Friday, April 14, 2023

Friday, April 14, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. That day I took Mattie to the Reston Zoo. This was a zoo that Mattie absolutely loved. Mainly because it was small, never crowded, and there were a lot of hands on activities. One activity we always did was feed the goats. Mattie enjoyed being around animals. At first he was a bit timid (for good reason), but over time, he understood how he had to behave and what he needed to do to touch and feed the animals. In front of the entrance that day was a big pink Easter Bunny! I am glad I had Mattie stop and take a photo! As you can see he was giving me such a big smile, you can hardly see his eyes! 

Quote of the day: I guess I always thought it would be bigger, when a terrible thing happened. Didn't you think so? Doesn't it seem like houses ought to be caving in, and lightning and thunder, and people tearing their hair in the street? I never - I never thought it would be this small, did you? ~ Dan Chaon

It was another crazy day for me. I was up at 5:30am yet again, in order to get myself ready, breakfast made, my dad showered, dressed, fed, and off to his memory care program. I had to drop him off early because I had my yearly physical. Despite all that I am contending with, I continue to go for regular check ups and assessments. I believe being as proactive as possible is important. 

When I got to the doctor's office, I had an intake process on my cell phone! Personally I am not a fan of interacting with a cell phone when it comes to my health! I know I am in the minority, but I find it impersonal and frankly it is hard for me to take it seriously. One of the questionnaires I had to complete was clearly assessing for my level of depression. I practically laughed in the middle of the waiting room when completing the questions. If I answered the questions truthful, the doctor wouldn't be able to handle the results or me (so the question is why do they do these assessments other than for reimbursement purposes??)! 

I know clinically exactly what the questions were trying to assess and there was NO way I was going there today. For many reasons! One, I would like to see anyone else in my position handle my daily stresses better. Two, without the context of what I am living with, these trite questions are meaningless. Sure I have down days, and I feel down about myself. But that doesn't mean I am clinically depressed, it means that given my caregiving role, I am facing significant stress and exhaustion. Three, though I like my doctor, she is not an empathetic person and therefore trying to have a meaningful conversation about my caregiving role would be fruitless and frustrating for me!

I had no idea that on her mind today would be a discussion about needing to see a breast surgeon. Apparently she feels that I am at high risk for breast cancer. If I wasn't stressed before seeing her, this conversation could definitely send me over the edge. I understand where she is coming from, as she wants to be proactive with me given that I did have atypical hyperplasia in October of 2015, which required surgery. 

My doctor told me that research is showing that an MRI is considered more sensitive for picking up breast cancer than mammography. But at the same time an MRI can miss some cancers that would be detected by mammography. Which is why an MRI is recommended in combination with other tests like a mammogram and/or ultrasound. 

So on top of everything else, I have to get connected with a new breast surgeon for follow up. My doctor said if she prescribed a breast MRI for me, insurance wouldn't cover it, but if a breast surgeon writes a script for one, it will be covered. Truly the healthcare system is crazy and it can make you crazy in the process. 

I loved the surgeon I used in 2015, but she left the area. When my doctor started talking to me today about the limitations of mammography, I KNEW THIS ALREADY! I learned this first hand with my own experience in 2015. In addition, when I had a mammogram, sonogram, and guided breast biopsy on October 30, 2015 (which led me to having more surgery two weeks later), the radiologist who was working with me gave me an education about the mammogram and the benefits of ultrasound. 

If this discussion wasn't alarming enough, she also discussed with me my elevated cholesterol level. Honestly given my stressful lifestyle, I am surprised this is the only thing flagged in my blood work. I know exactly why my cholesterol is high! It is because my parents like eating out. The problem with that is I am not cooking what I am eating and don't know how things are prepped. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, our support network was exceedingly kind and brought us meals for over a year, DAILY! Of course it is hard to transport food and the best food for transport, is usually carbohydrates. So in 2009, after Mattie died, when I went for my physical, my cholesterol level was very high! But I found as I began to cook again and eat a more balanced diet, my cholesterol levels returned to normal. 

