Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2003. Mattie was one and I captured him in a photo as he was crawling over to the basket where I kept all of his books. Mattie loved to look at books, to pull them all out of the basket and flip through the pages. I read to Mattie daily and he had several favorites. In fact, I got to experience the beauty of children's books by exploring them with Mattie.
Quote of the day: I fell in love with him two seconds after I saw him. And I’ll never stop loving him, even though it doesn’t make sense anymore. ~ Nicole, “Marriage Story”
Each day I wake up and wonder, what will happen to me today? I could say that I am hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day, but it never is! The profound sadness and confusion are overwhelming. I live under inordinate amounts of stress and I am not sure how much more I can handle.
In the past, during such turmoil, I turned to Peter. We certainly have endured our share of turmoil with Mattie's diagnosis, cancer journey and death. We had such a special connection, that when Peter would talk with me during challenging times, I knew everything was going to be okay. I would say that no one else in my life has had this same ability to calm me down and reorient my outlook. But I guess that was the beauty of our connection and our 35 years together. I trusted Peter and I do not easily give my trust and love away.
Though I may have gone out on dates in high school, I would say that Peter was my first boyfriend. We grew up together, went to college together, sang in our college choir together, we supported each other through various graduate school programs, jobs, my dissertation, studying for my licensure exam, having a baby, raising Mattie, Mattie's sensory issues, Mattie's schooling, Mattie's cancer diagnosis, Mattie's death, creating and running Mattie's foundation, and the list goes on. With each and every life event, we grew closer, we found ways through life's highs and deepest lows. We had no family in the Washington, DC area, so we relied heavily on one another.
Trying to live life without the person who has been an integral part of my life now for 35 years is disorienting and disheartening. But here I am, though I am not sure I am going to get through this particular chapter in my life. No glimmers today. That notion was short lived and GONE!
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