A Remembrance Video of Mattie

Thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive!

Dear Mattie Blog Readers,

It means a great deal to me that you take the time to write and to share your thoughts, feelings, and reflections on Mattie's battle and death. Your messages are very meaningful and help support me through very challenging times. I am forever grateful. As my readers know, I promised to write the blog for a year after Mattie's death, which would mean that I could technically have stopped writing on September 9, 2010. However, like my journey with grief there is so much that still needs to be processed and fortunately I have a willing support network still committed to reading. Therefore, the blog continues on. If I should find the need to stop writing, I assure you I will give you advanced notice. In the mean time, thank you for reading, thank you for having the courage to share this journey with me, and most importantly thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive.


As Mattie would say, Ooga Booga (meaning, I LOVE YOU)! Vicki



December 2, 2020

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Each December, we took Mattie to the US Botanical Gardens. What I loved about the Gardens were they were kept hot and humid. Almost like Florida on a hot day. In the middle of winter, it was like being transported into a warmer climate. The Gardens also decorated beautifully for the holidays, with trees, flowers, and even motorized trains. Of course Mattie loved the trains. While walking around the Gardens, we got a kick out of this hanging plant. Mattie stood underneath it and I joked with him that it looked like he had a huge head of hair. 



Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • number of people diagnosed with the virus: 13,900,350
  • number of people who died from the virus: 273,170

I got up this morning at 4am. As I can't start the day without a shower! Some people need coffee, I need a shower. Then I wanted to make sure I unloaded the dishwasher and made my mom breakfast. Seemed like a nice way to leave, as I know it is hard on my mom when I am not there to balance the daily grind. 

It was unheard of, I got from my parent's house to the actual airport gate (meaning through security) in 45 minutes. During pre-COVID times it can take 90 minutes negotiating through traffic to get to the airport, and then another 30 or more minutes to get through security. Once at the airport, it was decorated for Christmas and can you see the Christmas train up near the window arches? Mattie LOVED his Christmas train that would circulate around our tree. He would have appreciated this sighting today! In any case, I had to snap a photo! But despite sitting in a terminal waiting to board a plane with a mask on for HOURS, it was nice to be surrounded by Christmas lights and music. It actually made the mood lighter. 

If someone showed me this photo, I would immediately know it is LAX, the Los Angeles Airport. Not because of the control tower, but because of that funny dome liked structure to the right of the tower. That is the FAMOUS Theme Building, which once housed a restaurant. 




LAX is undergoing major expansion and modernization, including a new people-mover train scheduled to open in 2023, Los Angeles World Airports officials are looking for ways to bring a hotel into the core area that includes the Theme Building. Some say that the Theme was designed to symbolize a jet-age future, it looks like a big, white, concrete-and-steel spider. Since 1961, it has loomed over the airport as an icon of the Midcentury Modern style in Southern California. Beneath its twin parabolic arches, there’s a big, round, glass-walled dining room (now idle) that generations of confused travelers have mistaken for the airport’s traffic control tower. Above the restaurant area is an observation deck (also mostly idle). Airport officials are not suggesting the Theme Building become a hotel. But they’re wondering whether it might work as a restaurant or conference center with a hotel next door or nearby. That would be LAX’s first on-site lodging.


It was another beautiful day in LA! My view during take off. 
Look closely, do you see the faint Mattie Moon staring at me?

Because of my issues with motion and anxiety over flying, I now had to have a window seat. I need to control that window shade, because I find looking out helps both my stomach and my brain. Yet the one down fall is that I have to jump over my seat mate to get to the bathroom. My seat mate today was a pip. He came in smelling of marijuana. I am not a fan of this substance and I definitely am not a proponent of legalizing pot. If you disagree, then I suggest you spend some time living in a city where it is legalized, like DC. The smell is noxious and though you aren't supposed to smoke it in public, it is everywhere and is sickening. I am waiting for the evidence years from now that cites the mental health and physical consequences such as cancer from legalizing what once was a controlled substance. Needless to say, I felt like I smelled like him throughout the flight. 

