Saturday, January 6, 2023

Saturday, January 6, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old and as you can see, he had quite a personality even back then. Mattie was born on! Look at that expression and smile. Mattie loved to be surrounded by his books and toys and especially loved pulling me into his antics. Those were the days and most likely while living them, I didn't realize how lucky I was. 

Quote of the day: The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I found tonight's quote and it practically jumped off the page at me. As I absolutely relate to its sentiments. Today was the kind of day Fitzgerald was talking about. Of course the damp, raw, and rainy weather did not help my mood. I was in such a funk, I did not leave the house today. The notion of schlepping my dad around in the rain was sickening to me. So therefore I elected.... that we were NOT going out. 

While my dad's physical therapist was visiting today, I went to the basement to wrap, pack, and store all the things I took out for Christmas. I have been cleaning up Christmas all week. I have to do it in stages. But today's work was labor intensive as it meant lifting heavy bins and putting them up on shelves. Mind you in September I injured my back and that triggered my sciatic nerve pain. Pain that I still have and it has yet to go away. After several hours of clean up today, I can say that everything is safely tucked away and the house has been de-Christmas'ed. Honestly I can take just so much Christmas, as I learned years ago that the Norman Rockwell image of the holidays was an illusion. 

Adding to my mood was watching Sunny's decline. He refused all food today. I tried fresh fish, freshly cooked pasta, cheese, and all of his favorites. NOTHING went down, including his pills (which I put in duck pate!). I am hoping tomorrow is a better day. 

Friday, January 5, 2023

Friday, January 5, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and his school has having a Holiday Event, in which families were invited to a concert and to tour classrooms. I had to learn quickly that week that Mattie's school required the children to dress up for this event. Within days, I bought him a suit set and this zippered up tie. I will never forget that concert, Mattie's participation and his escorting me around his classroom. I thought I would have many more December's like this with Mattie. Thankfully I did not miss this opportunity in 2007!

Quote of the day: Grief is heightened during the holidays because everything seems like it should be different. You’re in a state of chaos. The world’s in a state of chaos. It makes it more difficult to deal with the loss of someone. ~ Lynn Shattuck

I received this beautiful statement from my good friend Mary Ann. It brought a smile to my face today. It is amazing how one loving comment can transform one's day!

My therapist has invited me to take moments during my day just for me. Moments could mean just about anything. So today, my moments were with Sunny. I spent 20 minutes with him last night and 15 minutes with him today. That may not sound like a lot of time, but we had time to bond over brushing, petting him, and looking into each other's eyes. We used to do a lot to that together, as he has such soulful and beautiful eyes. 

In fact, it was Sunny's eyes that caught my attention back in 2016 on Facebook. A rescue organization was advertising the adoption of Sunny on Facebook, and no one seemed interested in him, other than me! Perhaps it was because he was five years old. I have no idea, but rescuing Sunny was one of the best decisions I have ever made. He is a gentle giant and even though my life now looks so different from when he entered our world, he doesn't skip a beat. He still remains loyal, loving, and always gentle. We humans could learn a thing or two from our animal friends. 

I accomplished a lot today and just when I wonder..... will I be able to do something, I find the inner strength, determination, and courage to forge ahead. I remember back in the day when I was the chair of the DC licensure board for professional counselors, my board attorney would always tell me.... "Dr. Sardi, you missed your calling." Meaning, he felt that I had the mind of a lawyer. I never thought of myself in that manner, but to some extent, I can take in a lot of data, connect the dots, and present a solid case. I am also a logical thinker and when things don't make sense to me, I am like a dog with a bone. I will find the answers, it may take me time, but I never give up if I am passionate about something. 

Out of the blue tonight, I received an email from a former student. She is looking for help and wants a letter of recommendation. But here is the thing. I haven't heard from her in ages. Yet she tells me that she and her cousin (who I also taught) have never forgotten me. That I made a profound impression and impact on their careers. This email was a gift! To know that something I did and said influenced my student's life, is a wow moment for me that I don't take lightly.  

