Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. We were home and that day Mattie was celebrating my birthday. His child life specialist got Mattie this cake, so he could give it to me. This was my last birthday with Mattie. At that point in time, we thought Mattie's cancer treatment was over, and we could begin working on rehabilitation. That said, on some level I think we knew that Mattie was quite as he was eating and drinking practically nothing. His doctor kept telling me that Mattie was manipulating me either for pain medication, or controlling his intake of food. I did not buy any of it! Unfortunately I was correct.
Quote of the day: You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
It was another full day here, with many emotional highs and lows. On top of everything else, I took my parents out to an early dinner. While at the restaurant it was the usual routine of my dad being head down and not making conversation and my mom rattling on about the same things. At the end of the meal, my mom let me know once again that she should have never moved from Los Angeles. She isn't happy. I am sure she isn't happy because she left the familiar behind and she sees herself as fully functioning. Honestly she is stuck back in 2018, pre-COVID, and hasn't accepted that a lot has happened to my dad and her since that point. They can no longer live independently. Certainly I wish they could, or at least it would be nice if one of them was independent and could help the other. But that is not the scenario or the reality I am facing. Nonetheless, after giving up my life for almost two years now, it is hard to keep hearing the same mantra. It wears on me and it's in these moment, I want to pack my bags and let everyone figure it all out without me for a day. Certainly anyone can be trained to deal with the physical tasks I do each day, though I do work for about three people, it is the emotional stuff and meltdowns I deal with that make my role extremely challenging and not just anyone can step into my shoes. Any case, it is still light outside, and I am going outside to regroup in the garden.
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