Saturday, December 23, 2023

Saturday, December 23, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and a live wire. There was no way to contain him to snap a photo, so I got the brilliant plan to dress him in a holiday sweater and we took him to Home Depot. Mattie liked Home Depot, as there was a lot to observe there and the space was wide and open. I can't tell you how many photos we took that day. Thank goodness for digital technology. This was the photo featured on our 2003 family Christmas card. 

Quote of the day: You think the dead we loved truly ever leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly in times of great trouble? ~ JK Rowling

Despite the state that I am in, I have invited a few friends over on Christmas day. I started prepping food today and even started baking a coconut layer cake. What I did not expect was that I received a visit from a family friend. She came and chatted with me and then my mom joined in our conversation. Our friend's thoughtfulness, compassion, concern, and how she values our family was deeply touching to me. 

Later today, there was a package at my door. It was from our cousin who I have gotten to know over the years. Ironically she and I have never met, but we have communicated often and she is a loyal blog reader. Some of my loyal and steadfast blog readers have gotten to know me so well that I don't even need to write about what my issues are.... they know me well enough to put two and two together. I am not sure what I find more touching! The fact that my words and my personal character come shining through or the fact that after all these years, family and friends want to read about my day. Though this blog has become about me since Mattie died, at the heart of my writing is and will always be Mattie. My role as his mom guides my lens and my life and I am thankful that my readers understand the depths of this love and this grief.

I rarely cry. I am not sure why, perhaps it is years of managing constant stress, pressure and grief. Or that when Mattie was ill, I had to learn to put emotions on the back burner in order to help him get through each day. It was my mission and I believe this strategy of coping has become embedded into my DNA. Yet when I read my cousin's message today, I started crying. Crying because though we never met, SHE GOT ME! She knows me, she knows my heart, and she knows what makes me tick. Her words are gifts to me, and in fact, I have kept many of the letters she has written to me over the years. They are in my nightstand and I pull them out during difficult times. The power of words!

What got me in her letter today was................

You have always been a hero to me. You give selflessly to everyone around you and somehow manage to keep giving when there's nothing left to give.

Friday, December 22, 2023

Friday, December 22, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. Mattie was 8 months old and he desperately wanted to learn to walk. In fact Mattie never crawled. But if I held his hands, he would naturally take steps and truly wanted to walk and run. However, Mattie did things at his own pace and I learned to follow his lead rather than freak out about benchmarks in parenting books. 

Quote of the day: Today me will live in the moment, unless it's unpleasant. In which case me will eat a cookie. ~ The Cookie Monster

All I can say is I have the best friends. This morning, after dropping my dad off at the memory care center and going grocery shopping, I came home to a doorstep filled with gifts. I call my friend, Carolyn, Santa Claus. She thought of me, my parents, Sunny, and Indie. This season I have hit an all time low, and yet I have friends reminding me that I am important and special in their lives. I can't tell you how meaningful these connections are to me in general, but now I need support more than ever. 

This afternoon, I checked the doorstep and saw this Spoonful of Comfort box. This gift was sent to me by my friend Margy's sister. Margy died from ovarian cancer in 2021 and Mattie Miracle works hard at keeping her legacy alive through our M&M (Margy and Mattie) Wishes program. This Christmas each of Margy's sisters sent me a gift. This loving gift is from her sister, Nancy. Her other two sisters gave me the beautiful rosemary plant above. It is my Christmas tree this year. 

Inside this lovely box, was all sorts of gifts and goodies! However, what is equally noteworthy is how beautifully everything is displayed!

All of the boxes inside the bigger box. 

Each box has a cute or meaningful quote. This one says, One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats.

I used this cookie monster quote to start off tonight's blog. There is something to be said of the therapeutic value of a cookie. 

This quotes says, We can not all do great things, but we can do small things with great love. 

Our friend, Marie, in California sent us these homemade gingerbread cookies. Marie knows how much I love gingerbread, and literally every year, she mails us a box! A holiday highlight. 

My friend Ann and her family came over to visit us this evening. She had a cookie exchange at her house, so she brought me a whole bunch of wonderful cookies. For the most part I prefer to be isolated and alone now, but this evening's visit was a good distraction. There was conversation about all sorts of topics and for a while, it helped me forget about my enormous problems. 

Thursday, December 21, 2023

Thursday, December 21, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken on December 5, 2002. It was Mattie's first Christmas. We had a dusting of snow that day, and I thought it would make the perfect backdrop for our first family Christmas card. I dressed Mattie up in his Santa suit, dragged out his entertainment saucer and we started to snap photos. I can't tell you how many photos we took that day, this being one of them. It wasn't the one that made it to the front of the card, but nonetheless it was still precious! If you are wondering who Mattie was looking up at it, it was me. He tracked my every move!