My doctor doesn't want to put me on medication, as she feels I can modify my diet and she will do blood work on me in six months. The only problem with this is it will take GREAT effort on my part to avoid certain foods. Besides eating out, I am also living with daily stresses. So it is natural to turn to carbs in those moments. Some people do alcohol or drugs, for me it is carbs. They bring me happiness. So overall, this was yet another challenging day, on top of weeks and months that I have endured already. 

Thursday, April 13, 2023

Thursday, April 13, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken on Easter of 2006. That day we took Mattie to his favorite restaurant for brunch. Ironically I did not know there was going to be visits from the Easter Bunny! So I couldn't prepare Mattie. When this giant Bunny came over to Mattie, he was very scared. But then I explained that this was a friendly Bunny who wanted to wish him a Happy Easter. Mattie agreed to a photo and to me this was a precious moment in time. It was completely unplanned, and I have found those are the best moments in life. 

Quote of the day: Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness. ~ Seneca

This morning, Peter sent me this photo from Seattle! He is in the Reverba office and as I told him he is looking great. Considering that he has had very long days since Monday, but I am glad he made the trip, as it has been a very fruitful and important first week at work!

A 9am we received a delivery! This flowers are from Peter's boss, welcoming him to the company. This arrangement most definitely has a West coast flair! The anthuriums from Hawaii are beautiful!

Meanwhile outside our home has been a set of tree trunks. Our neighbor is working on her backyard and I understand why in this case all these trees had to go. Some were unhealthy and dangerous. As of this afternoon, all of these logs are gone. 

I spent the morning going through items donated to Mattie Miracle for our toiletry drive in memory of Mattie's 21st birthday. 

I created a composition with all of the items in front of Mattie's Mr. Sun painting! When the items are in boxes, they don't look as impressive. Out of the boxes, it is very clear how generous our supporters are!

I love to put all the donated items together to feature in our April newsletter, as I believe it is important for supporters to see the work we are doing and how their donations make a huge difference. 

A close up of all these wonderful products!

This afternoon I took my parents out to lunch. Ironically this is the same restaurant featured above with the Easter Bunny! My family has been going to this restaurant in Alexandria for decades! For us it is like walking into Cheers (the TV show). So many people know our names!

Today the restaurant treated my dad to his entire lunch and when chocolate ice cream was brought out with a candle, we all started singing. My dad has his hand up to thank the table behind us who was singing loudly and joining along!

When I got home, I did chore after chore. But Peter text messaged me to let me know that our little neighbors came over to ring our door bell while I was away! The beauty of the Ring doorbell, is that Peter can track it from anywhere. Any case, I text messaged my neighbor and she encouraged me to come outside with her and the kids for a golf cart ride around the neighborhood! So I stopped what I was doing and DID IT! For 15 minutes we zoomed around the neighborhood, people waved to us, and we chatted! I told her it was like THERAPY ON WHEELS!

Wednesday, April 12, 2023

Wednesday, April 12, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. Mattie was three years old and we took him to Bunny Land at Butler's Orchard (in Maryland). Mattie always had a great time visiting this farm and he was excited to participate in their Easter Egg hunt. Before going on the hunt, we stopped for a photo in front of this Bunny made out of hay!

Quote of the day: The death of my own son has made me more sensitive. It’s made me more compassionate. ~ Rick Warren

It may have been my dad's 88th birthday today, but it was NOT a good day for me. Not for one particular reason, but MANY, that add up to being FED UP on every level. 

I started my day again at 5:30am (NOT my hour!). If I don't there is no way I can meet everyone's needs. My mom had a salon appointment in the city at 10am. Which meant that I needed from 5:30am onward to feed and medicate Sunny and Indie, get showered and dressed, make breakfast, clean up on the first floor, wake my dad up, make their bed, clean my dad's bathroom, shower and dress him, and get him downstairs for breakfast. On these early mornings, the stress I particularly have is herding both of my parents out the door. My mom is scattered and takes forever to get it together and it is stressful constantly giving her count downs to leaving. 

Before driving to the city, I tried to make a celebratory atmosphere at breakfast and wrapped gifts for my dad. After dropping him off at his memory care center, I drove into the city. It was a 40 minute drive back and forth and parking in the city always makes me neurotic, when I have my mom in tow. 

