Mattie Miracle 15th Anniversary Video

Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation Promotional Video

Thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive!

Dear Mattie Blog Readers,

It means a great deal to us that you take the time to write to us and to share your thoughts, feelings, and reflections on Mattie's battle and death. Your messages are very meaningful to us and help support us through very challenging times. To you we are forever grateful. As my readers know, I promised to write the blog for a year after Mattie's death, which would mean that I could technically stop writing on September 9, 2010. However, at the moment, I feel like our journey with grief still needs to be processed and fortunately I have a willing support network still committed to reading. Therefore, the blog continues on. If I should find the need to stop writing, I assure you I will give you advanced notice. In the mean time, thank you for reading, thank you for having the courage to share this journey with us, and most importantly thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive.


As Mattie would say, Ooga Booga (meaning, I LOVE YOU)! Vicki and Peter



The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation celebrates its 7th anniversary!

The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation was created in the honor of Mattie.

We are a 501(c)(3) Public Charity. We are dedicated to increasing childhood cancer awareness, education, advocacy, research and psychosocial support services to children, their families and medical personnel. Children and their families will be supported throughout the cancer treatment journey, to ensure access to quality psychosocial and mental health care, and to enable children to cope with cancer so they can lead happy and productive lives. Please visit the website at: www.mattiemiracle.com and take some time to explore the site.

We have only gotten this far because of people like yourself, who have supported us through thick and thin. So thank you for your continued support and caring, and remember:

.... Let's Make the Miracle Happen and Stomp Out Childhood Cancer!

A Remembrance Video of Mattie

March 30, 2024

Saturday, March 30, 2024

Saturday, March 30, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. While on our trip in Key West, we came across this park. They had a sculpture of a dinosaur, which intrigued us. It was literally made from found metal objects, which you may see if you look closely. What I love about this photo was it illustrated Mattie's interpretation of a dinosaur. 



Quote of the day: Sorrow is how we learn to love. Your heart isn’t breaking. It hurts because it’s getting larger. The larger it gets, the more love it holds. ~ Rita Mae Brown


If tonight's quote is accurate, then my heart must be enormous! I go to bed each night in disbelief that this is my life and I wake up hoping for a different reality. Of course, as soon as I come to conscious, it is like my body is jolted awake. I truthfully do not know what compels me to get out of bed and do all that I do each day. 

I am dragging today. I feel wiped out on every level. My dad is still struggling with congestion and slept most of the day away. A friend of mine came over today. I haven't seen her for quite some time. She came to offer support and of course I got talking about my life's situation. Some people may feel better after they talk. I am not one of them. Talking takes energy, energy I do not have to expend. Literally after my friend left today, I cleaned up plates and cups, folded laundry, and then went upstairs to get into my pajamas. It was only 3:30pm, but that was the state I was in. 

If my parents weren't here, I would have gotten into bed and would have called it a day. But dinner needed to be made and things had to get done. So I continue on. 

March 29, 2024

Friday, March 29, 2024

Friday, March 29, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. That spring break we took Mattie to the Florida Keys. Along our adventures, we stopped at this place that had a hands-on activity with a naturalist. As you can see, the naturalist was introducing Mattie to a type of shark. He was encouraging Mattie to touch the shark's skin. Mattie was intrigued but definitely wasn't going to touch this shark no matter what! Mattie had an instinctive understanding for danger and when to be cautious. 


Quote of the day: The journey of life is sweeter when traveled with a dog. ~ Bridget Willoughby


Though my dad is still not 100%, I sent him to his memory care center. He wasn't coughing, had no fever, and wasn't sneezing. He was just lethargic and congested. But he is on antibiotics and I figured keeping him mentally stimulated is vital. Turns out I made the right decision as the staff would have called me immediately if he needed to come home. 

This morning was a whirlwind. After dropping my dad off, I had to go pay a bill, then I drove to a winery/restaurant about 30 minutes from my home to pick up a raffle item they are donating to Mattie Miracle's raffle. I truly thought this would be a quick stop and then I could move onto the grocery store. I am always running around because I can't leave my mom home unattended for too long. Her physical therapist was coming to the house this morning, so that bought me some time. 

Any case, once I arrived at this winery/restaurant, I met the manager and presented the certificate e-mailed to me. He was pleasant enough but NOT efficient. He had me waiting and STANDING for 45 minutes. He needed to locate this big magnum bottle of wine that was being donated and he also needed to create a three month membership card to their wine club. Literally I couldn't get over how long this was taking. What was running through my head was.... thank goodness I did not have my parents in tow and waiting in the car. That would have been a disaster. Something told me I had to do this alone. In addition to that revelation, what also was crossing my mind was that I felt pressed for time. I had to get moving to get the grocery shopping done. The manager never apologized and he did not throw in something extra to the donated package as a thank you for my time and patience. I made a mental note of this!

