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Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. Mattie was three years old. Every August, I took Mattie to Los Angeles to visit my parents. That week, we drove to San Diego and did many fun activities with Mattie, such as going to Legoland. Mattie was a huge LEGO fan, so you can imagine how amazed he was with this park. The beauty of Legoland is it appeals to all ages. Mattie gave me the excuse to be a child again and to see the world through his beautiful eyes.
Quote of the day: Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall. ~ Jodi Picoult
Over the course of the last two days, I received emails related to Foundation work. One was an email to review potential research grant proposals. The second email was from one of our presenting walk sponsors. This sponsor has asked me to speak at one of their events in November, so that staff members can learn more about Mattie Miracle, and how their generosity is directly helping the community. These two requests pulled me out of my funk for a few hours. It wasn't like I had no caregiving responsibilities during this time, or that Peter wasn't on my mind, because that wasn't true, but my energy was directed else where for a moment.
What I have learned this year, after being abandoned, is that I am very resourceful and have had to figure out many challenging things on my own. I now oversee the Foundation without Peter, and though I once relied on him to bounce ideas off of and to discuss Foundation plans, I have learned that the inspiration for Mattie Miracle, what keeps us working, thriving, and growing was not Peter, it was and is me. Mattie will always be my number one priority and whether I am married or not, my priorities, devotion, character, and commitments NEVER change.
Now with all that said, I still live with confusion, great heartache, and will always be perplexed by Peter's choices. In fact, I had a friend of my parents write to me yesterday, who basically said that it was my intense caregiving routine that pushed Peter away. I suppose without all the facts, one could easily blame me for these consequences. However, my picture is far more complicated than that and I think my caregiving routine is simply an excuse for his choices. There are thousands of family caregivers all over our country, and most of them do not have husbands that up and leave. Especially long term marriages like mine.
It is Peter who wanted me to move my parents from Los Angeles, into our home. I did not think this was a good idea for multiple reasons. One, because I knew the intense time commitment that was needed to manage my parent's care and two, my parents had lived in LA for over 30 years. It was home to them, and their friends and network were there. Moving them to the East coast is isolating for them and it is natural at their age that I then became their everything.
What I find is crucial to me through this 11 month abandonment, is the truth. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, one that I always honored and valued. It is my character, that I DO NOT WALK away from people I love. In times of crisis, I don't run the other way, I walk toward the problem. So there is NO way I would ever ask for a divorce. Certainly not from someone I thought was my best friend and someone who I thought respected and deeply cared about me. Setting the record straight is important to me because no matter the devastating circumstances with which Peter has left me, one thing remains and that is I uphold.... my CHARACTER.
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