Wednesday, March 6, 2024

Wednesday, March 6, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was home between treatments and we were playing in his bedroom. By that point in his journey, his bedroom was practically floor to ceiling..... filled with toys, gifts, and you name it! In addition, there was an aero mattress on the floor as well, because one of us had to sleep in the room with Mattie at all times. As he sometimes needed help in the middle of the night, and given he was attached to IVs, he needed support and supervision. As you can see, Mattie received a knight's costume that day, and he put on all the gear and was showing me his knightly moves. 

Quote of the day: He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds. He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea. He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being; by the way he rests against my leg; by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.) When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive. When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile. When I am happy, he is joy unbounded. When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another man. With him, I am all-powerful. He is loyalty itself. He has taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He has promised to wait for me… whenever… wherever – in case I need him. And I expect I will – as I always have. He is just my dog. ~ Gene Hill

Today marks the second month or eighth week since Sunny died. Tonight's quote says it all! Gene Hill captured the beauty of a dog. Dogs are incredible companions, who love us unconditionally. They are our world, and we are theirs. Sunny loved shaking paw to hand and he could easily stand up on his hind legs and we could dance together. I need Sunny more than ever now and it is amazing how his presence is deeply missed and how he filled our home with love and devotion.

It was another red letter day here, on top of so many. I live in absolute chaos, stress, emotional upheaval, and with constant grief and pain. Truthfully it is a testament to me, because I don't know how I get out of bed in the morning. I never get a break from the emotional pain, because even if my mind should clear for a second, I have my mom around to remind me of how bad things are, how unhappy she is, and how this shouldn't be what her life looks like at this stage. I take on her pain, my dad's pain, and my own.... all by myself!

Each Wednesday I see my therapist. I started seeing her in December. As I always say, she is on borrowed time. She tries to be prescriptive with me, and she presents me with certain analogies that from my perspective are off base. I have no problem telling her either. But tonight she started on me about the importance of allowing my friends to help. That if I do this, I will feel better about the nightmare I am living. Honestly???? What planet is she living on!?

I stopped her mid-sentence and told her that when you are dealing with trauma and shock, the last thing you want to add to your equation is a group of people. I then took her back in time to when Mattie died. It was a time in which I was absolutely raw. I did not know if I would make it to through the next minute, much less the next day. I recall having to socially isolate myself then, out of protection. I felt the world did not understand me and I did not understand the world. It took time to allow myself to regain strength, courage, and stability, in order to allow myself to be vulnerable in the presence of others. Trust me, not all people can handle the raw emotion associated with grief, loss, and trauma. That is part of it, and the other part of it is that when traumatized it is hard to hear about other people's lives, their stories, and truthfully their more "normal" existence. I recall right after Mattie died, how painful it was to hear about friends talking about their children. Certainly this is a natural conversation, and friends should be able to share these important moments with me, and yet I just couldn't!

This is where I am at once again! I know all the signs, and all the feelings, because I am not a stranger to trauma and shock. How am I going to manage my current existence? How do I cope? I am not sure, but what I do know is I am constantly putting out figurative fires on a daily basis, which makes it hard to cope, function, and even to have the will to exist.