From the salon appointment, I went to pick my dad up at the memory care center and then came home to let Sunny out and fold laundry and unload the dishwasher. An hour later, I got my parents back into the car, and we took my dad out to dinner. 

When we arrived at our table, Cheryl (our server) decorated the table and had gifts awaiting my dad. In fact, she greeted us in the hallway and she and I sung happy birthday to my dad! Of course he is CLUELESS and his main objective was to get to the table!

Cheryl's decorations! I honestly do not expect anything from anyone. Which is why Cheryl is truly an amazing gift to me. She is extremely thoughtful and her kindness is noteworthy!

 

My parents with Cheryl! Cheryl even got us party hats!

The birthday boy!

Tuesday, April 11, 2023

Tuesday, April 11, 2023 -- Mattie died 706 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That afternoon, I picked him up from preschool, and we went to the mall to meet the Easter Bunny. I have to admit that Mattie wasn't sure about this encounter and was definitely suspect of this large creature! However, the Bunny was nice to Mattie and Mattie did give us a big smile. I am so glad I captured that moment, because ironically it was the only time we visited the Easter Bunny. Mattie was far braver than I was at his age. I remember my mom taking me to a department store when I was Mattie's age to have tea with the Easter Bunny. As soon as I saw this larger than life rabbit, I hid under the table! 

Quote of the day: As someone who has lived the nightmare of losing a child, I know that the enormous hole left behind remains forever. ~ Arthur Honegger

I got my dad ready for bed last night around 9:30pm. I am finding he seems very tired this week and totally out of it! After I put him down, my mom continued to watch TV, while I went into my office. I worked from 10pm to almost 2am on writing a review for a journal article. Honestly the fact that I can string two words together right now is a total feat. I generated four pages of typed feedback for the editor of the journal, and I am hoping my insights were of help. The study I was reading about addressed one of the Standards within the Psychosocial Standards of Care, so I was very motivated to participate. But it is hard after a long day and then to wake up this morning at 6:30am, was equally challenging. 

After doing the morning routine with my dad, I decided to wrap all of his birthday gifts. My dad turns 88 tomorrow and though he is going to his memory care center in the morning, we will be taking him out for an early dinner and having him open gifts. I received a text message this morning from Peter to water our plants outside that he recently planted. So I went outside and took my mom into the backyard. She liked the experience so much that we landed up sitting outside for a bit of time. I am glad she enjoyed being outside, because this is something that I love to do! Of course I was monitoring what was going on inside at the same time, because my dad can NOT be left to his own devices! 

My dad's latest anxiety is who will give him his pills if something happens to me or my mom? Honestly if something happens to me, he has a much bigger problem than who is giving him his pills. I know that his anxieties seem to get worse when Peter is out of town. As he views Peter as a back up to me. 

In addition to his anxieties this week, my dad seems to have no energy and when we take him out to eat, he lands up only eating bread and fruit. I have tried all of his favorite foods, but he keeps saying he is full. It is very frustrating because he wants to go out to eat, but when we start eating he pushes the plate away from him and then watches us eat. Of course I know I can't eat in peace, because he has numerous needs such as food requests, needing tissues, toothpicks, and of course runs to the bathroom.

Peter sent me some photos of the office space in Seattle. I grew up in a different era where offices looked more formal! Fortunately when Peter worked in Arlington, his office space had a similar sterile, industrial look. So this did not catch me off guard. But the office has huge windows and is on the 20th floor. 

This is the look with exposed pipes and lights! I truly wonder how people like such an open concept space. I know I would appreciate the windows and natural light. 

Peter can see the famous Space Needle from the office. 

Even the water! I believe this is Elliott Bay. 

The office has quotes and uplifting messages on the walls. You know I love quotes and stories, so this resonates with me. 

Some of the core values and reminders to those who work at the office!














After taking my parents out for lunch, we got back and our neighbor invited my mom out on a golf cart ride through the neighborhood. My neighbor knows that my mom desperately wants to go on a bicycle, but physically can't anymore. So she tried to do the next best thing, by giving her a ride, so the wind could go through her hair and she could feel like she was in essence riding a bicycle. It was a very thoughtful gesture. 

