Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. I just have to see these jars to know it had to be tent caterpillar season! I reserved two jars for this metamorphosis project every spring. Mattie loved to collect these caterpillars at his school. He literally would bring them home in a cup! The first time he did this, I really had NO IDEA what to do! My instinct was to put them in the garden area, but then I thought.... NO if Mattie is interested, let's make this a fun learning opportunity. So we jarred them, and then we had to figure out what they ate! We tried every tree leaf around us and they refused to munch. Our last attempt was oak leaves and that did the trick. We only had ONE oak tree near our apartment in Washington, DC. Which was why that tree was special to me! Therefore when we left the city and moved to Virginia, we took a few acorns from this tree, and now I have two fledglings in my backyard! Those fledglings remind me of our spring time activity each year. Mattie always looked forward to watching the caterpillars eat, then form a cocoon and finally emerge as a moth! We had so many moth releasing events on our deck!
Quote of the day: A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep. ~ Vernon Howar
This morning, Blanca came over to help clean the house. I haven't had Blanca here since December. She is very cognizant of all that I am balancing, therefore, I truly can't manage her on a regular basis. But Blanca and I go way back! My neighbor introduced me to her when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. In fact, he hired her to clean my apartment while we were at the hospital. Needless to say after Mattie died, Blanca continued to work with us. She has experienced me devastated and devastated some more! However, as she always reminds me, I helped her in numerous ways when she was going through challenging times with her children. Today she started tearing up because she wanted me to know that God sees everything and he knows that I have not just a beautiful heart, but a very big one (as she threw her arms wide open to emphasize the BIG). Any case, I always find it so meaningful when people share their feelings with me, because when you find yourself divorced after a 35 year relationship, it does impact how you feel about yourself.
After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I then drove my mom to the city for her hair and nail appointments. Going to this salon is like going home for me, because it is located right next to where I used to live in the city. This area will always be my home, in which I was married and raised Mattie! While at the salon today, a woman started telling me her story. Her husband of decades wanted a divorce and they blew through all the family's money. I did not share much about myself, but she clearly felt comfortable talking to me. What accounts for this? I don't know but I remember even in grade school, I never got out of school on time, because friends wanted to share problems and issues with me and wanted my input. I can recall my mom waiting endlessly for me to come out of school! However, I have found after Mattie died, and now that I am divorced, people feel even more comfortable talking to me. I am not sure if they view me as having "life experience and pain," or if they feel I won't judge them? What I do know through hearing countless stories over the years is that women are strong, we endure so many challenges, face countless crises, and are resourceful in how we attack problems.
Later this afternoon, I got an email and phone call from my dad's memory care center. They wanted to talk with me about my dad's aspirations while eating lunch. The Center is undergoing a lot of staff and leadership changes, which always makes me nervous. Today I met one of the new directors and unfortunately it did not go well. Have you ever had a bad feeling about someone?! Well this woman and I were like oil and water. She started telling me about her credentials! BAD IDEA! I am talking about my dad and the stresses we are facing as a family and she is telling me about her years of experience. I finally said to her.... I am a licensed mental health provider too, but there is one thing to help people professionally with dementia and another thing to work 24/7 with a loved one who has dementia. So I asked her..... does she have personal experience with dementia? The answer was NO! Obviously..... I could just sense it!
My dad is introverted and if given the opportunity will always elect to sleep and relax. Sure some napping is good, but stimulation, being engaged, and having him participate in my mind is crucial. They want to follow his cues, and I said, that isn't a good idea. My dad can no longer make informed and sound decisions and therefore, I have to make these choices for him because I have his best interest at heart. By the time I finished with these professionals today, I put them on edge. I am okay with that, I do not need to be loved. I need to be heard and they need to know I am watching and will hold anyone and everyone accountable so that my dad gets the care that I feel he needs to have the best quality of life possible.
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