Saturday, February 10, 2024

Saturday, February 10, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That Saturday, we took Mattie to the Natural History Museum in Washington, DC. We were standing in the main hallway rotunda, that featured a huge African Elephant named Henry. Look at Mattie's face.... I love his sheer amazement. Priceless!

Quote of the day: We should never underestimate the powerful draw of a bond with a being that loves us unconditionally, asking very little in return. Losing this comfort and source of joy can be incomprehensible. ~ Linda Lipshutz

Look at my boy! One of the first places we boarded Sunny when we went away was in Alexandria, VA. This was one of Sunny's report cards! I loved it so much that I clearly snapped a photo of it. Sunny lived up to his name.... he had a beautiful sunny disposition, loved people, dogs, and simply appreciated being rescued. 

Today was NOT a good day at all. I had high hopes that while my dad's physical therapist was here, I could focus on some Foundation work! FORGET IT. My dad was struggling today, he had labored breathing, which became a big concern during therapy. So I had to interface with the therapist and try to figure out what was going on. My dad's oxygen level was fine, as was his blood pressure. But if you saw him, you would think..... he's got a problem. I have noticed over the last two weeks, labored breathing and exhaustion. So despite the fact that his physicians think he is fine, I am going back at it on Monday. Of course in addition to the labored breathing, I had to take my dad to the bathroom, mid-therapy. When I thought I finally got him stabilized, the doorbell rang. My neighbor came to visit. To me, it was like the perfect storm. I literally said to myself.... there is NO PEACE in this house. I never get a half of a second to myself. 

Tonight after cleaning up dinner dishes, I opened the side door to throw out the trash. At my doorstep was this Valentine's Day surprise from my friend Carolyn. I met Carolyn at Mattie's preschool. Our children were in the same classroom together in 2005. 

When Mattie was diagnosed and in treatment, Carolyn supported us with food, gifts, and visits. After Mattie died, Carolyn took on the role of our Mattie Miracle Raffle chair. A role she has served for 15 years! The point to all of this is Carolyn has been an integral part of my life. 

But here's the thing. My life has once again become unmanageable, I am facing a very hard adjustment. Yet what I notice is that Team Mattie has once again activated and this gift today, reminded me of this incredible network. Team Mattie is another gift Mattie left behind for me! It is comprised of remarkable women and friends, who understand my despair without me expressing a word. 

Friday, February 9, 2024

Friday, February 9, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. At ten months old, Mattie was full of curiosity and desperately wanted to walk. Which was why "tot wheels" was a miracle. Mattie loved moving independently, zooming around our first floor and of course following me where ever I went. What I distinctly remember was that Mattie's hands and fingers were like antennas. Mattie would put his hands up and his fingers would move through the air, as if he was absorbing his surroundings through the passing of air over his hands! 

Quote of the day: I believe that dogs are sent to us to open our hearts. ~ Tamar Geller

This is one of my favorite photos! It captured the playful and funny side of Sunny! What a face, if he was human, you would say he was smiling! 

Tonight's quote is spot on! Sunny entered our lives in 2016, and he reopened our hearts in a profound way after Mattie died. I know that Sunny got me outside, walking, interacting with the world again, talking to people, and through our bond, I became happier. He brought me joy, love, and was a loyal companion to the end. He is unforgettable. 

My mom and I met up with my friend Junko today. Junko came into my life when Mattie started his elementary school in 2007. In fact, the summer of 2007, I enrolled Mattie in a day camp at his new school, in hopes that he would get to know the campus and make some friends before the school year started. 

Mattie was very shy and cautious and was not happy to be dropped off in the school's gym, and separate from me. His camp teacher wouldn't let me in the room at drop off time. However, by day 2, I did not follow her request, and instead walked into the gym, holding Mattie's hand. I knew Mattie needed some support connecting with a friend. That was when I spotted Junko's son, Kazu. I literally walked over to Kazu and asked him if he knew anyone in the gym. He said no! I told him that Mattie did not know anyone either, so perhaps they could be friends and stick together. Both boys seemed to like that idea! Needless to say, once Mattie befriended Kazu, he had a much better time in camp. Naturally through the boys, I met Junko. 

Mattie's elementary school had weekly chapel services for the children and parents were invited. Every Tuesday, I attended chapel and guess who my seat mate was in chapel? That is right, Junko. Through our Tuesday gatherings we got to know and appreciate one another. Of course when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I did not lose my chapel mate. Instead, Junko came often to the hospital. She introduced me to lobster rolls, other treats, and even provided me with neck and back massages in the parent's lounge of pediatric units. All of Mattie's nurses knew Junko and when they saw Junko coming, they would basically tell me that they were happy Junko was there because they knew she took good care of ME. 

