Friday, August 22, 2014

Friday, August 22, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old. We took him to the Huntington Museum and Gardens in Los Angeles. This was one of my favorite photos because it appeared that neither Mattie nor Peter knew I was capturing them in action. Check out Mattie examining the bamboo, and Peter just content to have Mattie on his back! To me it was priceless. 


Quote of the day: Consider a tree for a moment. As beautiful as trees are to look at, we don't see what goes on underground - as they grow roots. Trees must develop deep roots in order to grow strong and produce their beauty. But we don't see the roots. We just see and enjoy the beauty. In much the same way, what goes on inside of us is like the roots of a tree. ~ Joyce Meyer

The other night my parents and I watched the 1945 movie, Love Letters. I happen to love old movies, and though I tend not to go to the movies and see modern days films, I would say I am a big movie buff. I am a great admirer of old films. Mostly because of their substance, plot, great actors, and diverse talents. I have heard my mom talk about Love Letters for YEARS!!! Why? Because all my life I have heard that I was named, Victoria, because my mom LOVED this movie. The irony is this is the FIRST time in my life that I ever saw this movie. I am so happy I did! 

I love Jennifer Jones (the lead actress in this movie) as an actress. I thought she was very talented and I remember seeing her in a different movie when I was a teenager. She starred in a movie about St. Bernadette. I happened to love the story of St. Bernadette, and chose this saint as my confirmation name. When I saw Jennifer Jones in the movie, The Song of Bernadette, I would say that she confirmed my saint choice for me. It very much influenced my decision as a teenager back then. Now many years later, seeing Jennifer Jones again, playing in this VERY different role, with a character who has my name was just as moving. 

I remember when Mattie was in kindergarten, his teacher gave him the assignment of finding out how he got his name. It was a big project and he had to talk with me about and write about it! We did a story about his name together! I remember the story was posted on the wall at his school, along with the other children's stories within his class. Seeing this movie reminded me of this assignment Mattie and I did together, and just like I told Mattie, understanding one's name is VERY important! A name is not just a name! It defines you, it is the first thing that people get to understand about you, it is what people remember, and in many cases, it also describes your character and personality! I know Mattie's name, Matthew, truly described him. Matthew means, "a gift from God" and Victoria means "victory." Both get at our character and strength in many ways. For those of you who are interested in old movies, I included a Love Letters plot for you below. 

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The plot of the 1945 Movie, Love Letters:

Alan Quinton (Joseph Cotten), an American soldier in Italy during World War II, has been writing letters for his friend, Roger Morland (Robert Sully), a man who admits he "never had any standards, manners or taste." Alan has never met Victoria Remington, but regards her as a "pin-up girl of the spirit," to whom he can express feelings he has never expressed in person. He realizes that Victoria has fallen in love with the letters and is concerned that she will be disappointed by the real Roger. However, Roger abruptly leaves for paratrooper training in England.

Alan is subsequently injured on the Italian front and finds out that both Roger and Victoria are dead. He is having trouble readjusting to civilian life and spending time with his fiance, Helen Wentworth (Anita Louise). He decides to live for a while at his aunt's farm in Essex. In London, his brother takes him to a party at which he meets Dilly Carson (Ann Richards) and Singleton (Jennifer Jones). He drunkenly tells them the story about falling in love with a woman he's never met, and Dilly realizes he is referring to Roger and Victoria. She tells Alan that a murder was committed and the letters were somehow involved.

While in Essex, Alan visits Longreach—the road to which he addressed all the letters—and finds out that Victoria died over a year ago. He also finds out that Roger was murdered by his wife, and Alan feels somewhat guilty. Back in London, Dilly informs him that Singleton is suffering from amnesia and is actually the real Victoria. She begs him not to tell Singleton that he was the one who wrote the letters because Victoria fell in love with Roger through the letters and married him solely based on them.

