Saturday, January 20, 2024

Saturday, January 20, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was home between treatments and what you maybe able to see in the background was the frame of a hospital bed. In fact our entire living room looked like a hospital room. It had IV poles, a commode, a bed, and lots of lots of toys and materials. Mattie was on the floor playing and at one point, he moved close to Peter and decided to lie down on top of him. Peter and I coped with the impossible. We know all too well the complexities of life and through this nightmare, we always had each other. It was our intact family unit that made the unbearable, bearable. We were never alone and we always wanted Mattie to know he was loved and our number one priority. 

Quote of the day: Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them and filling an emptiness we didn’t ever know we had. ~ Thom Jones

On January 20th, I always post a tribute to my maternal grandmother. She died on January 20, 1994, at the age of 86. My grandmother lost her husband to colon cancer (when she was in her 50's) before I was born. By the time I came along, my grandmother was already living with my parents. So to me a multi-generational household was normal. 

Facts about my grandma:

1. She was born in 1907, in New York. 
2. Both of her parents were born in Italy. 
3. She was the oldest of five siblings. 
4. She married at the age of 16. Her husband was born in Italy and was a contractor for commercial and residential properties. 
5. She had three children. Her middle child died (Sudden Infant Death). 
6. Though she did not work outside the home, she had numerous skills. Cooking being at the top of the list. 
7. She was a born caregiver and cared for everyone in her family. 
8. She sponsored many family members to come to America and is in essence responsible for their successes and improved quality of life. 
9. She was a kind, gentle, caring, and loving person. With a very easy-going personality. 
10. She had two grand-daughters, but she and I shared a very close bond. As I was known to call her "mom."
11. Her favorite color was green. 
12. She introduced me to Days of Our Lives at an early age. 
13. She played the piano by ear. 
14. She wasn't a fan of chocolate (not unlike Mattie).
15. She wasn't squeamish. She could handle everything from mice to seeing blood. 
16. She did not know how to drive. 
17. She loved to read and was well informed about all current events. 
18. She was a Bob Hope and Bing Crosby fan. As a result, I have seen all the Road to.... movies. 
19. She loved lily of the valley flowers. 
20. She suffered a massive stroke in 1990, which left her physically disabled. She died 4 years later.  

This photo was taken in 2018. I went to Alexandria to walk with my friend Tina and her dog, Max. It is hard to believe that both Sunny and Max are no longer on this earth. Both dogs meant the world to their moms! 

I used to call Sunny the Ambassador! He earned that title because he got along with every person, child, and animal. Sunny loved life and in the process he made me want to get out into the world and explore just like him. Without him the world is grayer but the joy he brought to my life will always warm my heart. He lives on within me, but my outlook on life right now is dark. 

Though we never left the house today, I never stopped for one minute. After getting my dad up, showered, dressed, and he had breakfast. I made him do his 15 minute walking routine. Once he was settled, I shoveled the rest of the driveway and moved the snow away from the end of the driveway. Some one came to plow our cul de sac last night and did a terrible job. The person piled the snow in front of the driveway and I had a heck of a time digging out of it today. 

After snow removal, I hopped on a two hour virtual support group. I am not a big support group fan, never have been, but given all that I am coping with now, and the uniqueness of some of my issues, I felt compelled to reach out to people who may understand me. I learned a lot today and though problems aren't solved, I did feel less alone and validated. I take it one day at a time and fortunately living with trauma is not a new feature in my life. But I would say traumas and grief do pile up on one another, and one trigger can re-ignite all the others. 

I went out to get the mail today and found this beautiful card from my friend Toni awaiting me. Toni, is Brandon's mom, Mattie's best friend in cancer. Toni and I lived through a very horrific time together and it means a great deal to know she still stands besides me. I was deeply touched to know that she remains a blog reader after all these years and continues the journey with me. I will never forget the special bond Mattie and Brandon shared, and on the day that Mattie died, Brandon came to the hospital (and keep in mind that Brandon lived almost two hours away from the hospital) and he sat in the room with us while we had an impromptu celebration of life for Mattie. 

The tributes for my Sunman continue to grow. Cards and gifts! I am grateful to all my friends who are acknowledging this big loss in my life. 

