Saturday, September 20, 2025

Saturday, September 20, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old. That day, we took out his ride-on fire engine into our commons area. This commons area was a God sent in the city because it was fully enclosed and secure. It was in this space that Mattie learned to walk, run, fly a kite, bicycle ride, and of course drive Speedy Red. Though this fire truck was something Mattie could sit on, he NEVER did! He either pushed it by the handle or incorporated into his play schemes. I can't tell you how many times it got hosed down and washed by Mattie! 

Quote of the day: It has been said ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. ~ Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

Last night I decided to work on my Amazon Wish List. Each Fall, I run a Snack and Item Drive for the Foundation. Ever since COVID, this Drive has been virtual. I can assure you I miss the vibrancy, community, and camaraderie of our LIVE drives. I loved meeting our supporters and reconnecting with friends over a common goal.... stocking our Carts which we host at local hospitals, that support families caring for children with cancer. Any case, though it is my personal Amazon account, I could not get the account to show my thumbnail photo. It instead showed a completely different photo (NOT OF ME!). I tried everything I could to update this photo and I got nowhere! So at that point, I had to contact Amazon. 

Amazon is a huge company and one would think.... who is going to help me with my small problem? Well thankfully it is very easy to access customer support on-line. I must have worked on this issue for over two hours. In that time period, I worked with four different customer service people. Once the on-line folks realized they couldn't help me, they triaged me to their phone support. The last representative I spoke to was truly an amazing woman. I told her she was a miracle worker. I say this because the first three people couldn't figure out how to solve my problem. Keep in mind each time I was triaged up the ladder of support, I had to explain my story ALL OVER AGAIN. 

When I got connected to the miracle worker, she asked me to explain what was going on. This led me to explain that I am now divorced and I want the thumbnail in my account to be ONLY of me. Instead of skipping over what I was saying, she literally said to me.... I am so sorry to hear about your divorce and I am hoping you are in a better place now. NOTE that I said nothing to her about how I was feeling or any of the context regarding my divorce. This was just one human being talking to another human being, and that meant understanding that a divorce is an adjustment and a loss. So not only was this a competent and bright individual, she was a sensitive and intuitive one.

Any case, I learned that you can change your Amazon thumbnail photo by typing in "YOUR PROFILE" in the Amazon search bar. This was the only way I could upload a new image, as I got no where using the "my profile" or "Amazon family" link. This representative stayed with me on the phone for the entire time. I told her I did not want to hang up until I could see the changes in real time, and since no one else was able to help me, I did not want to lose her expertise. She understood! After making the changes, the thumbnail on my Wish List wouldn't refresh to the new photo! It was at that point that she told me it could take up to 24 hours for the system to catch up with this change. That was hard for me to comprehend, but I told her I would check on my account in the morning and if I still had problems I would call back. This morning, bright and early, I went to my computer, and VOILA..... she was correct, the thumbnail is now of ME! Though I am unhappy about so many of the changes I have had to make, I am grateful there are wonderful people along my journey who are there to help me when I can't figure out things for myself. 

Friday, September 19, 2025

Friday, September 19, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That day we took Mattie to a park. We had a picnic together and did some exploring. As you can see..... look what Mattie found and wanted to take home with us!!!!! YES a large piece of a tree trunk. Sometimes Mattie made me laugh! At one time, we had quite the collection in our commons area in the city of all of Mattie's finds! You name it... leaves, stones, acorns, branches, and of course pine cones!

Quote of the day: We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world — the company of those who have known suffering. ~ Helen Keller

I honestly can't make up what my day looked like today! It is naturally overwhelming, without me even trying to embellish it! I got up at 5am because I was expecting the doorbell/camera fellow to come over and install my new bell. This issue has been going on for two weeks now. The first visit from this company occurred on Monday, because no one could triage this problem remotely. Monday's visit also required a 5am wake up from me, in order for me to get myself together and complete my morning routine, which includes showering, dressing, and getting my dad downstairs. When the tech came over on Monday, he said he couldn't install a new system because I needed a new doorbell transformer. That triggered a visit from my electrician on Monday, and to reschedule another visit from the doorbell company today. I booked it with the tech in my house on Monday, to ensure that I would get the same person today. Well 8am rolled around, 8:30am rolled around, and then 9am rolled around and NO TECH! So I called the company. They let me know that I was assigned another tech and he got called to another home before mine! That was when I lost it! I made a formal complaint because when I book a certain time slot, I expect it to be honored and if something unforeseen happens, then CALL THE CUSTOMER FOR GOODNESS SAKES! That should be customer service 101!

