Saturday, January 13, 2024

Saturday, January 13, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006. Mattie was three and half years old! I can't tell you the transformation Mattie made with water. He went for a baby/toddler who was afraid of it, to a preschool who couldn't get enough bath time. Literally Mattie loved daily baths. I am not sure if he liked the feeling of the water, or he loved bringing his toys into the tub. When I say toys, I don't mean bath toys! Mattie would dump trucks, hot wheel cars, and toy planes in the tub. You name it, if it struck his fancy, in the water it went and Mattie designed intrigue play schemes around them.

Quote of the day: Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring — it was peace. ~ Milan Kundera

Today was Day 3 without my Sunny. Everything about Sunny was unforgettable. His beauty, the softness of his fur, the sheen in his coat, and most importantly his temperament and personality. Sunny lived up to his name. He was pure sunshine and he got along with everyone! But he was also a good judge of character, as he steered away from certain people and dogs. 

Back in 2018, I walked with Sunny to Georgetown to pick up a bunch of Scout bags which were being donated to the Foundation. When the Scout staff saw Sunny, they invited him inside and were eager to take a photo with my buddy! Sunny ate it up and loved the attention! That face is forever etched in my mind and heart. 

After my dad's physical therapist left today, I literally changed right back into my pajamas, got out a heating pad, and sat on the couch all day. I am not feeling like myself physically or emotionally. While on the couch, I put on the 1978 movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Unlike the 1950s version, the 70s version did not end well at all, as I am a big proponent of good always conquers evil. Instead in the 1978 version, evil wins. There is no hope for humanity. Lovely. 

While making dinner tonight, I came across this water bottle in the refrigerator. When I would walk Sunny during the warmer weather months, I always carried water with me and a portable bowl. It was this visual tonight that made me very sad. In fact my routine is all off without Sunny. He isn't watching me cook, he isn't looking at me from the porch, there is no one to share dinner treats with, and the list goes on. Sunny had a way of filling up our home, and it is quieter than ever without his beautiful and loving presence. 

Tonight's pastry treat! I have lost over 20 pounds since Peter has left me and unfortunately given how I am feeling, food doesn't interest me as it once did. 

Friday, January 12, 2024

Friday, January 12, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was two and half years old and I remember this moment in time perfectly. Mattie just finished having a massive tantrum. Mattie's tantrums were intense and they could really get to me at times. However, I learned to remain calm and not to talk until he eventually stabilized. It was in that calm moment, that I lifted Mattie onto the counter and we had a meeting of the minds. After which, I got this cute smile! He was a priceless fellow. 

Quote of the day: If you don't own a dog, at least one, there is not necessarily anything wrong with you, but there may be something wrong with your life. ~ Roger Caras

In 2016, this was the face I saw on Facebook! I fell in love with Sunny's eyes. They practically jumped off the page at me. To me the eyes are indeed the windows of the soul, and I could tell that he was the dog for me. Thank goodness I trusted my gut instinct! It never is wrong and Sunny gave me seven amazing years. Life without him now is far from sunny. Sunny added incredible joy and happiness to our daily life. His sunny deposition had a way of transforming the most difficult of days. He was super sensitive and very intuitive and truthfully at times I felt like I was dealing with a human. I am not sure what part of my day now is the hardest. Definitely coming down the stairs in the morning and not seeing Sunny is horrific. Having breakfast, and not seeing that loving face looking at me is equally hard. But I would have to say I miss our nighttime hugs and cuddles. When everyone would go upstairs at night, this was my special one on one time with Sunny. In difficult moments, of which I have many, I always close my eyes and envision Sunny's beautiful eyes. Some people think of the mountains or the beach as their happy place, mine is remembering those beautiful big brown eyes and how soft and fluffy the fur was around Sunny's neck. UNFORGETTABLE!

I have several blog readers who have put two and two together and others who are just wondering what on earth is going on with me?! Certainly I am a caregiver, which is a role that is all consuming. But caregiving is NOT something new to me. I know what it entails and I am also very good at putting my own needs aside to assist others. What I haven't mentioned on the blog (until now) and won't go into detail for some time, is the simple fact that Peter left me on September 23. We have known each other for 35 years and have been through a lot together. Which is why his separation from me has been absolutely earth shattering. I will leave it at that, as I don't feel comfortable sharing more. But hopefully now that you read my words you can put into context how sad, lost, confused, and hopeless I feel. 

