Mattie Miracle 15th Anniversary Video

Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation Promotional Video

Thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive!

Dear Mattie Blog Readers,

It means a great deal to us that you take the time to write to us and to share your thoughts, feelings, and reflections on Mattie's battle and death. Your messages are very meaningful to us and help support us through very challenging times. To you we are forever grateful. As my readers know, I promised to write the blog for a year after Mattie's death, which would mean that I could technically stop writing on September 9, 2010. However, at the moment, I feel like our journey with grief still needs to be processed and fortunately I have a willing support network still committed to reading. Therefore, the blog continues on. If I should find the need to stop writing, I assure you I will give you advanced notice. In the mean time, thank you for reading, thank you for having the courage to share this journey with us, and most importantly thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive.


As Mattie would say, Ooga Booga (meaning, I LOVE YOU)! Vicki and Peter



The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation celebrates its 7th anniversary!

The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation was created in the honor of Mattie.

We are a 501(c)(3) Public Charity. We are dedicated to increasing childhood cancer awareness, education, advocacy, research and psychosocial support services to children, their families and medical personnel. Children and their families will be supported throughout the cancer treatment journey, to ensure access to quality psychosocial and mental health care, and to enable children to cope with cancer so they can lead happy and productive lives. Please visit the website at: www.mattiemiracle.com and take some time to explore the site.

We have only gotten this far because of people like yourself, who have supported us through thick and thin. So thank you for your continued support and caring, and remember:

.... Let's Make the Miracle Happen and Stomp Out Childhood Cancer!

A Remembrance Video of Mattie

April 8, 2023

Saturday, April 8, 2023

Saturday, April 8, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. That day we were hosting Mattie's 6th birthday party at a bowling alley. Mattie requested to have a bowling party and we invited his entire kindergarten class and several preschool friends. It never dawned on me that parents would drop off their children, and not stay. I hadn't planned for that! But I was thankful that our preschool friends' moms stayed and together they helped us with around 15 children. Ironically at the party, Mattie developed a high fever. You can see he wasn't himself in this photo. Once we got home that day, Mattie napped on the couch for the rest of the day, which meant that he was quite sick. It is hard to believe that three months later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 


Quote of the day: There are words like ‘orphan’, ‘widow’ and ‘widower’ in all languages. But there is no word in any language to describe a parent who loses a child. How does one describe the pain of ‘ultimate bereavement?' ~ Neena Verma


All day today I have felt like the walking wounded. You know the feeling where you just want to put your head down and rest? Unfortunately I may have felt that way, but there was no break in sight. My dad's physical therapist came this morning and while she was here, Peter and I walked over to our neighbor's house and delivered a big Easter basket filled with candy for four children. Of course if I go next door, my six year old friend wants to play. So today I learned to play Uno, a card game for children. 

Have I ever played this game before? I have no idea! I would say not, since Mattie was like me, we both were not into card games and games in general. Not sure why, but there you have it. Any case, our neighbors have taught me 5 Crowns and now Uno. So I am on a roll. 

Tomorrow morning, Peter leaves for Seattle. He officially starts his job on Monday and is going to the company's headquarters for trainings and meetings. We are all very proud of Peter. My dad of course is VERY fixated on Peter leaving and my joke with my dad today was that I was going to pack a bag for him so he could join Peter on his trip. Or I told him better yet, when Peter comes back I will leave all of them alone for two weeks, while I take a break. I am joking, because there is no way Vicki is going to get a break, but I am trying to make a point to my dad. STOP being fixated on Peter, and if he was more clued in he would be concerned about my health and welfare. After all I am the primary caregiver and meet his every need. Despite that fact, my dad remains focused on Peter.

I received a card in the mail from my friend Nancy today! Look at this beautiful stamp! I almost forgot that Peter and I created these stamps in 2010! When Mattie was diagnosed in 2008, our catch phrase was "stomp out osteosarcoma" or just "stomp it out." Of course the sun on the stamp is Mattie's "Mr. Sun" creation that he painted with his art teacher in 2008! It was from this sun painting that the logo for Mattie Miracle was created. 












But why use the term 'STOMP?' It all started back in August of 2008, when we tried to help Mattie visualize and understand bone cancer. Since cancer is a hard concept, I decided to use something Mattie could relate to.... bugs. So his art therapists crafted a bug out of clay. We explained to Mattie that he had "bone bugs" inside his bones and the way to get rid of them was to use medication called chemotherapy. To help him understand what chemotherapy would do, we placed the clay bug on the floor and had Mattie stomp on it. In essence stomp it out, to hopefully cure his bone cancer. Mattie loved this analogy and definitely understood that even if he liked bugs, he did not want them inside his bones. So Mattie bought into the treatment process early, which was our goal, as he felt it was important to provide developmentally appropriate information to Mattie throughout his journey. 
 