Any case, given that my timing was off with this appointment, I had to figure out what to do! I still had to take my dad to his memory care program and I had to get Indie to the vet for her annual exam. So I decided first to take my dad. After I dropped him off, I got home and I still did not receive a call from the tech with an update on his timing. So I told my mom.... let me take Indie to the vet early! I explained to my mom what she had to say to the tech and most importantly she had to keep him in the house until I got back home. So I went to find Indie in the house, which is no easy feat. Anyone who owns a cat knows..... cats HATE change and they most definitely hate going into a carrying cage/bag. But Indie had no idea what hit her this morning. Given that Indie's nails are long, I figured I had to protect myself, which was why I covered her with a sweatshirt and lifted her into the case. Overall, Indie is about the sweetest cat one could ask for. She has become my good buddy and my night time companion. This was a photo of Indie last night. It's her routine. When I head upstairs to bed, she is right alongside me, demanding attention, demanding that I settle down and pet her. Truly she is my pet therapy!

Okay back to getting Indie in her carrying case! Once in her case, I drove to the vet. As I was pulling in, the tech called. Of course, telling me he was on his way! I described the entire problem over the phone, he asked good questions, and I told him my mom was home and that I would be back shortly! While talking to the tech, I saw a dog being wheeled out on a stretcher. NOT WHAT I NEEDED TO SEE, as this reminded me of the day Sunny was put to sleep! Putting your pet to sleep is one of those gut wrenching things responsible pet owners will ever have to do. Our pets become a part of our home, lives, routines, and hearts! When they leave us, a hole remains. 

When I got inside the vet waiting room, I literally put the carrying case right on top of my lap. That seemed to calm Indie down.  I really LIKE Indie's vet. She loves cats and Indie responds to her! I explained my concerns to the vet, that Indie continues to poop outside of her litter box. I told her that I moved up her annual exam because I wanted to make sure there was not a physical explanation for this behavior! The vet gave her a thorough exam, took blood work, and is doing testing on a stool sample. The good news is Indie is healthy and her blood work is normal. For a senior cat, she is thankfully in good shape. Way to go Miss Indie! Today's recommendation was Feliway. It is a pheromone that supposedly naturally relaxes cats. I shall see if I want to do this!

Then Indie and I came home and I met the tech. The tech was from Sierra Leone. He was bright, extremely helpful, very patient and completed the work beautifully! We loved him so much, those of you who know me well know what I am going to say next..... yes I got his name, tech ID, cell phone number, and now have another amazing professional to add to my ever growing rolodex for this house. He was my doorbell angel today. 

So in a sea of great stress, great adjustment, and great sorrow...... I will never lose sight of those placed in my path who help me. Today it was Indie's vet, my doorbell angel, and Thank GOD for Evan who helped me with the pool today. He turned it from a murky mess back to its beautiful blue color. I have my marching orders this weekend on what to do with the pool, and this is yet another thing I am learning how to assess, care for, and manage. 

Thursday, September 18, 2025

Thursday, September 18, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. We were in Los Angeles visiting with my parents. Their next door neighbor, Betty, was very fond of Mattie. So when Mattie visited, she always sent over things that belonged to her grandchildren. During that visit, Betty gave Mattie this cute table and chair and of course Mattie love it and incorporated it into his play schemes. Two things always came with Mattie.... his sippy cup of milk and a toy vehicle of some sort! 

