Saturday, November 30, 2024

Saturday, November 30, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was home for Thanksgiving and this hospital bed was in our living room, as Mattie was recovering from limb salvaging surgery. It was a rough Thanksgiving holiday at home. Within moments of horror, were more peaceful moments like this one. As you can see Nurse Patches (our cat!) was on the seen and keeping close to Mattie. She was the best cat and knew how much Mattie was loved. The grey Lightning McQueen blanket that was covering Mattie, remains in the back of my car, even today. 

Quote of the day: To be soul broken is to be filled with anguish that is brought on by the loss of our love, our relationship, and ourselves, and, often it is void of validation. If you know this pain, my deepest sympathies to you, not only for your loss but for how you've been hurting. ~ Stephanie Sarazin

Given that I have been writing this blog for 16 years now, daily without a break, this should tell you how attached I get to people in my life. The loss of Mattie was and will forever remain devastating. I write this blog to keep his memory, his life, and legacy alive, as well as to share his amazing spirit with others. I tell you this because this should give you some idea about how I feel about Peter's abandonment and divorce. I don't let things go! Wish I were that kind of person who could, but when I love you, that love is not conditional and it isn't finite. Which is why I remain in a constant state of disbelief, of confusion, and with a whole range of emotions that this love could be so easily discarded! 

This morning I was determined to put my fall decorations away and to get out Christmas. What could take me and Peter a few hours to do, can take me a whole day. Why did I decorate? I have no idea! Certainly not for me. I am doing it for my parents. After Mattie died in 2009, there were no decorations in our house again. I started decorating again in 2021, when we moved into this house. There are several places within the house that I love to decorate for each season. This is one of them. 

This faux tree came from Los Angeles. My mom and I bought it together when the clothing store, Coldwater Creek, closed down. It was one of their store decorations. I haven't been able to locate this tree for over a year. I found it about a week ago, after climbing up to the garage crawl space. Keep in mind that last year, I did not put up any kind of tree. 

Many of the ornaments on the tree came from the Christmas tree we assembled in the hospital in 2008 for Mattie. Mattie was so thrilled to have his own tree and because it meant so much to him, I kept every ornament from that tree!  

I absolutely love this wreath. I had credit card points and decided to use it to purchase this wreath. I love the colors, the red roses, the gold, and the fact that it lights up!

This German Christmas carousel belonged to Peter's grandmother. She gave it to Peter's mom, and his mom gave it to me. I can't tell you how many Christmases I can remember at my in-laws over the years, with this carousel as the center piece of the dining table! I can't believe that all I have left are memories and things. All the Santas next to the Carousel were mine from when I was a child. Mattie LOVED playing with them! 

This stained glass light up Christmas tree also came from my mother in law. She used to keep in our room at her house. It was our Christmas night light. It now belongs to me. Along with many of my mother in law's ceramic British cottages. 

This table has something of mine, something of my mom's and something of my mother in law's. Three generations represented here! 

Friday, November 29, 2024

Friday, November 29, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Peter and Mattie had a tradition.... the day after Thanksgiving, they would get out Christmas lights and decorate our commons area. In theory, this area did not belong to us, but no one ever complained. In fact, neighbors would tell me that our lights brightened their winter nights. That year, the boys went out and purchased a new addition to the light display.... a big Scooby Doo! 

Quote of the day: The hard truth of the dissolution of a marriage is that, while it takes two to say “I do,” it takes only one to say “I don’t. ~ Nicole Sodoma

When I was getting my doctoral degree, I worked for the university and in turn they paid for my tuition. One of my many jobs that I performed for my department was communicating with students and alums. I can't tell you how many mass mailings I coordinated. I was the queen of administrative work! The joke in the department was.... does Vicki ever sleep?

Fortunately I have these skills and these experiences, because they are needed ten fold to run Mattie Miracle. For two days, I have been working on labeling, stuffing, and stamping our holiday mass mailer. I finished the process at midnight! Another large task is now behind me!!!