Friday, January 19, 2024

Friday, January 19, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was home from his trip to New York City, where he began his experimental treatment. While there, we tried to do some sight seeing, which wasn't easy in the city with a wheelchair. But we made it happen. We took Mattie to the Empire State Building and in the gift shop we bought an erector set. Mattie and Peter assembled it together and believe it or not, to this day, this building remains in my office on display. We had great hopes back then that we could fight this disease, and to me this silver erector set is that symbolic beacon of hope that remains alive in my office. 

Quote of the day: The bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth can ever be. ~ Konrad Lorenz

Today is Day 9 without Sunny! I will never forget the beauty of dog ownership. No matter the weather, Sunny needed to go out. With his beautiful double coat, he did not mind the cold at all. I however, had to learn to dress appropriately to manage our two hour walks. Honestly the idea of going for a walk now is very unappealing without my buddy in tow. 

My friend Dawnee sent me this lovely book today. It is a loving book of poetry focused on dog ownership. It is hard to describe the depths of losing a dog, but for me Sunny was my world. Without him, everything is gray. I have been so used to cooking extra food at dinner time for 7 years, that now even my cooking is completely off. I always think..... maybe Sunny will like this? Or I have to save extra chopped meat to make a Sunny burger. I hope he is getting all the treats he so deserves up there in heaven and that Mattie has found Sunny. Mattie always wanted a dog, and I am hoping by now my two best boys have found one another. 

I spent the day trapped at home and working at the computer. It was like the day came and went. In fact, I would say my existence since Peter left is just that..... I exist but there is no happiness or joy. 

My dad's memory care center was closed and the weather prediction in my opinion was very off. As we got more snow then I know what to do with. 

Thankfully my neighbor dug us out twice today, but look at the status of the street. Totally impossible to drive. Remember I learned to drive in Los Angeles, so I am not skilled in snow. In addition, the driveway is an ice skating rink and I need to order sand asap in order to address this problem, as I have no intention of breaking a bone. 

Thursday, January 18, 2024

Thursday, January 18, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken on January 12, 2009. Mattie was in New York City, to start his experimental treatment. He was required to start it in NY, but would then get his weekly dosage at his home hospital in Washington, DC. The NYC hospital had a very large child life playroom. In fact it was cavernous, not unlike a big train station. It truly was cold, impersonal, and frankly no one interacted or communicated with each other. The NYC staff were told by Mattie's care team in Washington, DC that they needed to save packing boxes for Mattie. I think they thought that was one bizarre request, but they did it! Mattie created this big plane out of boxes. The funny part was we actually loaded this big plane into a yellow NYC taxi and brought it back to our hotel room. It never made it back to Washington, DC, but for the time we were in NYC, Mattie loved that plane.

Quote of the day: Dogs leave paw prints on our hearts. ~ Pam Brown

Today is Day 8 that Sunny is no longer part of my life. How I miss that loving boy! This photo was taken in September 2018. We took Sunny to the DC Aquatic Gardens. A place we loved taking Mattie to, and in my opinion it is one of the best kept secrets in Washington, DC. A little slice of paradise! Filled with wildlife and amazing lotuses, irises and water lilies. Sunny was always up for an adventure. He loved walking, exploring, and most of all being with his family. It is true, I may have rescued Sunny from South Carolina, but Sunny was the one who rescued us. He enabled us to love life again, to re-invest in the world, and to allow happiness into our home. 

On this portion of the kitchen counter, for the last two years, was occupied by bins. The bins were filled to capacity with all sorts of medications for Sunny. I donated these medications yesterday to the Hope Center and once I cleaned off the counter, I placed this little shell dish that Peter gave me for birthday (2023) in the empty space. Each acorn in the dish was collected from my many walks with Sunny in September and October 2023. So seeing these acorns remind me of Mattie and Sunny. Amongst the acorns are two trinkets.... one is a sunflower and the other is a butterfly. Both very symbolic to me, as the sunflower will always represent Team Mattie and the butterfly reminds me of Mattie's beautiful life. Now when I see both of these special symbols, I will think of Mattie and Sunny. It is my greatest hope that Mattie has officially met Sunny in heaven. 

After I got my dad up, showered, dressed, and had breakfast, I took him to his memory care center. After which I did grocery shopping because I knew snow was predicted for Friday, and I suspected that my dad's memory care center would be closed (unfortunately I am correct!). Once I got home, put away the groceries and folded the laundry, I made insurance calls for my mom. I listened to her on the phone the other day, and I could tell she couldn't logically present her case and the person on the phone wasn't following her. So today, I spent an hour working out her dental claim and other issues.