It was a stressful 45 minutes. But while waiting, I observed a woman. She came into the winery around the time I did, 11am. She had to be around my age. She walked herself up to the bar and the bartenders seemed to know her. What surprised me was she began drinking wine at 11am. By herself! I am not sure what surprised me about this but something said to me that there was a story there and in essence I was watching her and she was watching me. Just like she caught my attention, I am sure I caught hers, as I was just standing still, not talking to anyone, and feeling lost in a sea of wine bottles and glasses. 

After that ordeal, I went grocery shopping. I can't say the grocery store was any better. It was super crowded and what I did not factor into this visit was that this weekend is Easter. Truthfully, Easter is so far away from my mind. To me every day is just like the day before. Though holidays lost their meaning once Mattie died, now I would say they are completely dead to me. 

This week I have been dealing with health insurers, long term care companies, and funeral homes. All I can say is this is very sobering. I will be facing all of this alone for both my parents and then for myself. For the last six months, I have had to face so much and to me the whole thing has been daunting, stressful, and most of all depressing. As I try to make decisions for my parents, I too am reflecting on my own demise. I am thinking about who will be doing all of this for me? I suppose once I am dead, it doesn't matter, so in all reality, why should I care? That is the state of my existence right now. 

March 28, 2024

Thursday, March 28, 2024

Thursday, March 28, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. That day, it snowed! Mattie wanted to go outside and play with the snow. So out we went. Mattie collected snow in his pails and built snow castles. Then we went into the commons area of our townhouse, to his rock collections, and picked up a few to decorate his castles. This was a signature Mattie move. He always decorated his castles with things found in nature. Same thing happened at the beach. Mattie would build and then we would walk the beach in search of shells, seaweed, sticks, and other debris. These items would then adorned his creations! 



Quote of the day: Dogs are better than human beings because they know but do not tell. ~ Emily Dickinson


I absolutely LOVE this face! Those little spots on Sunny's nose, I referred to them as freckles. I had no idea that the big tan spot on the top of his head was called as Queen's Spot or Queen's Kiss.

Implying that this is the spot on Queen Elizabeth's Corgi dogs that she would kiss. I frankly never heard of this until I meet a Corgi owner walking her dogs in Washington, DC. She and I would see each other often and one day, we finally got to talking. She remarked on Sunny's Queen Spot to me, and I literally said..... his what? She then explained to me that this cute spot on top of his head actually had a name! 

Any case, the look Sunny was giving me in this photo was the look that it was TIME TO GO OUT! Basically he was telling me I had to get it together, find the leash, because he was ready!


Last night, after a long day, I decided to work on an application for a funding source for the Foundation. The application had a quick turn around time, so I knew I had to address it. I am very grateful for this opportunity which was sent to me by a dear friend. However, some of the items being asked of me were a little beyond my comfort zone. Such as reporting revenue and expenses for example. The Foundation has a CPA, who provides us with an annual financial audit and files our IRS 990, but the simple things like a budget, I do not easily have access to. How I generate a budget, is not the same way someone with a business degree would do it. I spent a good portion of the evening Googling information on-line and looking for templates. I have the data, what I did not know exactly is how to format and present it. But I spent hours working on this. The application also required an annual report. Fortunately I had been working on one for the last month, so last night, I pulled it out and was able to tweak it. There would have been no way I could have quickly generated something of that magnitude overnight. So it was fortuitous that I had one! 

What I notice about myself is I feel very uncertain, nervous, and at times overwhelmed. I have spent my entire adult life having a partner. It is very hard to go from two to one. For me it is a very unnatural way to interface with the world. Not only because I had a meaningful other half for 35 years, but because my other half was an integral part of every aspect of my life. When I had questions, when I had concerns, when I needed support, when I had ideas or feelings to share, there he was. Now I face all these things alone and not only alone, but managing the care of two people who require constant support and supervision. It is a daunting and unsettling existence.

Any case, by 1am, I submitted the application on-line. Actually my most productive hours are when my parents are sleeping. This is when the house is quiet, the TV isn't on, and no demands are placed on me. Given what I had to craft last night with this application, I needed the time to focus and concentrate. This morning when I awoke, I acknowledged internally what I accomplished last night. 