Dilly recounts that one day, she found Roger stabbed to death in the country house on Longreach, but Victoria was completely unable to remember what happened, even though she was holding the murder weapon right beside him. After a trial during which she cannot remember anything, she is sent to a prison psychiatric hospital for a year and then released into the care of Dilly. Victoria never regained her memory, and continues to now live as Singleton. Singleton realizes that Alan is in love with Victoria, but does not realize Victoria is actually herself. Regardless, Alan and Singleton marry after he gets permission from her adopted mother, Beatrice Remington (Gladys Cooper). However, their marriage is constantly scarred by Alan's love of the "other woman."

Beatrice returns to the farm and while conversing with Singleton, Singleton begins to remember the events of that fateful night: As Roger begins to drink, Victoria rereads the letters to remind herself of the man she loves and not the bitter man she sees in front of her. Roget confesses that he is not the one who wrote the letters, and he becomes abusive. Beatrice takes a knife and is the one to stab him to death as Victoria attempts to save the letters he had thrown into the fireplace.

As Alan arrives at the house, Victoria recalls her true identity and they fall into each other's arms.

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I included some photos of Los Angeles for you! These are the sights I see around my parent's home! This is their "Mountain." A very different sight for me that what I see when I look out the window in Washington, DC!

Near this location is usually where I can always spot bunnies. It is just a stone's throw from my parent's front door!

This is my parent's persimmons tree! It is filled with fruit and during the fall, these loves will turn a beautiful orange color and will be ready to eat. 

I end tonight with a view from my parent's backyard! You can see why the deer are happy up here in this calm and tranquil community. It is no surprise that so much wildlife can be seen here. Of course coyotes and mountain lions also exist here, and I could do without either of them!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old and in my parent's living room. Mattie saw me approaching with a camera and this caught his attention. He opened his arms out wide. I am not sure whether it was to give me a hug or to reach for the camera, but either case, I captured him in action! 


Quote of the day: The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

We went to see an exhibit today at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA) entitled, Expressionism in Germany and France: From Van Gogh to Kandinsky. This is a fascinating title isn't it?! I know the Van Gogh part just jumps off the page at you! I am a Van Gogh fan as so many of us are! Which is why I am sure, people ran to LACMA to see this exhibit over the course of this year. However, I love how the LA Times described this exhibit! They say, "visitors who come to LACMA attracted by the title's celebrity names might be in for disappointment." I can appreciate that, because in all reality you are really not seeing Van Gogh. You are instead getting a cultural lesson on France and Germany and how Van Gogh's art may have touched France and thereby influenced Germany! LITERALLY! This is my synopsis in a nutshell. Putting that aside, and my suggestion for a name and title change to the exhibit, the exhibit has some fascinating lessons to be captured! Unfortunately because the rooms in which this 14 year display (with 90 paintings and 45 works on paper) is so cavernous, if you do not catch the 11:30am docent tour, you will totally miss the true nature of the exhibit. Thankfully we were able to take the tour because I honestly would not have had the foggiest notion of the connection among any of the pieces I was seeing. Things are NOT well sign posted and there is NO audio tour!

To give you some background on what the whole exhibit was about............................

Impressionism, Post-Impressionism, Neo-Impressionism, Symbolism, Fauvism — wave after wave of artistic ideas from Paris broke on Berlin's shores. The show opens with Modern French paintings acquired by collectors and museums in Germany. German artists, understandably tired of not being given the time of day, finally had enough. It's a story familiar to locales outside any powerful center for the production and distribution of important new art.

In 1905, Fritz Bleyl (1880-1966), Erich Heckel (1883-1970), Ernst Ludwig Kirchner (1880-1938) and Karl Schmidt-Rottluff (1884-1976) formed Die Brucke, which means the Bridge, as a Dresden avant-garde painters group with a mission. Emil Nolde (1867–1956) and Max Pechstein (1881–1955) joined soon after.

Except for Nolde they were all kids, the oldest barely 25. To oversimplify a bit, these young German painters kept the French feeling for color and threw away the rest. Color's irrational, unruly powers, which they felt were being restrained by stuffy, bourgeois proprieties, were unleashed.

The "bridge" they meant their art to build stretched from past to present — from the anguished bodily distortions of medieval Gothic sculpture to the stylish, pleasure-seeking denizens of urban boulevards; from the great German tradition of carved woodcut prints to the emotional tensions of convulsive modern experience.

