Wednesday, August 14, 2024

Wednesday, August 14, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old and was visiting Los Angeles that week. My parents set up this little table and chairs for him in the kitchen. This set belonged to our next door neighbor, who used it with her grandchildren. Betty took an immediately liking to Mattie and she always did something special for him when we visited. As you can see, Mattie was a busy fellow with his trucks. Notice the sippy cup of milk. That cup went with us 365 days a year, it did not matter the weather or the temperature. 

Quote of the day: Sadness flies away on the wings of time. ~ Jean de La Fontaine

My only reaction to tonight's quote is WRONG! Time doesn't heal all wounds and some wounds will always evoke sadness. I know that family, friends, my lawyer and my therapist all want me to find peace, happiness, and have a better future. Unfortunately to me this is all hopeful thinking and the more one pushes this agenda on me, the more I retreat inward. When you have been abandoned by the one constant in your life, the one person you thought truly loved you, and would be there for you always, it deeply scars you. The loss of Peter is not something I am going to get over, just like I have never gotten over Mattie. I may learn to live with these traumatic events, but finding happiness, joy, and a new life, are not likely to happen. Remember surviving trauma is not a new concept for me. 

Today was my parent's 64th wedding anniversary. As you may imagine, celebrating anyone's union is not high on my list right now. Nonetheless, before my parents woke up, I went out to the garden and picked roses and hydrangeas. My dad had his memory care center program today, so tomorrow I am taking them out for a special lunch at a restaurant I love with a beautiful garden. It is my hope that they enjoy that outing. 

One of my dad's caregivers in Los Angeles wrote to me today wishing my parents a happy anniversary. She truly is a remarkable caregiver and she knows all I am balancing and even offered to relocate to Virginia to help me. Honestly if my life was not a total mess right now, I would consider it.

Each day, I get photo memories in my email inbox. This was today's! It highlights many anniversary gatherings I had with my parents over the years. I always tried to make the day memorable for them. 

I have been a part of Peter's life for 36 years, and my parents treated him like a son. We did not hear from him today and unfortunately I have had to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want to communicate, he doesn't want to remember our life together, and he has no problem walking away and never looking back.