Any case, at some point during the flight, I had to get my seat mate up so I could use the restroom. When I approached the restroom, a female flight attendant told me someone was in the bathroom and I had to go back to my seat and wait. That I couldn't wait near the airplane door. I literally said no! I know how this works, if I returned to my seat I would then be competing with others who also need to go. So she walked away from me, and I spoke with her male colleague. A much more pleasant and professional individual. I basically told him that his colleague is a "piece of work."

When I entered the plane this morning, I said hello to this same female flight attendant and commented that it was an early morning. Of which her retort was.... it did not bother her because she was on East coast time. A very self involved person, and clearly not good at greeting people and making small talk. So she already set me off. Then when she confronted me about waiting for the restroom, I had it. I told her male colleague that if she said one more thing to me, I was writing her up!


My view flying into DC. I was happy to at least see the sun, and not be greeted with DC grayness.
You know you have landed in DC!
Peter shared this photo with me today! Indie can't leave Peter alone, and was jumping all around him while he was working at his desk. 

December 1, 2020

Tuesday, December 1, 2020

Tuesday, December 1, 2020 -- Mattie died 583 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. I personally think this photo is priceless! It captures the whimsy and eclectic nature of Mattie. Mattie had one foot in his own shoe and the other in Peter's shoe. Not to mention had Peter's baseball cap on his head as well as a Santa hat. Mind you it was December, so why not wear sunglasses inside!!!? I can't help but look at this photo even now and chuckle. 





Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • number of people diagnosed with the virus: 13,709,452
  • number of people who died from the virus: 270,481

Peter sent me this photo today. Why? Because from this scene I can tell that Sunny is UNHAPPY! Sunny is an emotional fellow and needs a lot of attention each and every day. When he feels his needs are NOT met, he starts picking up pillows from our couch with his mouth and throws them on the floor. Honestly when we first got Sunny, I would notice on occasion that Indie's cat pillows seemed to be on the floor. Pillows that typically were on our chairs. I was confused because these pillows couldn't have just fallen and Indie couldn't have moved them, so by the process of information, I deduced that it was Sunny! It is my understanding that Sunny is eagerly awaiting my arrival. 

Today was my last full day in Los Angeles. I fly home tomorrow, and return to LA on December 19. It has been a whirlwind of two weeks. However, you name it and I did it today...... from loads of laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, pharmacy trip, brain games, physical therapy exercises, changed beds, helped my mom with paper work and the list goes on. My joke is that a need a mini camera on my head for people to see what my day looks like. It is truly hard to describe. My parents have a beautiful backyard, the weather has been glorious, and I don't have a even five minutes to sit outside and catch my breath. 

Signing off as I leave for the airport at 5:30am! 

November 30, 2020

Monday, November 30, 2020

Monday, November 30, 2020

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. That day I went into Mattie's kindergarten class and read the book by Jan Brett, the Gingerbread Baby. It was a book given to me by Margaret, Mattie's preschool teacher. She loved it because the main character's name was Matti. After I read the story, I brought in home made gingerbread baby cookies, that the children got to decorate. I made royal icing and had all sorts of candies for the children to use to decorate their creation. I am so glad I never missed an opportunity to get involved and to be in the classroom to experience Mattie with his friends. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • number of people diagnosed with the virus: 13,525,899
  • number of people who died from the virus: 267,888

Since the Governor has shut down in-person dining since November 25, I have been cooking at my parent's home. Given my dad's track record this year with NOT eating at home, I was worried that he wouldn't eat anything I cooked. So far, he has done well and appears to have an appetite. But I have been busy cooking in addition to doing a host of other tasks and chores, which is definitely not sustainable for my mom. The pace here is sickening.