Expressionism, an artistic movement in which pictorial imagery is depicted through dramatically expressive colors and brushwork, digresses from traditional representation in which artists attempted to recreate a likeness of reality; instead, the movement gives form to artists’ individual perceptions, feelings, and psychologies. While Expressionism has come to be recognized as a predominately German movement, this association evolved gradually long after the movement had begun and is partially attributed to the first book on 
Expressionism, authored by the German art critic Paul Fechter in 1914 and on view in the exhibition. The publication imbued the movement with a national identity, commensurate with the patriotic tone in Germany during World War I. 

In reality, Expressionism was born from a shared advance toward modernism among French and German artists as the latest French trends reached Germany through a network of collectors, critics, and art lovers, creating a mutually rich cosmopolitan milieu. Expressionists discovered new artistic possibilities through the first modern masters. They recognized expressive gesture and color in Van Gogh, nascent abstraction in Cézanne, and a new 
approach to the decorative in Gauguin and Matisse. Expressionism in Germany and France brings together significant works that Expressionists would have seen and carefully studied in exhibitions and collections of the time throughout Germany as well as Paris. Through a process of give and take, the Expressionists moved toward an international art while also seeking to maintain their national cultural heritage, combining tradition with aesthetic evolution.


Curators Timothy Benson and Frauke Josenhans talk about the exhibition, their research, and the impact of avant garde art being shown in France and Germany in the early 20th century: http://www.lacma.org/expressionism#video

Upon entering the exhibit you see this wonderful Quote: I once heard it said that in order to see good French (art) one has to go to Germany. ~ Max Pechstein

Van Gogh - Restaurant de la Sirene
Van Gogh painted this piece while living in Paris. This painting was quite unique and shows a very different style than we are accustomed to seeing, with Van Gogh's other works...... which usually feature heavy brush strokes, vibrant colors, and swirling patterns! 

Erich Heckel: Fear, The Prisoner, and the Prison Guard
These are woodcuts that depict the Expressionist period, evoking the pure emotion of inner turmoil and fear! The expressionist movement was designed to be a sharp contrast to impressionism! Who painted from perspective of what they saw in their environment, rather than what they felt from inside! 

Matisse: Open Window
This exhibit was enormous in size and displayed various works, which is what I am trying to show you through my photographs. I wasn't allowed to photograph many of the works on display. But hopefully the ones that I did capture, you can get the feeling for the vast array of genres here! The exhibit covered 14 years of art! This painting I share, through a power point slide show, with my kindergartner class every spring, so it was delightful to see it in person! That was a first for me. I know quite well that Matisse is the father of the Fauvism movement. Meaning that he believed in using vibrant and rich colors, but in imaginative ways. The colors did not have to be realistic. A banana did not have to be yellow for example, it could be however one imagined or wanted it to be. Which is why in this "open window" Matisse saw the ocean as pink and the sky as purple. Why not? On some days, given our mood, it may look and feel that way to us. 

Kandinsky: Murnau
Starting in 1908, Kandinsky began spending his summers in the Alpine village of Murnau. In this mountain village with its intense sunlight and deep shadows his painting style underwent a revolution. During a recent trip to Paris he discovered the style of fauvism, and it was at Murnau, that he began to perfect his own use of that style with flattened forms and vibrant colors.  

Franz Marc: Stables
Another painting group formed in Germany besides the Brucke (the bridge). They were called Blaue Reiter (or Blue Rider). They formed because people like Kandinsky were being ostracized and his paintings were being rejected from exhibition. Blue rider believed art had a spiritual dimension and the spiritual dimension many times was connected to animals. In fact, horses and riders were very much an important motif. As Marc's painting depicts. Marc was one of the founders of the Rider movement along with Kandinsky.

On our ride back to my parent's house I had my first Black Tail Deer sighting, or as I call them the LA Cappuccinos! These deer are bold and brazen, walking right in the middle of the street and eating the roses on the front lawn of a neighbor's house. 

