Friday, September 3, 2021

Friday, September 3, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2002. Mattie was literally only a few days old. Someone gave me this baby swing and we tried to get Mattie used to it. He may look peaceful and sleeping, but I assure you it did not last long. In fact, I probably can count on one hand how many times Mattie used this swing. 

Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins. 

• Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 39,687,229
• Number of people who died from the virus: 644,844

Yesterday I went shopping for plants, note cards, and gift cards. I wanted to make sure we acknowledged all our front desk staff and rental office personnel before we handed in our keys today. I have been juggling a ton of things, but I would have been very upset if we did not do something special for these amazing people. All of these individuals looked out for us and the Foundation for years and if I ever called and said I needed something, within minutes it was addressed. 

Saying good-bye to our townhouse and all the complex staff today was VERY difficult. It actually was emotional, bordering on traumatic. I am typically not a crier, it takes a lot for me to lose it and cry. But today I was hysterical, at times I was crying so hard it was hard to breathe. 

I took some final photos of things at the townhouse today. This was our house phone. It came with the townhouse. When we moved in years ago, the front desk (which is manned 24 hours a day) could contact us on this phone. Of course now everything is through email. 

I left three things at the townhouse. One was this flamingo light plate. We bought it with Mattie in Florida. 

The second item we left was this gecko light plate. This was in Mattie's room, and we bought it at the same time we bought the flamingo. 

The final item I left was this Red Sox Nation sticker. Mattie put this on his bedroom window in 2007. It has been there ever since. 

This oak tree is special to me! It stood right outside our living room window. Every spring Mattie and I would pick some of its leaves to feed his tent moth caterpillars. Mattie loved bringing home caterpillars from school, putting them in jars, feeding them, and waiting for them to transform into moths. We did this annually! This is the ONLY oak near us. 

This is one sight I will not miss. The graffiti and large encampment right outside our building. I am disgusted with how the city has managed these issues and has NO regard for resident requests and concerns. In fact, the homeless have more rights than tax paying citizens.

Our complex was built in 1968. From our balcony, we could see all our fellow residents in our building. 

This is a sight I will greatly miss... the Kennedy Center. I was so excited to have a subscription to musicals in 2020. However, COVID hit and there went the subscription!

The front of our townhouse, which was two floors. 

I left behind Mattie's frog sandbox. Since other children in the complex play with it, I decided to leave it for them. 

This memorial garden is now overgrown. Typically Peter would weed it, but given the move, we have been focused on packing and moving. Peter planted many of these bushes with Mattie before he was diagnosed with cancer. When they planted these bushes they were knee height. Look at them now. 

The sad part about this is a neighbor tells me that all of these planting are getting dug up for structural maintenance. I am glad I don't have to see this happening to this garden. 

Our commons area, secured from the street. In this area Mattie learned to walk, ride a bike, fly a kite, and of course drive Speedy Red. 

We said good-bye to our home of 27 years. I am sure everyone who leaves a home behind has these same feelings. I just think ours are magnified given the nature of our loss. I can create areas within our new home that acknowledge Mattie, but it will be a space he never visited or was a part of. So in essence moving is another loss of him.  

I know saying that we lived there for 27 years may not mean much. But I moved into this space when I was 24 years old. I was practically a kid, and while there began my married life, we attended  graduate school, both Peter and I celebrated graduations there, Mattie was born, we raised him with all those milestones, and of course we went through cancer treatment there, and then learned to live the last 12 years of our lives without Mattie. Putting that into context, it sounds like we lived a lifetime there. 

 

After saying good-bye to our friends at the complex, I got into the car and both Peter and I were crying. So I suggested we head right to Dairy Queen. In times of stress, I turn to a blizzard. It is my therapy. 

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Tonight's photo was taken in August of 2007. Every August we took Mattie to Los Angeles to visit with my parents. Typically we would venture to San Diego for a weekend and take Mattie to Sea World and Legoland. Mattie absolutely LOVED Legoland and as you can see while at the park, we took a photo with a life sized Lego man!

Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins. 

• Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 39,543,191
• Number of people who died with the virus: 643,593

We NEED your VOTE to win $10,000! Please register today.... it is free. The on-line "Take the Plunge" event is only an hour long and after you hear from Mattie Miracle and four other non-profits, the audience votes. The greatest number of votes, helps us qualify to win $10,000! 

Register, watch, and VOTE on September 9th from 8-9pmEDT. It is that simple! If we win this $10,000 grant this will enable us to start a new initiative..... a psychosocial referral and resource program to link families coping with childhood cancer to qualified mental health providers in the community. 

Register today and share this posting with friends: bit.ly/TakeThePlunge-MMCF

I started my day by visiting the dermatologist, as I get a yearly skin check for cancers. When I arrived today, the office was surprise to see me. They said that I called earlier this morning to cancel my appointment. They said that I reported to have just received my COVID vaccine and was having a reaction, and wasn't feeling well. I am STUNNED and went ballistic. First of all I did not call the office and second I had my vaccines months ago! They got snappy with me, saying how were they supposed to know that this wasn't really me on the phone?! The better question is who is calling a doctor's office pretending to be me?!

In any case, they made room for me. When I finally got to see the doctor, the doctor wanted to know what I was going to do this Labor Day weekend. So I told her that I just moved from DC to Northern Virginia, and therefore am busy unpacking. Given the wonderful part of the city I lived in, she wanted to know why I moved. I explained that my parents are moving in with me, and I needed a bigger home. Her next comment made me pause and really it reminded me that we can't look at things from our own lens when talking with others. We really need to know where the other person is coming from. The doctor said.... how exciting to be moving and so nice that your parents can live with you and not in a nursing home. If I felt closer to this doctor, or if I had the emotional energy right now (which I don't), I would have corrected her. NOT all moves are positive and produce excitement and second not all older adults are in need of a nursing home. Clearly she is biased about moving and about older adults. Gives me great insights on her. Thankfully I am seeing her about skin and not emotional support. 

I literally went back to our townhouse today in the city to clean it out. I spent six hours doing everything from vacuuming, mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, and the kitchen. 

It is hard to believe that 27 years ago we walked into this townhouse for the first time and transformed it from an empty space into our home. 

I can't believe how empty our kitchen looks. I tend to be an organized person and love things to be clean. In fact, unless things are organized and clean, I feel uneasy. Despite my maintenance of the townhouse, I still had lots to clean today. 

While cleaning, throwing out garbage, and packing the car with the remaining items, I ran into some of our neighbors. One family in particular we have known for years. They are three brothers, and one of whom has special needs. It is the brother with special needs who has a close relationship with me. His other brothers said that he is devastated that I am leaving. So today I told them we need to meet up with each other on a regular basis. We may be moving, but we aren't relocating to another state. 

Our living and dining room. When Peter and I first moved into the townhouse, we spent our first night sleeping on the dining room floor. Our dining room table was a box! It was so many years ago, but it was just like yesterday. 

In fact, while cleaning the townhouse today, I felt like I was watching a movie in my head, as each room has so many memories. Our joke used to be when Mattie was a baby, that there was NOT even one spot in our home that he hadn't vomited on!

I used to call our living room.... my room with a view. 

Our stairs today. But they used to look like..............

This! Mattie loved climbing on the railing of the staircase and always lined his shoes on the stairs!

Our bedroom is completely cleared out. 

Mattie's room. Other people may move in after us, but to me this will always be Mattie's room. I can picture Mattie sleeping and playing in this room.

The bathroom Mattie and I shared.

Today, I took my wedding bouquet and threw it out. I had it all these years, but the flowers were falling apart, and this represents a completely different part of my life.

 

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. That day Peter and Mattie went with his buddy Zachary and his dad to a Day out with Thomas (the tank engine). Mattie and Zachary LOVED trains and spending the day riding trains and running around with each other made for a very memorable moment! 

Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins. 

• Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 39,338,982
• Number of people who died from the virus: 641,709

It dawned on me that I forgot to post this photo on last night's blog. The shelving in the office has three sections, and I only posted two of the three last night. The middle section is equally important as it has photos of Mattie with us, many of his clay pieces he created in clinic, his hand print, and the Lego taxi he built at the Lego store with a master builder. 