As I was looking for a bowl to serve broccoli in this evening, I found this pretty blue bowl. Where did it come from? Peter! Peter is a potter, did you know that? He created this bowl when he was in high school. The bowl is the perfect shape, a brilliant color, and very durable! As my parents have had it for over two decades. 
Since we were cooped up all day today, my mom and I went outside for a five minute walk up the block and back. My parent's street is decorated for Christmas, and it was a magical highlight of our day. 
I am not sure how holiday lights are done in residential areas on the East coast. But in Los Angeles, there are professional companies that you can hire to set up a light display at your home. While I have been in LA for two weeks, I have seen many of these professionals working on the neighbors' houses!
A charming and colorful glow.
This house had lights everywhere! 
Somehow I love the two swans on the front lawn... but following the 12 days of Christmas song, I really wanted to see 7 swans a swimming! Where are the other 5?
Frosty!
The all white light look is beautiful and I believe it is trying to capture the feeling of snow and icicles. 
Can you see the twinkling stars?
My favorite! It was grand, yet elegant. My photo doesn't do justice to this incredible display. 
Love the stars!
Do you remember the TV Christmas Special, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? If so, then you know who is up in the tree  is the Abominable Snowman. I can't remember how many times we saw that movie with Mattie. 
















In memory of the many times we saw this movie..............



Snowflakes in the trees! Today was close to 79 degrees, so no wonder they appreciate seeing snowflakes in the trees! 
Wonderful to see the trees aglow especially during the never ending lockdown. 


November 29, 2020

Sunday, November 29, 2020

Sunday, November 29, 2020

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Next to Mattie was the birthday girl, Charlotte. If you asked Mattie who Charlotte was, he'd tell you..... "my girlfriend." Mattie was quite certain he was going to marry Charlotte and also be her college roommate. They met each other in kindergarten and bonded the first day of school. I think they brought out the best in each other. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, Charlotte was the first friend to visit him in the hospital. When other parents and children stopped coming to visit as Mattie progressively got more ill, Charlotte kept on coming. Their connection was a true testament to the power of love and friendship. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • number of people diagnosed with the virus: 13,374,162
  • number of people who died from the virus: 266,838

What a difference a day makes. I had my mom on Tylenol and Advil around the clock yesterday. The Shingles vaccine hit her hard, but with a lot of rest and TLC, she bounced right back. In fact, my dad's caregiver was very worried about my mom yesterday. She thought my mom was very sick, but given that I am very familiar with the side effects of the Shingles shot, I knew how to help my mom. Naturally, we are all focused on my dad, but my mom's health is equally crucial. Because she is the important piece of the puzzle that enables them to live independently. My biggest fear is that my mom gets ill and she won't be able to care for my dad or herself. Given that I am 2,500 miles away, it isn't like I can get in a car and support them. I feel like we need a crisis management plan in place, if such a scenario plays out. So this weighs on my mind. 

This is a photo of my parent's street. They live on a cul de sac and it is a beautiful and peaceful tree lined street. Yesterday and today, we had my dad walk up this street for 8 minutes and walk back to the house for 8 minutes. My dad can't do this trip without an entourage, as his caregiver spots him and holds onto him with gait belt around his waist and I am trailing after them with a wheelchair. As my dad takes a five minute break between 8 minute walk stints. 

You would think while my dad's caregivers are here, that we can take a break! Forget it! When they are here, I am either managing them, working with them and my dad, or running around and doing chores that I can't do when they aren't with us. There is NO break what so ever. I am worn out, and much younger than my mom. So I worry about how sustainable this pace is for her. 

My dad's caregiver today said I missed my calling. She feels I should have been a medical doctor. She can't get over how I manage both of my parents and address all their needs, and also advocate for them with health care providers. All I know is I have had a lot of practice interfacing with the medical world, which maybe why I learned a thing or two. 