We took my parents out to dinner tonight and look what I got for dessert. A coconut bunny cupcake! I am a big coconut fan. 


April 7, 2023

Friday, April 7, 2023

Friday, April 7, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. Mattie was 5 years old. That day, we were celebrating his birthday at the National Zoo with all of his classmates. I will never forget this day because it wasn't just raining, it was torrential rain. I thought the party was going to be a disaster. I contacted all the moms that morning and told them that the party was still on (because the zoo had a rain or shine policy on parties) and that the kids should bring umbrellas and rain coats. You should have seen our group walking around the zoo with a guide in that weather! Ironically the kids had a ball and all the animals were out frolicking in the rain. What could have been a horrible party, turned out to be a great adventure. 


Quote of the day: Every morning I wake up to perform my one and only character. A Rising Phoenix in spite of it all.Michele Bell


Another crazy day for me. I drove back and forth to Virginia Hospital Center twice today! I had a 9:15am blood test for my physical next week. That may not sound bad, but trust me in order to get out of the house at 8:30am to drive to the hospital, I have to first get myself ready, make breakfast, make my parent's bed, clean up after my dad in the bathroom, get my dad washed, dressed, and downstairs for breakfast, and then start a load of laundry. Truly by 8:30am, I felt like I ran a marathon and couldn't eat anything either before the test. 

After the blood work, I came home and did more chores, and then got my mom into the car and drove her to the hospital for her physical therapy session. So understand that's a 35 minute drive to the hospital and 35 minute drive home. I did that twice today. Once therapy was over, I got back home, took my dad to the bathroom and then loaded them both in the car and took them out to eat. Which is another 35 minute drive each way! If you have been calculating here, that is a total of 210 minutes or 3.5 hours of driving today alone.

On another note, it has come to my attention this week that not every Christian person likes Easter bunnies and Easter eggs representing the holy holiday of Easter. Similar to the debate about the commercialism of Christmas (with Santa). As these fun and iconic symbols take away from the spiritual and religious nature of the holidays. I can certainly understand how someone may feel this way, but I also know that I grew up with Easter eggs and bunnies, and to me that did not take away in any way the religious meaning of the holiday. In fact, I do think that bunnies and eggs are the perfect symbols for rebirth or resurrection. So after hearing about this egg and bunny debate, I decided to understand more about the origins of the Easter bunny, eggs, and candy!

I turned to the History Channel and found this article. So where did the Easter bunny come from? The Bible makes no mention of a long-eared, short-tailed creature who delivers decorated eggs to well-behaved children on Easter Sunday; nevertheless, the Easter bunny has become a prominent symbol of Christianity’s most important holiday. The exact origins of this mythical mammal are unclear, but rabbits, known to be prolific procreators, are an ancient symbol of fertility and new life.

(the photo captures some of the Easter gifts I put together for the amazing restaurant servers in our life!)

According to some sources, the Easter bunny first arrived in America in the 1700s with German immigrants who settled in Pennsylvania and transported their tradition of an egg-laying hare called “Osterhase” or “Oschter Haws.” Their children made nests in which this creature could lay its colored eggs. Eventually, the custom spread across the United States and the fabled rabbit’s Easter morning deliveries expanded to include chocolate and other types of candy and gifts, while decorated baskets replaced nests. Additionally, children often left out carrots for the bunny in case he got hungry from all his hopping.

(the photo illustrates the Easter eggs my mom and I colored together)

Easter is a religious holiday, but some of its customs, such as Easter eggs, are likely linked to pagan traditions. The egg, an ancient symbol of new life, has been associated with pagan festivals celebrating spring. From a Christian perspective, Easter eggs are said to represent Jesus’ emergence from the tomb and resurrection. Decorating eggs for Easter is a tradition that dates back to at least the 13th century, according to some sources. One explanation for this custom is that eggs were formerly a forbidden food during Lent, so people would paint and decorate them to mark the end of the period of penance and fasting, then eat them on Easter as a celebration.