While my mom was out, my dad asked me.... are we going out to eat? Keep in mind that we just got back to the house less than thirty minutes before he asked the question. My dad had NO recollection of going out at all, much less eating. It is a deeply sad commentary.  

Monday, April 10, 2023

Monday, April 10, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken on Easter of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That day we went to the US Arboretum and walked around. Mattie loved this park because it was wide open, lots of things to see, never too many people, and wonderful walking paths. As you can see, Mattie found two dandelions and was carrying them around on his favorite form of transportation, on Peter's back. The one of the many things I learned from Mattie was to appreciate nature, walking outside, and exploring. This was not something I did prior to him, but it is definitely one of the gifts he left behind for me. 

Quote of the day: When you are in psychological distress and someone really hears you without passing judgement on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good! ~ Carl R. Rogers

Ever since I was a graduate student, I have been a fan of Carl Rogers. Rogers was an American psychologist and among the founders of the humanistic approach to psychotherapy. Even as a young graduate student, his philosophy resonated with me. 

Why? For two reasons. (1) Rogers believed that all people possess an inherent need to grow and achieve their potential. This need to achieve self-actualization, he believed, was one of the primary motives driving behavior. (2) For psychotherapy to be successful, Rogers suggested, it was imperative for the therapist to provide unconditional positive regard to the client. This means that the therapist accepts the client as they are and allows them to express both positive and negative feelings without judgment or reproach.

The humanistic approach is so powerful that I think it transcends therapeutic relationships and instead should be applied to every human interaction we have with people. Or at least be applied to people we wish to have a close connection to in our lives. Just think what a better world this would be if we could approach each other and truly listen to one another without the baggage of judgment, guilt, and ramifications. To be truly heard and our feelings understood are gifts. 

I bring this up because my cousin Maureen text messaged me today. From one caregiver to another, we speak the same language and we are able to understand exactly where the other is coming from. Being a caregiver is a selfless 24/7 role and in the process, I am constantly reminded that the person I am now caring for is NO longer the person I once knew. Even through text messaging, I could tell immediately that Maureen understood my feelings and my exhaustion. Not that it makes me happy that she knows any of this first hand, what makes me happy is that what she said to me today helped to stabilize me. It is hard to be stable at times when living a truly impossible existence. But it is amazing what kind, insightful, and empathetic words can do for one's spirit. 

It was another wild day on the farm. My day started at 5:30am. One thing about me is I am NOT a morning person. Yet since my parents moved in, there is no such thing as sleeping in! That concept is a distance memory! I had to get up very early because Blanca, the lady who helps me clean the house was coming over at 8:30. Which meant that Sunny needed to be fed and given his chemotherapy, I had to get showered and dressed, breakfast made, and tend to my dad's needs in order to get him washed, dressed, and downstairs by 8:30am. I felt like I was on a treadmill. 

After dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I checked in with my mom who looked exhausted. She was sleeping at the breakfast table. I am seeing a pattern. She has a physical therapy session and then two and three days later she is luggage. Too tired to function. So while Blanca was cleaning up, I brought my mom to my bedroom, put her in bed, and let her watch TV. My parents do not want a TV in their bedroom, so in order to make today work, I had my mom in my room. While my mom was resting, I used that time to read a research paper, which I have been asked to review for a journal. Given that the research is on one of the Psychosocial Standards of Care, I truly want to do a good job on this. But finding time to read and synthesize information is close to impossible in my house. Thankfully today I was able to spend a few hours reading, re-reading, and writing notes about the study. 

At 2pm, I went to pick up my dad and took both of my parents out for a late lunch. When Peter isn't home, we go out everyday. It gives us the chance to interact with the outside world. After lunch was over (which I assure you is never peaceful), I got home and was hit with one chore after the other (for example..... folding laundry, unloading the dishwasher, feeding Sunny and Indie, helping my mom deposit checks and pay bills, give my dad his pills, prep my dad's white board, calendar, and journal book for tomorrow, take the trash out to the curb, and open all mail and packages that came in). Literally it is 6pm and I am wiped out with no end in sight. 