When we returned home, awaiting us by the front door was this Lizard. Mattie would have LOVED this! In fact on the dash board of my car I have two plastic lizards of Mattie's. He loved lizards and he would have gotten a kick out of seeing the real thing just hanging out basking in the sunshine. Of which Los Angeles has plenty of.... a given and consistent truth. 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old. We took him to Los Angeles for the first time. Since LA is three hours behind Washington, DC time, this subtle change confused Mattie's sleeping schedule. He was literally up at 4am. Not only up, but raring to go! I was less than thrilled and Peter was a good sport about it. As you can see Peter had a smile on his face! These 4am wake ups happened for a few days until Mattie got used to LA time, and back then I thought this was challenging. But these normal parenting issues paled in comparison to what we later faced when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. It is unfortunate that we have such comparisons to pull from now. 


Quote of the day: Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies for instance. ~ John Ruskin


It is ironic that I am posting this photo tonight! Mainly because at 4am this morning I too woke up and in my mind I was ready to start the day. It seemed like it was time to get up to me, except of course it was pitch dark out. So I very much related to exactly how Mattie must have felt in the photo above (totally disoriented to LA time), however, unlike Mattie I was able to go back to sleep! 

My parents and I went out to lunch today and we sat outside in the garden area of a restaurant called, Stanley's. Stanley's has been serving people in the valley since I have been in high school. Needless to say, that is a long time! I remember going to this restaurant with friends of mine, however, at that time, the restaurant had NO garden patio! Check out the beautiful symbols hanging on the wall of the patio?!! Wonderful Mattie suns. They caught my attention today most likely because I was sitting facing them directly! The patio also has a fountain. If Mattie were with us, he would be sticking close to the fountain, playing in the water. Mattie wasn't into eating, as he was into checking out his environment and playing in it. Of course Mattie would be 12 years old now, so I can't even imagine what it would be like going to a restaurant with him as a pre-teen! In my mind Mattie will always be seven years old and a little boy playing with Legos. 

I am signing off for tonight! More tomorrow. I find that I am very tired from writing and from time spent at a computer this summer. I am headed to a museum exhibit tomorrow, so I am sure I will have commentary to report!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Tuesday, August 19, 2014 -- Mattie died 258 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old and we took him to Los Angeles. I had a conference to attend in Anaheim and we decided to turn it into a family trip to visit my parents. That was Mattie's first airplane trip! I was worried about how he would handle such a long journey. Mattie did not sleep throughout the entire flight. He was FULLY on and playing the whole time. Fortunately I had my bag of tricks with me. With Mattie you could never travel empty handed. I always had to have books, puzzles, games, legos, and lots of things to keep his mind busy! Without that there was going to be trouble for us and everyone else around us. Unlike me, Mattie did not mind motion at all, but seemed to like adventure and the stimulation of new surroundings and places.... just like Peter. 


Quote of the day: Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us. ~ Maya Angelou

I woke up this morning before the sun came up in order to get ready and pack up for my flight to Los Angeles. Before I left our home, Peter told me to come outside to our deck. To my surprise the White Ginger Butterfly Lily had opened up even more than yesterday and with its unfurling also came that intoxicating fragrance that was promised us!!!! When we bought this plant at the Elizabethan Gardens in the Outer Banks, I remember the ground's keeper telling me that the fragrance of this plant was unforgettable. He wasn't kidding. It is a mixture of jasmine and honeysuckle. It is intoxicating and you wish you could just bottle it up! I can imagine a whole field full of these flowers! No wonder he was encouraging me to buy one. This is the same man that lost his grandmother, and then turned to flowers to cope and manage this great loss. A man I can relate to! I am so happy I did not miss out on this special moment this morning. Of course when I saw this flower it was in the dark! Later in the day, Peter sent me this photo so I could actual see what the flower really looked like when the sun came up!!!


My flight to Los Angeles was over five hours long. Typically I do not sleep a second on a plane, but I am so exhausted, I would say I slept more than I was awake on this flight! A true first for me! Sitting across the aisle from me was a mom and her two children. She had a boy and a girl. Both preschool aged! I hate to say it, but typical gender stereotypes were playing out there..... the girl was sitting still and the boy was a total live wire. People next to me were staring at the mom and the little boy. I of course, did not bat an eye lash, because I knew exactly what she was balancing on that end of the aisle. The only difference between that mom and I was, as soon as the plane took off, her children slept for several hours! I couldn't get over what I was seeing! Totally out!!! Blankets, stuffed animals, and napping! A foreign concept to me!!!