Quote of the day: Grief, I now understand, is a sort of madness, in the same way that falling in love is madness. ~ Patrick Swayze

It is 8:30pm and it is the first time I am sitting down to catch up on the day. It has been non-stop today with chores, tasks, demands, and the list goes on. I would have to say as Christmas is approaching, my feelings of sadness and feeling isolated have doubled. I have survived a lot in my life, but this Fall and approaching Winter are one of the darkest in my life. This afternoon, I took my parents out to eat because I just couldn't stay home one more minute. While out, I saw decorations, friends and families gathering at the restaurant, and none of this brought me joy or happiness. Instead, it made me further depressed. By the time I got my parents back in the car, I truly wasn't sure if it was worth making it through another day. 

I can only hope that with tomorrow, a wake up with a different lens and outlook. 

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. It was Mattie's first experience with SNOW! We had snow the first week of December that year. I opened our front door and Mattie used his 'tot wheels' to mobilize into action to check out the white stuff. As you can see, he proceeded with caution and wanted to make sure I was right behind him. There were many firsts for Mattie within our home in the city and I remember each and every moment. 

Quote of the day: Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart. ~ William Hannan

It was a whirlwind of a day. After dropping off my dad at this memory care center, my mom and I drove to Alexandria, VA to have a photo opportunity with the president of the US Senate Federal Credit Union, Tim Anderson. Peter and I met with Tim last year. He is a class act and I am thoroughly impressed with his organization's philanthropic  commitment to the community. 

The Credit Union is located in a stunning building and everyone working there, seems happy to be there. So unusual in today's day in age. We had a lovely chat with Tim and his staff and took several photos. 

After the photo with the big check, we took a photo with the real check! We are grateful for their $10,000 donation, and as I told Tim today, this money goes a long way with Mattie Miracle!

The three of us!

After our trip to the bank, I drove to Mattie's school because I did not want Christmas to pass without decorating his tree. It is a tradition, and traditions to me are important. 

I cleaned up the tree, put on new ribbons and added 12 Christmas ornaments. 

The tree has metal butterflies on it, orange awareness ribbons, and countless other items! 

The school is working on a new memorial plaque as this one has worn away and the children during recess destroyed the plaque's stand. 

Can you see this moon themed ornament? It says love you to the moon and back! Something I would say to Mattie often!

Mattie's tree! 

I wish I could say that this is where my day ended! Sunny had his monthly oncology appointment today. Unfortunately I learned that the chemo he is on isn't working. Sunny has also been bleeding from his anus. I was aware of this, but frankly I think I was in denial and told myself that it was a hemorrhoid from all his diarrhea. But the sore on his back end is not a hemorrhoid, but an external tumor. In any case, the vet feels that Sunny is in pain. So as of tonight, Sunny is now on pain meds. We are going to try another chemo starting tomorrow, but the vet is preparing me to make some difficult decisions in the New Year. When I tell you that I can't handle one more issue or loss, I am NOT kidding. There is just so much one individual can bear! 

This photo was taken in June of 2021. We closed on the house that month and were working on renovating it. I snapped this photo of Sunny in his new backyard. Life was much happier back then and wish I could reverse the hands of time.  

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

Tuesday, December 19, 2023 -- Mattie died 742 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. Mattie was 8 months old. Being his first Christmas, I wanted to capture a good picture of him to feature on our family Christmas card. I can't tell you how many photos we took that year. This being one of them. I did select a different photo for the card, but this one is still one of my favorites. 

Quote of the day: And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it though, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm is all about. ~ Haruki Murakami

When I lived in Washington, DC, I always said that our living room was like a room with a view. It had a big picture window in it and over the winter, we'd bring in all our plants and stage them by that window. I love seeing greenery in the winter, and this week I went to pick up a few indoor plants because unfortunately my spider plants (which I had for years) died, as did my huge Christmas cactus. My former Christmas cactus was enormous and so hardy, but I accidently left it outside this fall and it froze and died. I have no idea why that was so upsetting to me, but it was. 

This week, I decided to plant a new Christmas cactus and some other green friends, in hopes of brightening up our space in these cold winter months ahead. 

Tomorrow I am going to a check presentation at a bank in Alexandria, VA. This bank became a community sponsor of Mattie Miracle last year, and I am grateful that they are continuing their incredible support this year. I put together three little gifts for the president and his staff. 