We had a special lunch with Junko. The thing is we have already been through a nightmare together, Mattie's diagnosis and death, so connecting, sharing thoughts and feelings come very easily for us. I would have to say that Mattie provided many gifts in my life, and Junko is one of them. 

Junko showered me with lots of gifts and cards today. These are just a few of them and as Valentine's Day is approaching, I am deeply honored and touched that friends are here to remind me that I matter. That I am loved, and that I am special to them. 

Thursday, February 8, 2024

Thursday, February 8, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was ten months old and was sitting on our living room floor completely surrounded by his toys. Some how I instinctively knew to snap photos of Mattie. Not just on occasions or milestone moments, but practically daily. I am so thankful that I did because these pictures help me keep Mattie's spirit, energy, joy, and memory alive. They also enable me to share Mattie's life with others. 

Quote of the day: We should never underestimate the powerful draw of a bond with a being that loves us unconditionally, asking very little in return. Losing this comfort and source of joy can be incomprehensible. ~ Linda Lipshutz

Last night I made the mistake of allowing Indie to sleep in my room. She was very clingy yesterday and at bed time, she wanted to remain close. So I fell asleep with Indie next to me and she enjoyed a great deal of attention. 

But Indie is a night owl. At 1:30am, she awoke, was running all around the room and hitting her head against the bedroom door. Meaning she wanted out! She woke me up out of a deep sleep and unfortunately after I let her out of the room, I had a very difficult time falling back asleep. Which is why I have been dragging all day. In my house, there is NO down time, and no time to recover!

While doing my morning routine, I was derailed with a phone call from one of our banks. There was an issue with one of our accounts and literally this call was like a domino effect. It created chaos and confusion in my house, enormous stress, and truthfully by 11am, I felt like I went ten rounds. I landed up not eating breakfast or lunch today, because I was that strung out. 

Later this afternoon, I brought one of our garbage bins to the backyard, as I am determined to clean out the last BIG pile of sticks and fallen limbs. It will take me another week or more to slowly clear out this pile. In any case, as I was wheeling this large bin down the driveway, it fell back on me, pulling me down. My knee hit the pavement very hard and one of those large branches scratched my face badly. It came very close to my eye. I literally was flat on the driveway and of course there wasn't a soul around to help me. So I had to pick myself up, get myself inside, take Advil, and start an ice routine, while making dinner. This is my fourth fall in less than a year. Most of my falls are due to the fact that I am pushing or moving something too heavy for me. 

Look what came in the mail today! A hand painted creation of my Sunny! Our cousin Cheryl, sent this meaningful gift which was designed by https://cityowlstudios.com/! I will cherish this painting always as it captures the beauty of the Sunman. Sunny's death has been a big blow to me and I am deeply grateful that those close to me understand this profound loss. 

My friend Angie, from Rhode Island, sends me a Valentine's Day gift every year. Angie and I went to graduate school together in Boston. It has been years since we have seen one another, but our time together has forever bonded us. I am honored to be remembered and am touched that Angie brightens up my February every year with sweet treats! This year she also included a Sunny remembrance. I am not sure what I have done in life to deserve such devoted friends, but I am grateful for all this love and support. 

My Sunny remembrance area is coming along. I would like to add a collage or two this this wonderful composition, and I know in time I will make this happen. 

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was ten months old and a very curious fellow. He was zooming around our first floor in his "tot wheels" and noticed that this piece of furniture had a drawer. So naturally Mattie worked on finding a way to slowly open the drawer to see what was inside! 

Quote of the day: The bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth can ever be. ~ Konrad Lorenz

Today marks the first month anniversary of Sunny's death. I LOVE this photo. Sunny's physical therapist used to call Sunny, THE PROFESSOR. She always told me that she did not know who was learning more from the other.... Sunny from her, or her from Sunny. 

After Sunny completed his physical therapy from his first knee surgery, his therapist put on a graduation cap and snapped this photo! I miss that face, those beautiful eyes, and that adorable nose. I will always love this incredible boy. 

This was this morning's view of our street. Trucks everywhere. It is what life looks like when living in a construction zone. For the most part, I try to ignore it, which means ignoring chaos, constant noise, and debris. Unfortunately when all of this is over neighbors don't get a trip to Disneyworld! I am kidding of course and I am grateful this is happening in cold weather months, because as it starts getting warmer, many of us would like to reclaim our outdoor space and peace.

After my mom had her first physical therapy session at home today, I took her out for tea. Our Starbucks is like my local Cheers! Literally we know all the people who work there and have gotten to know many of the regular patrons. It has a lovely community feeling and during our time there, we regroup and have the opportunity to feel more normal for an hour or two. I am so grateful for this escape, and what it reminds me is that the most important things in life are connecting with people. 