Sunday, April 9, 2023

Sunday, April 9, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken on Easter of  2009. Mattie was in the hospital for the holiday. Hospitals and holidays don't go well together. Mainly because it feels like a ghost town, as they try to discharge as many patients as possible for the holidays and the regular staff is typically off. So it's a very isolating feeling, on top of the usual isolating feeling that we had to adjust to upon diagnosis. 

That day, two teenagers (who we had come to know from Mattie's school) came to the hospital to host an Easter egg hunt for him. They placed the eggs all over the pediatric hallways, and they wheeled Mattie around in his chair as he located the eggs. They brought him this beautiful basket as well and the eggs weren't filled with candy, but toys! They knew Mattie really wasn't into sugary things, but definitely appreciated all the little toys. This planned activity was SO appreciated because all distractions helped us take our minds off of cancer and its treatment for a little while.  

Quote of the day: Where flowers bloom, so does hope. ~ Lady Bird Johnson

Peter left the house at 6:30am, in order to catch his morning flight to Seattle. When I got downstairs this morning, I found notes he left for me. Peter leaves them in places he knows I will find them. Like the cabinet with cups! Peter has been doing this tradition for as long as I can remember!

Peter knows I clean the kitchen counters each morning. So rest assured I am in the rag closet often!

My other morning routine is vacuuming the first floor! Which is why the note says... suck it up! Any case these notes brought a smile to my face today. 

It has been non-stop chores today, which began with lots of linens from changing my parent's bed. While running around this morning, my mom called our cousin. My cousin Maureen is an extraordinary woman who has provided care to countless loved ones in her life. If I were Maureen, I would be perpetually in a bad mood. But this isn't Maureen. She is loving, has a great sense of humor, is very patient, and has a positive outlook on life. To me this is incredible.

When my mom chats with Maureen, it gives me time to do things uninterrupted. Typically I do not listen in on their conversations, but while folding laundry I happened to over hear my mom telling Maureen that she cared for my dad the same way that I did when they were in Los Angeles. I was in no mood to listen to that delusional comment, so I out loud I happen to say.... you are delusional, and my mom heard me. My mom has a way of rewriting history, and in her mind she truly believes that she bathed, toileted, and managed all my dad's needs in LA. Of course this wasn't true, as she had caregivers in the morning who managed all my dad's needs and when she took my dad out to eat, he was more independent then, and did not need direct assistance in the bathroom, like he does now. I suppose I should just let her live in her delusional state and most times I do, unless I have reached my limit. 

I took my parents out to brunch. When we arrived at the table, Cheryl, our server, decorated the tables with all sorts of Easter gifts for us. It truly brightened our afternoon and she made us feel special. 

The Easter Bunny was walking around greeting guests and I snapped a photo of my mom and Cheryl!

Me with the Bunny and Cheryl! I remember taking Mattie to Clyde's on Easter and he too took a photo with the Easter Bunny. It was a moment in time I will never forget! 

Cheryl snapped a photo of all of us. While at lunch, my dad had me hopping with napkins, tissues, removing garbage from the table (YES I travel with my own plastic bag to pick up after him at the table), and different food requests. I happened to make a joke about all this juggling I was doing and my dad said he is saying a prayer. Meaning he is saying a prayer that God forgives me for making fun of him. Again, I wasn't in the mood for his humor and I told him he should say a prayer for me because the average child would not alter her life to manage both his and my mom's needs. In fact, I told him if I was the person who needed the the kind of help they need, I am quite sure my parents would have institutionalized me. I am not being mean, it is simply the reality of my situation.

Peter sent me some photos from the sky, on his decent into Seattle!

The building circled in red is where Peter will be working when in Seattle. 