The Washington DC area got hit with a terrible storm from Hurricane Ida. I won't forget Ida any time soon. At 2am, we awoke from lightning and thunder. Then Sunny jumped on the bed in a panic. Needless to say, we both jolted out of bed. Peter had the where with all at that horrible hour to check on the basement during the storm! Brilliant! Because if he didn't we would have extensive damage this morning. 

We have a new door on order for the basement because we knew the current one wasn't water proof. In fact, it has a big seams in it, where we can even put our hand through when the door is closed. Keep that in mind. 

Any case, within minutes of Peter leaving our bedroom, I heard him screaming for me. He wanted me to know that the basement was completely flooded. I ran downstairs, but it took me a few minutes to understand what was happening at 2:30am. When I got downstairs, I was besides myself. This is a photo of our utility room. That wasn't so bad. 

But the entire basement, including the bedroom and bathroom were covered in two inches of water. Peter and I were wading through water up to our ankles. We started scrambling to address the issue. Peter has a wet/dry vacuum. But it died mid-use. There was just too much water. So I ran upstairs and got brooms and mops. I literally opened the outside basement door and started sweeping water out. The issue is the drain outside the door got jammed with leaves. Once Peter cleaned it, it did drain water appropriately. But our area received 3-4 inches of rain in 45 minutes. In comparison we can get that much rain in one month usually. So it was a deluge and practically impossible to manage.

We swept and mopped for almost four hours straight. We stopped at 6am. In the process of dealing with this, I called Servpro, which is a company that deals with water damage 24 hours a day. I honestly think that is a misnomer, because they sent someone this morning around 10am, after we cleaned up the mess.

We were vigilant at getting every drop of water out of the basement, and thankfully it only sat there for a few hours. After sweeping and mopping, we moved to drying down baseboards and bringing down fans and spraying Lysol. Fans are still going down there. In the process of dealing with that, I landed up doing multiple loads of laundry of towels and mats that got soaked with water. 

We haven't unpacked the basement, but we do have boxes and items down there. Many are of Mattie's things and I would have been livid if they were destroyed. I call it the basement and house from hell, as there isn't a minute's peace here. 

Any case, we have a plan in place to manage that outside drain to prevent it from getting covered in leaves again and we can't wait for the new door to be installed in October. 

Meanwhile it is raining and STILL raining cats and dogs. We are both on the edge as we don't want another night like the last one. 

By mid-afternoon today, we both took to the couch. I literally put on pajamas and I haven't moved since. Peter is resting and exhausted. Sunny and Indie are in the family room with us too and both took to their respective beds. A bad night for all four of us. 

I end tonight's posting with a photo of our TV stand in the family room. Not to see the TV, but to see all the items featured under it. As you can see it is the Sun, Moon, and Star theme... so in essence very Mattie Miracle!

The little red vase on the lower right hand shelf was the vase Mattie made for me on our last Valentine's day together. 

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Tuesday, August 31, 2021 -- Mattie died 622 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002. Mattie was four months old and by that point he loved his entertainment saucer. It was the only device that I could leave Mattie in for a few minutes and have my two hands free. Mattie loved being able to move around independently as the chair turned 360 degrees, and of course he loved all the gadgets that made noise on the saucer. 

Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.

• Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 39,171,259
• Number of people who died from the virus: 639,730

Another busy day on the Farm. If I am supposed to be having fun and enjoying this house, it isn't happening. It is non-stop work, and it is impossible for me to get to my emails, much less my Mattie Miracle work. 

On Sunday, I found a hummingbird feeder that I had. Given that I am seeing hummingbirds around, I decided to put it out on Sunday. If you look closely on the right, you will see a little brown colored hummingbird at the feeder. 

When I went out to walk Sunny this morning, we ran into our next door neighbor. Ironically neighbors on both sides of us are new. They purchased their homes a few months after us. Any case, this woman has four children and some with special needs. She is worried that her kids will be making too much noise when they eventually move in. Peter and I know something about special needs, so I think we alleviated her fears. But she has extensive work to do on her house and won't be moving in for a year. She took us inside, and after seeing her home, I am not sure how she is going to manage this renovation and four children. 

I spent a good portion of the day trying to go through boxes and things. The office is filled with book shelves. I did put some books out but instead, I am using the shelves to feature Mattie memories and Mattie creations. 