Quote of the day: We do not "get over" a death. We learn to carry the grief and integrate the loss in our lives. In our hearts, we carry those who have died. We grieve and we love. We remember.” ~ Nathalie Himmelrich

My days are a blur! Today was no different. I looked out the window this morning at the pool and was disgusted. It looks like a dirty bathtub. Because the water level has been down for weeks now, the pool filters and skimmers have been turned off. Otherwise they would have burned out. However, this current state is not sustainable. I am sure I am driving my pool company crazy! As I now am working directly with the owner of the company and sending her daily updates and pictures. They come back out tomorrow to try to help me address this murky mess, as I still awaiting a quote to resurface part of the pool. I can't wait to see the cost of that, but at this point I have no choice but to deal with it, because the patch of the cracks did not solve the problem. Each day, is another crisis and I hate it all. I hate facing this alone and managing everything on my own. It just isn't fair, but then again, I learned a long time ago, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Truly given all that has happened to me, I struggle with what is the point of life and my daily existence.

My dad had his physical therapy session today. This particular therapist gets my dad outside and into the backyard when the weather is nice. I am so glad she insists on this because otherwise my dad would never get to the backyard. Of course no session would be complete without multiple bathroom incidences, which is why I can never leave the house during a therapy session. 

Once the session was over, both of my parents rested. My mom is a mess. She is depleted from the flu shot. While they were resting, I went to the grocery store. I had to get this chore over with because on Friday, I am up again at 5am, in order to balance my morning routine and then work with the doorbell fellow at 8am. This is round two of the doorbell saga. When this fellow first visited on Monday, he told me he couldn't install a new doorbell because I needed a new doorbell transformer. That sent me down another rabbit hole, but thanks to Bob the electrician, I now have the transformer in place. I just hope tomorrow goes smoothly because I have a tight time line in which I will be juggling the repair person, getting my dad to his memory care program and then taking Indie for her annual vet appointment. I feel like I am constantly on a thread mill, running from one chore, task, or crisis to another.  

Wednesday, September 17, 2025

Wednesday, September 17, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was four years old. Where ever I was, Mattie wasn't far behind. I was working in the kitchen and Mattie brought in his tinker toys and was creating. Mattie was always building, creating, or doing something. He was the best multi-tasker I knew! He had a way of filling our home with energy, happiness, and joy. When Mattie died, he left an incredible hole in my day to day existence and of course forever changed my future. 

Quote of the day: Grief I've learned is just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go. ~ Anonymous

This morning before waking my dad up, I got an email from my doctor about my test results. I went to see this doctor last week, a visit that I have put off for about two years. In any case, I could have ignored the email and opened it at another time, but I said NO! My health has to be factored into this daily grind and therefore, I might as well check out the message so it doesn't weigh on me all day. What I learned from Mattie is that a TEST RESULT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN AN INSTANT. Which is why nothing in my mind is ever routine. As soon as I opened the results, I could see my doctor's message to me that everything was negative. Negative may have bad connotations in all other contexts, but when you are awaiting test results, it is the most glorious word ever! After seeing "negative," I then sat for just a second and said THANK GOD. Because there is no way I could juggle a health crisis, caregiving, and doing all of this alone. So today's blessing, and truly any day that I am not sick, is my health. Of which I never take that for granted. 

After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I met with our contractor. He came to talk with me about the bathroom remodel that will be underway in October. Here's the funny thing, I have gotten used to the big hole in my dining room ceiling and not having an extra bathroom upstairs. I actually just block all of this out, which maybe my coping mechanism for survival because I am still dealing with the saga of the leaking pool and a doorbell that doesn't work. 

I was introduced to this contractor through my neighbor and I have already worked with him, as he fixed the portico that was rotted over my front door. I am definitely not looking forward to having extra people in the house, because what I juggle in any given day is hard. But I am mentally preparing for noise, debris, and whatever else this renovation brings. Today's visit was helpful, as I am narrowing down the products that I need to order. 

