Saturday, September 7, 2024

Saturday, September 7, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken on September 1, 2009. Seven days before Mattie died. By that point in time, Mattie felt absolutely miserable. He was dealing with extreme pain. That black machine sitting on the bed with Mattie was a pain pump. Mattie had that as well as pain patches. Mattie made the decision that he did not want to be at home, he wanted to return to the hospital. On some level he knew he was dying, he knew he needed a lot of support (which we couldn't provide him at home), and he wanted to be surrounded by his medical family. The hospital became like our second home that year. Before being admitted to the inpatient unit, Mattie spent some time in the outpatient clinic. Mattie's art therapists found all sorts of toys and things to keep Mattie busy. The remote control dino was a hit. But I will never forget this horrible moment in time..... the fear, the sadness, and the unknown of what was to come. 

Quote of the day: Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~ Kahlil Gibran

This group photo was taken on September 8, 2018. The 9th year anniversary of Mattie's death. Back in 2010, Mattie's school planted a memorial tree on the lower school campus. The school asked me what kind of tree we wanted and I immediately said... an oak! As Mattie loved collecting and gifting acorns! I will never forget that day in 2010, when the tree was dedicated in Mattie's memory. We were surrounded by a number of friends and school staff. It was a very meaningful and emotionally draining day. I remember when the event was over, everyone returned to their busy day, and yet our day was bleak. We did not have a child to go home to, normal activities to participate in, and it was a painful and striking reminder of our differences. 

However, within two years of the oak tree being planted, it died. So a second tree, a yellowwood tree was planted. That tree struggled and looked like it was going to die. So the school planted a third tree (another yellowwood) in a different location. Guess what? That tree was hit by lightning, and split the trunk. I was unhappy with that visual, so the school planted a fourth tree..... the tree you see in this group photo. In fact, the school's arborist, Tim, was kneeling in the front row of this photo with us. Tim said..... Mattie wanted an oak, so we better give him an oak. Tim felt that Mattie wasn't happy with the Yellowwood trees and was sending us a message. So Tim picked out this beautiful White Swamp Oak. The fourth tree is a charm!

Tim text messaged me on September 7, 2018, and suggested we have a tree planting party, to provide good vibes and energy to this fourth tree. Literally I contacted friends the day before the planting and look how many people showed up! All committed to Mattie and his memory. The day we planted the tree, Tim told us that as the tree was being transported to the school, he noticed that a bird's nest was in the tree. The nest remained intact, with birds in it. Tim said it is very unusual for such a nest to remain intact during transportation, and therefore he deemed that as a positive sign. 

Peter and me on September 8, 2018. You can see the tree was tiny, but over our head in height. 

This is the tree today! I went to visit it with my parents. It is hard to tell, but the tree has to be 20 feet or taller. It is thriving. Mattie got his oak! 

I took this photo, because I am trying to show you Mattie's grove. That is what I call his line up of trees... his current tree, tree #3, and tree #2. All three trees are now looking beautiful. So Mattie doesn't have only one memorial tree, he has three. 

There are all sorts of ornaments on the White Swamp Oak. 

But today, I placed 15 butterfly ornaments on the tree. One for each year Mattie has been gone from our lives. I also placed bows on each tree. 

A close up of some of the butterfly ornaments. 

Having to visit Mattie's memorial tree is heart breaking. It doesn't get easier with each year, but what made it particularly impossible was knowing that I not only lost my son, I have lost my husband too. Everything that matters to me is gone. Tomorrow will mark the first anniversary of Mattie's death that I face alone, without Peter. I know Mattie is watching over me and like me, he is perplexed with what has happened to our family. I wish Mattie was alive, as I know he would be an incredible support to me. He was taken too soon, and is missed and loved dearly.