My mom and I went out to lunch today with my friend, Junko. I have known Junko since 2007. Her son and Mattie met one another in summer camp at their elementary school. Mattie was going to begin that school in the Fall of 2007, so I figured sending him to the school's summer camp would help him meet some of his classmates before school began. Mattie was shy coming into new situations, and I remember the first day I dropped him off at camp, he wanted me to come into the school's gym with him. The teacher however, did not want me to do that. By day two, I could tell Mattie was unhappy, so despite what the teacher requested, I marched right into the gym. I scanned around the room and saw most of the kids paired up. Except for one! Junko's son, Kazu. I took Mattie by the hand and went up to Kazu. I basically asked him if he knew anyone in the gym? He said no. So I introduced Kazu to Mattie. I suggested that they stick together that day in camp. Voila.... it worked! They became buddies and of course this is what brought Junko into my life. Isn't it funny how one connection can lead to another. 

Junko has always supported me and was a huge help when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. She would come to the hospital, bring me all sorts of treats and then would give me a neck and back massage. Truthfully all of Mattie's care providers knew Junko and were so grateful for the loving care she provided me. Junko and her mom also assembled 1,000 paper cranes for Mattie (each which comes with a special prayer and blessing). These cranes hung on Mattie's IV pole at every hospital admission. Now these cranes hang in my office. Here we are, 15 years later from Mattie's diagnosis, and once again, Junko is there to support me and to remind me that my friends love me and stand behind me always. 

When I returned home this afternoon, I found this beautiful blanket delivered to my doorstep by my good friend Mary Ann. She said.....

The words on this sunflower blanket are words of strength, of power, of affirmation. You've always had your voice and speak up when wrongs are done, but you've learned in therapy YOU ARE A WARRIOR - use these attributes as you heal and discover that your true friends are here by your side.

This blanket now sits on my side of the couch and the beautiful sunflowers (a forever symbol of Team Mattie) and its meaningful words I will take to heart on my many down moments.   

Junko shared many pastries with us today! Tonight I opted for chocolate. What I do know is I have cultivated the best of friends over my many years on this earth. I have to think that their love, care, and concern are a direct reflection on what I mean to them and what I have hopefully conveyed that they mean to me over all these years. 

Thursday, January 11, 2024

Thursday, January 11, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was a year and a half old and I would say he was Mr. Curious! Curious, but yet had a healthy understanding for danger. As you can see Mattie was reaching for the stove (which wasn't on!), but was looking up at me first! Smart fellow! Because of this, we never really had to child proof our home. But then again, I was never too far away from Mattie for him to get into much trouble. 

Quote of the day: A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. ~ Josh Billings

Today was Day 1 without my Sunny! I had trouble sleeping and woke up at 4am. So much was running through my mind and a part of me was anxious about starting the day without seeing Sunny on our first floor. Every morning, regardless of how sick he was, he always saw me when I came down the stairs in the morning. He was a patient soul, as he knew Indie demanded food as soon as my feet hit the staircase. So Sunny would wait his turn and then look forward to my attention. In fact, as Sunny was getting sicker, he needed more of my time and attention in the morning. Literally I would wake up 45-60 minutes earlier in the morning, before I needed to get in the shower, to help Sunny by coaxing him to eat and take his pills. I miss my buddy, my true companion, and what I notice is now without him in my life, I don't have anything that really forces me to stop, take a minute, and do something other than chores and caregiving. Sunny was therapeutic for me, and I learned this early on as soon as we rescued him. Forget it, HE RESCUED ME! 

There is a part of the Rainbow Bridge poem that I posted last night that always gets to me.... 

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

This portion of the poem highlights the incredible bond between a dog and his/her human perfectly. The dog maybe in heaven and happily playing, but on that fateful day when his human arrives in heaven, the dog comes running to be united with his one true love. Just reading this makes me cry, which I have been doing for two straight days now. Life without Sunny is miserable, as I feel like I lost a part of myself with him.

Two of my friends came over today, they brought lunch, and were supportive. It was a good visit. After they left, I went outside in the backyard to pick up sticks, branches, and tree limbs that fell in the yard from recent wind storms. What I immediately noticed was SUNNY WASN'T THERE! He used to be a permanent fixture on our lawn and if I was outside, sure enough he would be following me as I did chores. Today, like everyday moving forward, I walk alone. Devastated and missing my boy.

Meanwhile the doorbell rang today and I opened it up to find a beautiful flower arrangement from Cheryl, our cousin. She too has a dog named Sunny, and understands the heartbreak of losing a dog. The flowers, including sunflowers, mean so much to me, but it was the sentiments in her card that caught my attention. 

"You make this world a much better place -- Sunny knew this and so do I. You are loved by so many people."