Thursday, January 4, 2023

Thursday, January 4, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie was four years old and we took him to the US Botanical Gardens. To me this was a special place during the holidays! It was during that time the Garden displayed miniature models of our National monuments that were made out of plant materials. As you can see we posed in front of the model of Congress. 

Quote of the day: Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go. ~ Jamie Anderson

While waiting for my dad's physical therapist to arrive this morning, I decided to read him an article in the newspaper. Ironically he asked to look at the paper himself and I gave it to him, and within two seconds, he said he read it all. Which of course wasn't the case. My dad can physically read, but he has NO retention on anything he reads or hears. 

So instead I decided to find an article my dad might find interesting. Low and behold, there was an article about the benefits of wearing socks to bed. It was zany enough to capture his attention. So I read it out loud and paused between paragraphs to give him recaps. 

The article, Can Wearing Socks to Bed Help You Sleep Better? to me is a hoot. Yet that said, I think when I was in my twenties, I did wear socks to bed. Now the notion of something tight on my feet doesn't sound appealing. But have you ever given this any thought? Well we did today and then we continued the conversation when my dad's therapist arrived. Here are the main benefit to wearing socks to bed.... By making your feet warmer, you’re opening up blood vessels to help cool down the rest of the body. Therefore, lowering your core temperature enables us to sleep better. 

It's an interesting theory and better yet, this topic kept my dad engaged, listening to the article, and he even had commentary for me and his therapist. I assure you this is a rarity. Many times my dad looks fogged out and sleepy. It takes great effort on my part to keep him mentally with us to some extent. 

In fact, I spend a good portion of my day with people who have cognitive challenges. It is a wonder how I haven't lost it mentally either. But someone has to be intact and functioning in my house. While the therapist was working with my dad, I ran to the watch repair shop because my dad's watch broke. For him that is a national crisis. Unfortunately it will take two weeks for it to be repaired, and I will have to manage his anxiety over this. From the watch store, I went grocery shopping. Then came home, put groceries away, dealt with laundry and then the fun began. I spent three hours with my mom on paying her quarterly taxes and other bills. When I tell you that was exhausting, that would be putting it mildly. 

All I can say is may tomorrow be a better day!

Wednesday, January 3, 2023

Wednesday, January 3, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie four years old and each Christmas Mattie received a special sweater. I tried to feature Mattie and this sweater or jacket in our family Christmas card. What I particularly love about this photo was Mattie's incredible smile. The happiness was practically jumping off the page at you.

Quote of the day: Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place. ~ Sarah Dessen

It was another full day on the Farm. After last night, I truly am not sure how I put myself back together emotionally and was functional today. I wasn't only functional, I got some Foundation work done, and was able to do this because believe it or not there was an HVAC person over inspecting our furnaces. His presence enabled me to stay in my office and focus on several things. Otherwise, without him, my mom would be circulating around and giving me tasks to do. 

This evening, I went for my weekly counseling session. This therapist and I are having a meeting of the minds. I think she has learned quickly that I have a mind of my own, I am very self directed, and can tolerate a great deal of pressure and stress. She is concerned about me, as are my friends, because there is just so much one person can take. Yet what I liked about what she said tonight was that I need to start small. Meaning I need to carve a minute or more each day just for me. When she framed it like that, I thought.... well that is possible! Sure I would like hours, but hours are not possible for me right now. 

We got into talking about my maternal grandmother, of whom, I believe I am a lot alike, and I also shared with her why the moon and pennies are important to me. When Mattie was in preschool, the school gave Mattie a symbol that started with the first letter of his name. Mattie's symbol was the MOON. So we used to call him 'Mattie Moon.' When Mattie died, it became a natural transition to look up to the MOON and think of Mattie. I mentioned to the therapist that I saw several big Mattie Moon's around Christmas time, and I felt that was a message to me that Mattie continues to walk my journey with me. 