Of course, no day is ever peaceful. When I woke my dad up this morning, I could tell he was sick. He was congested, coughing, and lethargic. I quickly did a COVID test and took his temperature. He had neither a fever nor COVID. I texted his doctor and explained his symptoms and the fact that my dad was coughing up yellow junk. My dad is back on antibiotics. This is his third round of antibiotics in about three months. The doctor tells me all sorts of things are going around and my dad's memory care center is the perfect breeding ground. I ran out this morning to pick up his medication at the pharmacy and I am hoping tomorrow is a better day!

March 27, 2024

Wednesday, March 27, 2024

Wednesday, March 27, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. Mattie was in kindergarten that year. During his school's spring break, we went on a trip to Key West, Florida. We met up with Peter's parents and spent a week together. It was our first time visiting Key West. We flew into the Ft. Lauderdale airport and then drove, what felt like at least three hours, to get to the Keys. On our three hour drive, we stopped at this shop! Mattie was intrigued by all the shells and this bench in the shape of a hand. 


Quote of the day: Our animal friends teach us more than we could have expected …And love us more than we could have hoped …… That’s why we miss them more than we could have imagined. ~ Unknown


We used to board Sunny at a place in Alexandria, VA when we went away. That particular week my Sunny was featured on their screen in the lobby! He was the dog of the week. Actually in my opinion he was the dog of the century! A class act! Notice his most loveable quality mentioned.... his calm and gentle demeanor! 100% correct! When Sunny opened his mouth, he always looked like he was smiling!



Today, Mattie Miracle announced it's 15th anniversary Walk. It is hard to believe that we have been in existence this long! In some ways it seems like Mattie just died and in other ways, it feels like I was a mom eons ago. It is a conflicting feeling I continue to live with and face with each passing day and year. In fifteen years, we have accomplished so much, such as raising over $1.7million for the cause! We have funded six different child life positions, run four Snack & Item Carts, awarded over $25,000 in wishes to children with cancer, paid $10,000 in therapy grants, and supported over $165,000 in research grants. All achievements I am greatly proud of and that were guided by our experiences with Mattie. Mattie lives on through Mattie Miracle and as I always say, Mattie Miracle is my second baby. 

When you lose a child to cancer, and then create a Foundation, it is a passion that is indescribable. I have held many other positions in non-profits before. Sure I felt these roles were important, but they were nothing like the fierce loyalty, commitment, and protective nature I feel for Mattie Miracle. It is hard to describe this unless you sit in my shoes. I have devoted 15 years of my life to my second baby, that was created in memory of my first and only baby. In many ways, Mattie Miracle is a tribute of a mother's love and devotion, and though I could have done a lot with my life, I will never regret creating a living legacy for Mattie that has helped thousands of children and their families. 

Click on the image below to check out our Walk website. Help us make our 15th Walk the best one ever!!!










March 26, 2024

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Tuesday, March 26, 2024 -- Mattie died 756 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2008. It is hard to believe that four months later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. That weekend, we took him for a walk around Roosevelt Island. That Island has so much significance to us. We walked it with Mattie, we walked it after Mattie died, and when we did, we felt a piece of our family remained alive in this space. I will never forget our adventures there, the wildlife we observed, the branches and rocks collected, and the opportunity to be one with nature. 


Quote of the day: The world would be a nicer place if everyone had the ability to love as unconditionally as a dog. ~ M.K. Clinton


Sunny and Me! Sunny was awarded his Good Citizenship Certificate that day and he got to pick out a prize. He selected a rubber toy bone! 

I can't tell you how much I loved Sunny. In fact, in difficult moments, I imagine Sunny's big eyes staring into mine. He was full of love, gentle, and loyal to the end. It is hard to believe he has been gone two months already. 



As I mentioned last night, I have a post it note in front of me at my desk that says..........

1) contact long term care company
2) contact pension company
3) contact funeral home
4) contact company about back flow device for house

I was on a tear today, and addressed all four things. Let me tell you what the easiest thing was.... the funeral company. My dad made pre-arrangements for their cremations in 2009. It is hysterical that in 2009, he only paid less than $2,000 per cremation. Definitely not 2024 standards. Thankfully he selected a funeral home in California that is part of a nationwide chain. The first blessing, otherwise, the money he pre-paid would be completely lost. Any case, I contacted a sister funeral home near me today. I was ready to do battle, as the insurance company prepared me that they may upsell me or change the price in the new contract! The woman on the phone was a peach. She agreed to the contract we have and also contacted the funeral home in California to transfer over the paperwork. I literally got off the phone and said..... why can't all customer service people be like this?! Granted she is dealing with people making death and dying choices, so one would hope there would be more empathy, but her noticeable kindness and compassion were deeply valued. 