I took my parents out today to celebrate my mom's birthday. This is a family run restaurant for 75 years! Peter and I used to frequent this restaurant on my birthday and our anniversary. What struck me as soon as I saw this photo, was we have an empty chair at our family table. I have had to adjust for 15 years, after the death of Mattie, to have a seat at the table empty. Now I have two, Mattie and Peter. 

Though I hated that cancer took Mattie from me, I understood this on some level..... a disease, which I couldn't control, killed Mattie. But what explains Peter's disappearance? What explains Peter abandoning me and starting a new life with another woman? Frankly there will NEVER be an explanation to this that makes sense to me, and trust me, I could write a dissertation on this subject matter, given the amount of time that this nightmare consumes my existence. 

My mom and I started with a trio of salmon. 

We then had a salad.

Rockfish!

They brought my mom this wonderful pumpkin mousse cake to celebrate her birthday! 

A buche de noel! 

When I look around the restaurant and see other couples and families eating together, I wonder..... are their lives as decimated as mine? How I long for a normal existence, a stable marriage, and the same love and loyalty that I provided Peter, to be returned to me. 

What dawned on me tonight is now that we are divorced and he has moved on with his "happy" life, I will never hear from him again. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were in my shoes?

Thursday, November 28, 2024

Thursday, November 28, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was home for Thanksgiving, between hospital admissions. His school counselor sent him this turkey hat. Mattie put it on his head and I was so captured by my little turkey that I snapped a photo. To this day, I still love this photo. Given all that Mattie was facing, the fact that he could smile, play, and love life was a testament to his spirit and character. 

Thanksgiving 2008, was a difficult holiday. Mattie was recovering from multiple limb salvaging surgeries, our home looked like a hospital, and it was very evident that Mattie exhibited PTSD symptoms. Truly it was very overwhelming and we did not have our hospital support team to assist us. In fact, Mattie's doctors downplayed what I was reporting over the phone, until a few weeks later, Mattie returned to the clinic for a medical appointment and they got to see these symptoms for themselves. It was on that day that I demanded a psychiatric consult and his doctors couldn't deny that this was very needed. 

Quote of the day: Families splitting are like earthquakes. Yes, they are happening every day all over the world, but that doesn't make them any less shocking when they happen to you. ~ Jenna Evans Welch

Last night I couldn't sleep. So after my parents went to sleep, I decided to start working on the Foundation's December mass mailing. I have worked on all the pieces for this mailing for months, so now thankfully, I can focus on assembly. I absolutely hate peeling off mailing labels from the Avery sheets. They are close to impossible to do neatly and it isn't like I have only twenty or so to do, I have hundreds. Any case, after working last night and this morning on that task, all envelopes are addressed. I begin stuffing envelopes and stamping them tonight. Would I like a day where I am not working? Absolutely! It isn't going to happen, so I no longer wish or even have that desire. When you have been abandoned and left to manage the tasks of ten people, you have two alternatives.... give up completely or press on. 

I think what wore on my mind last night was that I was facing another holiday without Peter. Last Thanksgiving, I did not understand the full scope of the problem! Mainly because I trusted Peter implicitly and thought we were in a stable, committed, and happy marriage. Therefore I was under some sort of delusion that with time away, Peter would regroup and return home. I do think that would have eventually happened, if he hadn't met up with this other woman. This woman has provided Peter an escape from reality, an escape from his responsibilities, and together they have manufactured things about me and my marriage, which would enable him to walk away, jump into a relationship while married, and create a new life. What I have endured for a year and a half is like the script of a bad TV movie. 

When I have a minute to myself, which is usually at night, the reality of my existence becomes apparent. Given how this has left me, there was no way I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner today, I wasn't in the mood to socialize, and frankly I am not sure I will ever feel stable again. I have been betrayed, abandoned, and left to deal with the impossible alone. 