The final product! I learned how to use cello wrap from doing countless raffle baskets for the Foundation over the years! It is a skill that has come in handy!

Monday, December 18, 2023

Monday, December 18, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. This was Mattie's first Christmas with us. He was 8 months old and sitting in his less than favorite chair. Unlike me, Mattie wasn't wild about eating, he did not take much interest in food, which therefore made meal times super challenging. Nonetheless, his favorites were oatmeal, sweet potatoes, by the time he turned a year old and could digest dairy.... he became a yogurt fan! You would be amazed what I could hide in yogurt, like meat and vegetables!

Quote of the day: We have trauma, and we have grief. People die, and we find it baffling. Painful. Inexplicable. Grief is baffling. There are theories on how we react to death, how we cope, how we handle loss. Some believe the range of emotions mourners experience is predictable, that grief can be monitored, as if mourners are following a checklist. But sorrow is less of a checklist, more like water. It's fluid, it has no set shape, never disappears, never ends. It doesn't go away. It just changes. It changes us. ~ Mira Ptacin

I was up at 5:30am. As soon as I wake up, I quickly check my emails and text messages. I noticed an email alert from the company which manages our Foundation website. The message said that our domain was going to expire in two days if we did not pay the bill. I recently updated credit card information at this site, so I was perplexed. Mind you 5:30am is not my best hour. 

I quickly got myself downstairs, fed Indie, and jumped on the computer. Fortunately clicked through the link to pay the bill and things did not make sense to me. There was an amount, like 16, but instead of it written as $16, it said, 16$. I then noticed that the organization listed an address in Luxemburg. Naturally I did not proceed. I had the where with all, to log into the portal of our web host service and check out our account. I did not see any invoice or that our site was going to expire. But it freaked me out so much that I wanted to get in touch with a live person. 

When I tell you I wasted 20 minutes trying to locate an actual telephone number to call, I am NOT kidding. Instead, I kept being routed over to a web-bot. Totally not helpful. Finally I came across a number, and I assure you this number is now programmed into my cell phone because I never want to waste time again trying to find help! 

Thankfully the woman who helped me at 6am, was lovely. She walked me through the process and we checked my account together. She was a God sent. I can't tell you how unnerving it was to receive such a scam that early in the morning. It left me feeling very vulnerable and upset, and yet I had no time to process that because if I stop functioning, my house comes to a grinding halt. 

The fraudulent email made me conclude that is there is evil in this world and it is all around us. Yet there are angels in disguise as well and when I interact with people who are honest, kind, open, and caring, it restores my faith in humanity. 

Sunday, December 17, 2023

Sunday, December 17, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old. I was determined to capture a photo of Mattie for the front of our Christmas card that year. However, Mattie did not like sitting still. So that day we took him to both Home Depot and Lowes so that he could look at all the Christmas lights and displays. The hope was while in the shopping cart, we could snap a photo. I do not know how many photos we took that day! This was one of them. It did not make it to the front of our card, none the less, it is precious to me! Look at that sweet face looking at displays in amazement. Mattie's expression says it all. 

Quote of the day: Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle. ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

This afternoon, I took my parents out to lunch. We go to the same restaurant every Sunday. While dining out, there was a group of 8 women sitting together. In fact, I would say there were many groups of people out and about today celebrating Christmas. Naturally while looking at these groups, what came to my mind was.... I used to be one of these people. Now I hardly know that we are in the month of December. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all in my heart or spirit. 

Back to this group of women. They were noticeable because they came in well dressed, happy, and bearing gifts. They each laid out gifts in front of each place setting. They did this in a beautiful fashion. So festive and they seemed to love their time together. At one point, I happened to look over to the table, and I noticed one woman crying. She had her head down at the table and wasn't making a sound, but was visibly crying. What unfolded next was something I will never forget. One by one, each woman at the table got up. No one said a word! They just went over to the crying woman and either put their hand on her or arms around her. By the time they were finished, the table was huddled around this young woman. I have no idea what the exact issue was and truthfully that is not why I bring this up. 

Why I am elaborating on what I saw was because I found it profoundly touching, and extremely meaningful. As a person who lives with intense grief and trauma, I know first hand that words can be meaningless when suffering. The actions of these women today illustrated to me their depths, sensitivity and compassion. It takes a lot of inner strength when seeing someone in pain not to say something. To deliver a platitude. My favorites (and I am being sarcastic!). I would say it takes courage and strength to just sit there in someone else's pain and to let them know you have no judgment but are there for them. It was a beautiful Christmas sight and my wish and hope is that each one of us have such a circle of friends in one's life.