Saturday, August 17, 2024

Saturday, August 17, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006. We were visiting my parents in Los Angeles and that weekend, we drove down to San Diego, to spend a view days touring the sites. We took Mattie to the USS Midway Aircraft Carrier. Since Mattie LOVED ships, I had a feeling, he was going to be amazed! Mattie was fascinated as we got to walk around and explore the different levels of the carrier. On top of the carrier were several military planes that typically take off from the carrier. It was a once in a lifetime trip for us with Mattie. 

Quote of the day: There is an ocean of silence between us… and I am drowning in it. ~ Ranata Suzuki

Last night, I put my dad to bed around 9pm. Then I came back downstairs to watch TV with my mom. We are worn out mentally and emotionally, so I decided to turn on episodes of Cheers. A show that resonates with both of us. We were watching Cheers on our DVR, until all of a sudden the show stopped playing and I got an alert that there was an ethernet connection issue. TRULY not what you want to tell me at night. I first thought I just had to reboot the cable box, but then I realized, that wasn't solving the problem. It then dawned on me that I needed to restart the router in the house. As I started going down the basement steps where our router is located, I noticed that the whole basement lost power. Sometimes I walk around the house saying..... what else do I have to deal with? 

I then went to the garage where our circuit breaker boxes are and I looked to see if any circuits had been tripped. Sure enough! I flipped one back on and the power came back and with it so did WIFI and the cable box. It is a daunting responsibility to have to be the jack of all trades. I am the adult on duty 24/7 and there is never a break from intense tasks, chores, and crises. 

This morning, after getting my dad up, showered, dressed, downstairs for breakfast, cut his nails, got him doing his walking routine, and finally settled in his recliner, I then did the thing I HATE each month... bill paying. To me life is either one large task or one large bill. There is nothing in between. This maybe life in general for most people, but to me it is far worse when I am not sharing these ups and downs with my husband. The person I thought would be there always for me. After all, why wouldn't I think this, given that we have known each other 36 years! 

Friday, August 16, 2024

Friday, August 16, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. Mattie was three years old. Every August, I took Mattie to Los Angeles to visit my parents. That week, we drove to San Diego and did many fun activities with Mattie, such as going to Legoland. Mattie was a huge LEGO fan, so you can imagine how amazed he was with this park. The beauty of Legoland is it appeals to all ages. Mattie gave me the excuse to be a child again and to see the world through his beautiful eyes. 

Quote of the day: Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall. ~ Jodi Picoult

Over the course of the last two days, I received emails related to Foundation work. One was an email to review potential research grant proposals. The second email was from one of our presenting walk sponsors. This sponsor has asked me to speak at one of their events in November, so that staff members can learn more about Mattie Miracle, and how their generosity is directly helping the community. These two requests pulled me out of my funk for a few hours. It wasn't like I had no caregiving responsibilities during this time, or that Peter wasn't on my mind, because that wasn't true, but my energy was directed else where for a moment. 

What I have learned this year, after being abandoned, is that I am very resourceful and have had to figure out many challenging things on my own. I now oversee the Foundation without Peter, and though I once relied on him to bounce ideas off of and to discuss Foundation plans, I have learned that the inspiration for Mattie Miracle, what keeps us working, thriving, and growing was not Peter, it was and is me. Mattie will always be my number one priority and whether I am married or not, my priorities, devotion, character, and commitments NEVER change. 

Now with all that said, I still live with confusion, great heartache, and will always be perplexed by Peter's choices. In fact, I had a friend of my parents write to me yesterday, who basically said that it was my intense caregiving routine that pushed Peter away. I suppose without all the facts, one could easily blame me for these consequences. However, my picture is far more complicated than that and I think my caregiving routine is simply an excuse for his choices. There are thousands of family caregivers all over our country, and most of them do not have husbands that up and leave. Especially long term marriages like mine. 