A person who I consider dear and supportive in my life each day wrote me yesterday and highlighted what she read in an article about caregiving. Basically in the article, the caregiver in question changed her attitude about her role. For example, instead of saying... I have to take my mom to her doctor's appointment, reframe it by thinking.... I GET to take my mom to her appointment. It is a subtle difference but it does matter. As a caregiver it is very easy to get task oriented and forget the process and the connection you have with the person under your care. Which is why stepping back and seeing the whole picture is vital time and again. 

Later today, I had an encounter with an individual who wanted me to know how much she admires my strength, compassion, courage, and commitment to my parents. She let me know that she cared for her aunt with dementia for ONE WEEK, and after that she felt like she needed a month's vacation. She has no idea how I care for two parents simultaneously and haven't had a break in over two years. I have no answers, other than this is me. I love deeply, care deeply, and take my responsibilities to those I love seriously. With caregiving, I have learned (over the years) that you have to give it your all because you don't get a second chance to get it right. 

Tuesday, February 6, 2024

Tuesday, February 6, 2024 -- Mattie died 749 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That day we had a dusting of snow, and of course that intrigued Mattie. So we got bundled up and went outside to experience the white stuff. I will never forget our deck and commons area. Mattie learned so many things in this enclosed city space. 

Quote of the day: Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them and filling an emptiness we didn’t ever know we had. ~ Thom Jones

Which one is Sunny? Can you tell? When I adopted Sunny, he was transported from South Carolina to Washington, DC. However, I couldn't pick him up because I was in Los Angeles. So for two weeks, Sunny was temporarily housed with a foster mom. The foster mom had a dog that looked just like Sunny. But my Sunny was the one with the red collar! Sunny's foster mom was a lovely person, she cared for Sunny beautifully, and she gave me periodic updates about his personality and his likes and dislikes while I was in LA. I remember her telling me that Sunny loved to chase squirrels/rats, that he wanted to constantly shake hands with his paw, and that he did not know how to climb up or down steps. I will never forget the day we picked him up to bring him home. It was labor day weekend of 2016! As soon as we entered the foster mom's home, Sunny approached me first. He was waging his tail and it was an immediate love and bond at first sight!

This was my morning view! Trucks up and down the block. 

It was a full day of many, many lows. I took my dad to his yearly physical. I truthfully wasn't concerned about this visit, because I deemed him stable. I have noticed that my dad gets out of breath easily, even when seated and not moving. This has been an historical problem for him, so I figured it was part of his de-ability. 

Well we went from an appointment where I was laid back, to one in which I was thoroughly stressed out. My dad has lost 11 pounds since he last saw the doctor, which was three months ago. In addition, my dad's memory declined one point on the memory assessment, and if that wasn't enough the doctor said his pulse was erratic and sounded like his heart was adding an extra beat. Something that was never reported about my dad before, and I would know as he gets assessed by his internist and cardiologist regularly. The doctor gave my dad an EKG and now I am trying to get that report to his cardiologist. 

As I was driving home from the doctor's office, I tried calling my dad's cardiologist. I spoke to a nurse, who I wanted to throttle. She did not want to talk to me at first because my dad did not sign the updated form authorizing me to have access to his healthcare. I literally threw my dad on the phone and said to him..... tell her she can talk to me. After he did, the nurse said.... how do I know this is your dad? She was joking, but I did not take it that way. I practically snapped her head off. She apologized and I told her her joke wasn't appreciated or considered funny. 

Needless to say the cardiology office has still NOT received the EKG report. So tomorrow I will have to address this first thing, because I rather hear from my dad's cardiologist that this isn't an issue. Meanwhile, my goal is to get my dad to gain back weight, which won't be easy, because his appetite is no longer what it once was. But I know he loves cheese, bread, and ice cream. So these goodies are coming out daily! 

Monday, February 5, 2024

Monday, February 5, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was 10 months old and fully ON! If you have any doubt, Mattie was looking right at me. We had a special connection with each other! He loved following me around our home in his "tot wheels" walker. Mattie's face always lit up when he was looking at me. It is a feeling and memory I will NEVER forget. 

Quote of the day: I heard somebody define heaven once as a place where, when you get there, all the dogs you ever loved run to greet you. ~ Robert B. Parker

This is one of my favorite photos! Sunny and I touching noses! Sunny in my opinion was part human! He had his own way of communicating, of providing support, and was always gentle and loving! Which is why I always referred to him as "My Gentle Giant." He had a heart of gold and is deeply missed. Our house is very empty without his furry presence. 

