Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. Mattie was three years old and visiting my parents in Los Angeles. Here was the funny story about all of this! My mom gave Mattie a gift of trains and vehicles. Of course he loved playing with them, but look what brought him joy! YES THE BOX! Mattie put it on his head like a hat and was parading around the house. It was the simple, everyday items that ultimately always caught Mattie's attention.
Quote of the day: Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things. Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal. Be frustrated, it’s where you start to make more authentic decisions. Be sad, because if we are brave enough we can hear our heart’s wisdom through it. Be whatever you are right now. No more hiding. You are worthy. Always. ~ S.C. Lourie
Today was another blur. I had my dad home today and it takes a lot to keep him awake. All he wants to do is sleep the day away. That isn't good for him physically or cognitively. My biggest battle with him now is his massive use of paper products. My dad goes through two rolls (YES, I am not exaggerating) of toilet paper a day, a roll of paper towels in a week, and two boxes of tissues a week. Let's not talk about paper napkins. Even supervising him in the bathroom, it is like going into battle. I can't get him to stop using up and wasting paper. My biggest concern is he is going to create a problem in our septic system.
This morning, I slept to 8am. I am absolutely exhausted and days now that I don't have to get either of my parents to appointments, I sleep later. I need it. As soon as I got up, I went to feed Indie. I could hear my mom directing my dad in the bathroom and telling him to go back to sleep. When I got back upstairs, I saw my dad lying down in a funny way on top of the heating blanket. I went into his room and got him up to reposition him. No matter how many times I have told my mom that my dad needs supervision getting back into bed, she doesn't get it. I got him up, in bed, propped up pillows under his knees and arms, covered him and turned the heat back onto the blanket. Once I completed my morning routine and went back upstairs to wake my dad up, it was another show. Many runs to the bathroom, and yesterday, he literally went to the bathroom all over the bedroom floor. I spent a good portion of the day, cleaning and cleaning to remove the smell. Smells may not bother some people, but for me, I am like a blood hound. I smell everything and smells bother me intensely.
I managed more bills today and spoke to the company that provides our home and car insurance. There is just so much I have to learn and each day, when I wake up, I hope for a calm day. A day I am not frantically answering questions and putting out fires. I have yet to have such a day. I live constantly on the edge awaiting the next shoe to drop. It is exhausting living with this much stress.
Any case, today's gift that I learned is that I am paying for my home insurance in my monthly mortgage. I literally thought I was going to get hit with this insurance bill this September. To my amazement, I learned I can take that off my September worry list. I take the financial gifts when I get them. Then I moved along to manage my mom's health insurance claims and other issues. I have taken WORN out to a new level, of course in the midst of all of this, I am doing laundry, preparing and serving meals, and providing guidance and entertainment.
Tonight while trying to clear the dinner dishes, my mom derailed me with a bill. I literally had to stop everything, call the company in question and attempt to talk to a live person! Which was a feat in and of itself, I am so sick of automated phone lines. Where do I sign up for an easier life? A life where my husband was my husband? When things made sense in my day to day existence. Whenever I am out now and I look at older couples together, I say to myself.... that was supposed to be me.
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