When I got to LA, I met up with my parents at the airport. We had a full day together and even got in close to a 3 mile walk. Given that I have had a rather sedentary summer, walking feels good. At my parent's house, I was greeted by a Lizard who was literally staring at me when I opened the window! Signing off for today.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Monday, August 18, 2014

This photo was taken on September 1 of 2009. Only seven days before Mattie died. You most likely can tell that Mattie looks like he was in a lot of pain. He was attached to his black pain pump and though absolutely miserable, Jenny (his art therapist) tried to distract him the best she could by bringing in this battery powered dinosaur. Which did engage Mattie for a little while. By this point in time Mattie had already endured the impossible and was in tremendous pain. Recently I compiled two Power Point slides together that I now display at conference presentations. The first slide shows the psychosocial consequences of childhood cancer. On this slide I show visuals with photos of Mattie that clearly illustrate pain, anxiety, depression, isolation, and fear. On the second slide, I illustrate the difference that psychosocial support services can make in a child's life. This slide shows Mattie happier, doing more child like activities, even though in the hospital and undergoing treatment. The point of the second slide is that despite undergoing treatment, with support and addressing psychosocial issues, aspects of the "real" child can emerge. These slides are quite power displays for our attendees and have a way of conveying messages quickly!


Quote of the day: Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart. ~ Ancient Indian Proverb

As is typical for this time of year, I travel to Los Angeles in August to visit my parents. So tomorrow I will be writing the blog from the West Coast. 

You maybe asking yourself what have I photographed here? Well this is our White Ginger Butterfly Lily! We purchased this plant at the Elizabethan Gardens in the Outer Banks in June. When we bought the plant it was small. It has been growing all summer. It is now about five feet tall and with a flower that is really starting to bloom. There was NO flower at all when we bought it but we were promised that it would produce a flower and that when it opens up the fragrance would be glorious. I clearly am going to miss this unveiling, but I am so happy I got to see the flower unfurl. Peter promises to keep me posted on its changes, since I have helped to cultivate the plant all summer long! Now this is what the flower looked like on Sunday!

But this is what the flower looked like this morning.... on Monday!!!! Pretty incredible, no? This is ONE DAY's worth of growth!!!! To me this is one remarkable plant and the fact that it is a perennial is wonderful, we shall see if it will actually make it through the winter. If we have a winter like 2014, and it makes it, then I would say this is one hardy bulb!

It has been a pleasure not writing a chapter or having to proof it today! I have been doing this for the past three months. It has become part of my daily routine like brushing my teeth! So it has been a bit strange and foreign not to have to turn to this today but it is a break which is now long overdue. 

Sunday, August 17th, 2014

Sunday, August 17, 2014

“You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.” 
― C. JoyBell C.






Hi, it is Peter writing tonight.  Vicki needed a break from the computer, so I stepped up and did the blog.  

The shot below was taken when Vicki and I were in Fort Lauderdale this past April. We had just finished a nice meal together after a long day of travel, and had spent the meal processing the day, talking about the day (even though we had spent every minute of it together).... something truly special for me.

So tonight's blog is about relationships and connections one makes in life. What do relationships mean to me? I am not sure I can answer this in a single blog posting, but I'll at least get started.  Well, I must say relationships mean a lot more than they did in the past.  Perhaps loss does that to someone, but I am not sure.  All I do know is that it is important to me now, to connect with someone when I am dealing with them.  I am far from perfect at this, but I am trying.  As someone who has experienced great loss in their life, the natural tendency is to continually question the why and the what of what we do each day and how does this all fits within the the "grand plan" of life (whatever that is).  Does it make sense and if so, why and if not then why not?  Lots of questions yet few answers and even fewer good feelings.

Therefore, I have concluded that when someone is engaging me in a conversation, that I want to then reach out and connect to them.  Because connecting with someone and having a relationship with them is something real and important and unique.  It makes me feel as though I am not some isolated or alienated person who lost their only child to a horrific disease and traumatic experience, but rather, someone who is connecting with another human being.  A connection is made, a relationship started...