Meanwhile, my mom is having flu like symptoms today from the flu shot she received yesterday. So I am concerned because any cough or congestion can trigger her more significant lung condition. When I asked myself today.... how much more can I take? I happened to look out the window at the same time and observed flying in mid-air one of our amazing hummingbirds. These creatures fascinate me, they make me pause, and of course I wonder...... Mattie did you send me this sign to let me know you are with me?

Tuesday, September 16, 2025

Tuesday, September 16, 2025 -- Mattie died 812 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that weekend we took him peach picking. This was my first time ever peach picking too! As I always would say, Mattie opened up a whole new world for me. I can't tell you how many peaches we picked that day! They were glorious! We brought them home and I made all sorts of things like jams, breads, and muffins. Don't you just love Mattie's smile? He loved being outside, exploring nature, and through him I learned to appreciate the world around me. 

Quote of the day: We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad. ~ John Green

This afternoon, I took my parents for flu shots. This is a shot that always makes me nervous, because I am afraid of getting flu like symptoms from the vaccine. This used to happen to me in the past which was why I avoided this vaccine at all costs. Since my parents moved in and I care for them full-time, I have elected to get the flu shot each year. I truly can't afford to get sick. Because if I don't function, then my house would come to a standstill. The fellow who gave us the shot today was lovely and very kind to each of my parents. 

While waiting to get the vaccine, there was an older couple in the process of getting jabbed with the flu shot. They were doing this together and they were so supportive of each other. As I always say, things are better when you have a significant other to lean on. After the woman got her shot, he then helped her up from the chair and told her.... it's time to go for ice cream! What a guy!!! That notion brought a big smile to her face. It was a touching sight to observe, because truly it is the simple things in life, I have found that matter the most.  

Once we all received the vaccine, I took my parents for frozen yogurt. It is much harder now taking my parents anywhere, because I have to help my mom out of the car as she needs to hold my arm to get from place to place. Which means I first address and assist her and then go back to the car to get my dad up and out. While helping my mom to the store, a young man came running over to help me. He literally held the door open for my mom and escorted her in, while I went back to the car to get my dad. I thanked this fellow and he smiled, as if it was to say.... no problem. His act of kindness has remained with me all day, mainly because I am used to managing all of this myself. But here a complete stranger could see that I needed an extra hand and somehow that changed my outlook about the day. Anyone who thinks they can't make a difference in this world, would be wrong, as I believe a kind act is like throwing a pebble in water. The ripple effect, though subtle, translates down to everyone in its path. 

Later this evening, while making dinner, we lost power three or four times. Thankfully we have a generator, but even with the generator, not everything works in the house and frankly I can't remember what is on the generator and what is not. So when certain things in the kitchen weren't working, I freaked out! Yet my freaking out accomplishes nothing, because there is no one in the house who is able to help me figure it out and manage the issue. Of course while trying to why certain sockets in the kitchen weren't working, my mom was asking me a thousand times what was happening to the power and better yet what was happening to the TV. It is in these moments I get frazzled. It is in these moments where I feel very fragile and vulnerable, and miss the way my life used to be. 

Any case, I was so strung out about the electrical issues, that I text messaged Bob, my electrician. He and my plumber understand that I balancing way too much on my own, and therefore, when I contact them, they get back to me immediately. So today, I am thankful for the kind fellow who gave us our vaccines, the wonderful man who lent me a hand with my mom, and for Bob. It makes all the difference in the world knowing that when things go wrong in this house, WHICH THEY DO CONSTANTLY, that I have professionals who go the extra mile to support me. 

Monday, September 15, 2025

Monday, September 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. That week my parents and I took Mattie to San Diego. We were staying on the island of Coronado. Outside the hotel was this fountain filled with swans and flamingoes. Mattie just loved visiting this fountain. When we got up to the fountain, I asked Mattie to give me his impression of a flamingo! So this was 'Mattie the Flamingo' in action!