This set of shelves features so many things, from Mattie's Lego Taj Mahal, his pumpkin created out of clay, his clay figure of a boy in a wheelchair, his painting that says Love Mommy, and his Empire State Building to name a few.

This set of shelves has many of the Mattie Miracle awards we have earned, I dedicated a corner of memorabilia from our wedding, the plaque from the Washington Post of Mattie's obituary, some of his favorite shells, and I even have a red box with Patches ashes. Nurse Patches was an amazing cat and so good with Mattie. They loved each other and Mattie wanted to see Patches before he died, but the hospital would not allow her to come in.

I learned today that Peter will be traveling for business on Mattie's 12th anniversary of his death. In addition he will be gone for this Take the Plunge Challenge on September 9th. So I feel a lot of pressure to get the house unpacked, organized, and to figure out what I will say for this on line contest. 

I think I have been so busy with contractors and unpacking that I haven't been focused on our DC apartment and saying good-bye to what was a part of our life for 27 years. However, tonight the phone rang and it was our long-time neighbors in DC. They wanted to know if they would be seeing us again, and told us that our garden area now looks so empty! Hearing this made me come to terms with reality. The reality for me is I miss my DC space, the things that I have taken for granted as being so familiar, and the sites and sounds of the city. When and if Peter went away, I knew people in DC all around me, and I always knew I could call our front desk and in a minute, help would be on the way. I do not have this same security here and for me this is a huge adjustment.

Monday, August 30, 2021

Monday, August 30, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old and it was his first plane trip to Los Angeles. Mattie visited with my parents and truly enjoyed the backyard and being about to be outside and be one with nature. 

Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins. 

• Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 39,048,608
• Number of people who died from the virus: 638,671

I was up at 6am because it was going to be another full day with the plumber and HVAC folks. Our driveway is like an ad for FH Furr. It has been this way since June. Three months of non-stop work! Literally the workmen left at 6pm. That is 10 hours of work today. They are all wonderful and professional, but it is very hard to unpack when I can't easily get around the house. I find this very frustrating and stressful. I am also cleaning around the clock and the whole thing is getting tiring. 

Sunny and Indie were not thrilled to have all this work done at the house today. In between managing calls about the house and workmen, I went through paperwork in my office. I found a lot pertaining to my dissertation. I kept a letter from my dissertation chair. She wrote:

Vicki, I thought that you (or your parents) might like having a copy of the words I spoke in honoring you at the Doctoral Tea. 

Here are the words my dissertation chair shared at the tea, which was a graduate school specific event acknowledging doctoral students. Carol wrote,

Vicki Sardi was a stellar student throughout her doctoral program. She was always an active contributor to class, an exceptional addition to course projects, and she wrote outstanding papers. In fact, I always saved her course paper to read last in the group -- for two reasons. First, they were always superior, and second, her papers settled me into a good mood as I prepared to submit final grades.

While here Vicki received the GWU Bender Teaching Award for her superb teaching as an adjunct faculty member. She also received the ACA Multicultural Award, a Chi Sigma Iota Award, and about six other awards. 

Vicki came to us from the sciences and her work reflects the attention to detail and objectivity that are never far from a scientist's approach. But she did not have an easy time with advisors, having two who left the university and having then to settle with me. I'll never forget Vicki making me promise to stay well, to avoid risking activities, and to not even think about retiring. Sure, I agreed that I wouldn't take up sky-diving and promised not to retire. But I drew the limits at avoiding skiing!

Vicki's dissertation is a tour de force. In Erik Erikson's terms, she studied generativity, in this case, how organizations support those who care for elderly family members. It was not easy finding an organization or agency that offers eldercare services but she persisted --- in fact, she persisted to the extent that the federal agency she eventually did use -- came after her with an offer of full time employment. 

Vicki's doctoral study, and her need to show the support that employed caregivers need when caring for elderly loved ones, were in memory of her grandmother who had spent her last years needing full time eldercare services and of her parents who gave of themselves in her grandmother's care. Her grandmother and parents live on in Vicki's study and in the dedication to her dissertation that speaks miles about Vicki as a person. It reads, " in memory of my maternal grandmother, Anne Spallone, who showed my family how to age with grace, beauty, and dignity, and to my loving parents, Virginia and Mauro Sardi, who taught me the value, honor, and importance of compassion as caregivers. 