I posted tonight's picture because it is one of me and Vicki after having had a nice connection. You can tell by the look on our faces.  I know it sounds corny, but for those of you who know, having someone to connect to in a meaningful way means more than anything in this world.  I am so very fortunate to have someone like Vicki in my life to connect with.  I think the worst thing that could happen to someone is to be disconnected from their world, something I personally could not tolerate nor survive.

So, I say to you, reach out to people, no matter how awkward or silly it may make you feel or appear to be, because it is by connecting to people that you formulate meaningful and substantive relationships in your life, relationships that sustain you, but also forever change you, for the better.  I can testify that this indeed what happened to me when I met Vicki, and is something that forever changed me for the better.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken on August 22 of 2009. What Mattie was holding in his hand was his tooth fairy box. He lost his front tooth that day and he put his tooth in the box with the hopes that the tooth fairy would visit that night and leave him a gift. Mattie did not want money. Instead, he would leave the tooth fairy a note with a specific request each time he lost a tooth. Sometimes he would ask for a Hotwheels car and I remember on one particular occasion he even asked for a necklace made out of raw pasta. A very interesting request indeed! I remember buying that tooth fairy box with Mattie on a trip we took to Florida together. He picked it out himself. I still have this box in my nightstand (with teeth inside), where I keep other mementos of mine. 


Quote of the day: If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else. ~ Booker T. Washington

This morning Peter was sitting at my desk proofing the book chapter. While he was there, he received a real treat! He got to see what I have been talking about..... he saw both a monarch butterfly and a hummingbird. He couldn't capture the butterfly, but he grabbed my phone and snapped a quick photo of the hummingbird in motion. If you look closely you will see the hummingbird is flying on in and targeting my petunias!!!! 

This afternoon, we went out for a walk. I feel like I haven't moved in ages, so walking is a great plan. We went passed Mattie's favorite fountain! I can't tell you how much water shoots up from this fountain, but the spray is INTENSE! The sky was a beautiful blue and Peter seemed to have caught the perfect composition with the Washington Monument in the background. 

At the very top of the fountain are these "Dancing Waters!" Or this is what I call them! Since this is what it looks like to me. It is mesmerizing and I suspect this maybe one of the aspects Mattie found so intriguing besides the sheer volume of the fountain's water.   

The fountain is also surrounded by roses! It is a glorious spot and people who pass by can't help but stop and want to photograph this space! If the water doesn't get you, then the flowers certainly will. 

We continued walking down to the Washington Mall. We spotted the US Park Police on horseback! I happen to love horses and Peter knew I rode horses in high school. I took a photo from afar but Peter suggested we go up to the horses and the officers. So we did. 

The officers were lovely and were very agreeable to take photos and to allow me to pet the horses. The brown horse's name was "Easy" and the bi-colored horse was "Magic." Easy couldn't take his eyes off of me and seemed to truly respond to my conversation with him. Beautiful animals and if you have never rode a horse, you are missing out on a special experience and connection with a wonderful animal. 

For quite some time the tidal pool has been drained and under renovation. We used to take Mattie down to this area often and we have many photos together with the Washington Monument in the background! 

To me no trip to the tidal pool would be complete without looking for ducks! Which is why it is so nice to see the pool filled back up and to have the ducks and the ducklings inhabiting the space again! This photo was taken in honor of Mattie, who loved looking for a mother duck and her ducklings. Mattie's comment would always be, "there is a mama duck and her baby.... just like you and me." Today while I was observing this wonderful sight of this mama duck and her six ducklings, I was watching a mom and her son interact. The little boy wanted to come over and watch the ducks. However, his mom pulled him away from the tidal pool and told him, "you have seen one duck, you have seen them all!" I personally was mortified! That is totally NOT the point on so many levels! What message is this mom sending to her child? No time to stop to watch the ducks? It is a sad commentary to me, and NO, not all ducks are alike! It is like saying all people are like and therefore when you have seen one person you have seen them all! But all of that is besides the point! The child is taking an interest in something in his world and that to me is where a parent needs to step in and embrace and cultivate that interest! 

