Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was four years old and while I was on the deck watering plants and cleaning off the space, Mattie was in tow. Minutes after this photo was taken, Mattie wanted to be sprayed with water. So I complied!
Quote of the day: The difference between friends and pets is that friends we allow into our company, pets we allow into our solitude. ~ Robert Brault
Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was four years old. That day I took him to the Reston Zoo. It was one of our favorite places to visit together. It was a small zoo, had lots of hands on activities, and it usually wasn't crowded. Mattie absolutely loved feeding the goats and sheep! I of course loved all the adventures.
Quote of the day: One often calms one's grief by recounting it. ~ Pierre Corneille
Despite reminding my mom numerous times about her physical therapy session at 10am, I could tell she wasn't processing what I was saying. Before taking my dad to his memory care center, I decided I better go back upstairs and make sure she knew her appointment was going to start in twenty minutes. Luckily I went upstairs, because she was dressed in pajamas and had no recollection about the appointment. My mom needs a lot of assistance with logistics, most tasks, and she prefers to hold onto me when walking. Yet if you ask her, she will say she is self sufficient and has many interests. Unfortunately she is stuck in 2018, pre-COVID, when she was more independent. She laments about leaving California, but in all reality, her existence since 2020, looks pretty much the same as it does now. In other words, very different from her former life. So it is a total lack of insight, which makes her dangerous.
My mom and I met up with my friend Junko at lunch time. I met Junko in 2007. Our sons were enrolled in the same summer camp. Mattie "graduated" from his preschool and he was accepted into a different school to start kindergarten. Mattie was like me, we both dislike change. Leaving behind his preschool, was scary to Mattie. In order to help him transition, I enrolled Mattie in the summer camp organized by his new school. I figured Mattie would meet some classmates before the school year started.
Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That day we took him to the National Arboretum. It was one of my favorite places to visit in the month of April. Mainly because they have thousands of azaleas all in bloom. It truly is an unforgettable sight, especially coming off of winter. As most of Mattie's friends are graduating from college this spring, for me, life stopped when Mattie died at age 7. No matter how much time goes by, life for me is forever 7. I have no doubt if Mattie were alive today, he would be my greatest ally.
Quote of the day: Love is love, I told her, as I tell all of my patients who are ashamed to find themselves shattered by the death of a dog. Loss is loss. ~ Meg Donohue
My day started at 6am. I got up early to manage all my morning chores, before the HVAC team arrived at 8:30am. When I tell you I literally had to drag myself out of bed, I am not kidding. I was told to prepare for a furnace install to take 6-8 hours. The two guys were efficient, professional, and literally within three hours that installed the unit and the condenser outside. Because strangers in the house upsets Indie, the cat, I moved her food and liter box to one of the bedrooms on our second floor. I think she was grateful!
While the furnace was being installed, I decided to go grocery shopping while my dad's physical therapist was here. It is a chore I prefer to do mid-week when most people are at work or school. For the most part I dislike crowds and in my hyper alert stage, I need to keep moving.
Later in the afternoon, I took my parents to Starbucks. Truthfully this is about the only place we can go to, because my mom and I are devastated and it is comforting to know all the people working at the store and at the same time, NOT have to talk to anyone. I have little to no interest in engaging in conversation. It is too taxing and it neither helps my head, heart, or spirit. Naturally whenever my dad is in tow, there is no peace. I landed up taking him to the bathroom twice at Starbucks. I assure you IBS and dementia are a diabolical combination. My parents are lucky I have a strong constitution, because after one of my dad's bathroom routines, most people would be sworn off of food for good.
When we got back home, I settled my parents down. They napped for several hours, and I went out to our front yard. I weeded for over an hour and filled up a half of a large garbage bin. The one thing this house is never short on and that's weeds. Thankfully I find it therapeutic to pull out weeds. After yard work, I made dinner. Our meals are typically filled with laments or commentary from my mom and my dad jumping up to the bathroom. I haven't ate a meal in peace for almost three years.
In order to attend this conference, I flew out to Los Angeles and I left Mattie with my parents. I then continued on to Hawaii and I think I was there for about four days. I traveled there alone and I frankly will never forget that moment in time. I was on my way to be elected the President of the American Mental Health Counselors Association. With this big position, a lot of leadership was interested in getting to know me and to interact with me. I recall going out to many wonderful dinners with leaders and at that moment in time, I thought my life was headed in a particular direction. Little did I know that only a few years later, Mattie would get diagnosed with cancer. I NEVER was able to serve my role as president of that organization and my future career and interests changed overnight. Never to be seen again. Going to Hawaii was a happy and exciting time and if someone would have told me that my destination was to have Mattie die in my arms and then 15 years after that have my husband leave me, I would NOT have believed it for one minute. If only I could turn the hands of time back to that moment in Hawaii.
Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was celebrating his second birthday that day! The theme that year was trains! Take a look at Mattie's hands! One had a hot wheel car in it and the other his sippy cup of milk. These things were like his security blanket. Though this party was years ago, I recall the feelings and the day like it were yesterday.
Quote of the day: The loss is immeasurable but so is the love left behind. ~ Anonymous
This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I went back home and then drove my mom to the hospital for her pulmonology appointment. My mom has many long standing lung issues, that she is monitored for every six months. The doctor today thought she was doing very well. In comparison to Winter 2023, Winter 2024 was a lot better for my mom. Last winter, my mom developed a lung infection and was on antibiotics for thirty days, and literally had little or no energy to do anything. Of course what the doctor isn't aware of, is my role in my mom's daily existence. He may not acknowledge that it is me keeping her healthy, but I don't need his validation.
Toward the end of the appointment, the doctor asked what we were doing for the summer. He wanted to know if we were going anywhere! I literally wanted to say.... are you kidding? But instead, I just answered that it is hard to travel given my dad's condition. The doctor has no idea that my life is a train wreck or the daily struggles that I face. Nor does he know that I haven't had a day off since my parents moved into my home in December of 2021. Imagine NOT ONE day of a break! I truly think the average person would have lost it by now. Caregiving is hard enough, but I am caregiving under the most difficult of circumstances. I truly do not know how one recovers from the catastrophic loss I am living with.
Some days, I am sad. Some days I am angry and other days I am indifferent. On another note, tomorrow is going to a challenging day, as I have both of my parents at home and a team of people coming to install a new furnace. They were supposed to come on Saturday, but I received a call this evening, saying they could come on Thursday instead. I want to get it over with, but when I say there is no peace, no down time, I am not kidding. As my therapist says.... I live in constant hyper alert mode, which I know will have long term ramifications on my health. In so many ways, I am a walking case study on loss, grief, and trauma.
Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was two years old and that day I took him the Reston Zoo. I absolutely loved this Zoo, because it was small, very hands on, and designed for the younger kids. Mattie was fascinated by all the animals and enjoyed walking and running around, feeding the goats, the pony rides, and the wagon ride into the fields to see more of the farm animals. Life with Mattie was just that.... full of LIFE! Everyday was an adventure.
Quote of the day: Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives. ~ John Galsworthy
Just when I think life can't get anymore hysterical, today topped the list. I was running around to get breakfast made and my dad washed and dressed, because we had an air conditioning inspection at 10am. Twice a year, we pay for a service to check the heat and air systems in the house and change air filters. The technician who came was a lovely man. A young fellow, but he could see I was caregiving for both of my parents. He then told me that his first career was that of a nurse. He was inspired to do this because his grandmother had dementia. After several years, he burned out, and switched professions. What I quickly deduced was he was insightful enough to know I was balancing a lot and on my own.
He walked me through each system today, he explained the air filters to me, and told me that he would be happy working with me every six months to keep the systems up and operational. So Elijah is now my heating/cooling angel! I need as many angels in my corner. He offered this to me because he said, literally, you are balancing too much alone and he wants to take this worry off my plate. Mind you this service comes with the contract I have with the company, so I am not paying extra for his visits. But what this means to me, is he is a sensitive man, who wants to help me.
Unfortunately Elijah brought a major issue to my attention today. For those of you who have followed the blog for years, know that when we moved into this house, it was a nightmare. The house needed extensive repairs, so much so that we had the trades living in our house for three months. One of the things on the future radar scope was the furnace. Today, the worst news came to me, I no longer could wait. The whole furnace and AC condenser needs replacing. Dear Lord, how much more can Vicki take?
I was in a rip roaring mood all day. When I went to pick my dad up at the memory care center, it took him about 25 minutes to come out! I knew something was up. The issue? They took my dad to the bathroom, but no one stayed in the bathroom with him. BIG mistake. He clearly pooped on himself and his clothes. They tried to clean him up but by the time he got to the car, he reeked. Naturally when I got home, I sent an email to the program director.
Soon there getting home, the person selling me a new furnace showed up. I was juggling him, everything else, and trying to prep dinner. Honestly, I ask myself, how I survive each day? I have no answers, truthfully. Needless to say, I will have workmen here starting at 7am on Saturday, and they told me to plan for a full day of installment. God give me strength, because I range from extremely angry to disillusioned and upset.
Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was two years old. He absolutely LOVED his frog sandbox, which sat on our deck for years. I can't tell you how many toys Mattie had in that box! When Mattie died, we put the frog sandbox in our commons area. I never thought that other kids would use it. When I first saw kids using Mattie's box, I felt like someone had stabbed me with a knife. It pained me to see other kids in the box, playing with his toys, and was even more fascinated that parents would allow their kids access to something that did not belong to them. However, over time, that feeling of anger and pain, turned into Mattie's joy and happiness being passed along to other children. I assure you that switch in my thinking was not automatic and it did not come easily. But I did get there. I also rationalized that others playing with Mattie's box, could never diminish or erase Mattie's memory in my mind and heart.
Quote of the day: Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy, like there’s too much gravity on my heart. ~ Sarah Ockler
It was another busy day. My mom's physical therapist was here at 10am. I had my dad home with us today because I had a doctor's appointment at 3pm, and I couldn't juggle his afternoon pick up at his memory care center and get to my appointment in time. While my mom did her therapy, I was on the phone with insurer. I tell you I am getting quite an education in long term care insurance.
I had to fax a document to my dad's health insurer today. I literally left my parents in the car for less than ten minutes. When I got back into the car, I smelled something! I knew that meant my dad had to go to the bathroom. He did not want to go back home, so I proceeded to take them to Starbuck's as they requested. However, despite my best efforts, my dad had already pooped in his pants, and I had a big clean up job to do! This issue is becoming a daily routine, and I assure you it is less than pleasant. Don't worry about my dad. Seconds after this happens he has NO recall of what just transpired. It protects his dignity, which is good, but it is a big WOW for me.
I learned a few months ago that my doctor, who I have been seeing since I was about 25 years old, is retiring. Mind you she is my age! So I am still stunned she is retiring. I met with her today for my annual physical. I got my blood test results back and my cholesterol is still high. I was very dejected going into this appointment, as I have lost 20 pounds and restrict things like ice cream, cheese, and bread. Yet despite that the test still showed a high LDL (the bad cholesterol). Make a long story short, I wasn't looking at my numbers in context. In comparison to where I was last year at this time, my LDL is beautiful. It has dropped significantly and it has even decreased from 6 months ago. So though I thought I wasn't making progress, I am. I am so inundated with my parent's care that I can't even see the bigger picture of my own.
However, when I told my doctor about my ear pressure and fluttering, she did not like what she was hearing. So I have to schedule a brain MRI soon, to rule out issues like aneurysms. My paternal uncle died from an aneurysm at an early age, so of course I will be compliant and do the test. Given my migraines, I have had many brain MRIs over the years. But now everything I experience is far more daunting, far more frightening, because I am doing it alone. I am alone!
When I was chatting with my doctor about her retirement, I literally began to cry. This is someone I have grown up with! Mattie loved my doctor too. I remember taking him with me one day for an appointment and he told me he thought the doctor was 'cute.' My doctor is retiring because her close friends invited her to live near them in Hawaii. Since my doctor is like me, without a child and husband, she felt she needed to think carefully about her future. She doesn't want a future alone, and as she was talking, I absolutely understood wholeheartedly the decision she was making. She has devoted 25 years to patient care and I told her this is now her time. That said, I don't like change on a good day. Now forget it! In any case, she has made an appointment to see me in the Fall, so we can continue to chat, check in on how I am doing, and potentially meet the doctor who will be taking over her patients. The loss just keeps on coming.
Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2003. Mattie was one year old and FULLY ON! He kept me on my toes and together we learned and navigated the world together. I absolutely LOVED Mattie's smile and energy. We were very similar in personality and with Mattie's death, a piece of me died as well.
Quote of the day: Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
I would say that both of my parents require a great deal of napping and sleep. If my dad had his way, he would sleep the day away. Of course I won't let that happen because it isn't good for his mind or body. I really think the key to managing the nightmare of Alzheimer's is constant stimulation. Which is why I enrolled him in a memory care day program in 2022. I just couldn't manage his needs on my own. After breakfast today, both of my parents napped. While they were sleeping I did laundry, worked on the Foundation newsletter, and vacuumed out my car.
Every Sunday I take my parents out to brunch. When I returned, I headed right back outside. I planted eight basil plants, took out a hand saw and removed most of a dead pine shrub, and then planted irises that were given to me as a gift. I spent about two hours outside. Being outside is the only time I really can get away from the constant demand inside my home. Therefore it has become my therapy. I find picking up sticks, pulling weeds, and doing gardening work are about the only things right now keeping me sane.
