Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. It was actually days before Christmas. Friends dropped off all sorts of fun things for Mattie, including Christmas stockings, a little Santa and this red frosted donut. As you can see, Mattie put the Christmas stockings on his feet. He had a good sense of humor despite all that he was dealing with. He truly was a remarkable soul. One thing was for certain, Mattie was happier in the hospital than at home while battling cancer. Which was why it was not surprising to me that Mattie chose to died in the hospital.
Quote of the day: It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail. ~ Lech Walesa
Today was NOT a good day. I did not wake up in a bad mood, but early on the emotions of the day hit me. I feel for Peter, because he really tried, suggested that he and I open presents from his parents, and so forth. But I was not in the mood and it is 7:45pm, and I have still not opened a gift.
Peter truly carried the day and worked hard in the kitchen. By 10am, we learned that our God daughter and her parents wouldn't be able to join us today, because they were all sick. It was very nice of them to be concerned about us, which I appreciate, but somehow I planned for food for nine people, and this simple change upset my apple cart. It sent me for a tail spin. I have no idea why! Maybe because I deemed them a diversion from the reality of being without Mattie and managing a full time caregiving load.
I haven't been in such a funk for years actually. The feeling comes on and I honestly do not know what to do. If it were warmer out, I would have left the house and walked. I felt like I was going to explode and at the same time felt nauseous. Our friends who also lost an only child to cancer, did come over today. Naturally our conversation was much more real and honest, because we had no one's feelings to protect. Of course my dad was thoroughly clueless and couldn't process why today was a hard day for us! Where to go with that?
My dad was an absolutely BUNDLE today. His dementia makes him act like he is about five. The world revolves around him and he can't think beyond himself and his needs. He had an explosive bout of diarrhea on Thursday and since then, has not had a bowel movement. So today he was miserable and very fixated on having to go to the bathroom. When I tell you he had me up every 20 minutes while our guests were here, I am not kidding you. I washed my hands more times today that is humanly healthy! The problem is my dad has no understanding of how often he is going to the bathroom.
Meanwhile, I have one bathroom on the first floor. Normally it is set up for my dad. But today, I moved his commode out, so that guests could use it. You should have seen me, with each time he had to go to the bathroom, I tossed out the pretty sunflower rug in the bathroom that I have for guests and moved in his commode. It was like a bad episode of I Love Lucy, except I did not have Ethel helping me! Actually there was nothing funny about this, as my food did not go down right, and forget about having any sort of meaningful conversation. How can I when I am jumping up and down constantly?
No comments:
Post a Comment