. Because of the weather, we went to the shopping outlets in Rehoboth Beach. Peter and I had a good time there, and an entertaining one at that. Some of our shopping experiences today were an absolute riot. For example, I had Peter open up a credit card at one of the stores he was shopping at. I was determined that he get a 15% discount. Something so simple, turned out to be difficult, and yet at the same time a riot. The company wouldn't grant Peter a credit card until they verified it was him. They had several Peter Brown's in their computer system, and they wanted to make sure who they were giving a card to. So right in the middle of the store, Peter was on the phone literally answering multiple choice questions. One of which was what his height was!!! The salesperson and I were laughing hysterically. I said if they asked him his weight, that I was going to lose it. It is comic moments like these that are great distractions, and gave us a chuckle for the rest of the day. Needless to say, we got our 15% discount.

Despite the cool weather, we went for a walk along the beach. The ocean was powerful today and waves were crashing onto the shoreline. Nonetheless, we will miss this beach tomorrow evening. There is something very healing to be by the water. For me the sound of the ocean and the amazing songs and sounds from the shorebirds throughout the day are the aspects I will greatly miss.

Walking along side us on the shore was this wonderful Sandpiper. I love watching the birds by the water, and I never venture to the beach without my camera, because I just never know what will capture my attention. While walking the beach tonight, I happened to notice a child's footprints in the sand. The footprints seemed to follow us for our entire walk, and all I could imagine was Mattie right next to us.

There seemed to be something very patriotic about seeing our American flag flying in the wind, right along the shore line. It was the only color really in the scene and it caught my eye.

As we were walking back to Ellen's house, my bunny friends did not disappoint me. I will miss my bunny friends tomorrow evening. Peter and I have developed a routine throughout this week. By a certain point during the day, we made sure we were sitting on the deck, taking in fresh air, the sights of the ocean, and the birds. Then by 5pm, we were always walking on the beach and tracking down bunnies. It has made for a memorable week. As we head back to Washington, DC on Monday afternoon, we will be missing our beach and bunny time tomorrow evening!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008, weeks before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. We took Mattie to the DC Aquatic Gardens. Each July the garden has a breathtaking display of water lilies. These water lilies are part of the natural terrain of the gardens, it isn't a special exhibit brought in. However in July the garden is transformed because every water lily is in bloom. It is an extraordinary sight, and I can see why Claude Monet was intrigued by water lilies and painted a series of them. Though Mattie's eyes are closed in this picture, he seems to be absorbing the sun, right along side the water lilies. I also love the fact that despite going to the gardens and walking around, notice what was in Mattie's left hand. A toy car! I used to have toy cars in my purse, in my car, all over our home, and rest assured wherever Mattie went a toy car was usually with us.

Quote of the day: (On grief) And you do come out of it, that’s true. After a year, after five. But you don’t come out of it like a train coming out of a tunnel, bursting through the downs into sunshine and that swift, rattling descent to the Channel; you come out of it as a gull comes out of an oil-slick. You are tarred and feathered for life. ~ Julian Barnes

I woke up this morning to this sight. Peter was up and washing his car. That may sound like a chore, but for Peter who works a 12 hour day Monday through Friday, couped up in an office, being outside, and having an opportunity to do outdoor things is actually very needed.

While talking to Peter from the deck as he was washing his car, I happened to see a BUNNY, hopping up the neighbor's driveway. It isn't the best picture, but that brown bundle at the edge of the driveway heading to the bushes was my morning bunny sighting.

This afternoon we headed into the town of Bethany and I had the wonderful opportunity to attend their annual craft fair. It was well done, with vendors in tents all along the boardwalk and main avenue. I particularly fell in love with the locally made pottery and local jewelers who make their own stunning pieces out of sterling silver and glass. I had the opportunity to talk to several of the vendors and learn more about their craft. As I was purchasing some pieces, I was listening to a wonderful quartet playing music in the bandstand. The musicians were in their early 70's and they were wearing red vests and bow ties. They were very talented and captured the attention of all ages. However, they began playing Louis Armstrong's song, What a Wonderful World (click on this link to listen to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIdbroOLvhw&feature=related) and the song made me very sad. In fact, I began crying while hearing it.

The interesting thing about an intense loss, is that it never leaves your side. You carry it with you, it colors every aspect of your world, thoughts, and feelings. Sometimes it appears that things are fine for a griever, but then in a split second, everything can change. Sadness can take over, at even the slightest and more innocuous of triggers. Louis Armstrong's song is NOT connected to Mattie and I in any way. But it was the words of the song that caught my heart and mind. In particular, the following lyrics: "I hear babies cry, I watch them grow," was overwhelming to me. Most people will not know first hand, thankfully, the pain of losing a child to cancer, and though I struggle each day to find new meaning and purpose in my life, there are times like today when I reflect on the fact that this is NOT a wonderful world. Any world where pediatric cancer exists and consumes children and their families, is NOT a good world. So you can imagine with me being in this emotional state, I wasn't the best of company today.