Friday, August 15, 2014

Friday, August 15, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. This big chair is actually a rocker. We got it when we were expecting Mattie! Thinking this would be the perfect chair to rock Mattie in! The irony was Mattie did not really like sitting or being rocked in a chair!!! I still have this chair, it seems to have migrated around our home. It is now in our bedroom. It was funny that I captured Mattie sitting on this chair because he really did not sit in it much, in fact, I would say Patches (our calico) spent more time in it! I happen to LOVE this chair and as I reflect on this photo, I remember what Mattie was wearing so vividly! It was his summer Scooby Doo pajama set! Mattie was in love with Scooby Doo and though his legs are blocking the picture of Scooby, I remember it well!

Quote of the day: Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. ~ Benjamin Franklin

I think Benjamin Franklin said it so well!!! I usually do not sit back and take kudos. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I am usually hard on myself. But I would have to say in two months time, I not only wrote something worth reading, but I did something worth writing about! I can't take credit for the latter. 

Mattie unfortunately developed cancer and as such, Peter and I were placed in the situation of learning about childhood cancer and being his caregivers under the most dire of circumstances. Of course, how one chooses to be a caregiver is ultimately a personal decision! I would like to think that how we chose to perform our roles however was exemplary. I had no control over Mattie getting cancer. Nonetheless, he set the stage for providing me with something very meaningful and heart wrenching to write about. That did not mean I had to pursue it and do anything at all with this content or my feelings. I could have tried to put them somewhere and navigate through the world without focusing upon them. Like so many people would have liked me to do.....to just LIVE A NORMAL LIFE. The problem is once you lose a child to cancer, your life is NOT normal anymore. Instead, you really have to work hard at figuring out what life will look like for you again. You have to reinvest or recreate yourself. 

In any case, I am mentally tired, emotionally worn out, and physically spent from sitting by a computer for so long this summer. I can say that the chapter is done. I will be proofing it this weekend, but there is no more original content to write and NO MORE re-writes! I am beyond thrilled!!!

This evening I was outside watering in my garden and I could hear people were trying to get my attention. So I looked up! The next building over to me were two women looking down at me and into my garden. They were admiring the garden and they were clearly not from this Country. The first question they asked me was WHERE WAS I FROM?! They truly felt that I could not be from AMERICA! When I insisted I was and that I lived in this particular location for almost 18 years, they were in shock. They did not think that someone from here could put such a garden together. I wasn't sure how to respond, but I knew they meant it as a compliment. When I told them that I call the garden my "secret garden" they smiled and said they could see why! They made me feel very good tonight! I work very hard on the garden and it brings me joy, but I also think seeing this piece of happiness in an area filled with concrete has got to bring sunshine to others. So when people stop me to tell me they notice, it is a gift.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken on August 12 of 2009. That day Peter and Mattie were in the hospital's child life playroom assembling battery operated cars. Peter had two going at once and literally the joke was they labelled one car the "Red Sox" and the other one the "Yankees." These two cars were basically fighting each other in the playroom and crashing into each other. Not unlike the animosity that exists between the two baseball teams! Needless to say Mattie thought the whole thing was hysterical and it brought him great joy to watch this whole scene. 


Quote of the day: To have a good friend is one of the highest delights of life; to be a good friend is one of the noblest and most difficult undertakings. ~ unknown

I am eagerly awaiting the end of the writing phase of this book chapter. You know when you have been on a project for so long, that two things seem to land up happening????!!! One you are so close to the project that what you are writing does not make sense to you any more and two, you are so tired that you just don't have the energy anymore to process what you are reading. I have reached both one and two. I thought I was done, but today, I had more to do. I worked on a section that relates to end of life care and bereavement. These vital issues seemed to be missing in the chapter to some extent. That just couldn't be!!! I could live with this, because that would be negating a whole segment of the cancer population.... the segment in which I fall into! The segment which I believe are the forgotten ones. I felt I couldn't continue perpetrating the same oversight in the literature.  