When I was a child, holidays were very special in my family. Family and friends would gather at our home, and my grandmother (who lived with us), always created amazing meals. We would sit around for hours talking, eating, and then playing a card game called Cuckoo. Cuckoo, is an Italian card game that's over 300 years old. It's played with a special pack of 40 cards, and two to twenty players. Each player receives only one card, and the goal is to be the player with the highest valued card. Since I was the child at the table, I had relatives that somehow made sure that I was always the one left with the highest valued card! 

These were special times and special memories. But holidays do not have that same joy or magic anymore. Between Mattie dying and Peter divorcing me, holidays mean nothing. 

My dad asked me literally forty times today whether it was Thanksgiving! Though he has cues all around him, he can't process them anymore. I took my parents out today for a Thanksgiving feast. We had a lovely meal. While dining at the restaurant, we were in a room with only parties of 3 to 4 people. I couldn't help but wonder... what was everyone's story? 

The family of four behind us were having an argument. The mother said that everyone else dining around them looked engaged in conversation, yet her family had nothing to say to each other. The father responded by saying.... we are always together, so naturally we have nothing to talk about. Needless to say, the dialogue behind me caught my attention. 

The turkey was amazing and believe it or not, I practically ate this entire plate! I love Thanksgiving food so much that I could probably eat it daily. Our server, and friend, Cheryl was telling me that this is one of the first years she has worked Thanksgiving, where a good percentage of people weren't ordering turkey or ham. But fish and steak! Interesting. 

My dad wanted ham!

My mom and I split a piece of pumpkin pie and a piece of apple pie. I asked where the pies came from, because I could tell they were very homemade. The pies came from Clement's bakery in Hyattsville, MD. If this bakery was closer, I would be visiting. Truly the best pies I have tasted in a long time. The crust was so light and flakey and the consistency of the apples and pumpkin were dreamy. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2024

Wednesday, November 27, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old. That Thanksgiving we drove up to Connecticut and celebrated the holiday with Peter's family. In this photo was Peter's maternal grandmother, Gladys. Gladys was a spit fire and we took to each other like ducks to water. We both were strong women, who spoke our minds. Gladys loved Mattie! But as you can see, Mattie was in no mood to sit still. He wanted to run around and was working his way right out of my arms! 

Quote of the day: In the same way, gasping for air underwater, is like giving love to someone who doesn’t want it; you’ll drown inevitably. All you can do is hold your breath and find your way to the surface. ~ Mischa Street

This was Thanksgiving in 2019. We were living in our townhouse in Washington, DC. Pictured at the table were Peter's parents, my friend Ilona and her husband, and our God daughter, Charlotte and her parents. This was what life used to look like for me. When I was part of a family. I can't tell you how many meals and big dinners I cooked over the course of my married life. Thankfully I took after my grandmother, as cooking comes naturally to me and I love food. So I can cook small or I can cook big. No problem! Even in a small kitchen. If someone would have told me that five years later, I would be divorced, I would have thought that was ridiculous. Totally unheard of, and NOT possible!

Being part of a family has meant a great deal to me over the course of my adult life. Maybe that is because I do not have siblings, or maybe it is because we moved away from New York (my home) when I was 14 years old. That geographic distance of living in California did sever many relationships. Therefore, to me being married, having a husband, and being a part of something bigger than myself, was something I valued, and served as the foundation of my existence. 

Since I was a child, one of the things that defined me was my connections to people. I always take the time to get to know who ever I am interfacing with. I listen, ask questions, and I am genuinely interested in people's lives, concerns, and feelings. You know the Peanuts cartoon, with Lucy, who sits at a booth, and listens to problems for a nickel? Well I am Lucy, but without the can for nickels. Because of my deep commitment, love, and emotional investment with Peter and my marriage, his decision to leave me and start a new life, with another woman is mortally wounding. When I tell you that this is all my mom and I can talk about, practically each minute of every day, I am not kidding you. My house is traumatized with what has happened and what I also have to come to terms with is that I have been lied to for a year and a half, or maybe longer. For over a year, I was told that my fears and observations that Peter was connected to this other woman was all in my head. At times I felt like I was Ingrid Bergman in the movie Gaslighting. Despite the best efforts to make me feel like I am going crazy, that I am the controlling one, and that I am the one with the issues, the truth is finally OUT! 

