Friday, October 28, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. As I mentioned in previous postings, that year Mattie was a calico cat, like our cat, Patches. I made this costume originally for Halloween of 2005, but Mattie was hospitalized that year with sepsis. So fortunately we were able to hold onto the costume and use it the following year. Mattie and I designed this costume together. We went to AC Moore and picked out the brown, white, and beige felts (that represent a calico's spots), cut them, and Mattie helped to place them onto his sweat shirt and pants. Mattie also enjoyed watching me transform a black stocking into a cat's tail and my black hairband into cat ears.
Quote of the day: Not all who wander are lost. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien
On this day four years ago, Ann's brother died from cancer. Unlike with Ann's father (who also died in October), I never met Ann's brother. I have only heard about him through pictures and stories. Naturally spending a great deal of time with Mary, we exchange thoughts and feelings often about our sons with each other. I think it is important for you to know the fact that I never met Ann's brother, yet I find despite not knowing him, his death has meaning to me. I am not sure why. Certainly I am human, and as such I can't help but feel deep sadness when someone so young is struck by cancer and dies, and of course I know all too well the ramifications such a death have on those left behind. But I believe Ann's brother's death somehow integrates into my life. Maybe because this all happened only NINE months before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer.
In 2007, Mattie was in kindergarten. Because Ann's daughter and Mattie were in the same kindergarten classroom, we interacted with each other on occasion. We have known each other since 2005, since our children attended the same preschool and she and I sat on the preschool advisory board. But that was the extent of our knowledge of each other. To me our lives really began to intertwine, perhaps unknowingly, during Halloween of 2007. Ann was scheduled to run a party in Mattie's classroom that year. However, she was unable to do this because she was in Boston planning her brother's funeral. I remember finding out about Ann's brother and in the process being assigned Ann's tasks. I distinctly recall a fellow parent handing me all of Ann's Halloween bins with activities and she told me to run with the party. This parent figured because Ann and I knew each other from preschool, I would be familiar with the content in Ann's bins and how she wanted the activities to be presented. However, that couldn't have been further from reality! I most certainly never hosted a party with Ann and I had NO idea what was in the bins. In a way, opening up her bins and seeing what activities she had in mind for the kids to do was enlightening. When I opened the bins, I quickly determined that they reflected who she is as a professional. Ann is an occupational therapist by training and many of her activities provided the kids with opportunities to create and use their fine motor skills. I still recall one activity corner I set up in the room with Ann's materials. It was a bead corner, where the kids could string all sorts of great Halloween beads and make necklaces and bracelets. The fascinating lesson I learned that day was the boys were as equally engaged by the beads as the girls. I parked myself at this station during the party and assisted many children with the beads. I enjoyed watching the process unfold and observed how the kids negotiated and compromised with each other for certain beads.
I may not have known Ann's brother, but it was through his death, that I learned more about Ann. There were other parents who could have been assigned Ann's tasks, so why was I selected? I think some things happen for a reason. On October 28, 2007, the Red Sox won the World Series (A FEAT!), Mattie was healthy, and he was excited for Halloween to approach. This seemed like such a great date, and yet for Ann, it was a date that changed her world forever. Not unlike September 8, 2009 for Peter and I. So as Ann mourns the loss of her brother today, I find that this date for some reason has some sort of significance to me. For it was on this date, I learned that a young person, who I indirectly knew died from cancer, and now of course, with hindsight I also know that only nine months after this awful realization, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. So for me October 28, is a turning point.
As today was the fourth anniversary of Ann's brother's death, I felt compelled to do something to support her in some way. However, having lost Mattie, I realize the complexities of anniversaries. It is hard to know what to do on these days, how to act, what to talk about, and whether you want to allow people into your world and to share your feelings. I know on Mattie's second anniversary this year, Peter and I were all over the map. One minute we wanted company and the next minute we wanted to be alone. So I am more than cognizant of the fears, irrationality, and emotions associated with grief. I could write a book on those internal feelings alone. We feel compelled to help a friend who is grieving, it is only natural. Yet I have found that it is just better to ask a person outright how you can help on an anniversary day, find out whether your company is desired, and if not (which is okay) to respect that. If you find that your friend who is grieving doesn't want your presence around, do not take it personally. Certainly it is natural that you would, but the feelings of wanting to be left alone have nothing to do with you or the importance of your friendship. Nonetheless, reaching out and communicating to someone on an anniversary date I feel is crucial. Grieving is ALWAYS about REMEMBERING. Remembering comes in many forms.......... emails, text messages, phone calls, and remembrance gifts.
This afternoon, I received a phone call while driving from Alison. Alison, as my faithful blog readers may remember, was our Team Mattie Fund coordinator. Alison asked if I wanted to get together for lunch, which I welcomed. Alison has been helping me brainstorm a Foundation activity that I was considering. As I told her today, the last lunch we had together, stimulated my thinking, and forced me to take a long and hard look at one of my goals. Her line of questioning made me seek out answers and do some further investigative work. I realize with Mattie's death, it is sometimes hard to say no to me or my ideas in fear of hurting my feelings. But Alison was brave enough to venture in this direction, and I realize it was because of her I was able to think this through and come back out with a more solid position on the subject matter. A position that will only help the strength of the Foundation.
