4 Steps to Great Listening
The secret to amazing relationships by Benjamin
Rapaport
We all want amazing relationships. Every week a bestseller comes out with
the latest recipe for how to have them. Let’s
consider the faculty of hearing. Every word that is spoken is heard one by one.
It is only in the mind of the listener that the words come together and combine
into a meaningful whole. This physical reality reflects a spiritual truth: It is
through really listening that discrete, separate entities come together and form
a greater whole. How we hear determines the quality of our relationships. To experience deep connection we need to develop our listening abilities. Here are four fantastic tips to help us hear better and take our relationships
to new levels:
1) Listen with your eyes. Look at the other person when they are
speaking. 93% of our communication lies beyond the actual words that are said,
according to a study by UCLA. 38% is related to voice quality, things like tone
and inflection, and 55% is related to non-verbal communication, the physiology
we talk with. This means that the way we physically communicate is nearly eight
times more impactful than the actual words that are said (at 7%). We’ve all had the experience of talking with someone and they are looking
past us or checking their phone. We may have also experienced how wonderful it
feels when the person we are with is really listening to us, and really sees
us. Next time someone is speaking to us, let us tell
them with our eyes that what they have to say matters to us, and even more
importantly, that they matter to us.
2) Ask open questions. An open question is the type of question that
invites the other person to tell their story, to respond with something more
than just a yes or a no. These questions often begin with words like “what” or
“how” and create a space for an answer that will take longer to listen to. They
communicate: I am interested in knowing you more deeply, in connecting with
you. Closed questions such as, “Did you like it?” Or, “Was your meeting good?”
limit the feedback. They close us in to a short response. Often this all the
questioner wants and we respond in kind. When we give others the room necessary to share their story it encourages
them to go further with us, to experience a more profound connection in the relationship. It is remarkable how powerful
this can be in building better rapport.
3) Validate: Even when we disagree with something that has been
said, we can express this in a way that is respectful of the other person and
their intelligence. Expressing our
criticism in a way that validates the value of the other person makes all the
difference.
4) Empathic listening. Try to get behind the eyeballs of the other
and strive to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Ask yourself, what
brought them to their position? Who is this person? Where are they from? What
have they experienced in life? So often, we think we know what others mean without really having the big
picture. So many misunderstandings can be avoided
when we sincerely reflect on where others are coming from and consider more
fully their point of view.
An easy way to remember these four tips is to listen with
LOVE:
L – Look (at the person you are speaking with)
O – Open
(ask open questions)
V – Validate (the person you are speaking
with)
E – Empathic (try to see from their eyes)
Four Obstacles to Listening
In order to really raise the bar in our relationships, we also need to
understand the four foes of listening and how to overcome them. They are:
Too busy to listen. Life is busier than ever and we are multitasking
like never before. There are emails to answer, meetings to make, and deadlines
to reach. As a result, anything that does not seem so urgent takes a backseat.
Sadly, listening in a meaningful way to the people in our lives usually falls
into that category. The problem with this pattern is that not listening usually
translates into not understanding. Over time this ends up costing far more at
work and at home, in terms of both time and often money, than if we had invested
the time up front in better listening. So, be a smart investor and invest in
better listening up front. The dividends will surpass your
expectations.
Jumping to conclusions. It is natural to jump to conclusions about
what others mean or want without really understanding. This can often send us,
with the best of intentions, in the wrong direction. As a general rule, it is
helpful to ask for clarification whenever there is room for confusion. This
small step can take us far in improving our interpersonal
effectiveness.
Not aware. We often undervalue the difference that we are capable of
making with good listening. When we consider our own experience of what it feels
like to be heard and seen, or not heard and seen, we can appreciate how
meaningful our hearing and seeing can be to others. This awareness awakens us to
uplift others with the way we are present as they speak.
Rehearsing our lines. How often have we rehearsed in our minds what
we were going to say next as the other person was speaking? Maimonides taught
that it is impossible to hold two thoughts in our mind simultaneously. As a
result, when we are rehearsing our lines we are going to miss partly or
completely what the other person is saying. The realization that our response
will be far more to the point when we understand what has been said, helps us to
tune in better. A notable benefit of doing this is that others are much more
interested in what we have to say, once they feel that they have been
heard.
Great listening lies at the heart of connection. When we hear more fully,
with our eyes, ears, and words, this communicates how much we care and opens a
channel for deep bonding to occur. Make a commitment to listen with LOVE and
enjoy better relationships today.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