Saturday, April 8, 2023

Saturday, April 8, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. That day we were hosting Mattie's 6th birthday party at a bowling alley. Mattie requested to have a bowling party and we invited his entire kindergarten class and several preschool friends. It never dawned on me that parents would drop off their children, and not stay. I hadn't planned for that! But I was thankful that our preschool friends' moms stayed and together they helped us with around 15 children. Ironically at the party, Mattie developed a high fever. You can see he wasn't himself in this photo. Once we got home that day, Mattie napped on the couch for the rest of the day, which meant that he was quite sick. It is hard to believe that three months later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: There are words like ‘orphan’, ‘widow’ and ‘widower’ in all languages. But there is no word in any language to describe a parent who loses a child. How does one describe the pain of ‘ultimate bereavement?' ~ Neena Verma

All day today I have felt like the walking wounded. You know the feeling where you just want to put your head down and rest? Unfortunately I may have felt that way, but there was no break in sight. My dad's physical therapist came this morning and while she was here, Peter and I walked over to our neighbor's house and delivered a big Easter basket filled with candy for four children. Of course if I go next door, my six year old friend wants to play. So today I learned to play Uno, a card game for children. 

Have I ever played this game before? I have no idea! I would say not, since Mattie was like me, we both were not into card games and games in general. Not sure why, but there you have it. Any case, our neighbors have taught me 5 Crowns and now Uno. So I am on a roll. 

Tomorrow morning, Peter leaves for Seattle. He officially starts his job on Monday and is going to the company's headquarters for trainings and meetings. We are all very proud of Peter. My dad of course is VERY fixated on Peter leaving and my joke with my dad today was that I was going to pack a bag for him so he could join Peter on his trip. Or I told him better yet, when Peter comes back I will leave all of them alone for two weeks, while I take a break. I am joking, because there is no way Vicki is going to get a break, but I am trying to make a point to my dad. STOP being fixated on Peter, and if he was more clued in he would be concerned about my health and welfare. After all I am the primary caregiver and meet his every need. Despite that fact, my dad remains focused on Peter.

I received a card in the mail from my friend Nancy today! Look at this beautiful stamp! I almost forgot that Peter and I created these stamps in 2010! When Mattie was diagnosed in 2008, our catch phrase was "stomp out osteosarcoma" or just "stomp it out." Of course the sun on the stamp is Mattie's "Mr. Sun" creation that he painted with his art teacher in 2008! It was from this sun painting that the logo for Mattie Miracle was created. 

But why use the term 'STOMP?' It all started back in August of 2008, when we tried to help Mattie visualize and understand bone cancer. Since cancer is a hard concept, I decided to use something Mattie could relate to.... bugs. So his art therapists crafted a bug out of clay. We explained to Mattie that he had "bone bugs" inside his bones and the way to get rid of them was to use medication called chemotherapy. To help him understand what chemotherapy would do, we placed the clay bug on the floor and had Mattie stomp on it. In essence stomp it out, to hopefully cure his bone cancer. Mattie loved this analogy and definitely understood that even if he liked bugs, he did not want them inside his bones. So Mattie bought into the treatment process early, which was our goal, as he felt it was important to provide developmentally appropriate information to Mattie throughout his journey. 

 

We took my parents out to dinner tonight and look what I got for dessert. A coconut bunny cupcake! I am a big coconut fan. 

Friday, April 7, 2023

Friday, April 7, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. Mattie was 5 years old. That day, we were celebrating his birthday at the National Zoo with all of his classmates. I will never forget this day because it wasn't just raining, it was torrential rain. I thought the party was going to be a disaster. I contacted all the moms that morning and told them that the party was still on (because the zoo had a rain or shine policy on parties) and that the kids should bring umbrellas and rain coats. You should have seen our group walking around the zoo with a guide in that weather! Ironically the kids had a ball and all the animals were out frolicking in the rain. What could have been a horrible party, turned out to be a great adventure. 

Quote of the day: Every morning I wake up to perform my one and only character. A Rising Phoenix in spite of it all. ~ Michele Bell

Another crazy day for me. I drove back and forth to Virginia Hospital Center twice today! I had a 9:15am blood test for my physical next week. That may not sound bad, but trust me in order to get out of the house at 8:30am to drive to the hospital, I have to first get myself ready, make breakfast, make my parent's bed, clean up after my dad in the bathroom, get my dad washed, dressed, and downstairs for breakfast, and then start a load of laundry. Truly by 8:30am, I felt like I ran a marathon and couldn't eat anything either before the test. 