Easter is the second best-selling candy holiday in America after Halloween. Among the most popular sweet treats associated with this day are chocolate eggs, which date back to early 19th-century Europe. Eggs have long been associated with Easter as a symbol of new life and Jesus’ resurrection. Another egg-shaped candy, the jelly bean, became associated with Easter in the 1930s (although the jelly bean’s origins reportedly date all the way back to a Biblical-era concoction called a Turkish Delight). 

According to the National Confectioners Association, over 16 billion jelly beans are made in the United States each year for Easter, enough to fill a giant egg measuring 89 feet high and 60 feet wide. For the past decade, the top-selling non-chocolate Easter candy has been the marshmallow Peep, a sugary, pastel-colored confection. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania-based candy manufacturer Just Born (founded by Russian immigrant Sam Born in 1923) began selling Peeps in the 1950s. The original Peeps were handmade, marshmallow-flavored yellow chicks, but other shapes and flavors were later introduced, including chocolate mousse bunnies.

April 6, 2023

Thursday, April 6, 2023

Thursday, April 6, 2023 

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was celebrating his fourth birthday. That was the first year we did not host a party at home. Instead, we chose Riverbend Nature Center. The kids had a wonderful time going on a nature walk with a naturalist, doing a dig in the sandbox for plastic dinosaurs, and having a meet and greet with various animals like turtles and snakes. Peter snapped this photo of us as I was encouraging Mattie to blow out the candles. 





Quote of the day: We do not "get over" a death. We learn to carry the grief and integrate the loss in our lives. In our hearts, we carry those who have died. We grieve and we love. We remember. ~ Nathalie Himmelrich


The past two days it has been over 80 degrees in Northern Virginia. The humidity is back in full force and it feels more like summer than spring. But I have refused to turn on the air conditioning. Instead, I had the windows open. However, when I woke up this morning, I literally felt like I couldn't move and could pass out from the heat. Thankfully Peter insisted on turning on the air conditioning and within ten minutes I felt like I could get myself together to face another day. 

My lifetime friend Karen jokes with me. She says I should record what I do in any given day, probably because my schedule is impossible on a good day. Yet I have done this day in and day out since November of 2021! I admit there are times that I am so overwhelmed and tired, that I get snappy. As I would love to be able to take a break, go on a trip, or even have a conversation with someone without worrying about bathroom runs and other needs!

It was another day of chaos here. We had the plumber, the exterminator, the landscaper, and my dad's physical therapist here. All at the same time, naturally. How I think I can get anything done, is a riot, and you think by now I would accept this fact. But I am persistent and while all of these people were here, I was sending emails to companies, asking for sponsorships for the Walk. Asking for money is not something I was trained to do and it doesn't come naturally to me. However, I had to move passed my comfort zone in order to raise money for our cause. I have learned so much about non-profit work and myself over these last 14 years. Of course my driving force is and will always be Mattie. So not unlike an aggressive mom caring and protecting her small child, I provide the same level of focus, attention, and thoughtful advocacy toward Mattie's Foundation, my second baby!

Peter snapped some beautiful photos today! This is Sunny at daybreak!
The sun rising in our backyard. 
We have a cherry tree in our front yard. I have a love hate relationship with it. I think they are stunning and glorious while flowering on the tree, but as the blossoms start falling, it is like pink dirty snow everywhere. These pink flowers stick on shoes and we drag them all over the house. 


April 5, 2023

Wednesday, April 5, 2023

Wednesday, April 5, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. We were celebrating Mattie's third birthday! That year, the party theme was Blue's Clues. It was quite the party because I had a student of mine come perform a magic show and then we hosted a Blue's Clues game for the kids to play. By Mattie's third birthday, he was fully on board with the fun and excitement that comes with a party. 


Quote of the day: The death of a child is like a stone cast into the stillness of a pond; the ripples are endless. ~ Rachel Yoder


One of the things I haven't mentioned is that our next door neighbor is having a lot of work done on her house. This brings a great deal of activity and chaos to our cul de sac. Some days it is down right hilarious how many cars and trucks can fit in one tight space. Fortunately I am used to living in the city, where noise was plentiful! So truly the chaos is noteworthy but not enough to make me uneasy. It also helps that our neighbor is lovely, her son visits me regularly, and she takes an interest in Mattie and Mattie Miracle. 

Or perhaps I have enough chaos inside my home that outside doesn't seem as bad. But to add to my neighbor's activity, we had window cleaners here this morning starting at 8:30am. Since the house has so many windows, when they are dirty, things can look depressing. It is amazing how clean windows can change one's whole outlook and perspective. This husband and wife team were so great, that they even came inside and cleaned some of our bigger windows for no additional charge. The couple is committed to doing a great job and their attention to detail was outstanding.  