Given what I have been living with for over a year, I am still well grounded, very much in touch with reality, and as my therapist says all the time.... the average person would not have faired as well as me. That what I have endured would have caused a mental breakdown. The jury is still out, because this could indeed still break me.

Today I went for my annual eye exam. I hate these exams, mainly because I had trouble seeing for about six hours after having those horrid drops in my eyes. Yet as soon as the exam was over, I had to drive home, do chores, and then take my mom out. There is no time for rest, no time to just be, and God forbid my needs come first. My needs have always come last, and I have always put the needs of other first. See where that got me. 

While having tea with my mom, Starbuck's was featuring the music from Wicked. I understand this musical was made into a movie, and if my parents weren't in my care, I would go see it. I am the only one in my family who loved the musical. I saw it twice. Perhaps I love it because of the psychological nature of trying to understand how the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz became Wicked. I remember when I was teaching at the university level, I used to remind my students all the time, that under the right circumstances, anyone could be pushed to the edge. Any one could become... fill in the blank... mentally ill, addicted to a substance, commit a crime, and well you get my point! 

Any case, below is one of my favorite songs from Wicked, Changed for the Better. I am a big fan of Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel! I used to believe that some people do come into our lives and can change it for the better. Now of course I am simply disillusioned because the person I loved, trusted, and valued most in the world is not only gone, but has treated me in such a disrespectful and cruel manner. I may not be turning GREEN (like the witch), but I can definitely see how one too many traumas or griefs can CHANGE your life forever.

  

Tuesday, November 26, 2024

Tuesday, November 26, 2024 -- Mattie died 790 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was recovering from multiple limb salvaging surgeries. Literally the only limb that wasn't operated on was his left leg. That leg was nick named "Curious George," like the book character. That left leg and toes, acted like an arm and fingers. It was amazing to see how Mattie compensated for not having use of his other limbs. Who knew a toe could operate like a finger and move a computer mouse around the screen! Truthfully this is a photo that will always symbolize courage, strength, and determination.

Quote of the day: I was in love with who I wanted him to be. Not who he was. ~  Susan Mallery

This morning I got up and went outside in my pajamas and a jacket. I started picking up sticks and branches all over the backyard. I picked up two large stacks from wind storms. While I was out there, I saw the gardeners arrive to start leave blowing. This is a large job! One that I wish I could do myself, but I am a realist. 

Today was my mom's 89th birthday. I tried hard to make the day as nice as possible for both of my parents. I bought several poinsettia plants for my mom. I figured this would work out better than flowers, as we would have these pretty plants for the Christmas season. 

I took my parents out to lunch and our server (who we have gotten to know well), Tammy, brought this over to my mom to celebrate her day! 

For the most part, I tried to keep the day light, but of course we just can't do it. The profound destruction of my life is always prevalent. I just can't get over that Peter did not send my mom or me a message today in honor of my mom's birthday. It is as if we no longer exist. Me and my family have been permanently erased. I can't tell you how painful this is, especially when my devotion and love for Peter were unwavering over all these years. I gave a piece of myself to someone who truly thought very little of me. He may have said, written, and acted one way toward me, but unfortunately he has ripped the rose colored glasses from me and have to accept this was all an act. It wasn't truthful. It wasn't how Peter really felt. In fact the new Peter is someone I neither admire nor recognize. The Peter I knew, the Peter who I experienced, would NEVER EVER disrespect or cause me harm. So it is very hard absorbing the fact that I am experiencing two different people.

