Friday, July 24, 2026

Friday, July 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and it was his first trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. The afternoons were hot and Mattie wasn't interested in going onto the sand or being by the ocean. So that particular afternoon, Mattie sat on the couch with one of his favorite books... Goodnight Moon. This book was given to me soon after Mattie was born by one of my mentors at the University. I can't think of this book without thinking of him and of Mattie. I read it so often, that I could recite lines from the book.... "in the great green room there was a telephone and a read balloon."

Quote of the day: Someone who is aware of your sadness and lack of sleep does not deserve your love at all. ~ Unknown

Yesterday, being the anniversary of Mattie's cancer diagnosis, I woke up with my right eye twitching and then part of my face felt numb. I knew immediately that a migraine was fast approaching. Sometimes I wait too long to take my rescue medication. But yesterday morning, I knew I had to get ahead of the symptoms and I wasn't going to play around. Ironically, at first I did not connect Mattie's anniversary to my migraine, but I quickly connected the dots. The loss of Mattie is forever real and has long-term implications on my life and future. Add to which, I now acknowledge this day alone, and it makes for a very toxic situation. 

This morning, I woke up and my right eye was smaller than my left eye. In fact, the eye lid was so swollen that it made it hard to open my eye. I concluded I was having an allergic reaction to something, especially given that yesterday I was outside in my front yard trimming all the bushes with my hedge trimmer! I figured something either bit or stung me on the eyelid. So in addition to taking migraine meds again today, I started taking all of my allergy medications and iced my eye. But of course I never get much down time to take care of myself. I do things for myself simultaneously while doing twenty other things. 

I also received my cholesterol results. For the past three months, I have basically not eaten crackers, chocolate, and began exercising almost daily. Bottom line, nothing made a difference to my numbers. So I am sure I will get another talking to on Monday during my appointment. What this doctor doesn't understand is the enormous stress I am living with, and add to my usual stress and heartache, trying to assume my house's mortgage. I have been at this ordeal with the bank since May 1. Today, being July 24 (the day before my birthday), I learned that the banks is conditionally accepting the assumption application! I have no idea what the conditions are yet, but I do know they asked for more information and until this is behind me, the stress continues. It has been absolute hell worrying whether I would be able to pull this off, because if it was just me I would have more flexibility, but I am caring for my parents and they can't handle change and more stress in their lives now. Therefore, I have been walking a tightrope for months now and frankly all the parties in this process could give a flying fig whether I drop dead from all this stress and anxiety. 

I am happy that I did not get a second denial letter, but the not knowing what is next in the assumption process or what the closing costs will officially be is stressful. I have put all the home repairs I earmarked for this spring and summer on hold because I am bracing for the worst. I am tired of bracing for the worst, I am very tired of my existence, and the notion of facing another birthday is as wonderful as a root canal.