Quote of the day: The grief within me has its own heartbeat. It has its own life, its own song. Part of me wants to resist the rhythms of my grief, yet as I surrender to the song, I learn to listen deep within myself. ~ Alan Wolfelt

I got up at 5am this morning. I needed to do this in order to do my usual morning routine and then work with the fellow who was coming over at 8am to fix my doorbell. As I told him, you never know how important a doorbell is until you don't have one! If you have been following along on this blog, then you know that nothing I have experienced so far has gone smoothly or easily. I was really hoping that I would get the doorbell and camera replaced and then things would go back to normal within an hour! Of course not! No matter what we tried, we couldn't get this camera to work or pair with my phone. So he concluded I needed a whole new device. FINALLY! I have been saying this for over a week. As he was trying to install the new device, he stopped and then said he couldn't! That we have a problem! OF COURSE WE DO! I am getting used to this reality.

So what was the problem? Well apparently new doorbell devices need a voltage of 16-24 volts. However, my doorbell transformer provided only 13 volts. While he was telling me this, I was thinking..... I do not care about hearing about voltage, I just want this thing fixed. He then explained to me that I needed to hire an electrician, because this kind of wiring he DOES NOT do! Again, my reaction to myself was..... OF COURSE, why should this be easy!? Then he said to me that it is hard to get electricians now, and it could take me up to two weeks! I literally looked at him! My response was.... I don't think so! Literally while saying this, I called Bob, my electrician. I have been working with Bob since 2021, when we moved into this house. I can't tell you the extensive work Bob had to do on this house... try rewiring the whole thing. My joke back in 2021, was I saw Bob more frequently than my friends and family. 

Any case, the doorbell fellow was just observing what I was doing. Bob didn't pick up when I called, so I then text messaged him. Within two seconds, he told me he has a transformer on his truck and could be to me within three hours! When I told the doorbell fellow this, he was stunned and don't you know it, I wasn't having him leave today, without scheduling another visit to my home THIS WEEK. Which means another 5am wake up. 

Bob came over at 1pm. Bob is an extraordinary electrician and a wonderful family man. He shared photos of his granddaughter and I got the update on the family! Then Bob and I went on a fishing expedition... looking for the old doorbell transformer in the house! Guess what? WE COULDN'T find it. I literally can't make this stuff up! Bob had to get out a gadget that he attached to the doorbell wires and then this device allowed him to find the transformer within the ceilings of the house. You heard me, the transformer was sealed by drywall in the ceiling! Which is actually illegal (as I have learned) because all transformers are required to have a means of access. Truly you had to see us, scanning the basement ceiling! This device beeped in various locations and truthfully with any other electrician, I am sure my ceiling would have looked like Swiss cheese... filled with holes while looking for the elusive transformer. But not with Bob. He worked at it for 90 minutes and then figured it out. The transformer was in one of the closets in the basement. This closet at one time must have been unfinished. It was then finished by the previous owner, and the transformer was sealed over in the process. 

When I look at my existence, I can't tell you how grateful I am to be able to turn to all the amazing men who help me run this house. In turn, I try to think of them too, in various ways, such as I always give them snacks and treats! In fact, I know which treats each of them likes, and I always have them on hand. So as of tonight, I have a doorbell transformer and an intact basement ceiling. That is today's blessing. 

As frazzled as today was, dinner was even more challenging. As my dad eats way too fast and then had trouble swallowing, got the hiccups, and was aspirating up food (which meant food got into his lungs). Alzheimer's is a disease that tests my patience, fortitude, and daily existence. In these dark moments, all I can say is...... GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH. 

Sunday, September 14, 2025

Sunday, September 14, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie went out often on the Potomac River and was learning how to fish. That weekend, I was invited along! As you can see Mattie caught a catfish and was very proud of his prize. We snapped this photo and then back in the water the catfish went. We always loved the catfish because they look like they have whiskers like Patches, our calico cat! Don't you just love Mattie's smile? To me it is haunting, and it remains forever etched in my mind. 