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was a year and half old and as you can see.... he was all business. He absolutely LOVED packing boxes and in so many ways I think he had more fun with them than playing with actual toys! 

In memory of Sunny Brown, who died today at 12:30pm, I post the Beautiful "Rainbow Bridge Poem."

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

===================================

I would like to know why everyone I love leaves me? Today, I lost the best companion a person could ask for. Sunny was in my life for only seven years, but he transformed my life. His unconditional love, happiness and joy to be in my presence and our indescribable bond will remain forever etched in my mind. 

I stayed up until 2am with Sunny last night. He was miserable, couldn't get comfortable, was agitated, and only my presence and head rubs seemed to calm him down. I quarantined Sunny in the kitchen because I couldn't keep up with his vomiting and pooping. I did about seven loads of laundry yesterday, in my desperate attempt to keep him clean and not sitting in a mess. 

At 6am, I came downstairs to find vomit and soiled linens. I cleaned up Sunny, I cleaned the floor and started a load of laundry. As of Tuesday, Sunny consumed NOTHING. No water or food. His breathing was getting labored and his ability to walk was impaired.

Get the picture!? In fact, as death approaches the bodily smells are toxic. Literally I have been smelling them for the last three days. No matter how much I cleaned, this smell seems to linger in my mind and heart. Even tonight, I feel like I still smell these noxious odors. 

Check this out! No matter how sick and debilitated Sunny was, he always kept an eye on me. Not unlike Mattie! Every morning, when I would sit at our breakfast table, Sunny would look deep into my eyes through the sliding glass door. Today was NO different. Sunny and I had a routine. I also prepared homecooked food for him and always made extra for dinner, so I could give him a treat. When I tell you that I am disoriented tonight, I am not kidding. My whole routine is gone! I miss that wagging tail, that loving face, and those soulful eyes. With all the heartache in my life, Sunny was the one constant. The one living thing that loved me for who I was, who stood by my side no matter what. Sunny is irreplaceable. 

But this was how sick Sunny was! He was losing large amounts of blood. The smell was sickening and I was living in gloves and garbage bags since Saturday. I truly worked my tail off, but would do it without complaint, because that is what love is about! Keep in mind that in the midst of this, I was also juggling my parents full time care. 

This morning, Peter loaded Sunny into the back of our car. We put down towels and blankets. The Hope Center was wonderful and they came out with a gurney to help us transport Sunny. We landed up in a private room for the entire process. Putting an animal to sleep is ironically far more humane than watching a human die. Having done through this once before with our cat, Patches, I knew Sunny's death would be peaceful. 

Again, this was the hardest decision I had to make, as saying good-bye to Sunny was torture. I cried my head off all day, and I rarely cry. I have to be completely overwhelmed to let go like this, but frankly at this point, I am in such a low place, emotionally that my will to live is questionable. I live to care for my parents, otherwise, right now I see no purpose. 

Our vet tech, Christi had this quote on the back of her jacket. I asked her to turn around so I could snap a photo. I thought it was beautiful....

We don't know how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have!

I have been so stressed out that I felt both a migraine and an urinary tract infection come on at the same time. I thankfully have friends who are doctors who stepped in to help me and I am hoping the antibiotics kick in because at the moment I am physically and emotionally miserable. 

This evening, I started cleaning out some of Sunny's medicines and canned foods. All of which I will donate to the Hope Center. To me these things do not define Sunny and therefore removing them is not emotionally laden. 

Sunny's tags and collar are now on display in my office and we paid for Sunny to be cremated. His urn will come in the mail and we had to make a split second decision what we wanted written on the plaque. What I finally came up with was "Forever Our Sunman!" Sunny provided sunshine, joy, and happiness to my life. I can't imagine moving forward without his presence in my life. When I tell you I feel heart broken and devastated, I am being quite serious. I feel my heart literally aching over his death. In addition to my grief, Indie (the cat) is hysterical. She is clingy with me all day! Which is unlike Indie. But what I do know is animals are perceptive and she too is experiencing the loss of our Sunman. There is a gapping hole in my heart and our home seems incredibly empty already. 

Tuesday, January 9, 2024

Tuesday, January 9, 2024 -- Mattie died 745 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old and fully on! He desperately wanted to walk and run. Thankfully we found this alternative, "tot wheels." It gave Mattie independent mobility, which he loved. Literally he would follow me all over the townhouse in this gadget! 