It is Peter who wanted me to move my parents from Los Angeles, into our home. I did not think this was a good idea for multiple reasons. One, because I knew the intense time commitment that was needed to manage my parent's care and two, my parents had lived in LA for over 30 years. It was home to them, and their friends and network were there. Moving them to the East coast is isolating for them and it is natural at their age that I then became their everything. 

What I find is crucial to me through this 11 month abandonment, is the truth. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, one that I always honored and valued. It is my character, that I DO NOT WALK away from people I love. In times of crisis, I don't run the other way, I walk toward the problem. So there is NO way I would ever ask for a divorce. Certainly not from someone I thought was my best friend and someone who I thought respected and deeply cared about me. Setting the record straight is important to me because no matter the devastating circumstances with which Peter has left me, one thing remains and that is I uphold.... my CHARACTER. 

Thursday, August 15, 2024

Thursday, August 15, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that week, he was in Los Angeles visiting my parents. Mattie absolutely loved visiting the La Brea Tar Pits and Museum. The beauty of these pits is that they are still conducting archeological digs, which Mattie found fascinating to observe! I remember these moments in time, and I did not even realize how lucky I was to be living a normal life.  

Quote of the day: You will never know the pain until you look into the eyes of someone you love, and they look away. ~ Unknown

In honor of my parent's 64th anniversary, I took them out for lunch in Great Falls, VA. I have been dining at this restaurant for years. In fact, every birthday and anniversary, Peter and I celebrated at this special restaurant. The setting is so beautiful to me, and even though I associate it with Peter, it hasn't stopped me from returning. What I do know is the Peter I knew and loved for 35 years, is and will always be a part of me. He may have changed, but I know the reality of our life together. I couldn't help but look around the restaurant and see so many happy men with their significant others. Again, I don't understand how this abandonment has happened to me, as I never saw it coming. 

My parents have known each other for 71 years! It is quite remarkable and I know my mom enjoyed the outing. My dad is another story. He can eat something and two minutes later, he has NO memory of it! Case in point, on Tuesday night, as I was cleaning up the dinner dishes, he asked me..... would it be easier if we went out of dinner? Mind you he just ate, he was still sitting at the table, and I was actively cleaning up dishes! Sometimes, I ask myself.... is it worth taking him out to eat? As long as I can, I will, but it is a feat, and even with Imodium on board, I took him to the bathroom twice, and once he needed to be completely changed. 

My mom snapped this photo of me today.

Some of the beauty that surrounded us at lunch. 

Plants, trees, and gardens all around!

To me this place is just a magical setting, and is so different from the fast paced, loud, and modern restaurants in our area. 

The outdoor area under a tent. Because of my dad's reaction to bug bites, I put OFF all over him today. 

The restaurant has its own gardens. This amuse-bouche, was tomato and pepper (fresh from the garden!) bisque. It was delicious! 

This appetizer was a trio of Salmon. 

A tomato salad from the garden. 

Halibut!

We had four desserts on the table:

• a raspberry souffle
• ice cream in a cookie bowl (for my dad)
• apple tart with home made ice cream

and

They brought out this complimentary strawberry cake to celebrate my parent's anniversary. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2024

Wednesday, August 14, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old and was visiting Los Angeles that week. My parents set up this little table and chairs for him in the kitchen. This set belonged to our next door neighbor, who used it with her grandchildren. Betty took an immediately liking to Mattie and she always did something special for him when we visited. As you can see, Mattie was a busy fellow with his trucks. Notice the sippy cup of milk. That cup went with us 365 days a year, it did not matter the weather or the temperature. 

Quote of the day: Sadness flies away on the wings of time. ~ Jean de La Fontaine

My only reaction to tonight's quote is WRONG! Time doesn't heal all wounds and some wounds will always evoke sadness. I know that family, friends, my lawyer and my therapist all want me to find peace, happiness, and have a better future. Unfortunately to me this is all hopeful thinking and the more one pushes this agenda on me, the more I retreat inward. When you have been abandoned by the one constant in your life, the one person you thought truly loved you, and would be there for you always, it deeply scars you. The loss of Peter is not something I am going to get over, just like I have never gotten over Mattie. I may learn to live with these traumatic events, but finding happiness, joy, and a new life, are not likely to happen. Remember surviving trauma is not a new concept for me. 