Mattie's favorite nurse, Tricia, sent me this photo last night on his birthday. Tricia also thinks of Mattie every time she sees a big Mattie Moon! 

I was recalling a Mattie moment with Tricia yesterday. Mattie was in the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU) of the hospital. On that occasion, Mattie was outside his room in the PICU hallway and saw Tricia on the other side of the unit. Mattie let out with a big scream and said 'TRICIA!' Tricia came running because she thought Mattie was in pain or needed medical attention. When Tricia came over and asked Mattie what was wrong, his response was, "I wanted to tell you I LOVE you!" It was such an unplanned, unexpected, and natural moment, that neither of us will ever forget it. 
I am rarely on Facebook anymore. I am still interested in what my friends are doing, but frankly given all I am juggling, I find that I can't even return emails, much less spend time on Facebook. So many people do not know that I am a full-time caregiver once again, and I am sure many just think I have either forgotten about them or don't care. Neither of which is true. 

When I went onto Facebook yesterday to post about Mattie's birthday, I found that a fellow cancer advocate posted this beautiful collage on my page. I absolutely LOVE it and wanted to share it here! 

April 4, 2023

Tuesday, April 4, 2023

Tuesday, April 4, 2023 -- Mattie died 705 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. This was at Mattie's second birthday party. The theme that year was trains, as Mattie was in love with all things locomotive! My parents were in town and my mom snapped this photo of us. We have very few photos of us altogether, which is why this one is special to me. 


Quote of the day: We cannot think our way out of grief. We must feel our way out of grief. ~ Angie Corbett-Kuiper


Last night I debated.... do I visit Mattie's tree today on his 21st birthday or pass this year because of all I am juggling? In the end, I chose to do what I wanted to do, despite having my parents in tow. 

To prepare for today's visit, I wanted to bring some ribbons and ornaments to 
decorate Mattie's tree. But I had none in my Mattie box. However, while searching for ornaments in my box in the basement, look what I found??! Some of you may remember that Mattie's model magic birthday cake has been missing for some time now. I honestly have no idea where it was. Turns out Peter must have moved it when my parents moved in during December of 2021.

I think it was not happenstance that I found this cake the night before Mattie's 21st birthday. It was meant to be. Mattie designed this cake for Peter in the hospital, to celebrate Peter's birthday. It is one of Mattie's legacy items that I cherish and I was upset that it went missing. 

My cut ribbons that I hot glued together at 11pm. 
When we arrived at Mattie's school today, there were kids everywhere. All over the playground. It was a beautiful spring day and kids came up to Peter and asked about the tree and what we were doing. Frankly I was in no mood to entertain them or their questions. 
Mattie's white swamp oak! You may see the spots of orange on the bare tree. I am happy we placed 21 awareness ribbons on it and cleaned the tree up from Christmas time. 
A close up of the ribbons!
One of the ornaments I just love and leave on the tree. It says, Love you to the moon and back! One of my favorite lines I used to say to Mattie. 

In the midst of all of this, my mom and I got into an argument today about my dad's physical therapist. My mom had convinced herself that the therapist was coming on Friday instead of Thursday. She even said that the therapist wrote down the dates indicating when she was coming to work with my dad. Both of these things are not true. The therapist and I keep the schedule and I had confirmed with her on Saturday that she was coming on Thursday. But my mom was so aggressive and hostile about it, I literally text messaged the therapist today to see if I was missing something. Even after confirming I was correct, my mom couldn't accept it and said the therapist was lying to me. I literally lost it and confronted my mom about her memory issues and her manufacturing of information. 

After the tree visit, we took my parents out to lunch. When I returned home our next door neighbor and her children came over and delivered us a handmade card and 21 orange lilies in memory of Mattie. One of my neighbor's children is about Mattie's age and he practically visits me every afternoon when he comes home from school. Apparently he asked his mom about Mattie and it is interesting to see a six year old grappling to understand why a 7 year old could die. I haven't figured it out either, but over the years I have found a way to manage through days like today. I am sure to the average person, I may look unemotional about Mattie's loss, but how I look and how I feel are not always well lined up. 

April 3, 2023

Monday, April 3, 2023

Monday, April 3, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2003. That day we were hosting Mattie's first birthday party! It was a challenging day for Mattie, and thankfully we only had a few family members and close friends in attendance. The theme of the party was Elmo, that cute red furry Sesame Street fellow. Mattie was in LOVE with Elmo. Mattie enjoyed some moments of the party, but for the most part, he and I spent a lot of time upstairs in his bedroom, where it was quieter and calmer. 


