Saturday, March 30, 2013
Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004, on the day we celebrated Mattie's second birthday. As last night's blog photo indicated, Mattie's first birthday theme was ELMO. Mattie's second birthday theme was TRAINS. Mattie LOVED trains and we created train tracks on our ceiling made out of streamers. Mattie's first three birthdays I held in our home and I literally ran the parties with games, activities for the kids, and we even transformed our hallway wall. We lined it with paper and all sorts of puzzles and games so that kids could draw on it and color. This activity wall was always a huge hit! Mattie loved it so much, we would keep it up for days after his party was over for him to continue creating.
Quote of the day: There is no teacher more discriminating or transforming than loss. ~ Pat Conroy
There are many reasons why I write and continue to write Mattie's blog. It is most definitely a labor of love, especially considering that I write it EVERY day and have done so since July of 2008. This coming July, will mark the blog's FIVE year anniversary of daily writing. Writing daily takes discipline and I would add courage. Especially since the blog does hit on very real emotional content for us. I know I have friends who at times tell me they no longer read the blog. I am sure there are various reasons for this, one of which I have been told is that some feel I am not being completely honest on the blog. I absorb this commentary, but in all reality, my daily writings do reflect for the most part where I am at. Sure I spare readers insights on some things, call it writer's intuition or prerogative, or the need for some privacy on certain things. But the blog is indeed me, Peter, and reflections of our Mattie. So when someone tells me they don't read the blog because it doesn't capture our "true" reality, this does bother me. Whether I write my every conscious thought or not isn't the point of the blog. The point is I write and through this writing Mattie's memory remains very much alive for all of us. Even for people who never met Mattie before.
One of the special things about Mattie's blog is that it connects me to so many amazing and incredible people. Some of these people I have never met before and therefore I do not know them. This morning, as my eyes opened up, I turned to my Blackberry. It is a habit I developed while Mattie had cancer and this routine is embedded within me. My blackberry is never far from me. The first message I read this morning was from a person I do not know, but I know she is a blog reader, and that we are part of the unique club... the club of moms who lost a child. I call this friend, "Hugs from Burbank." I have given her this title because this is how she signs her blog postings to me.
"Hugs from Burbank's" posting is below. I copied it here because I realize some of my readers may not have seen it attached to last night's posting.
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Dear Vicki,
I hope your headaches subside soon so you can enjoy a relaxing time away. As Mattie's birthday approaches, I understand your pain and truly empathize with you and Peter.
We just went through our girl's first birthday without her, she would've been 21, and Monday will be one year since she left us. Such is life, but it doesn't make any sense, and it sure doesn't get any easier. We promised her that we would be okay, so she could go ahead and move on to her next mission, and we are doing our best on a daily basis, but some days are just too much.
I truly appreciate and respect you, for you never stop sharing about Mattie, no matter how bad a day you are having. That speaks not only of your undeniable love for your beautiful boy, but of the commitment you have to keeping his memory alive and sharing him with all of us. Please know that you are not alone, that your readers understand you and are with you, that I understand you and am with you. I find myself nodding in agreement many times when you express the feelings you and Peter go through. It's unfathomable, unless you have lived through such horror.
Praying for better, sunnier days ahead, and sending you healing hugs from Burbank.
I hope your headaches subside soon so you can enjoy a relaxing time away. As Mattie's birthday approaches, I understand your pain and truly empathize with you and Peter.
We just went through our girl's first birthday without her, she would've been 21, and Monday will be one year since she left us. Such is life, but it doesn't make any sense, and it sure doesn't get any easier. We promised her that we would be okay, so she could go ahead and move on to her next mission, and we are doing our best on a daily basis, but some days are just too much.
I truly appreciate and respect you, for you never stop sharing about Mattie, no matter how bad a day you are having. That speaks not only of your undeniable love for your beautiful boy, but of the commitment you have to keeping his memory alive and sharing him with all of us. Please know that you are not alone, that your readers understand you and are with you, that I understand you and am with you. I find myself nodding in agreement many times when you express the feelings you and Peter go through. It's unfathomable, unless you have lived through such horror.
Praying for better, sunnier days ahead, and sending you healing hugs from Burbank.
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After I read this message this morning, I found it so meaningful that I landed up crying. It is just horrible that this family lost a beautiful 20 year old, who would have just celebrated her 21st birthday!!! My thoughts go out to my Burbank friend who I know has to be in deep pain as she reflects on the fact that she never saw her daughter turn 21 and on the back of that reality is now faced with the one year anniversary of her daughter's death on Monday. The first year without one's child is a gut wrenching pain that is indescribable but as "Hugs" is so perceptive to already, she understands that grief as a result of the death of a child is a lifelong feeling and process. I completely agree with "Hugs from Burbank." We understand each other because we have both "lived through such horror." No matter how much we write about it or verbalize it to others, at the end of the day, it is only us who are living with this trauma and loss. For us this is our life and our future. This email means a lot to me for SO many reasons. I can see Mattie's story has made it all the way across the Country, I can see that the death of a child has a way of uniting people, even people who never met one another, and I am also comforted on some level that what I am writing about resonates with other parents who also lost a child. In essence Mattie's cancer and death must have a purpose. There really is no purpose that brings me peace, but I think what I am trying to say is self explanatory.
We had another slow day because neither one of us has the energy to do much. I started out feeling better headache wise, but by this evening I am right back where I started. In the mornings, we have the routine of sitting outside on the deck to breathe in the fresh air for at least two hours. Each day we have been greeted by this Red Headed Finch. He has a glorious voice and he sits right near us bringing a serenade.
This afternoon we were getting stir crazy, so we decided to go for a walk on a new trail (for us) called the Sea Hawk Trail. This trail was a pip! It was supposed to be a lovely 1.5 mile walk. However, look at what this trail required...... one to jump over water!!! I said to Peter that this couldn't possibly be the trail, but I did make a flying leap. Peter was getting ready to catch me, until I did a running dancing leap across the water. With that Peter laughed and told me, I needed NO help at all. Needless to say we walked about five more minutes on this path and then we turned around because to me this wasn't how the path was described and I figured we made a wrong turn. Needless to say, I had to make the same flying leap back!
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