Today was my parent's 64th wedding anniversary. As you may imagine, celebrating anyone's union is not high on my list right now. Nonetheless, before my parents woke up, I went out to the garden and picked roses and hydrangeas. My dad had his memory care center program today, so tomorrow I am taking them out for a special lunch at a restaurant I love with a beautiful garden. It is my hope that they enjoy that outing. 

One of my dad's caregivers in Los Angeles wrote to me today wishing my parents a happy anniversary. She truly is a remarkable caregiver and she knows all I am balancing and even offered to relocate to Virginia to help me. Honestly if my life was not a total mess right now, I would consider it.

Each day, I get photo memories in my email inbox. This was today's! It highlights many anniversary gatherings I had with my parents over the years. I always tried to make the day memorable for them. 

I have been a part of Peter's life for 36 years, and my parents treated him like a son. We did not hear from him today and unfortunately I have had to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want to communicate, he doesn't want to remember our life together, and he has no problem walking away and never looking back. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2024

Tuesday, August 13, 2024 -- Mattie died 775 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old. We were visiting Los Angeles and Peter snapped this photo of me and Mattie with my parents. I look at this photo now and it seems like it could be of a different person. This didn't and doesn't seem like my life. I wouldn't have guessed that 20 years after this photo was taken, Mattie would have died, my dad would have moderate stage dementia, my mom would have Parkinson's and Peter would leave me. When I evaluate where I am now in life, it is beyond amazing what I cope with ALONE on any given day. 

Quote of the day: I have emotional motion sickness / Somebody roll the windows down / There are no words in the English Language / I could scream to drown you out. ~ Phoebe Bridgers

My good friend Mary Ann sent me this photo today. I am rarely on Facebook any more, for MANY reasons. So I appreciate Mary Ann forwarding me this posting and I remember this photo well. In 2017, I received this photo from Sunny's groomer, who absolutely LOVED Sunny. She used to call him her "Sunny Bunny!" Sunny was part of my life from 2016 to 2024, and I will never forget our moments together. He is missed deeply and since Sunny died in January of this year, I have yet to go for a walk in our neighborhood. I am not motivated at all without my boy. 

Today I took my parents to a meeting with a lawyer today. Since my dad has dementia and Peter left me, I have now become the all knowing one in my household. Mind you, I have had a steep learning curve, because prior to Peter leaving, I never paid a bill, balanced a check book, managed money, took care of a large household alone, fixed things that were broken, took on all the gardening and the list goes on. I have had to become the jack of all trades. It is hateful!

I assure you these are not roles I want or like, but out of necessity, I have to be the adult on duty. When faced with so many questions and problems, my natural instinct is to turn to Peter. I have had to learn over these last 11 months that he doesn't want to help me, he isn't interested in communicating, and wants no part of my life. So when I say I am ALONE, I mean it. What these 11 months have shown me is that I actually can do much more than my family ever gave me credit for. This isn't a claim to fame, and I rather not be in this position. At the end of the day, what I miss is having my life long companion, or to be able to turn to who I thought was my life long companion. Peter's abandonment has left an immense hole in my life and heart. 

This evening, I heard my mom talking on the phone to a friend. She was saying how well I am doing and how I will have my whole future in front of me. I will spare you the exact verbiage. I truly had to tune her out because she has no concept of the pain, hurt, betrayal, and loss that I feel. People are not replaceable in my world, and for me my life feels over. My future, as I imagined it to be (which wasn't easy to accept having any sort of future without Mattie in it) is gone. I realize I may have friends and family who want me to be happy and to see possibilities ahead, but I don't see it, I don't feel it, and I am just tired of it all. 

Tired of working around the clock, tired of putting out one crisis after the other, devastated that I invested 36 years with a person who wants nothing to do with me, and worn out from living with constant grief and trauma. 