Quote of the day: A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. ~ Christopher Reeve


It is the start of a new week, and I feel absolutely exhausted. I literally dragged myself out of bed today and once I was up, I literally asked myself.... do I have the energy for another day of chores, making meals, getting my dad washed and dressed and so forth? Somehow I manage to push through that feeling, but it takes a lot of inner strength to charge forward, especially when each day is much like the one before. 

This is the first year since Mattie died, that I won't be visiting his tree for his birthday tomorrow. Mattie would have been 21 years old on April 4. I personally like traditions and rituals, as it helps manage our long term grief. But with my parents in tow, I honestly don't know if I am coming or going most days. My life revolves around their every need and issue and in the process I have lost track of myself and my own needs. Typically parents are worried about their children's well being, but I think dementia strips that away completely. There is no room in one's head for anything else other than one's own issues. This makes caregiving particularly challenging and what is equally enlightening to me is that my parents do not even care for each other in any way. 

Today was a three ring circus at the house. We had a repair person for the oven and another for the fireplace, and then our neighbor stopped by for help with her computer. Somehow with all of this, I couldn't focus and get anything done. Which is super frustrating for me. But then I try to step back and say..... you are just one person and there is so much I can take on at any one time. I am fed up with this daily routine and I am hoping, once the Foundation's Walk is over, that I can find a way to carve out time to walk again and find a minute for myself. Since November of 2021, I haven't had a free day to myself. It is hard on the human spirit to feel this controlled, to have no freedom, and to be working non-stop. 

April 2, 2023

Sunday, April 2, 2023

Sunday, April 2, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2002. The day Mattie was born! He was due on April 6, but my water broke on April 2, and he clearly knew there was NO time to waste. Mattie was born alert and raring to go! He wasn't a napper and wanted to take in as much of the world that was around him. As if he knew he'd only be with us for 7 years. 


Quote of the day: I find, 'he says, his voice still muffled, 'that I am constantly wondering where he is. Where he has gone. It is like a wheel ceaselessly turning at the back of my mind. Whatever I am doing, wherever I am, I am thinking: Where is he, where is he? He can't have just vanished. He must be somewhere. All I have to do is find him. I look for him everywhere, in every street, in every crowd, in every audience. That's what I am doing, when I look out at them all: I try to find him, or a version of him. ~ Maggie O'Farrell



I did my usual morning routine today, and put my dad in the shower. While he was in there I was buzzing around making the bed, cleaning the toilet, and picking up trash. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see he was trying to stand up from his shower chair. There is ONLY ONE reason why my dad stands in the shower, and that is because he has to have a bowel movement. In the past, I did not move quick enough and it instead it went all over the shower, which I assure you is a huge clean up job for me. Now I keep my dad's hospital bin, which is like a bucket, inside the shower. I do this for moments just like today. As he began to stand, I told him to hand me the bin and thankfully I was able to catch everything! It still wasn't a pretty clean up job, but it so much better than having a mess all over the shower. But this is how my day started. 

After breakfast and the morning routine of brain games and walking with my dad, I got him settled in his recliner and decided to go into the backyard where Peter and Sunny were. I literally had a coat on and was sitting on one of our lounge chairs. I was enjoying this moment, for less than 5 minutes, when I heard my mom screaming. I had no idea what she was yelling about, so I went inside. I came in and found our 6 1/2 year old neighbor visiting to bring us an Easter basket filled with goodies that he and his siblings made. I clearly have a fan. I appreciated the gift and the visit, but having a free moment for me is so fleeting, and I was truly enjoying being outside.

After my little friend left, I got out the dozen eggs I had boiled the other day, and set up the counter to decorate Easter eggs. My mom loves this activity. Prior to my parents moving in with us in 2021, I had NOT done Easter Eggs since Mattie got sick in 2008. Now I feel it is important to decorate so that my parents are reminded of the season and holiday that is approaching. 


Peter snapped this photo of us. 













Our finished products! The two orange eggs have MATTIE's name on them!

While Peter was working in the garden, check out his buddy.... sleeping on the job!

I did not see this beautiful butterfly, but Peter did and sent me this glorious photo! Apparently this is a Polygonia butterfly.  They have conspicuous angular notches on the outer edges of their forewings, which is why their common name is anglewing butterflies.