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Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old. We were visiting Los Angeles and Peter snapped this photo of me and Mattie with my parents. I look at this photo now and it seems like it could be of a different person. This didn't and doesn't seem like my life. I wouldn't have guessed that 20 years after this photo was taken, Mattie would have died, my dad would have moderate stage dementia, my mom would have Parkinson's and Peter would leave me. When I evaluate where I am now in life, it is beyond amazing what I cope with ALONE on any given day.
Quote of the day: I have emotional motion sickness / Somebody roll the windows down / There are no words in the English Language / I could scream to drown you out. ~ Phoebe Bridgers
Today I took my parents to a meeting with a lawyer today. Since my dad has dementia and Peter left me, I have now become the all knowing one in my household. Mind you, I have had a steep learning curve, because prior to Peter leaving, I never paid a bill, balanced a check book, managed money, took care of a large household alone, fixed things that were broken, took on all the gardening and the list goes on. I have had to become the jack of all trades. It is hateful!
I assure you these are not roles I want or like, but out of necessity, I have to be the adult on duty. When faced with so many questions and problems, my natural instinct is to turn to Peter. I have had to learn over these last 11 months that he doesn't want to help me, he isn't interested in communicating, and wants no part of my life. So when I say I am ALONE, I mean it. What these 11 months have shown me is that I actually can do much more than my family ever gave me credit for. This isn't a claim to fame, and I rather not be in this position. At the end of the day, what I miss is having my life long companion, or to be able to turn to who I thought was my life long companion. Peter's abandonment has left an immense hole in my life and heart.
This evening, I heard my mom talking on the phone to a friend. She was saying how well I am doing and how I will have my whole future in front of me. I will spare you the exact verbiage. I truly had to tune her out because she has no concept of the pain, hurt, betrayal, and loss that I feel. People are not replaceable in my world, and for me my life feels over. My future, as I imagined it to be (which wasn't easy to accept having any sort of future without Mattie in it) is gone. I realize I may have friends and family who want me to be happy and to see possibilities ahead, but I don't see it, I don't feel it, and I am just tired of it all.
Tired of working around the clock, tired of putting out one crisis after the other, devastated that I invested 36 years with a person who wants nothing to do with me, and worn out from living with constant grief and trauma.
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