Since Thursday, I have been cooking all meals for my parents. Eating at home is not something they are accustomed to doing and I have been worried that my dad wouldn't eat. So far he has been doing very well with everything I have cooked. But I am worn out as balancing my dad's every needs and also cooking is challenging. When I am here, my mom and I eat at the same pace and we converse while eating. But when I am not here, for my mom its like eating alone. My dad focuses on his food, tunes out, and eats fast. It is hard to see the transformation in my dad and of course I know my mom has lost the partner she once knew. But here's the thing, without going out to lunch, I feel 100% trapped in the house. I can't leave, because my dad really doesn't have the energy to do much after his morning routine of brain exercises and physical therapy exercise. After his caregiver leaves, he sits in his recliner. Then we have an early dinner, and back to his chair he goes. He can't be left alone at home either. As he is fragile and needs help and support to go to the bathroom, and has many other demands that have to be met. So without the ability to go out for lunch, it is like never seeing the light of day. 

Meanwhile Sunny and Peter went out for a long walk today! I hear Sunny and Indie are very happy to be back in their own home. 


November 28, 2020

Saturday, November 28, 2020

Saturday, November 28, 2020

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. As you can see, Mattie's left arm still had a cast on it, as did his right leg. Mattie was unable to walk independently, and he reverted back to sliding his backend along the floor to get around. Mattie always wanted to learn to play the piano. Prior to his diagnosis, I enrolled him in lessons. But unfortunately Mattie was never able to attend. Nonetheless, that day, Mattie got himself to the piano bench and started creating his own musical pieces. Our composer! 




Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • number of people diagnosed with the virus: 13,233,022
  • number of people who died from the virus: 266,009

My alarm went off at 6am, and I did not want to move. But I knew I had to, so I got showered and dressed and began my morning of chores. Given that my parents both got the second dosage of the shingles vaccine yesterday, I was prepared for anything today. As I suspected my mom came down with bad side effects. She was achy, fatigued, her eyes were heavy, she had a headache, and in my opinion she had to go back to bed. She refused. So I started her on Tylenol and Advil every four hours, alternating each every two hours (a trick I learned from several doctors). I gave my mom breakfast and then she sat in a comfy chair with heating pads, blankets and pillows. She has slept most of the day. 

Thankfully my dad's caregiver was here today. Because after we did an 18 minute walk with my dad and brain exercises, I hopped in the car and went grocery shopping, went to the dry cleaner (as I found several of my parents clothing needed a thorough cleaning), and filled the car with gas. I got back home and put everything away and relieved the caregiver. I spent the rest of the afternoon chopping vegetables and making homemade chicken soup. 

My dad is a very finicky eater and can get turned off to food at home. But so far he ate Thanksgiving dinner, leftovers, and now homemade chicken soup. That said, there is no telling whether he will eat this soup if served to him another day! It was my mom who requested this soup today, since her stomach did not feel like eating turkey. 
If I wore a camera on my head all day, I think you would get a chuckle at how much I am running around. Literally I am constantly moving from the moment I get up until about after dinner. But its a temporary break, because I have to help my dad up the stairs and get him ready for bed. A routine my mom does daily. Which explains why she is wiped out and I am cognizant of the fact that they can live independently only because my mom is in good health. But this pace could definitely impact her health and this situation. 

While shopping today, I saw this cute pine tree. I bought it and decorated it. I find between lockdowns and the medical situation we are balancing........ lights and holiday cheer are mandatory to get through the days. 

November 27, 2020

Friday, November 27, 2020

Friday, November 27, 2020

Tonight's picture was taken the day after Thanksgiving of 2008. This was a post-Thanksgiving Day tradition Mattie and Peter had with each other. They would get out Christmas lights and decorate our commons area. Each year, Mattie got to pick out another outdoor light to add to the collection. In 2008, Mattie picked out this Scooby Doo themed light. Our light displays used to be fantastic and our neighbors always thanked us. There have been NO MORE light displays from us since 2008. Thanksgiving 2008, was VERY difficult. Mattie was home recovering from surgeries and it was at that point, I could see he had PTSD symptoms. In addition to dealing with trauma, Mattie was also very depressed. A horrible thing for any parent to witness and remember. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • number of people diagnosed with the virus: 13,086,367
  • number of people who died from the virus: 264,842

I literally pulled myself out of bed at 6am. I couldn't get up any earlier. I got a lot accomplished before my dad's caregiver came at 8am. After breakfast, I do daily cognitive brain games with my dad. He doesn't like doing them, but he knows I don't take no for an answer. 