At noon, we got in the car and I drove to the city for my urology appointment. Keep in mind that the last time I went to this practice was in 2021. Since my parents moved in, I haven't been keeping up with this specialist and my bladder care. Given that I have been struggling with urinary tract infection symptoms for a week, I knew I had to get this addressed. My mom insisted on coming with me and I drew the line when I went back for my exam. I wanted privacy and she waited for me in the waiting area. 

I wasn't sure how the office staff was going to deal with me. Why? Well first I hadn't been to the office for regular check ups and second, I got my physician friends to prescribe me antibiotics. Which of course makes the urology practice's job more difficult in determining what is wrong with me. I explained to the practice that I am dealing with inordinate amounts of stress, which I believe triggered my illness. When I told them about caregiving full time, being separated from 35 year relationship with my husband, and Sunny dying, they immediately got it. In fact I would say every woman I interfaced with today was human, kind, and tried to help me. I went in ready to do battle and advocate for myself, but it wasn't necessary. 

Despite the kindness, I still had to endure an internal exam, which wasn't pleasant on a good day, and even worse when not feeling well. By the time this ten minute nightmare was over, I did not know if I could walk, stand, or drive the car. Of course that wasn't an option, and I pushed through the pain. Since I have been on two different antibiotics in the last week, they prescribed me a powder antibiotic called Fosfomycin. I have never taken it before. Basically it is a powder that has to be mixed with a 1/2 cup of water, and consumed immediately. When I first took the powder out of the package, it had a bad smell. I wasn't sure I could swallow it, but in water, it had an orange flavor and was no problem. This ONE time dosage cost $84! Given that, all I can say is it better work. 

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was home between cancer treatments and that day he received a gift in this Styrofoam  container. As you can see, Mattie took the Styrofoam and put tape around it and transformed it into a bicycle helmet. The beauty of Mattie. How I wish Mattie were alive today, because I have a feeling he would be an incredible support and ally.

Quote of the day: There’s such beauty in the hard honesty of that, in accepting and giving love while always aware it comes with an unbearable price. Maybe loving dogs is a way we do penance for all the other illusions we allow ourselves and for the mistakes we make because of those illusions. ~ Dean Koontz

This morning, after getting my dad up, ready, and to his memory care center, I then drove to Sunny's oncology practice. I donated five bags of things.... food, treats, and medication. Removing these items from the house really did not seem disrespectful, as these things do not define Sunny. In fact, on the kitchen counter, I had three bins full of medication. Where those bins used to sit, I put a little display of acorns and two charms... a sunflower and a butterfly. I will have to take a photo of that. 

I was out several times today and I worried I would miss the UPS man. I knew Sunny's ashes were going to be delivered today, and I was required to be home and to sign for them. But it was meant to be!

At around 4pm, I saw his truck pull up. I got my coat on and met him half way up the driveway. He was a lovely man and he began to comment on my neighbor's construction chaos in our cul de sac. NOT a topic you want to discuss with me. He told me that every time he comes down our street our circle is a hot mess. I told him, he should try living here. In any case, I was deeply touched that such a kind and sensitive man delivered my Sunny's ashes. 

Sunny's ashes were beautifully and carefully shipped and packed. It came with this certificate of cremation from Agape Pet Services. When I saw the word Agape, I immediately was taken back to graduate school. Agape is a Greek work describing a form of LOVE. Agape love, which is most often crowned as the highest form of Christian love, is the kind of love and action that shows empathy; extends the desire for good of the beloved; wants the best; extends help or demonstrates good intentions; and is intended for everyone. Seems like a very fitting name for this end of life pet service. 

This evening, I started setting up this special place in my office! My Sunny corner. You can see the beautiful wooden box filled with Sunny's ashes. On the box is a plaque that reads... 

Sunny Brown

Forever our Sunman

2011-2024

I will be working on a glass photo display of Sunny and will build upon this area over time. But I am very grateful for friends sending me cards and this beautiful angel. 

This evening, I had my weekly counseling session. I canceled last week's because of Sunny's death. We had a lot to catch up on and there are times she and I do not see eye to eye. However, I have no problem expressing myself, getting my points across and describing how I am feeling and my outlook on life. My outlook on life is non-existent at the moment. I am quite sure if my parents weren't alive, she would probably be extremely worried about me. But for now, they need me, and therefore I go on. 