As if I am not dealing with enough in my life, I have this chaos. DAILY! My neighbor has a large construction project going on for months. Our street constantly looks like a parking lot, there is continual noise, trash that I am picking up, and frankly if I wanted this level of commotion, I could have stayed in the city. The only thing is in the city, I was surrounded by management of our complex who always listened to me, looked out for our best interest, and truly loved our passion and mission with Mattie Miracle. I miss our city friends!

This is my morning view! Can you see the memorial stone of Sunny on the counter? This stone sits where I used to have all of Sunny's medication bins. I donated all of Sunny's medication back to the Hope Center and in its place, created this little memory area of my Sunny. Now when I sit down for breakfast and dinner, my boy is still looking at me. Just like he used to do when he was alive. 

After dropping my dad off at his memory care center this morning, I came back home and greeted the physical therapist who was going to evaluate my mom today for physical therapy. The evaluation went very well, and my mom liked the therapist. It is a father-son therapy team, where the dad does the evaluation and the son does the actual therapy. I got to know this team, as they have worked with my dad in the past, and they are currently working with him now as well. So basically I have both parents undergoing more therapy! 

Once the therapist left, I juggled several phone calls. I contacted my dad's benefits center, from his former employer. His employer used to provide a health saving account on a yearly basis to cover the costs of some of his care. The former employer has now removed this benefit and instead want to give retirees a Medicare Advantage Plan (MAP). Truthfully I am juggling so much, that I am very grateful to our friend, Phyllis, who lives in Los Angeles. Phyllis is very savvy regarding healthcare benefits. It is thanks to Phyllis that I now have the 411 on MAPs. Which would not be a good match for my dad and his extensive healthcare needs. Any case, I was on the phone for 50 minutes today, trying to talk to a live person. I literally hung up in disgust and will try back later this week. 

From that phone call, I then chatted with the company which hosts our Walk website. It is that time of year in which I have to start revamping that website. I am very familiar with the content on the site, as I have written it over the years, but NOT at all familiar with the technology and what needs to happen to make the site work and go live. Thankfully I have a contact at this company who has worked with me for years. When I get confused, which is often, I reach out to him and today he helped me secure a SSL certificate for the website. A SSL Certificate basically keeps user data secure, verifies ownership of the website, prevents attackers from creating a fake version of the site, and gain user trust. So it is important!

After that call, I then reached out to the infusion center who will work with me on administering Prolia. In comparison to the doctor's office, this infusion center is a peach! They are professional, answer questions, and completely explained my out of pocket costs. Costs which are MUCH lower to me when it is billed as a medical benefit over a pharmaceutical benefit. We are talking a difference of thousands of dollars! It is a good note to self.... if you need a medication, ask the difference in cost to you between it being billed as a pharmaceutical versus medical benefit. 

I received this photo from my new friend from England. She and I are in a support group together and she went to this light festival and wanted to send me a ray of light electronically. Very thoughtful. 

Sunday, February 4, 2024

Sunday, February 4, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old. The beautiful flower pot in front of us was an item that we won during Mattie's preschool auction. It was designed by Mattie's  classroom, because all the children placed their thumb print in paint on the pot. As you can see, Mattie was beaming to know that this flower pot was now in our living room. 

Quote of the day: We are our pet’s heaven, and just because their physical body is no longer alive, it doesn’t mean their soul loves us any less. We are loved from beyond and always will be. ~ Lyn Ragan

It is hard to believe that this week Sunny will be gone from my life for one whole month. Time marches on, but the spirit of this incredible dog lives on forever. I spent several hours outside today and it was very noticeable who was missing. My side kick and buddy! 

After my usual morning routine, I got my dad settled in his chair and then I went to our backyard to do more stick and branch collections. Our property is surrounded by the dirtiest trees... poplars and a huge river birch!

I dragged out our garbage bin to the back and started the massive pick up. Earlier in the week, I removed one big pile and today, I cleaned up another pile. However, we have one gigantic pile left and it will take me a few weeks to break it down, put it in the bin, and have it collected by our trash service. On these 50 degree days, I am inspired to be outside and get yard work done because I know there is one of me, and I have to do it a little bit at a time. 

The two piles of branches and limbs that I cleaned up this week bordered each of my neighbors' properties. I try to think about others all the time, and I know if I lived next door to me, I wouldn't want a direct view of these wood piles. So I was motivated to get this work done. I celebrate all the things I can accomplish, because truthfully there is so much that has to be done. It is like I am holding back the ocean, and I am a dam under distress. 

Other things occurred today, which I am not reflecting upon here. Suffice it to say, I feel very hurt and I will leave it at that.