The announcement of my dissertation defense (which is like an oral presentation, followed by questioning by your research committee). I remember by the time I got to defense day, I was relatively calm. I felt like no one knew my study as well as I did. I was proud of my work and truly my dissertation chair was correct.... it was a tour du force, because it took me about THREE years to find my study sample. I really think most students would have given up or changed the nature of their study. But I was focused and committed to studying the stresses of family caregivers who balanced work and caring for a sick older adult. 

I remember Peter snapped several photos of me and friends at graduation. On the left is my friend Lisa. Though Lisa and I haven't lived in the same state for decades, we remain connected and I am honored that she remains a steadfast blog reader. She is a gifted educator and I always appreciate how she reminds me that I do use my counseling skills each and every day with the Foundation. Ironically though I can recall the other two women in the photo!

Me popping my head up in the crowd. 

Me and Mattie with my dissertation chair, Carol. 

Me with Carol, dressed up in our doctoral caps and gowns. 

Onto the house. We had all our air ducts cleaned out today. The HVAC folks were here for 6 hours. They said they NEVER saw ducts this dirty! We asked if this dirt could have been from our painting, plastering, and refinishing floors. They said NO! Certainly it contributed to the mess, but they feel these ducts haven't been cleaned for the life of the house (26 years). The dirt, dust, and dry wall material looked like white frosting.

The ducts are now clean, and this is what a clean duct looks like. 

Having workmen under foot is difficult for all four of us! Tonight when everyone left, we all settled in the family room to unwind!

August 29, 2021

Sunday, August 29, 2021

Tonight's picture was take in April of 2002. Perhaps a few days after Mattie was born. I was an absolute mess physically and also developed post-partum depression soon after. Peter literally cared for both of us the five days we were in the hospital, and he was the first one to change Mattie's diaper.  

Quote of the day: Tonight's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.

• Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 38,792,675
• Number of people who died from the virus: 637,518

While organizing one of our break fronts today, I came across this painted leaf. I forgot all about it! Mattie created it while in preschool. 

Peter got up at 5:45am and brought back a lot of items that were still in our townhouse in DC. We have been working the whole day and finally stopped at 7pm. I have been working a few new rugs on line and today we put out the outdoor rug. As you can see Sunny LOVES it!    

We unrolled the rug we bought for the dining room and positioned that as well. I did not think I'd like a "distressed rug." It is a new rug, but one that is given an antique look. Turns out I really love it and it captures all the colors I was hoping to highlight in the room. 

In my organizing, I found this wonderful Halloween bag that Mattie's good friend, Kazu, created for him. I think it is absolutely touching for a five year old to write... I love you Mattie! Kazu was Mattie's first friend that he made in his new school. They bonded the first day of summer camp and remained friends until the end. 

This funny looking schematic was of our deck in Washington, DC. Each spring we would plant in our flower boxes. It truly was a labor of love, because we had to buy the flowers and dirt and get it from the car to the townhouse. Which wasn't as easy as you think. As it involved stairs and an elevator. In any case, we had a schematic, because it would help us when we went to the nursery to buy plants. 

I found the trunk of our original lemon tree today! I am sure Peter kept it because it was a special tree to us. Unfortunately it died while Mattie was undergoing treatment. It required tender loving care and because we weren't around, it died. If you haven't guessed by now, we are attached to certain things in our life. 

This is our living room. Believe it or not, I actually had A LOT of furniture in our townhouse, so filling up the house is turning out to be NO problem! Here's the funny thing.... I think in the townhouse all our things were on top of each other, so we really couldn't appreciate any one of them. Now that things are spread out, we are really noticing and appreciating the things we collected together over the years. 

The family room is coming along. We rolled out a rug today for the room, and Sunny and Indie immediately sat on it. I may not have mentioned this but the white chair in the right corner was a chair we bought a few months before Mattie was born. We wanted a rocker and a comfortable place to sit with Mattie. Baby Mattie sat in this chair many times with us and the chair holds memories.