Wednesday, September 18, 2024

Wednesday, September 18, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old. Mattie went up to Boston with Peter to visit his family. This photo captures all the cousins together. Mattie was the youngest of the cousins, and tried to keep up with them in activities and conversation. A precious moment in time. 

Quote of the day: Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go, but rather learning to start over. ~ Nicole Sobon

Tonight's quote is so meaningful. It is extremely daunting, scary, frightening, and overwhelming to think that I have to start all over again. That I lost the one person who was my world, my everything, and I always thought we would have each other forever. But since Peter left almost a year ago, I have been forced to find a way forward each and every day. I assure you it isn't easy and if I wasn't caring for my parents, I would really be really lost, questioning my reality, and my future. Caregiving is my major distraction and as I have learned, distractions are NECESSARY when coping with trauma. 

This morning, I received an email from my former physical therapist. I worked with her years ago, when I was diagnosed with a torn labrum (protective ring of cartilage that is found outside the rim of the socket of your hip joint). This email was totally out of the blue, because we haven't kept in touch after my therapy ended. But I went to therapy for months and thanks to the therapy, I did not need surgery. Which was amazing! 

Any case, the therapist wrote....................

Good morning Vicki,

I know this will be an out of the blue message, and I hope this is to the right person. I worked at Washington orthopedics and sports medicine between 2014-2019 and we would have crossed paths then. I’m pretty sure it was you who gave me a “Hope” keychain. As you can see by the attached picture…it has started to fall apart. I’ve always remembered the name of your foundation and the reason you had given me the keychain (that I had given you hope back). It has been a constant reminder these last years for why I do my job. I was wondering if I would be able to purchase another one of these keychains from you? Thank you so much.

My response...............................

I absolutely remember you and YES that keychain is from the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation. Since working with you, I haven't had to go back to the doctor for hip issues. I will never forget our time together because I was truly worried I would need surgery. You provided hope, healing, and a new lease on life. I am very touched after all these years that you would still have the HOPE keychain that I gave you. I hope life in Colorado is everything you had hoped for and that you are still working as a PT. As you have many gifts and skills to bestow on people. I will be happy to mail you another keychain. Just send me your address. 

Literally when I received this message this morning and read it, my initial reaction was..... WOW I don't even remember bringing my therapist a HOPE keychain, nor do I remember thanking her with it because she gave me hope of living a pain free life without needing surgery. It wasn't until she recounted the story that I was able to connect the dots. When I think about that moment in time, it seemed like AGES AGO! When my life was profoundly different because Mattie wasn't alive, but stable because I had the love of my husband and I thought we would always have each other to navigate the challenges of life. Life is filled with challenges, stress, and trauma, not to mention grief. But I have found sharing these moments with my spouse made them far more manageable. Living life without my other half has felt like a limb has been amputated from my body. It isn't natural, it doesn't make me happy, and leaves me with great angst and heartache each and every day. 

My life feels stuck and that alone can be distressing. But it is not just stuck, it's broken, and I am left to pick up the pieces. Yet there is no time to pick up the pieces because I am too busy dealing with the house, with my parents, with cleaning, cooking, and non-stop bill paying, and the Foundation. There are no glimmers, just a lot of darkness, with no end in sight.