After the blood work, I came home and did more chores, and then got my mom into the car and drove her to the hospital for her physical therapy session. So understand that's a 35 minute drive to the hospital and 35 minute drive home. I did that twice today. Once therapy was over, I got back home, took my dad to the bathroom and then loaded them both in the car and took them out to eat. Which is another 35 minute drive each way! If you have been calculating here, that is a total of 210 minutes or 3.5 hours of driving today alone.

On another note, it has come to my attention this week that not every Christian person likes Easter bunnies and Easter eggs representing the holy holiday of Easter. Similar to the debate about the commercialism of Christmas (with Santa). As these fun and iconic symbols take away from the spiritual and religious nature of the holidays. I can certainly understand how someone may feel this way, but I also know that I grew up with Easter eggs and bunnies, and to me that did not take away in any way the religious meaning of the holiday. In fact, I do think that bunnies and eggs are the perfect symbols for rebirth or resurrection. So after hearing about this egg and bunny debate, I decided to understand more about the origins of the Easter bunny, eggs, and candy!

I turned to the History Channel and found this article. So where did the Easter bunny come from? The Bible makes no mention of a long-eared, short-tailed creature who delivers decorated eggs to well-behaved children on Easter Sunday; nevertheless, the Easter bunny has become a prominent symbol of Christianity’s most important holiday. The exact origins of this mythical mammal are unclear, but rabbits, known to be prolific procreators, are an ancient symbol of fertility and new life.

(the photo captures some of the Easter gifts I put together for the amazing restaurant servers in our life!)

According to some sources, the Easter bunny first arrived in America in the 1700s with German immigrants who settled in Pennsylvania and transported their tradition of an egg-laying hare called “Osterhase” or “Oschter Haws.” Their children made nests in which this creature could lay its colored eggs. Eventually, the custom spread across the United States and the fabled rabbit’s Easter morning deliveries expanded to include chocolate and other types of candy and gifts, while decorated baskets replaced nests. Additionally, children often left out carrots for the bunny in case he got hungry from all his hopping.

(the photo illustrates the Easter eggs my mom and I colored together)

Easter is a religious holiday, but some of its customs, such as Easter eggs, are likely linked to pagan traditions. The egg, an ancient symbol of new life, has been associated with pagan festivals celebrating spring. From a Christian perspective, Easter eggs are said to represent Jesus’ emergence from the tomb and resurrection. Decorating eggs for Easter is a tradition that dates back to at least the 13th century, according to some sources. One explanation for this custom is that eggs were formerly a forbidden food during Lent, so people would paint and decorate them to mark the end of the period of penance and fasting, then eat them on Easter as a celebration.

Easter is the second best-selling candy holiday in America after Halloween. Among the most popular sweet treats associated with this day are chocolate eggs, which date back to early 19th-century Europe. Eggs have long been associated with Easter as a symbol of new life and Jesus’ resurrection. Another egg-shaped candy, the jelly bean, became associated with Easter in the 1930s (although the jelly bean’s origins reportedly date all the way back to a Biblical-era concoction called a Turkish Delight). 

According to the National Confectioners Association, over 16 billion jelly beans are made in the United States each year for Easter, enough to fill a giant egg measuring 89 feet high and 60 feet wide. For the past decade, the top-selling non-chocolate Easter candy has been the marshmallow Peep, a sugary, pastel-colored confection. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania-based candy manufacturer Just Born (founded by Russian immigrant Sam Born in 1923) began selling Peeps in the 1950s. The original Peeps were handmade, marshmallow-flavored yellow chicks, but other shapes and flavors were later introduced, including chocolate mousse bunnies.

Thursday, April 6, 2023

Thursday, April 6, 2023 

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was celebrating his fourth birthday. That was the first year we did not host a party at home. Instead, we chose Riverbend Nature Center. The kids had a wonderful time going on a nature walk with a naturalist, doing a dig in the sandbox for plastic dinosaurs, and having a meet and greet with various animals like turtles and snakes. Peter snapped this photo of us as I was encouraging Mattie to blow out the candles. 