Mid morning, my mom and I went for a 45 minute walk. Now that we are really locked down, these walks are crucial for our mental sanity. While walking the neighborhood, I spotted this! Quite an impressive Thanksgiving display no? If you look closely on the left (9 o'clock position) you will see a real pumpkin vine with an actual pumpkin growing on it. Mattie would have loved this. I can't wait to see what this house does for Christmas. 

While cooking today, I looked out the kitchen window and saw golfers on the course. A sighting that I have come to enjoy and appreciate. But here's the ironic analogy. When Mattie was in treatment, there was a hospital room that we often were in that faced Georgetown University's soccer field. The field was ALWAYS busy with "normal" activity. Back then, while Mattie and I were trapped inside the hospital living anything but a normal life, I would look out at the soccer field and it made me feel like I was imprisoned. That I wasn't living a life anymore that others on the OUTSIDE could understand or appreciate. Though Mattie's situation and my dad's are like night and day, aspects of feeling isolated and trapped are really quite similar. This golf course today triggered my memory of the soccer field, both evoking similar feelings.

Despite the fact that my dad dislikes leftovers, he agreed to have left over turkey today. At this point, I am sick of seeing this bird! But I put together another mini Thanksgiving dinner tonight. Unfortunately about 40 minutes into the eating process, my dad's irritable bowel syndrome kicked in. After helping him in the bathroom, eating was no longer appealing. I worry when I am not here, how my mom will balance eating at home. My dad no longer is emotionally or cognitively present with us when eating. He eats, but he is solely focused on that process and while eating he can have many requests and demands (as if he doesn't realize we are eating too), making it difficult to actually eat. I can balance this and eat faster, but my mom can't. So needless to say I am worried about both of them and their ability to eat and maintain weight. 
 

After dinner, I went into the garage and pulled out some Christmas decorations. Those of you who know me, know that I DO NOT decorate my own home for Christmas. I haven't since 2008, when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. After Mattie died, so did Christmas. But things can be challenging and at times depressing here. So I figured seeing some lights and holiday colors may help the situation.
Though I wanted to buy a real tree, my parents are opposed to one. My dad is afraid the house will catch on fire. I gave up rationalizing on this. While I was decorating my parents were both napping. I took them to get the second dosage of their shingles vaccine and it is my hope they won't get any side effects. Getting a shingles shot should be easy, but nothing was easy about this process today, as the pharmacy seemed dysfunctional and it took them over an hour to get to my parents. NOT because of other patients, they were just scattered and bordering on unprofessional. While waiting an hour to get their shots, my dad found a box of gloves by the pharmacy. He literally couldn't help himself and one by one he started taking gloves out of the box and stuffed 18 gloves in his pocket. I literally had to intervene because there is no filter or boundaries anymore.

Thursday, November 26, 2020

Thursday, November 26, 2020

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie received this cute turkey hat from his school counselor. When he placed it on his head, I naturally snapped a photo! I am so glad that I did, as this to me is the quintessential Thanksgiving photo! In all reality it was amazing that Mattie was able to smile and could take his mind off his treatments, surgeries, and the pain. I am not so sure I could have done the same if I were in his shoes. It was the beauty of Mattie, and his spirit comes shinning through his adorable face.  




Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • number of people diagnosed with the virus: 12,883,845
  • number of people who died from the virus: 263,455

Today was my mom's birthday. Yes a Thanksgiving Day baby! Though we are in lock down and things are challenging with my dad, I wanted to make the day special for my mom. Which meant trying to give her time to sleep and rest. 