As for pennies, when Mattie was a preschooler, he used to love finding coins. He was like the coin detective. I will never forget taking Mattie to the grocery store and one day Mattie spotted a penny right near the checker's feet. Literally Mattie dove on the floor to collect that penny! Sometimes we would place pennies around the house for Mattie to find. We always told him that the Penny Fairy left these coins for him. He absolutely loved it. To this day, when I see a penny on the street or ground, I think of Mattie and the Penny Fairy. Of course now I deem these coins as direct messages to me from Mattie. 

Tuesday, January 2, 2024

Tuesday, January 2, 2024 -- Mattie died 744 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. We took Mattie to the US Botanical Gardens. This was a holiday tradition we loved to do. There was nothing better than to come into that space on a cold and gray day! Why? Because the atrium area was like walking into a hot house. Almost like a humid summer day in December. To me it was a magical feeling. The Gardens also decorated beautifully for the holidays and did miniaturized National monuments made out of branches and plant material. As you can see, Mattie found this wonderful plant and thought it looked like LONG hair!

Quote of the day: It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~ Collette

This morning I took my parents to the hospital, for my mom's appointment with the rehabilitation medicine physician. We met this doctor when my dad was hospitalized in March of 2022 for a pacemaker. It is thanks to this doctor and his staff, that they admitted my dad into their acute rehab program. As my dad was very debilitated after that surgery. Needless to say, both of my parents became his patient and he sees both of them every four months.

The doctor was lovely today and spends a lot of time talking and answering questions. What he did say was that my parents are looking better physically from when he first met them. Translation, this means..... Vicki is doing an excellent job. I take whatever victories and positive feedback I can get, because I get very little in general. Fortunately I am not the kind of person who needs a lot "that a girl's." If I did, I would be up a creek. 

After the doctor visit, I took my parents out for soup and a sandwich. When I got home, I had work to do and needed the time to focus. Never happens for me. My mom needed help with bills and my dad's health insurer is driving me nuts. They keep double billing my dad and I have spent more time on this issue over the last week than I care to discuss. I helped to pay their insurance premium last week, but the insurer is claiming not to have received it. So I had to stop what I was doing to log into my mom's bank accounts. While I went upstairs to do this, I could hear my mom talking to my dad downstairs. 

Basically she said to my dad two things. One was that she has 'a daughter who brings her no joy' and then the second, which is the most upsetting.... she wished she 'never had any children.' Needless to say, I came downstairs and was besides myself. I told my mom that this was the cruelest and meanest thing I have ever heard. 

In fact, I told her if she really felt that way, that I was going to grant her, her wish. Just like in the movie, A Wonderful Life. I got my jacket on, grabbed my purse, and walked out the front door. I told her now she has no daughter and let's see how tonight goes for her. I literally got in the car and was on the driveway. At which point she jumped in front of the car. So naturally I had to stop. She apologized and I had to take a deep breath. There is no way she can care for herself, much less my dad. Therefore, despite the mean comments, I put them on a shelf somewhere in my brain, and kept on doing what I needed to do. Which was make dinner, feed Sunny and keep the household going. 

I try to picture myself ever saying such a comment to Mattie. I suppose under the right circumstances one can say just about anything. But unfortunately words do hurt and they can have a lasting impact.

Monday, January 1, 2024

Monday, January 1, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. That day, I visited Mattie's kindergarten classroom and read the children the Jan Brett story, The Gingerbread Baby. In addition, I baked homemade gingerbread cookies and brought in frosting and decorations so that every student could design their own gingerbread baby! Needless to say this activity was a hit! Mattie brought his gingerbread baby home and was proudly displaying it for me!

