Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and FULLY on! It wasn't unusual for us to dance together! Peter captured this precious moment in time! I remember the good, the bad, and the horrible. But the worst part of all of this is this cutie is no longer alive. I am quite certain if Mattie were alive, my life would look very different. I may have lost my husband (HIS CHOICE!), but the bond between a mother and child remains forever.
Quote of the day: At our wedding, our college creative writing professor read a poem—John Ciardi’s “Most Like an Arch This Marriage.” It’s a poem about imperfection, about being more together than we can be on our own: “Most like an arch—two weaknesses that lean / into a strength. Two fallings become firm.” Being married isn’t being two columns, standing so straight and tall on their own, they never touch. Being married is leaning and being caught, and catching the one who leans toward you. ~ Maggie Smith
What a lovely analogy! I too thought I found my ARCH. The person who would lean in and catch me in times of stress and crisis. It never would have dawned on me that I did not have an ARCH, much less a spouse who didn't truly love me. After all, if our love was real, there would be no way Peter could have left me at a time in my life when I truly need emotional support. Caring for two 89 year olds is no easy task, and given the fact that Peter wanted my parents to move in with us, I figured that meant he was behind me and ready to step in when I needed a break. Not only did that not happen, instead, he decided to abandon me, but not just abandon me, but in the cruelest possible manner. It would never have occurred to me that Peter would betray me and get involved with another woman. I am not sure I will ever recover from the gaslighting, lies, and being treated like someone who is a piece of garbage. In fact, I care for my garbage better than what I have endured for this last year and a half. SO NO, I am not okay, and NO I may not be okay for a very long time.
My goal today was to finish the Foundation's mailing labels for our holiday mass mailer. I have everything ready to go, but needed the labels. Prepping for this mass mailing isn't easy as it means getting Foundation envelopes, the letter printed, stamps, labels, and post it notes. My least favorite activity is scrubbing our database to generate labels. Last year was the first time I had to convert an excel spreadsheet to mailing labels. It was no picnic to figure out. This year, I reminded myself that I could do this, that I did it last year. Again it wasn't an intuitive process, but low and behold, mailing labels are printed out and I will begin the whole stuffing, sealing, and labeling process next week. As my goal is to get envelopes out by the beginning of December. So I am on track. Not sure how I have done any of this when I have constant panic attacks, intense despair, and non stop caregiving.