This evening when I got home, I found this huge leaf pile in front of our house. There is no way I could have moved all those leaves myself, much less even if I did, what on earth would I have done with them???

This evening, several friends mentioned they sent my mom a birthday email! However, she said she did not receive them. That sent me down a rabbit hole for an hour. Her email wasn't working on her phone. Remember I am NOT a technology person! All of this stuff makes me super edgy. Any case, I kept at it and finally got her reconnected. In the past this would have been something I would have asked Peter to help me with. Now forget it, if I have a problem, I am on my own. As he has no interest in helping me virtually or in person. What an amazingly sad commentary to my marriage and my life. The worst part is he left, abandoned me, and started up a new relationship, without ever first trying to communicate his issues with me and explore martial counseling to address these issues. Instead he just checked out, moved on with a younger woman, and I am expected to just suck it up, smile, and understand it all. I don't get it, I won't get it, and as I always say.... Mattie sees it all and he isn't happy!

Monday, November 25, 2024

Monday, November 25, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie had his first limb salvaging surgery and was in the hospital recovering. As you can see, his right leg was wrapped and braced. Though our room was the size of a postage stamp, Mattie was a popular fellow. I know this photo was taken on a Friday, because the university's chemistry club visited the children on Fridays. Mattie LOVED this club! They did many hands on activities and it was both entertaining and educational. Mattie truly admired Chris, the club's president. If Mattie wasn't well enough to go to the playroom with the other children, the Club came to Mattie. I will always been grateful and in awe of hospital volunteers. I am not sure they know how much their visits transform patient and family lives! But when the Club visited, we took a pause from cancer treatment, care, and fears and just bonded as a family over the activity. 

Quote of the day: She wonders when he will stop texting her proof of life. Perhaps that will be the true end of the marriage, when they no longer need to know: Are you still alive? ~ Alison Espach

Am I still alive? Does it matter? An excellent point and an excellent question. When Peter walked out the door on September 23, 2023, I was confused, distraught, and in shock. Frankly I may never get over these feelings, as I wake up and go to sleep with the same despair. When not in despair, then I am having panic attacks. I would love five hours without feeling like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. 

I think one of the hardest things (and I have a long list) to adjust to is the lack of communication. The radio silence. I have dealt with this for a year now. It is disconcerting and perplexing, since we have been inseparable since we were 19 years old. How is it that I am concerned about Peter's well-being, how he is spending his days, is he well, is he taking care of himself, what is he eating, how is he living, and the list goes on! Stupid me, when Peter walked out on me, I was so concerned for him that for months, I would cook extra food, leave it in our garage refrigerator and would text message him to pick it up when we weren't home. It is very difficult to go from loving and deeply caring about someone, to nothing! My brain can't process this, can't understand it, and worse not only don't I understand it, I am mortally wounded that now someone else is fulfilling my role. What does this woman know about Peter? Sure she knows him for a year, but a year isn't 35 years! NO ONE knows Peter better than me. I know the good, the beautiful, and the ugly. I do not care what connection one thinks one has with someone for over a year, there is no comparison. PERIOD! 

This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I had to go to the post office to mail a letter. While there, I decided to check the postage for the Foundation's mass mailer. I am so paranoid now, that I check and double check things. THANK GOODNESS. When the postal worker weighed the Foundation's mass mailer envelope, she told me I had the wrong postage! Truly I thought I was going to lose it! When I returned home, after my mom's physical therapy session was complete, I whisked her into the car, and we drove 30 minutes to the Foundation's post office in Arlington, VA. I know all the postal workers in this branch. Good old Darryl, he was there to help me. Darryl has helped me with every mass mailing, over these last 15 years. 

Darryl intervened, switched the stamps I bought for the stamps that I actually need and then told me when I bring in all the envelopes in a week or so, to specifically hand them to him and he will personally hand cancel each envelope. Truly this man is an angel! Thankfully I am paranoid, because imagine if I mailed hundreds of envelopes with the wrong postage?! Got to love the person who sold me the wrong stamps. 