Monday, August 12, 2024

Monday, August 12, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old! I took him to Los Angeles that week, for his annual trip to see my parents. As you can see, Mattie found my sandals, decided to put them on and was clomping around the house! Got to love that smile and his spirit. I miss Mattie, his presence in my life, and no matter what I am going through, remembering his existence and honoring our bond and connection will always be my number one priority. 

Quote of the day: I don’t know how to say goodbye. I can’t think of any words. ~ Princess Ann, “Roman Holiday”

My mom showed me this image that she found on Facebook. I looked at it and absolutely related to it. We do talk about Sunny all the time. He was the world's best dog, my buddy, and amazing companion. He was loyal, faithful, and incredibly loving. It is hard to believe Sunny died in January. Seven months, and he has left a big hole in my life. In fact, my heart is on overload, that I am amazed it still beats. 

Tonight I went out to bring the garbage to the curb. While outside, a couple was out walking their dog. They came over to talk with me. Naturally I wanted to meet their pooch. The couple clearly knew my house, and toured it when there was an open house in 2021. They spoke specifically about aspects of my house, which caught my attention. They then commented on my neighbor, who is doing an extensive renovation. I had no comments. However, what caught my attention is this couple deemed that I should be very happy because of the house I own. You know the statement.... you can't judge a book by its cover? Again, I wasn't going to get into it with these two, because most people couldn't possibly know the hell I live with each day. 

But this couple is correct. When we bought our house together, the notion was this was going to be another chapter in our life together. For the life of me I would never have imagined what has happened to me and how my life is practically in ashes. I have crashed and burned and I don't see much hope for the future. 

Sunday, August 11, 2024

Sunday, August 11, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old. Every August, I took Mattie to Los Angeles to visit with my parents. That day we went to Griffith Park, which was a park very close to my parent's home. They had all sorts of fun things at this park, from the Zoo, Travel Town (an amazing train museum), pony rides, train rides, and a Dentzel Carousel. I was very protective of Mattie and always wanted to make sure he was safe, and tried to plan for all contingencies. Of course childhood cancer was never on my radar scope and at that point in time, I was naive about that possibility. 

Quote of the day: My tongue will tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart, concealing it, will break. ~ William Shakespeare

This morning, after my usual routine, I decided to figure out how to operate Peter's hedge trimmer. I have seen Peter use it for years, but never used this gadget myself. I am very tired of seeing the hedges in front of our windows growing so tall and uneven. Could I pay for the gardener to do this? Sure! Do I want to? NO! As a home owner, I have found that you have to learn to be self sufficient because every thing costs an arm and a leg. 

I got the hedge trimmer out of the box and had to figure out how to assemble it. The instruction booklet was no longer with the machine. Here's the funny part, I couldn't figure out how to take off the safety blade cover. I tried moving it, sliding it, nothing was working. So I want back inside, got my phone and googled my question. Sure enough, I got instructions on-line and went back at this thing with a screw driver. I was able to slide the safety guard off and then decided to practice my skills on the bushes in the back of the house. After managing three of them, without killing myself or damaging the bushes, I headed to the front of the house. I went at two large hedges and four small bushes. I have found my new best handy side kick! I stopped after two hours because my arms hurt. But I have more to do and hopefully will get to it this week. Unless another crisis arises in my house. 

Every Sunday, I take my parents out to brunch. Over the years, we have gotten to know our server and all her family. Today she was talking with us about three of her colleagues who have approached her several times and want to go out on a date with her. These men are about 25 years younger than her. When she was telling me this story, we both looked at each other, and what came out of my mouth was...... what do they want, what is their motive? Instead of looking at the world as a hopeful, happy, and loving place, I have been transformed after the destruction of my marriage. This destruction and abandonment have left me having great caution, a lack of trust, the desire to retreat and shut people out, and the need for self protection. As I always say, I hate the person I am becoming, because it is not who I am at the core. Yet look what being kind, nice, loving, and supportive has gotten me after 36 years in a long term relationship! It has gotten me to a place in my life where I lost my child, my husband, my freedom to live a daily life, and a very uncertain future.