Quote of the day: Just as it is impossible to explain childbirth to a woman who has never given birth, it is impossible to explain child loss to a person who has never lost a child. ~ Lynda Cheldelin Fell

Everyday it is something, today was no different. Because I never maintained the household finances during my marriage, I have had a very steep learning curve over the last two years. This morning, I woke up to a message in my email about the escrow attached to my mortgage. I knew this was coming, as I made a note last year in my Sept/Oct spreadsheet that an adjustment to the escrow takes place in the Fall. I assure you when I got that first message in 2024, I was dazed and confused. Now I know an escrow covers the home owners insurance and taxes. Both of which seem to go UP and UP every year. Given what the adjustment was last year, I figured the amount would be in the same ballpark this year! Unfortunately it was not! It doubled. Truly at 8am, I went into a thorough panic. When this happens, I internally freak out. I say internally, because there is no one in my home who is capable of helping with these big decisions! Then just like everything else, I put that fear and anxiety somewhere, and mobilize into action by adding these amounts to my spreadsheet and taking a deep breath. There is one certainty and given to any of my days and that is.... crisis. Everyday there is something, and I am so so tired of it all. I am tired of managing everything in life alone. My lens was always as a twosome, and it is an enormous loss to me on a very deep level. 

After this morning's escrow surprise, I then went out to examine the pool! Sure enough it lost another 1/2 an inch of water. I am once again measuring the water loss each day with painter's tape (with the date labeled on it). In addition, the pool has a fountain feature. I grabbed my phone to shut that feature off through the app. I am trying to address one issue at a time, to determine where the problem is coming from to explain the leak. I know the leak company found no external leaks in the drains or pipes this week. 

On top of household issues, managing my dad's needs is getting more complex. Some days are easier than others, today wasn't such a day. Each morning, I have a big laundry load on my hands with bed linens, and once I get my dad in the shower, I have to wash him myself, because he no longer has the capability to understand what he is doing in the shower. If that is where it ended today, that would have been more than enough. But my dad had several bouts of his irritable bowel syndrome today, both at home and out at the restaurant. Truly my parents are lucky I have a strong constitution, because most people would be physically ill with these bouts. I am talking intense clean ups of my dad, the floor, and his clothes. Which is why I travel with gloves, garbage bags, and changes of clothes. Literally I felt like I went ten rounds before 5pm. 

One of my friends, who knows the totality of what I am going through said to me that it is clear I am a very strong woman, I have great discipline, because any one of the things I am dealing with would cause most people to be depressed or unable to function. She asked me where this inner strength comes from? I don't know! Is it taking ballet at an early age and going to classes three or more times a week? Maybe! Was it moving to Los Angeles when I was 14, and experiencing ridicule and isolation? Maybe! Was it working my way through a doctoral program and jumping through countless hoops and graduating with honors? Maybe! Or was it having a precious child diagnosed with cancer and then die? Again, maybe! Or maybe it is all of it! We are the product of our experiences and the one defining quality about me is no matter how badly I feel, if someone needs my help or support..... I always put them first. So I suppose it is my service to others that is my compass and naturally my love for Mattie will always be my guiding star. 

Saturday, September 13, 2025

Saturday, September 13, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. Mattie was five years old and we were visiting my parents in Los Angeles! That day we took Mattie to Travel Town in Griffith Park. Travel Town is an amazing train museum! It is a kids paradise, especially if they love locomotion.... like Mattie. The Museum is filled with vintage train cars and the fun part is you can climb aboard and walk through them. I can't tell you how many times we visited Travel Town. I have to admit, I could never get enough of it either.... I loved the history and the exploration through a by-gone era! There are so many things I would never have done if Mattie weren't in my life, he literally opened up a whole new world to me. 

Quote of the day: If you want to know what love is, have a child. If you want to know what grief is, bury him. ~ Giannina Brasch

This morning I went out to check the pool! I am hoping that after the light was fixed and the cracks were sealed that the water level would be stable! Forget it. After filling up the pool for four hours yesterday, the water level went down this morning. I am ready to pitch a fit right about now. So I am back to being Columbo and I will figure this out if it is the last thing I do! Meanwhile, I can't close this pool for the season, until I know where the issue is coming from and this may force me to have to resurface part of the pool to address this leak. Truly, I wake up each day and ask myself.... what else will go wrong today!? As many of you know, I have a running list of issues going on at the house and what makes all of this ten times worse is facing all of this alone. Some people do single well. I am not one of them! Which is why I got married at the age of 24. It was a life choice because I have always felt that sharing life with someone, and that means the good times and the bad, makes life worth living. It also makes the impossible times a little more possible. 