I woke up at 5:45am, and started my day. I asked my dad's caregiver NOT to come today. As this is just something else to balance. So I prepped for Thanksgiving Dinner, and then by 8am, I went upstairs and got my dad up, showered, and dressed. Then we went downstairs and he had breakfast and we chatted until my mom came down. 

My mom opened cards and presents and later in the day, I snapped some photos of her outside in the backyard. Their house borders on a golf course, which I happen to love. I enjoy the greenery and chatting with the golfers. It is never boring outside. In any case, my goal today was to make my mom feel special. 

Though we were going no where, I am glad my mom got dressed up. She looked beautiful and was in good spirits. 
The beauty of Thanksgiving day orange. 
We had two family friends over tonight. I have known John and Phyllis a long time. Specifically, I knew John when I was a teenager. This gives you some idea for the length of time I am talking about. John and my dad worked together and outside of work, we all had weekly dinners. So in a way, I grew up with John. Because of COVID, my parents haven't seen John since February. Today was the first time in almost ten months. So in a way it was a very celebratory occasion.
Mind you my parents moved into this house in June. So this is our first Thanksgiving or bigger meal here. I can safely say I HATE this house's oven. It is too small and its temperature is NOT accurate. Thankfully I had allotted more time than necessary to cook the turkey, otherwise, we would have had a raw bird. Despite the temperature issue, the oven is also too small and can only fit one cooking rack in it when roasting a large bird. It made it impossible to cook anything else while the turkey was in the oven. I had to put casserole dishes directly on the floor of the oven, and of course the bottom of items burnt. Needless to say it frustrated me to know end. 
The Thanksgiving/Birthday Feast. I have been slowly prepping one dish at a time this week. I have no idea how anyone can put a large dinner together in just one day. I know I can't, especially when juggling other issues. 
The birthday girl and her apple pie!



November 25, 2020

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Tonight's picture was taken on November 23, 2008. We were home from the hospital for about two weeks, so Mattie could recover from his limb salvaging surgeries. We may have been at home, but Mattie still went into clinic weekly to receive his immunotherapy medication and for check ups. Nonetheless, to accommodate Mattie's recovery, our living room was transformed into a make shift hospital. We had a hospital bed delivered and a commode. As you can see Nurse Patches, our calico cat, stuck close to Mattie. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.

  • number of people diagnosed with the virus: 12,769,915
  • number of people who died from the virus: 262,132



This morning while looking out the window while having breakfast, I saw this. We have a resident squirrel. He picks oranges and then sits on the wall and eats them. He is a riot to watch. His life is made with all the fruit trees around here. In any case, this was the most peaceful part of my day, and I celebrate the small things. 














Today was our LAST lunch out! We said good-bye to all the wonderful servers, the managers and the owner of Paty's Restaurant. Paty's has been in Burbank, CA for over 50 years. Like my parents there are lots of other steady customers. So much so, that  even I recognize them! As we were walking out of the restaurant a couple of diners, in their 70s, stopped us. They commiserated about the closing of restaurants and we are hold out hope that the County reconsiders, because right now outdoor dining is planned to be closed at least through January. In any case, this couple wished us a Happy Thanksgiving. I am telling you it is Burbank's equivalent to Cheers. 

This evening I baked an apple pie. The recipe I use belongs to my husband's family. To me it is the best apple pie ever. 

What do you think of my lattice?
Okay here is the trick! The pie is baked at 450 degrees in a stapled paper bag. Why? Well first it traps all juices so they don't go all over the oven, but it also locks the juices in! To me the bag is the secret ingredient. 
The final product! Recently I learned the benefits of using an egg wash on top of a pie. It helps it cook more evenly and gives it an even brown color on top!
Meanwhile, check this out! Sunny has taken over the couch and enjoys a cat nap with Peter's mom.