Quote of the day: We do not "get over" a death. We learn to carry the grief and integrate the loss in our lives. In our hearts, we carry those who have died. We grieve and we love. We remember. ~ Nathalie Himmelrich

The past two days it has been over 80 degrees in Northern Virginia. The humidity is back in full force and it feels more like summer than spring. But I have refused to turn on the air conditioning. Instead, I had the windows open. However, when I woke up this morning, I literally felt like I couldn't move and could pass out from the heat. Thankfully Peter insisted on turning on the air conditioning and within ten minutes I felt like I could get myself together to face another day. 

My lifetime friend Karen jokes with me. She says I should record what I do in any given day, probably because my schedule is impossible on a good day. Yet I have done this day in and day out since November of 2021! I admit there are times that I am so overwhelmed and tired, that I get snappy. As I would love to be able to take a break, go on a trip, or even have a conversation with someone without worrying about bathroom runs and other needs!

It was another day of chaos here. We had the plumber, the exterminator, the landscaper, and my dad's physical therapist here. All at the same time, naturally. How I think I can get anything done, is a riot, and you think by now I would accept this fact. But I am persistent and while all of these people were here, I was sending emails to companies, asking for sponsorships for the Walk. Asking for money is not something I was trained to do and it doesn't come naturally to me. However, I had to move passed my comfort zone in order to raise money for our cause. I have learned so much about non-profit work and myself over these last 14 years. Of course my driving force is and will always be Mattie. So not unlike an aggressive mom caring and protecting her small child, I provide the same level of focus, attention, and thoughtful advocacy toward Mattie's Foundation, my second baby!

Peter snapped some beautiful photos today! This is Sunny at daybreak!

The sun rising in our backyard. 

We have a cherry tree in our front yard. I have a love hate relationship with it. I think they are stunning and glorious while flowering on the tree, but as the blossoms start falling, it is like pink dirty snow everywhere. These pink flowers stick on shoes and we drag them all over the house. 

Wednesday, April 5, 2023

Wednesday, April 5, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. We were celebrating Mattie's third birthday! That year, the party theme was Blue's Clues. It was quite the party because I had a student of mine come perform a magic show and then we hosted a Blue's Clues game for the kids to play. By Mattie's third birthday, he was fully on board with the fun and excitement that comes with a party. 

Quote of the day: The death of a child is like a stone cast into the stillness of a pond; the ripples are endless. ~ Rachel Yoder

One of the things I haven't mentioned is that our next door neighbor is having a lot of work done on her house. This brings a great deal of activity and chaos to our cul de sac. Some days it is down right hilarious how many cars and trucks can fit in one tight space. Fortunately I am used to living in the city, where noise was plentiful! So truly the chaos is noteworthy but not enough to make me uneasy. It also helps that our neighbor is lovely, her son visits me regularly, and she takes an interest in Mattie and Mattie Miracle. 

Or perhaps I have enough chaos inside my home that outside doesn't seem as bad. But to add to my neighbor's activity, we had window cleaners here this morning starting at 8:30am. Since the house has so many windows, when they are dirty, things can look depressing. It is amazing how clean windows can change one's whole outlook and perspective. This husband and wife team were so great, that they even came inside and cleaned some of our bigger windows for no additional charge. The couple is committed to doing a great job and their attention to detail was outstanding.  

Mattie's favorite nurse, Tricia, sent me this photo last night on his birthday. Tricia also thinks of Mattie every time she sees a big Mattie Moon! 

I was recalling a Mattie moment with Tricia yesterday. Mattie was in the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU) of the hospital. On that occasion, Mattie was outside his room in the PICU hallway and saw Tricia on the other side of the unit. Mattie let out with a big scream and said 'TRICIA!' Tricia came running because she thought Mattie was in pain or needed medical attention. When Tricia came over and asked Mattie what was wrong, his response was, "I wanted to tell you I LOVE you!" It was such an unplanned, unexpected, and natural moment, that neither of us will ever forget it. 

I am rarely on Facebook anymore. I am still interested in what my friends are doing, but frankly given all I am juggling, I find that I can't even return emails, much less spend time on Facebook. So many people do not know that I am a full-time caregiver once again, and I am sure many just think I have either forgotten about them or don't care. Neither of which is true. 

When I went onto Facebook yesterday to post about Mattie's birthday, I found that a fellow cancer advocate posted this beautiful collage on my page. I absolutely LOVE it and wanted to share it here!