Later this morning, my dad's physical therapist came over to do a session with my dad. Keep in mind that I have known this therapist since 2022. So that is three years together, in which she has worked with my dad and my mom. Because she has been with me all these years, she knows about Mattie's death and about my divorce. Any case, she has just bought a home with her significant other and we talked about the challenges of having children. She was explaining to me how becoming a mom is something that frightens her. Honestly if you aren't frightened about having children then to me, something is wrong with you. Having a baby is a HUGE commitment. Both the physical feat of carrying to term, labor, and delivery, but then the real challenge is parenting. Parenting is one of the hardest and under appreciated jobs there is in life. I know with Mattie, as soon as I was pregnant, a switch flipped in my mind. He became my number one, not myself. His health and welfare were always on the top of my mind. As daunting as this responsibility is, it is also one of the greatest gifts in life. As I told her today, when and if this happens, she will figure it out, she will find a way forward, and some how when pregnant and then seeing your baby, she will develop SUPER HUMAN MOMMY powers! 

I may have been Mattie's mom, but it was Mattie's life that enabled me to learn volumes about myself. Mattie made me the passionate patient advocate that I am today. Through his cancer journey, I fought valiantly to save him and would have walked to the ends of the earth to find a cancer cure. Each time I help my parents or friends with medical concerns, guess who I think about? YES MATTIE. Mattie maybe physically gone from my life, but the lessons I learned from him have helped countless other people in my life. 

Friday, September 12, 2025

Friday, September 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was in his second month of treatment. As you can see he lost all his hair by that point. It only took his art therapists and child life specialist a few weeks to understand the likes and dislikes of Mattie. They quickly learned of Mattie's LOVE for cardboard boxes! Which was why as deliveries would come in, they would save boxes for Mattie! This photo shows the three boxes set aside for Mattie. He eagerly grabbed them and was taking them back to the clinic to start creating! I can't tell you all the marvelous cardboard creations Mattie designed that year in the hospital.... everything from a haunted house to a big airplane!

Quote of the day: Do not weep for those who have found Death's embrace early, for they weep for us that linger on in this mortal world of pain. ~ Stewart Stafford

One of my dad's physical therapists is going on maternity leave. So yesterday we were introduced to a young woman who will taking her place while she is on leave! It is interesting meeting someone for the first time. I say this because this is a person who knows NOTHING about my life. From her perspective, she comes into an organized, clean, and well run home, and she sees photos of Mattie everywhere. She even commented on how lovely Mattie's photos were to my dad. Therefore in the eyes of a stranger..... we all look happy, intact, and living a stable life. I of course kept quiet regarding the train wreck of my life, because these sessions are NOT about me, they are to help my dad. Nonetheless, the therapist asked me.... "what interior designer did you use to decorate your house?" I laughed! I laughed because I didn't use an interior designer, nor do I need one! I told her I decorated everything myself. I had a vision for these spaces and I executed on them. One of the things she commented on was the things I have on display on the walls. Any case, her lovely comment made me pause and acknowledge all the things I have done since I moved into this house. Truly how I am able to string two sentences together, care for my parents, manage the finances, run Mattie's foundation, and care for this house on my own without having a nervous breakdown, is a testament I suppose to me. 

Today the pool saga continued! Since I learned about the leaks on Tuesday, my pool company came to fix a majority of the issues. But they are recommending that part of the pool surface get resurfaced! NOT WHAT VICKI wanted to hear! So I await more information on this, and add it to my long list of things I need to address. All I can do is take a deep breath and try to manage one issue at a time. All my adult life, I lived in an apartment. I went from apartment living, to managing a home by myself. Truly it is daunting! What I have learned is slowly but surely, I need to find professionals who can help me, and who provide honest and fair assessments of the issues at hand. 