Then I moved onto my dad's pension company. I learned that his New York pension will transfer to my mom (100%) if he should die before her. When he started receiving his pension years ago, he did not check off on the provision that the pension could go to another family member if he and his spouse died. Ironically that was an option, and I have no idea why he did not check off that provision. There are many things I am learning about my dad and his decision making that don't quite add up. 

The long term care claim for my mom, is a total process. I applied in January and now we are almost in April, and still struggling with them. But I am like a dog with a bone. I don't let up. Finally, someone is coming over bright and early on Thursday morning to help me determine if we have a back flow valve and if we need to install one. So I have been productive on that front. 

There have been other things that transpired today that I am less than happy with and I will leave it at that. All I can say is no one truly understands the incredible stress I am under daily. How I remain standing, fighting, and trying to move forward is beyond me. 



March 25, 2024

Monday, March 25, 2024

Monday, March 25, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2008. Mattie came home from kindergarten that afternoon and we decided to try to fly his kite. Our commons area in the city was the perfect spot to learn. It had a natural wind current and it was secure from cars and other vehicles. So Mattie could easily run around with the kite. I will never forget these moments in time. 

Quote of the day: I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence. ~ Alyson Noel


This photo was taken in September of 2016! Labor Day weekend to be specific. We picked Sunny up at his foster parent's home and introduced him to our townhouse. Indie, our cat, was super curious with our new addition. This was how Sunny and Indie first met. They were kind, gentle, and very civil with each other. This was the first indicator of what the next 7 years with Sunny were going to be like. He was my GENTLE GIANT. A true and loyal companion. 

This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center. I came home and started making phone calls. I have so much on my plate, that I literally have lists taped to the lamp on my desk. This week alone, I have to deal with my mom's long term care insurance claim, one of my dad's pensions, trying to transfer their funeral contract to a local one in Virginia, and last but not least, I have to schedule a plumber to determine whether the house has a back flow device (a requirement in Fairfax County). I have more to do, but these are on my mandatory list for the week. 

After some calls, I took my mom out. While in the car, my mom started to talk with me about what my life would have looked like if I had accepted the big government job I was offered in 2003 (on the day of my dissertation defense). I will spare you the details, but it took me a lot of effort to connect with a governmental agency to collect data for my doctoral dissertation. Try three years! Most agencies did not like an outsider coming in, assessing their caregiving services, and how their employees are managing these stresses. However, all my efforts paid off and I got connected with a great agency. The agency contact who worked with me and oversaw my work, was so fond of me, that at my dissertation defense, he announced to my committee that the agency was going to create a position for me. The head of their Work Life office. It would be a grade 14 position. An unheard of offer for a new graduate! However, this was going to be full time work. At that point Mattie was only one year old. I had to make the choice..... raise Mattie or work full time. I chose Mattie. 

Now 22 years later, would I have made a different decision today, knowing what I know? The answer is a resounding NO! Certainly working would have given me money, health insurance, and a pension. Basically a secure future (which is crucial). However, I would have missed precious time with Mattie. Time I would never have gotten back! I would have lived now with regret and guilt, that I should have spent more time with Mattie, that I should have put him first, and that perhaps my lack of focus and attention on him caused him to get cancer. Not rational, but emotions aren't always rational. 

I am quite sure if Mattie was healthy and remained in school, I would have taken on more work roles. But that wasn't meant to be. Mattie never progressed past kindergarten, because he was diagnosed with cancer. Again, my life took an unexpected turn. Once Mattie died, I couldn't see myself returning to teaching, but perhaps I should have re-invested my attention back to my interests in working for agencies and helping employees manage the challenges of their work life balance. Instead, once again, I chose Mattie. This time (in 2009) it wasn't the literal Mattie, but it was Mattie's Foundation. My second baby. I have devoted the last 15 years of my life to the Foundation and have done it all without pay or much recognition. Nonetheless, Mattie's life, journey, and death have to have meaning and purpose. All of which have become my LIFE'S work. At the end of the day, when I die, if I am known or remembered for helping other children with cancer and their families, then my work and devotion will not be in vain. 

March 24, 2024

Sunday, March 24, 2024

Sunday, March 24, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. We took Mattie for a walk around the Washington, DC National Mall. The ponds were filled with seagulls and ducks. I remember I had brought a bag of bread for Mattie to feed the birds. I also recall that a person strolling around the Mall came over to me and talked to me about NOT feeding the birds. She told me it wasn't good for the birds. Needless to say, I did not pay a bit of attention to her because under the circumstances, if Mattie wanted to feed the birds, and it made him smile, then I WAS GOING TO FEED THE BIRDS.