Quote of the day: My life was suddenly divided into BEFORE and AFTER, and there was no going back to BEFORE. But then I realized I had a choice to live the AFTER. I had to decide. ~ Brenda Neal

Years ago, I had the pleasure to be introduced to Cesar and Koseth. They are from Peru and they worked with Peter. I will never forget in July of 2015, Peter and I met up with Cesar and Koseth to tour Arlington Cemetery. It was a very hot and humid day and we could see that Koseth was struggling. It was on that day, that we learned that Koseth was pregnant and they chose us to be their baby's Godparents. I consider this a big honor as a fellow Roman Catholic. Given that we lost Mattie, I was very touched by the fact that this special couple wanted to give us a chance to nurture their child in the world. It is a responsibility and an honor to be trusted with someone's child. I never forget that!

During the holidays we always have Cesar, Koseth, and Charlotte over. Today was our day together. Given how I am feeling emotionally, I never know how things will go. But I would have to say that it was a very meaningful gathering, as we all connected with great conversation, bonded over food and the growth of Charlotte. I started a new tradition today, I took out the tape measure and recorded Charlotte's height. I told her every time she comes here, we will record the changes. She liked that idea. In fact, several times, Charlotte came out to the kitchen to chat and help me. 

Today's menu of:

Piccata Rockfish

Ratatouille

Twice Baked Mashed Potatoes

Roasted asparagus with fresh mint, lemon zest and grated parmesan cheese

Koseth made dessert...Brazo de Reina (translates to the Queen's Arm). This is an incredible rolled dessert filled with dulce de leche. It was very light and tasty! 

My parents, Cesar, Koseth, and Charlotte. Both of my parents were engaged and animated tonight and this is wonderful stimulation for my dad. The Peruvian culture and Italians have a lot in common, such as great respect for parents, grounded in Catholicism, and the beauty of dining and meaningful conversation. 

With me!

Charlotte's gift.... her wish for us!

Sunday, December 31, 2023

Sunday, December 31, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie received many gifts that day..... from Christmas stockings (which he decided to wear), to Christmas themed donuts, and that adorable magnetic Santa that we attached to his wheelchair. I honestly do not know how Mattie managed each and every day, and found moments were he could smile. What I do know was I worked very hard to nurture, protect, and advocate for Mattie each and every day. I gave it my all, and my all unfortunately wasn't good enough. But I do not live with regrets about my choices and I am glad that I devoted my time to mothering Mattie. 

Quote of the day: It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone. ~ John Steinbeck

I took my parents out for a New Year's Eve lunch. Before going out, I decided to marinade rockfish for tomorrow's lunch with friends. Rockfish piccata. 

Also assembled shrimp scampi. I like pre-marinading so that the fish takes on the flavors overnight. 

I was telling Cheryl, our server (who we see every Sunday), what I was cooking tomorrow and she looked shocked. She thought it was incredible and a lot of work. 

Ironically at this point in my life, I need busy work and tomorrow's lunch was a whole lot easier to prep than Christmas dinner. 

While out at lunch today, I was reflecting on New Year's memories with my parents. This photo was taken on a Caribbean cruise in 2019. In fact the photo was taken on December 31, 2019. Little did we know how life was going to change dramatically months later. As we went on the cruise without even knowing that the threat of COVID was imminent. 

The year 2020 is one I will never forget. We all went into COVID lock down and my dad was hospitalized twice (sepsis and then an impacted colon). Those hospitalizations were the beginning of the end for him as he went into the hospital with early stage dementia and by the time he was released (without family visits), he had moderate stage dementia. 

As this is the last day of 2023, all I can say is THANK GOD. It was a nightmare year and I literally threw out the 2023 calendar that I use daily in the trash tonight. I threw it out with wild abandonment, never to hopefully experience such darkness in my life again. I can only hope that 2024 treats me kinder. 

Despite my low mood tonight, I received several donations for Mattie Miracle. Many of them came with kind and loving notes. One note was from Mattie's surgeon who now lives in Atlanta. He wanted me to know that he thinks my family is amazing and he will never forget Mattie the fighter! The feeling is mutual, as I will never forget this physician and his compassion for Mattie and for us. In fact, after he performed surgery, this surgeon brought Mattie a Star Wars toy. To this day, I still have that toy!