Later in the day, I came home with my parents and I was wound up like a top. It was a beautiful weather day, so I headed outside with my greens barrel. I "murdered" our Crape Myrtle out front (I do this to produce better blooms in the coming year--- I know it is a controversial process, but two of our trees are so close to the house, that murdering them I have found keeps them a smaller size and they grow fuller in the spring and summer) and then pulled out a very tall ladder and started cleaning out the gutters. Though our gutters are covered, I couldn't get over the debris and dirt on top of the gutter protectors. It was disgusting. I can only reach some of the gutters even with a tall ladder, so I can see I am going to have to find someone to help me, because I can see debris sitting there won't be good for the roof. 

This was my mom on her birthday in 2022. My dad and I took her to the Ritz Carlton for high tea! It was a happier moment in our lives! When I thought we were an intact family and that I had a devoted and loving husband. 

Tomorrow, my mom will turn 89 years old. I am taking my parents out to lunch tomorrow and Friday to celebrate. When I look at my mom in this photo and compare it to how she looks now, you can see a big difference. 

I do think the toll of my divorce is huge on my parents and it saddens me that after they loved and supported Peter over these 35 years, that they no longer matter to him. It also saddens me that in the last chapter of their lives that they should be alive to see me torn apart and devastated beyond description. 

Sunday, November 24, 2024

Sunday, November 24, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and FULLY on! It wasn't unusual for us to dance together! Peter captured this precious moment in time! I remember the good, the bad, and the horrible. But the worst part of all of this is this cutie is no longer alive. I am quite certain if Mattie were alive, my life would look very different. I may have lost my husband (HIS CHOICE!), but the bond between a mother and child remains forever. 

Quote of the day: At our wedding, our college creative writing professor read a poem—John Ciardi’s “Most Like an Arch This Marriage.” It’s a poem about imperfection, about being more together than we can be on our own: “Most like an arch—two weaknesses that lean / into a strength. Two fallings become firm.” Being married isn’t being two columns, standing so straight and tall on their own, they never touch. Being married is leaning and being caught, and catching the one who leans toward you. ~ Maggie Smith

What a lovely analogy! I too thought I found my ARCH. The person who would lean in and catch me in times of stress and crisis. It never would have dawned on me that I did not have an ARCH, much less a spouse who didn't truly love me. After all, if our love was real, there would be no way Peter could have left me at a time in my life when I truly need emotional support. Caring for two 89 year olds is no easy task, and given the fact that Peter wanted my parents to move in with us, I figured that meant he was behind me and ready to step in when I needed a break. Not only did that not happen, instead, he decided to abandon me, but not just abandon me, but in the cruelest possible manner. It would never have occurred to me that Peter would betray me and get involved with another woman. I am not sure I will ever recover from the gaslighting, lies, and being treated like someone who is a piece of garbage. In fact, I care for my garbage better than what I have endured for this last year and a half. SO NO, I am not okay, and NO I may not be okay for a very long time. 

My goal today was to finish the Foundation's mailing labels for our holiday mass mailer. I have everything ready to go, but needed the labels. Prepping for this mass mailing isn't easy as it means getting Foundation envelopes, the letter printed, stamps, labels, and post it notes. My least favorite activity is scrubbing our database to generate labels. Last year was the first time I had to convert an excel spreadsheet to mailing labels. It was no picnic to figure out. This year, I reminded myself that I could do this, that I did it last year. Again it wasn't an intuitive process, but low and behold, mailing labels are printed out and I will begin the whole stuffing, sealing, and labeling process next week. As my goal is to get envelopes out by the beginning of December. So I am on track. Not sure how I have done any of this when I have constant panic attacks, intense despair, and non stop caregiving. 

This was the highlight of my day! If I could, I would eat ice cream daily.