Quote of the day: To call him a dog hardly seems to do him justice, though inasmuch as he had four legs, a tail, and barked, I admit he was, to all outward appearances. But to those who knew him well, he was a perfect gentleman. ~ Hermione Gingold

On Labor Day weekend of 2016, Sunny came into our lives. I am NOT sure who rescued who! I found Sunny on Facebook, and we adopted him sight unseen! He was rescued from a high kill shelter in South Carolina. In fact, Sunny was found abandoned on a highway! The adoption process was significant. We had to apply, we had to be interviewed, we had a home inspection from the rescue organization, and our townhouse management had to write a letter in support of our adoption! So this wasn't a light or easy process. But given who entered our world, he was more than worth it! 

Do you believe in love at first sight?! Well I do! I took one look at Sunny's photo on Facebook and fell in love with him. No one seemed to want to adopt him because he was five years old, and people preferred younger dogs. I on the other hand, appreciated a more mature dog who did not need to be house broken and I did not want to contend with the puppy phase of development. 

Sunny was transported to Washington, DC in August of 2016. I was in Los Angeles with my parents and I couldn't pick him up. Thankfully a lovely woman named Leah fostered him for us until we could pick him up. Labor Day weekend we went to Leah's home (and mind you while in LA, she text messaged me photos and updates about Sunny's personality) to meet Sunny and take him home. When we walked into her living room, Sunny approached me first, wagged his tail and was looking for love. We then sat on the floor, and Sunny moved over to Peter and sat right in his lap. I viewed that as a big Sunny approval of both of us. Sunny quickly found his way into our hearts and he because such a vital part of our family that it was hard to imagine life without Sunny. In fact, many times I still have to catch myself, because I have to remember that Mattie never met Sunny. 

One thing that I quickly learned with Sunny was he was a herding dog and I was his sheep! He would follow me all over our townhouse. If I was upstairs, so was he, if I went downstairs, he was right behind me. But no matter the weather, Sunny wanted to get outside and explore. I learned to walk in the rain, snow, freezing cold, and even sweltering heat! I can't tell you how many miles we would walk on a daily basis and how many dogs and their owners I got to know along the way. ALWAYS when walking Sunny in the city people who stop me to say.... you have a beautiful dog! INDEED, inside and out. 

This photo was taken on one of our city walks, in front of the Kennedy Center!

A typical Sunny move... his downward dog! Alerting us he was ready to go for a walk or play!

It is with a heavy heart that I have made the decision to put Sunny to sleep tomorrow. I can't tell you what a horrific decision this has been because I don't want to lose my true companion in life. Loyal, loving, and always happy to have me in his life. 

This morning, I came downstairs and one of our rooms looked like a crime scene. Filled with diarrhea. I smelled the issue before I saw it. In addition, Sunny is profusely vomiting today and is unable to consume water or any food. He is lame, disoriented, and tonight is having labored breathing. Though I can't part with Sunny, my desire for him to have a good quality of life, supersedes my needs. I won't see Sunny suffer any longer than necessary. 

Originally we were going to take Sunny in at 10am on Wednesday. But then I got a call from the vet's office today confirming Sunny's 'physical check up' appointment for noon. I am not sure what made me more upset. The fact that they got the time wrong or the fact that they thought this was a routine visit. Needless to say, I gave the woman on the phone a lesson in empathy and told her the staff needs to do their due diligence. Since I was very clear by email, phone messaging, and in making the appointment that the appointment was to euthanize Sunny. One doesn't need a medical degree to know that Sunny is dying and sensitivity to a pet owner who has used their oncology practice for two years would be appreciated. She got my point and understood that I was upset, as I told her this is the hardest decision a pet owner will ever have to make. 

Please think of our Sunny tomorrow at noon. Sunny and I have very intertwined lives and his pending loss in our home reminds me that this house has brought me nothing but misery. 

Monday, January 8, 2024

Monday, January 8, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was a year and half old. One of the things Mattie loved to do was play with his videos. He would take them out of the cabinet, stack them, and create structures. These video cassettes were like building blocks and toys! Playing with these videos and their boxes were something Mattie did often as he was fascinated at an early age by how things worked and went together. Ironically my brain works very differently from Mattie's, which is why I always say, he was one of my greatest teachers. He taught me so many things beyond my comfort or interest level! 

Quote of the day: Let winter come and live fully inside you, so that you can retrace the loving path of heartbreak that brought you here. ~ David Whyte

I gave Sunny some porch time last night. On the porch, is a big doggie heating pad on the floor, with lots of blankets. At one point, I looked outside and he wasn't on the porch anymore! I panicked. I went looking for him and somehow he managed to get down the stairs and was sitting in the grass, eagerly scanning for foxes. The instinct remains despite the fact that the body is giving out. 