Tuesday, January 16, 2024

Tuesday, January 16, 2024 -- Mattie died 746 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was invited to his friend's birthday party. Naturally Mattie looked and acted differently from the other children, but he tried hard to blend in. In addition, I remember he was asserting his independence and did not want me hovering or helping. Nonetheless, I was never far away given that Mattie had broviac catheters attached to his chest and he was unable to walk. I also knew that parties and events that involved healthy children were also emotionally taxing for Mattie. Though he was six years old, he absorbed and felt a lot and was well aware that other children were staring at him and at times afraid of him because of how he looked. 

Quote of the day: Dogs…do not ruin their sleep worrying about how to keep the objects they have, and to obtain the objects they have not. There is nothing of value they have to bequeath except their love and their faith. ~ Eugene O'Neill

I had a hard time getting up this morning. When I finally did, I looked out the window and saw everything covered in snow. Though I think snow is pretty, what snow symbolizes to me is.... being trapped. It is harder to get my parents outside, my dad's memory care center was closed, and snow further limits my life. However, the one blessing was my neighbor came over and he hand shoveled our walkways and driveway. What a beautiful Samaritan, because I couldn't take this on myself. My plate is full, especially when I am not feeling well. 

After I showered, I started making phone calls. I wanted to secure an appointment with my urologist and my kidney stone doctor. I called the urology office first and spoke to a fellow. The earliest appointment he could get me was next week. He then spouted off some sort of policy to me about what issues and problems the doctors in the office deem an emergency. Needless to say a urinary tract infection wasn't top on their list. I literally gave it to him, and I said that who ever made that policy has never had to live with UTI pain, including him. Needless to say I kept the Monday appointment, but wasn't happy. 

I also wrote an email diatribe directly to my physician. Since my parents moved here, I haven't seen my physician. I used to see this doctor every six months because of my extensive bladder issues. So true, I haven't been taking care of myself. Today, I put myself and my health issues first. Later in the morning, I got a call back from the urology office manager, because my physician told him to call me. He got me an appointment for Thursday. Before hanging up with him, I told him about my prior experience with his staff person this morning, who basically dismissed my pain. He apologized, said he would talk to the staff, because if a patient presents with pain, the patient needs to always be referred over to the nursing staff. Which of course did not happen on my first phone call. All I know is Mattie's cancer journey taught me that the only way you get the care you need is you have to be assertive and at times aggressive. 

Despite the snow and slippery conditions, I drove myself to the hospital in the city to get a KUB (kidney, ureter, and bladder) x-ray. I take one of these x-rays each year to monitor my kidney stones. In any case, I made sure the order was in the system, and then decided this was the perfect day to go to the hospital, as most people will be staying home and not coming out in the snow. I was correct. Parking at Mattie's hospital was super easy and I had little to no wait time in radiology. Another blessing. Hopefully I will get these results soon, so that I can rule out a kidney stone causing my current pain. I want to be armed with this information before Thursday's doctor visit. 

On my way to radiology today, I always walk through the children's art gallery in the hospital! Mattie's story and my collage in blue are still on display (side by side). We are talking 15 years on display. I can't tell you how much this means to me. It is as if Mattie's legacy is alive and well at MedStar Georgetown. 

I received this beautiful angel with a pooch from my friend Heidi and cards from my friends Jean and Helen. I should be receiving Sunny's ashes in the mail this week, and I plan on putting together a Sunny corner in my office. These cards and angel will be placed in that corner and I will eventually make a photo collage of the Sunman. I just can't believe that tomorrow will mark the first week without Sunny in my life. How he is missed!

This evening I went out to bring the garbage to the curb for pick up (hopefully tomorrow). While walking down the driveway, I slipped on the ice and went flying. I fell on my back side and hand. Given that I already injured myself in September carrying something heavy and developed sciatica (which I still have), I really did not need this fall tonight. Mind you my neighbor's construction workers were in the cul de sac and saw me flying and falling. Do you think they came over or even asked if I was okay? Of course not. 

This is a photo of the pastry my mom and shared tonight. My friend Junko gave me several pastries to enjoy, and we literally have worked our way through each and every one. 

Monday, January 15, 2024

Monday, January 15, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006. Mattie was three and half years old. As you can see he was sitting on a rocking duck. This duck belonged to Peter as a child and I believe it was purchased in Holland when his parents were living there. This duck has migrated through the homes of Mattie's cousins and then finally to Mattie. Currently the duck sits in my office and whenever I see it, I think of these moments in time. 