Quote of the day: You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’ ~ Dave Barry


Look at this poor pup! Sunny was most definitely NOT happy! His physical therapist was performing laser therapy to his leg/knee. You may notice, there was an assistant sitting toward the front with a bag of treats! This team understood what worked for Sunny! All I know is Kirsty performed magic on Sunny. She truly aided his recovery and both knee surgeries gave Sunny another chance at life. As he loved walking and running, and within a few months post surgery, Sunny was up and about! 



This morning, I was listening to a podcast while getting showered and dressed. Within the show, the hosts mentioned the Stanford Prison Experiment of 1971. I know when I was in graduate school, I am quite certain we reviewed this research and the ethical ramifications on both the researcher and the subjects.

By today's standards, one would ask.... HOW ON EARTH did this study pass any institutional review board? Or how come this psychologist, who worked for the University, wasn't fired because of his unethical behavior? Mental health professionals are supposed to do no harm! Clearly for the subjects in this study, harm was very apparent and part of me wonders what the long term consequences were for these subjects. Ironically, when I tried to google this exact question, I found very little information.

In a nutshell, the Stanford Prison Experiment was designed to assess how personality and the environment can effect a person's behavior. Around 70 students answered a newspaper ad to participate in a psychological study addressing prison life. These students signed informed consents, underwent psychological testing and only 24 of the 70 students were admitted into the study. 

The student prisoners were actually arrested, taken into custody and processed, before landing up in a mock jail. Literally the research team transformed the basement of the psychology building at Stanford into a prison. The regular classroom doors were removed and replaced with doors that had bars on them. The hallway to these three classrooms was considered the "yard." The only space prisoners could walk (to access the bathroom), otherwise they were in their rooms. 

Half of the subjects were randomly selected to serve as prisoners and the other half were guards. The guard 'subjects' received NO training. One would think that these students would recognize, remember, and reflect on the fact that they were in a study and that they really weren't the roles they were playing. However, what transpired is truly mind blowing and down right scary. These students LOST their identity, and called themselves by prison ID numbers! The guards became punitive, cruel, and abusive toward the prisoners and the prisoners became stressed, depressed, and lost hope that they would ever see the light of day. From our rational outside world view, this study leaves us asking.... how is this possible? Why didn't students just say, enough is enough. I am out of this study! No I will not treat my fellow students this way, or have myself treated in this fashion.

Here is a direct quotes from the principal investigator, Philip Zimbardo:

Our planned two-week investigation into the psychology of prison life had to be ended after only six days because of what the situation was doing to the college students who participated. In only a few days, our guards became sadistic and our prisoners became depressed and showed signs of extreme stress. 

Their sense of reality had shifted, and they no longer perceived their imprisonment as an experiment. In the psychological prison we had created, only the correctional staff had the power to grant paroles.

At this point it became clear that we had to end the study. We had created an overwhelmingly powerful situation – a situation in which prisoners were withdrawing and behaving in pathological ways, and in which some of the guards were behaving sadistically. Even the "good" guards felt helpless to intervene, and none of the guards quit while the study was in progress. Indeed, it should be noted that no guard ever came late for his shift, called in sick, left early, or demanded extra pay for overtime work.

After observing our simulated prison for only six days, we could understand how prisons dehumanize people, turning them into objects and instilling in them feelings of hopelessness. And as for guards, we realized how ordinary people could be readily transformed from the good Dr. Jekyll to the evil Mr. Hyde.

The personality transformation didn't just occur to the prisoners and the guards, but to the researcher himself. Instead of behaving and acting like a psychological researcher, he got absorbed and intoxicated in his role as prison administrator. Instead of worrying about the well-being of his research subjects, he was more concerned about protecting the integrity and function of his mock prison! As if he took forgot his own identity after being sucked into this context for six days! 

I encourage you to read the link above, if this kind of stuff fascinates you as it does me. I have strong convictions, beliefs, and try to conduct myself with high ethical principles. Not to mention have compassion for people around me. As I reflect on this study, I am confused how students could beat, hurt, or abuse fellow students. I can't imagine myself doing this to another human being. But that is the whole point of this study! Under duress, under toxic conditions, influenced by coercive people, we are all capable of doing the impossible. This study illustrates this tenfold. In any case, it makes me pause.

We live in a complex world and preserving our freedom, rights, and being in control of our own lives are crucial to a healthy existence. I am truly a person deeply impacted by the hurts of other people, and tonight and probably for many days to come, I will be thinking about the survivors of this study and so many others here and around the world living under duress.