The highlight of my day and perhaps my week is that my friend Linda came to visit me. I have become friends with Linda this year. My friend Christine introduced Linda to the Mattie Blog and the Foundation and Linda reached out to me on her own. The rest is history. As I tell Linda all the time, she is a great Mattie Miracle Ambassador and I wish I could clone her! Linda wanted to see my garden in person and I must admit I am so used to visiting friends in Alexandria that it is rare when someone says they want to come and visit me. So I was honored. I showed Linda all our renovations and Mattie's things. She has seen them on the blog, but it is different to see them in person.

Linda and I both spend a great deal of time working in front of a computer. But today was different. We both walked to Washington Harbor and had lunch by the Potomac River. We experienced a new restaurant called, Fiola Mare! Fiola Mare's website says the restaurant "Evokes the seaside dining experience found along the coasts of Italy and the Mediterranean, Fiola Mare specializes in the freshest, most pristine seafood prepared with elegant simplicity through delicate and subtle additions of color, flavor and texture. Fiola Mare is a place to enjoy the highest quality seafood and wines paired with the finest hospitality and service in the city. Fabio Trabocchi’s (chef and owner) passion for cooking grew organically beside his father and grandparents growing up in Italy’s Le Marche region." 

The above photo was my view of the River from where I was sitting. Boats and cruises were leaving from the dock all afternoon long. You can see the red Pirate ship docked in the harbor and there were kids waiting dressed in costumes eagerly awaiting their cruise. 

Food was an experience today and our waiter seemed to love food as much as I do! He enjoyed sharing his knowledge and walking you through the menu and he made it come alive for us. This was my lunch entree -- Rockfish -- Melted Leeks, Kusshi Oysters, Prosecco Lemon Zabaglione! If you like lemons and zabaglione sauce, well this sauce was sinful. 

Linda ordered Ahi Tuna Carpaccio which came with  San Marzano Tomatoes, Meyer Lemon,Taggiasche Olives, and Pantelleria Capers. Though the pansies on top caught our eyes for sure!

Naturally the amazing food, service, and views were very special! But the friendship, conversation, and mutual sharing of thoughts and feelings to me was very special. A day to remember by the Potomac.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken on August 12 of 2009. Since by that point we knew that Mattie's cancer had spread to his lungs, his care team wanted to find ways to exercise his lungs. So they gave him an incentive spirometer. Mattie wasn't going to do any therapy per se without a buddy. So I had the dueling spirometers going in the PICU room!!!! Peter and I were used to being Mattie's therapy buddy for all sorts of things..... physical therapy, occupational therapy, you name it! Whatever it took, we did it. If Mattie had to endure it, the least we could do, was help to support him.  

Quote of the day: Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness, yet become something beautiful. ~ unknown 

I spent another day by the computer working on the chapter I am writing. I am hopefully coming to a close with this chapter! Which would be wonderful since I feel like I have become one with the computer. I honestly do not know where the summer has gone, since I have been attached to a computer for most of it doing research, thinking, writing, and re-writing. It has been extremely labor intensive and in addition to that writing about childhood cancer has been emotionally laden work. Especially when it entails weaving Mattie's case history into the chapter, to make the research come alive. 

This afternoon while I was writing, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something flying around outside the window. When I looked up it was a HUGE monarch butterfly. Literally it wasn't by a plant, but fluttering by the window as if it wanted to come inside or tell me a message. Understand that I live in the city! It isn't as if monarchs are typically hanging about here! I was absolutely stunned to see this butterfly. I tried to capture this visit on my cell phone but like all ethereal visits they happen too quickly! I took this visit as a sign from Mattie, a sign about this chapter, about my writing, and just his way of telling me to hang in there --- that it is almost over. 

At the same time that I had my butterfly sighting, my friend the "butterfly whisperer" sent me tonight's quote because she was thinking of me! So apparently she and Mattie were on the same wavelength today! In any case, I am so honored that two of my friends want to read my chapter. That means a lot to me since they have been listening to my chapter saga all summer! It is hard to imagine how difficult this can be, I suppose until one sees the finished product! But here is the reality of all of this..... I have another book chapter due on November 1! I will be taking a break soon for a few weeks, but in September I will right back to writing. The only problem is in addition to writing I will have to balance that with running Foundation events and other Foundation responsibilities!