Meanwhile, I still have a hole in my dining room ceiling and a dismantled bathroom from the flood. Hopefully I will be able to address this with the contractor in October. Some days, the Godspell song Day by Day streams through my mind. When I was in middle school, our choir sang this song, and even back then, I found this song moving. It is funny how certain issues and moments of misery can trigger memories. Spinning through my mind today was.....Day by Day, Oh Dear Lord, three things I pray: To see thee more clearly, Love thee more dearly, Follow thee more nearly, Day by Day.

Thursday, September 11, 2025

Thursday, September 11, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By this point we knew that Mattie's cancer diagnosis was terminal. Mattie was attached to a portable pain pump and oxygen. Mattie wanted to play with his remote controlled boat. So we got his pool out and Captain Mattie was in control. Mattie always wanted to own a boat of his own when he got older. In fact, he would tell you that whatever money he was gifted, he was saving it in his piggy bank for a boat! Not a toy one, but a real one! I am saddened that wish never became a reality. 

Quote of the day: What separates us from the animals, what separates us from the chaos, is our ability to mourn people we’ve never met. ~ David Levithan

I found tonight's quote and when I read it, it immediately resonated with me. It seems very fitting to post such a quote on 9/11. As 3,000 people lost their lives that day and therefore 3,000 families will never be the same. EVER! Whether we were living in New York, Washington, DC or Pennsylvania, it truly doesn't matter. What matters is that our fellow Americans were tragically killed and that should evoke a response within all of us. A human response. As tonight's quote points out....... YES, I definitely think we are capable of mourning for the lives of people we never met. 

Yet there is a whole segment of our society who wasn't alive during this national tragedy in 2001. For them it has no significance, and to me, this is NOT okay! When my mom and I were talking about 9/11, my dad had ABSOLUTELY no understanding for what we were talking about. When I tried to explain to him what happened to the twin towers in New York, the Pentagon in Washington, DC or at that field in Shanksville, PA, he had no recollection. NONE! I am not sure why that upset me so much, as I know my dad can't remember one minute to the next and has lost a good portion of his long term memory as well. Yet events unite us. Common memories bond us, so where are we without these shared experiences? All I know, as a caregiver, is that I live with this pervasive loss daily, thanks to Alzheimer's disease. Each day, I see another piece of our shared existence get wiped away. Until like everything else in my life..... I am left with nothing! 

Like so many things, September 11, 2001, will always be etched in my mind. It was a beautiful sunny September morning, truly glorious. As if nothing could be wrong with the world, well until it was! I had the TV on and OH I SHOULD MENTION I WAS PREGNANT with Mattie. I was home alone and easing into the day, preparing for the university class I was going to be teaching that night. Then of course all hell broke loose as I was watching planes hitting buildings, buildings on fire, buildings crumbling, and people jumping out of buildings to desperately escape getting caught on fire. What I was observing was so horrific, so frightening, and incomprehensible. 

That day, I did not know what to worry about first. Our Country, my own safety living in Washington, DC, or the health of my baby. That week, I was supposed to have my first visit to the obstetrician. Obviously that never happened, and I will never forget that sickening feeling that things would never be alright again. I think it was the first time in my life where I saw first hand that bad things can happen to good people, that we really have no control over our own existence, and that tomorrow is NOT guaranteed.  

In a way, 9/11 is a national tragedy that bonds us together as a Country. We went through it together and therefore we can ALWAYS REMEMBER and grieve together. On a smaller scale though, what happens to parents when they loose a child to cancer? This is not a national tragedy, it isn't something we have all lived through, there is no TV coverage, and therefore it is not something we all learn to understand and absorb. THANKFULLY, as I wouldn't want everyone around me living with the death of a child. Nonetheless, not having this shared experience can leave grieving parents feeling very isolated! When I think about the enormous losses from 9/11, I can't help but look at that tragedy through my own lens of loss. So many lives NEVER TO BE FORGOTTEN!