The other troubling thing about grieve is it doesn't go on vacation when you do! It exists and is ever present, even when I am surrounded by beauty and the serenity of the beach. This evening, Peter and I went for a walk on the beach. On the way to the beach, I passed my favorite garden, and right in and amongst the plants was a bunny. You can see him to the left of the green lantern. He blends in beautifully with his terrain!

There was A LOT going on at the beach at 5pm! As you can see there was a wedding taking place. I have heard of weddings by the beach, but never actually saw one.

It is certainly an ideal spot for a wedding and frankly though that caught my attention, the wedding really wasn't what was so captivating about tonight's visit to the beach. As we were approaching the beach, I swear it sounded like it was raining over the ocean. I could hear the pitter pattering of something, or almost like a rhythmic hand clapping. It was NONE of these things. Instead, it was hundreds of tiny fish jumping out of the water. Why? Because dolphins were herding these fish to shore, and the fish were jumping out of the water so they wouldn't get eaten. It was a sight beyond description.

Naturally when fish are jumping out of the water, you expect birds of prey, like osprey, to be on the scene. I saw this osprey come swooping in, dove into the water, and literally grabbed a fish right out of the water. You can see the fish hanging from this birds talons. Also notice in the water what looks like little waves. These are NOT waves, these are fish jumping!!!

The osprey has a wingspan of 5-6 feet, and having this bird fly over my head made an impression on me.

Tonight I saw the cycle or law of nature happen right before my eyes, and it made me pause with intrigue.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Friday, June 3, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008, at Mattie's end of the year Kindergarten party. Pictured on either side of Mattie were his two closest kindergarten friends, Charlotte and Campbell. I am very aware of the fact that Mattie's friends have just completed another school year. Today was the last day of school, and if Mattie were alive he would have completed third grade. In so many ways the beginning of summer vacation is troubling to me. It seems to signal in a profound way who is missing from our lives. It is hard to rationalize that Mattie died, and yet everyone around us continues to thrive and live their lives. When I look at this picture, Mattie seemed so happy and was bookended by two wonderful friends. I am lucky I volunteered that day at Mattie's school, and that I got to capture this happy moment in time.

Quote of the day: It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~  Colette

Based on how I was feeling yesterday, Peter and I had a slower day today. We spent some time in Ellen's garden, walking along the beach, and journeying through town. During the day, I received an electronic newsletter from Children's Cause Cancer Advocacy. The Children’s Cause for Cancer Advocacy (CCCA) is the leading national advocacy organization working to achieve access to less toxic and more effective pediatric cancer therapies; to expand resources for research and specialized care; and to address the unique needs and challenges of childhood cancer survivors and their families. CCCA leads efforts to ensure that these needs and perspectives of children with cancer are integrated into the highest deliberations on health care and cancer policy at the Federal level.

The wonderful surprise in the newsletter was CCCA's support of the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation's House Resolution (HR 262) which was introduced by Rep. Chris Van Hollen and Rep. Mike McCaul:

http://www.childrenscause.org/newsletter-june2011#section3.

We appreciate CCCA's support on this important and unique Resolution that addresses the psychosocial issues of children and their families fighting cancer!

I have some more pictures to share with you from our day!

As Peter and I were walking on the beach, Peter spotted this wonderful crab shell. The creature has been cleaned out, so only the shell remains. But I have never seen such an intact shell. Somehow I felt compelled to carry it with me and take it home. Mattie would have done this, and in his absence I stepped in and did it for him.

Bethany Beach at sunset! Notice that there was NO ONE else on the beach with us. It was as if we were walking on a private beach.

On the way to the beach, we get to pass several gardens. This particular one I happen to love. The owner has two ponds incorporated into his garden. It is at these ponds that I usually spot frogs. The choice of plantings are vibrant and they make you feel happy and surrounded by beauty.

Here is another garden along the way that I also love. I like the colors, but I also find that the neighborhood bunnies love to hang out here.

I came across this lovely, colorful, and metal butterfly in a garden store a couple of days ago. I added it to Ellen's house today. To me it is a symbol of Mattie and his ethereal presence. The ironic part about this is that Ellen invited Mattie and I to her beach house in the summer of 2008. We never visited because of our schedule and then of course Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Mattie never saw the beach house, so somehow this butterfly seems like an appropriate gift that captures Mattie's spirit here. Mattie would have loved this beach and experiencing many of the wonderful sights we have seen this week.   

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008, at Bethesda's arts and craft festival. This picture was taken a month before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. As you can see in this picture, Mattie decided to paint a flower pot and was really enjoying the whole process. Mattie was always about the process and loved the opportunity to create and use happy and bright colors.