I took a photo of Sunny in our kitchen at bedtime. I got out several of Mattie's fleecy blankets and Sunny is loving them. I sat on the floor for 45 minutes and rubbed his head, ears, and back. This calmed Sunny down significantly. His face is precious to me and no matter how awful he feels, he still responds to me. 

Sunny is unable to move without assistance. Thankfully I have his slings from his orthopedic surgeries to help me assist Sunny. This morning, I celebrated the fact that I got Sunny to drink water, take his pain meds, and eat two slices of deli ham. Later in the day he had a few treats too. But overall, Sunny is not Sunny. 

I took him out to the backyard this afternoon and gave him an hour of freedom. But as it got darker and colder, I picked him up and brought him inside. 

A priceless face! One that I fell in love with on Facebook back in 2016! We have had quite a journey together, he stole my heart back then, and I can't think of life without Sunny. 

This morning, Blanca came over to help me clean the house. She has been a part of our life since 2008, when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. My neighbor paid for her to clean our townhouse, while we were at the hospital. I truly needed her help back then because I was living in chaos. Unfortunately chaos seems to follow me. 

I have tried to listen, take an interest in her family, and help Blanca emotionally over the years. She is astute enough to know that I face one of the hardest times in my life. She wanted me to know today that she thinks I am a very special person. She basically told me that she hasn't met many people like me in her life and she said what I am doing for my parents, most people just won't do. She feels that God is looking over me and trusting in him, is all I can do right now. She wanted me to know that I am never alone, when I have faith. She and I are both Roman Catholics and what this difficult time reminds me is that I am a person of great faith and she and I speak the same language. Of course once Mattie was diagnosed with cancer and then died, my issues with God were understandable. But like I always say, God is strong and can handle whatever we dish out. All this is to say, I always find it amazing when I hear those who I think don't know me well, share insights about me. Blanca is correct, I try to live my life in a manner in which I would want to be treated and have devoted my life to caring for others and supporting them in their life's journey. 

Sunday, January 7, 2024

Sunday, January 7, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was nine months old and was desperate to walk! He wasn't into sitting or crawling. Mattie absolutely loved his "tot wheels" walker. He zoomed around it inside our home and in our commons area of our townhouse. To me this photo is priceless! Mattie was looking up at me while Peter was taking the photo. This was confirmed years ago by a photographer who blew up the photo and low and behold, my image was reflected in Mattie's eyes. These were priceless moments in time, and a much happier phase of my life. 

Quote of the day: You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

I absolutely agree with Stevenson.... all dogs go to heaven. They are God's creatures! God doesn't discriminate or have multiple heavens. There is ONE heaven and thankfully God loves all of us enough to grant us eternal life. We don't have to earn or work for this love, we are given it at birth. Typically I keep my religion to myself, but in times of stress and trauma, my spiritual side will come shining through. I am a 'cradle Catholic,' or so I am called, and proud of it. Catholicism has always guided my life, and as I face the pending loss of Sunny, my world is spinning all around me.

All day yesterday Sunny refused food and his pills. I have had bad moments with Sunny before, but typically I could get him to eat treats or some of his favorite things. NOT true yesterday. Today, when I came downstairs, I noticed that Sunny's back legs gave out on him. Making him "lame." I have had to lift him around the house all day. He prefers to sleep, isn't eating anything, and isn't drinking water. I can't even get his pills down with duck pate. 

Sunny is basically listless and I recall his oncologist telling me that in January I would have to make a difficult decision. Today that message came flooded my thoughts. This is not a good quality of life for Sunny. I wrote to his oncologist this morning and tonight I called the ER. 

I spoke to the ER tech. She was lovely and says the one who ultimately makes this decision is me! I will see how tonight goes. I lifted Sunny outside (thankfully I have all his harnesses from when he had orthopedic surgery), we walked the front yard, he urinated, did some sniffing, and then we went inside. Sunny is disoriented, shaky, and unsteady on his feet. Currently as I write this, Sunny drank some water, and insisted on sitting outside on our deck. I had a large doggie heating pad on the deck, turned up high. He is sitting on it and covered in a blanket. This is his happy place, being outside and with the fresh breezes. I want him to have these happy moments tonight!

Losing a pet is yet another trauma. But for me Sunny symbolizes so so much. He came into our lives in 2016, and he filled our home with love, loyalty, fun, and life. Technically we rescued him, but he truly rescued me. He has been my companion for 7 years and like the cat bonded with Peter, Sunny bonded with me. In fact, whenever I used to fly or have any other unpleasant experience to get through, what I would close my eyes and envision was Sunny's big beautiful eyes. Those eyes are permanently etched into my mind and heart. If you can't tell, I LOVE Sunny.