Quote of the day: Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France

Today is day five without my Sunman. Look at that face! This photo was taken in September of 2017, right after Sunny passed his Good Citizenship test. Sunny and I went through many obedience classes and it culminated with a test. We had to perform several commands in front of the group and get judged! I can't tell you how nervous I was. But Sunny never disappointed. He was the king in the class and thankfully Sunny was very compliant especially when treats were involved. My biggest fear was the part of the test where I had to walk away from Sunny, walk close to ten feet away, and command him to STAY! Once he waited, then I had to call his name loudly for him to come back to me immediately. I can't tell you how many times we practiced this before the test! On test day, Sunny passed with flying colors. Both of us were smiling. 

My goal was to train Sunny to be a therapy dog. Unfortunately life with my parents got away from me (as this was the start of my frequent trips to Los Angeles to help them) and I never completed the extensive training process. I have NO DOUBT Sunny would have made many people happy, as I know he did this for me. 

It began snowing early today. Not what I wanted to see. Because of the snow, my dad's memory care center is closed again tomorrow. 

I reached out to my neighbors yesterday who have a snow blower, as there is no way I can manage this myself. On top of that, I still am not feeling well, and am passing blood. Which means I either have a kidney stone or a urinary tract infection. Snow, my parents in tow, and feeling miserable is like the perfect storm for me. 

A photo of today's pastry highlight. 

Sunday, January 14, 2024

Sunday, January 14, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006. Mattie was four and half years old. That day we did a special project in Mattie's preschool class. I baked two gingerbread houses from scratch, made royal icing, and brought in all sorts of candies for the children to decorate the houses. This was a priceless activity. The kids were thrilled and one child couldn't get over that the royal icing, which looked like glue, was edible! Mattie was able to bring home the final products. I am so glad I volunteered to do this activity and got to see Mattie interacting with his classmates and to have created these memories. 

Quote of the day: Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. ~ Mark Twain

Me with my buddy in September of 2018. Sunny loved going on walks and adventures. That day we took him to Great Falls in Virginia. In fact, we walked there many times especially during COVID (before parks were shut down). Sunny was graceful, surefooted, and navigated and traveled over rocks and hills with such great ease. Honestly he made walks far more fun, engaging, and happy. Since Sunny died, the notion of going out for a walk is just sickening. 

When we first got Sunny, at age 5, he was FULL of energy. Because he was a herding dog, he needed tasks and responsibilities. So I learned early on that Sunny needed several walks a day, one of which was several miles long. Sunny was all about scanning, observing, sniffing, and tracking down and chasing rats and squirrels in the city, and fox and deer in the suburbs!

This morning I slept in until 7:30am. That may have been my latest morning wake up in over two years. I just couldn't move. I am dealing with so much grief, loss, and trauma, that it has worn me out to the core. 

After getting my parents settled this morning, I started piling up Sunny's medications and bagging them. I will be taking them back to the Hope Center, along with four bags of donated doggie items. Since Sunny was given five different chemos and other toxic medications, I just did not know how to safely dispose of them. Fortunately the vet has agreed to accept all of these items for us. 

Sunny was diagnosed with cancer in March of 2022. In this two year time frame he was on the following Chemos:

• Palladia (10mg)
• Lapatinib (350mg)
• Lomustine (3mg)
• Toceranib (60mg)
• Melphalan (1.4mg)

What I do know is Indie seems to want to fill the void that Sunny has left. Of course she can't in my book, but she is much more demanding, clingy, and now when we come home, she is right by the door meowing her head off at us. This is something she never did when Sunny was alive. As she knew this was Sunny's role and that I always addressed Sunny's issues and needs first. 

When Mattie died in 2009, I observed the impact of his death on both our cat, Patches, and our neighbor's dog, JJ. JJ would literally come to our townhouse door every afternoon and sit on the rug. He also took a sandal of Mattie's and slept with it in his crate. JJ's owner told me that he did not eat for days and looked depressed. Likewise, Patches, our cat, spent months in Mattie's room after he died and would sleep right on top of his pillow. Something she NEVER did when Mattie was alive. Patches and JJ prepared me for what I may see now in Indie. Our furry friends are indeed perceptive, sensitive, and they have an innate sense of loss and its impact.