Quote of the day: People think they know you. They think they know how you're handling a situation. But the truth is no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you're lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don't know what's going on inside your head--the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn't their fault. They just don't know. And so they pretend and they say you're doing great when you're really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you. ~ William H. Woodwell Jr

Peter and I spent the day in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. It was SUCH a wonderful way to see Rehoboth because is was NOT congested and wall to wall people. We are at the beach before the summer season begins, and it has been simply delightful. We had the opportunity to chat with many shop owners and learn about the patterns of vacationers who come to their town and how they make their livelihood. I entered one store and was surrounded by butterflies. Butterfly suncatchers, cards, jewelry boxes, tiles, you name it, and it was there! As the day has worn on however, I have developed a cold and a fever, so I am spending the night trying to relax and regroup. I am sharing our day with you visually!

As some of you may recall, Peter and I went on a walk last night. Along our journey, I spotted this lovely green number! The sighting of this frog would have been right up Mattie's alley.

Though it is quite early in the season, I was thrilled to see one of my favorite sea shore birds, the Piping Plover. What I love about the plover is its grace, agility, and tenaciousness. This is a bird with long legs, legs which apparently do NOT like to get wet. As the water rolls onto the shore this bird literally runs away from it. However, as the waves roll back into the ocean, the plover runs back out looking for crabs burrowing in the sand. This running game can happen for hours during feeding time.

As we continued walking, we ran into this transparent crab, or otherwise affectionately called a "ghost crab." I am not sure who was more startled, the crab or me! Nonetheless, this crab was literally looking right at the camera for this picture.

Here is the sight we see each evening during sunset on Bethany Beach!

Peter took a picture of me on the boardwalk of Rehoboth Beach. The irony is in a few weeks, every inch of space behind me will be filled with people.

Along our shopping journey in Rehoboth, I entered a small store that captured my attention from the window. The store was filled with all sorts of shells and unique beachy jewelry. At first the store owner was on the phone, but when she saw us enter, she ended her call and apologized for being distracted and not greeting us initially. Needless to say, Linda, the owner, and I began talking for a while and I got to meet her husband and hear about her 4 grown up daughters. She features handcrafted jewelry made by an artist in Florida. I love glass pieces, and this particular piece caught my attention because it reminded me of Mattie's adopted Sea Turtle, Roxana. Mattie loved Roxana and also enjoyed getting updates about her. So in honor of Roxana and all the joy she brought Mattie, I bought this piece. The turtle itself is made of  Dichronic or aluminized glass. This type of glass was developed by NASA as a protective coating. It has an uncanny quality to capture and reflect a rainbow of colors. The picture doesn't do the turtle justice, because in the light, it looks blue and also purple!

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from our new friend, Amy. Amy's daughter, Caroline, spent a great deal of time in the hospital, when Mattie was at Georgetown. Though I never met Amy, she has and continues to be supportive of us electronically. I had the pleasure of meeting Amy and her family at this year's Walk, and her message meant a lot to me, which is why I am sharing with you. Amy wrote, "Just a quick email to let you both know how wonderful the walk was. My daughter Caroline still talks about it, and asked just the other day if we could go again to "Mattie's Walk" next year and I said of course we will! (She happens to be wearing her t-shirt to school today! It doesn't hurt that orange is her favorite color!) The whole day made quite an impression on us all. The grounds were perfect and the setting bucolic. Even the rain held off for Mattie's day - only a little drizzle to cool us off when we most needed it! The activities kept all of the children occupied and entertained - it was truly a family-friendly event. I have to say that all of the speeches that day moved me to tears. Those children were absolutely amazing. And the posters around the track were very compelling. My HOPE beads are on my key chain as a reminder of Mattie and the other children who I learned about that day. I have so much awe and amazement for parents such as yourself, who have experienced a loss that is incomprehensible, and manage to do such good for others. And I really appreciate your emphasis on the psychosocial needs of children who are ill - I think that the medical staff is so focused on the physical side that the emotional implications are sometimes lost. The Child Life program does such good for all of the children who go inpatient at Georgetown."

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008 (three months before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer), at Mattie's school's spring festival. Mattie was pictured here with his close buddy Campbell and Campbell's sister, Livi. Some of my readers may recall that Campbell and Livi are the thoughtful children who recently made me a beautiful ceramic cupcake for Mother's day! I absolutely love this picture. I loved it when I took it and I continue to love it today because it captured a happy and fun time in Mattie's life. A time when he felt connected to something and to others. Making friends, good friends, can be a live long endeavor. But in Mattie's case, he found close friends immediately in life, which was a good thing since his life was cut short too quickly! 

Quote of the day: And when your sorrow is comforted you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure . . . And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you... ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (The Little Prince - Le Petit Prince)

Tonight's quote speaks to me. Mattie's preschool teacher, Margaret, told me about the book, The Little Prince. I have read condensed versions of this book, but never the entire book. As I came across this quote it instantly reminded me of Mattie. I have a feeling many of my readers, whether you knew Mattie or NOT, open your windows at night and when you see the moon, think of my Mattie Moon!

I would like to share more pictures with you tonight to illustrate how we spent our day. It was another adventurous day by the beach for us. The ironic part about this is we haven't spent much time on the actual beach, we have instead tried to spend the time being physical active, getting in touch with nature in various ways, and talking with each other.

Peter started his morning very early and by 8am, he was aboard the Judy V. a 65 foot fishing vessel (www.fishjudyv.com). Peter went on a half day fishing adventure. Peter and Mattie used to love to fish together, and I knew this is something Peter wanted to do while on vacation. I am happy he had the chance to do this, and throughout his journey, he sent me periodic pictures.

Pictured here is Captain Roger, who piloted Peter's fishing trip. Peter was accompanied by 9 other people on the boat. For the first hour of the trip, the boat sailed out into the Atlantic. Peter was with the Captain in the wheelhouse chatting during that first hour. Then the next two hours, the group fished, and during the final hour, the boat sailed back to shore. Everyone aboard the boat entered a fishing contest pool, and the person who caught the biggest fish on the journey won the pool.

This is the beautiful fish that Peter caught. A wonderful sea bass! Guess who won the fishing pool? It was Peter!!!

I love this picture! Peter aptly describes this pictures as "dinner!" Fortunately the fishing excursion people filleted it for us, otherwise, I am sure I would have added that skill to my resume tonight.

Peter and I ventured to Assateague Island this afternoon. We had never been there before and I have always wanted to see wild horses. I recall going to the Outer Banks, NC for years and visiting Corolla. Which is well known for its wild horse inhabitants. However, after years of visiting that location, I gave up and NEVER saw a horse. So in all reality I never expected to see a wild horse today either based on my track record!

Assateague Island is a barrier island built by sand that persistent waves have raised from the ocean's gently sloping floor. Constant reshaping mirrors a relentless origin, as steady winds continue moving trillions of sand grains, each a bit of eroded ancient Appalachian Mountains. The State of Maryland owns 680 acres of Assateague Island that it operates as a state park.

Two herds of wild horses known as "ponies" by an adoring public make their homes on Assateague Island. The herds are separated by a fence at the boundary between Maryland and Virginia. In Maryland, horses are often seen around roads and campgrounds. In Virginia, they are seen in Black Duck Marsh from the observation platforms along Beach Road and Woodland Trail. The Maryland herd is managed by the National Park Service. The Virginia herd is owned by the Chincoteague Volunteer Fire Company and is allowed by permit to graze on the Chincoteague refugee. Each year horses from the Virginia herd are rounded up and many of the foals are sold at the Pony Penning and Auction, held on the last Wednesday and Thursday of July. Proceeds from the auction help support the fire company. Today's wild horses on Assateague Island are descended from domesticated stock that was grazed on the Island as early as the 17th century by Eastern Shore planters. These farmers grazed their horses and other live stock here to avoid the mainland taxes and fencing requirements. Only slightly smaller than other horses, these shaggy, sturdy animals are well adapted to their harsh seashore environment. Marsh and dune grasses supply the bulk of their food. They get water from natural fresh water ponds or human-made inpoundments in Virginia.

As soon as Peter and I entered the park, look at the sight we saw!!!!! At first, I honestly couldn't believe these were the wild horses. They were freely roaming about the Island the entire time we were there. It was clear that we were NOW on their turf. These wild horses however, are NOT to be touched or approached because they bite and kick people. There are warning signs up everywhere with pictures on them of the damage these horses can inflict on people.

A closeup of the ponies!

I love this picture and I know if Mattie were with me, he would have absolutely loved this sight. Most likely his comment would have been there is a baby Mattie horse and his Una Moon (which was the nickname Mattie gave me).

We then took a walk on the salt marsh boardwalk. It was an incredible sight, filled with birds, and fascinating marsh lands and vegetation. However, it was extremely HOT out today, and though it is June it feels like a July or August weather day!

An overview of the boardwalk.

The boardwalk took us out to the shore line. This is very unique shoreline, because it is the last preserved and pristine seashore on the Eastern seaboard. The sand is like pure white powder and it is clear from the horse reminents that even they love the beach.

As we left the park, we were greeted yet again by a herd of horses on roadway. They were simply a beautiful and unforgettable sight to see.

Later this evening, Peter and I took a walk along the beach. It was a memorable time of day. It wasn't too cool or too hot, and we practically had the beach to ourselves. We reflected on all the creatures we saw and the running list for TODAY alone is: dolphins, wild horses, frogs, toads, crabs, a piping plover, bunnies, and a cat!