Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2004. Mattie was two years old. My mother in law sent Patches, our calico cat, this cat toy. However, guess who enjoyed the toy more? That's right.... Mattie. When he pressed the hand pump and toy mouse would pop out of the hole. Well Mattie thought that was absolutely hysterical. The beauty of life with Mattie!
Quote of the day: I'll tell you something, Harpy," he said, his voice almost a whisper now. "It never even occurred to me that we wouldn't make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything. ~ Kristan Higgins
This morning I took my parents to my dad's doctor appointment. He was scheduled to see the internist, to follow up on his diabetes, irritable bowel syndrome and discuss his recovery from his kidney stone surgeries. For the last two months the doctor had me do an experiment. Our goal was to see if my dad's irritable bowel issues were further exacerbated by medication. So he had me stop his diabetes medication for two weeks to see if there was a difference. There wasn't! So I then restarted that medication and stopped one of his memory medications for two weeks. Also no difference! So after two weeks I restarted that memory medication and then stopped the second memory medication for two weeks. When I stopped the second memory medication (Donepezil), I noticed a difference. When on Donepezil, I was dealing with 5 or more bowel movements a day. They were explosive and the clean up of him after each one was extensive.
So today we discussed the ramifications of stopping Donepezil altogether. What I learned is that these memory medications are really not intended for long term usage, mainly because after about a year they lose their effectiveness. The goal is to slow down the progression. He drew for me a curve of how the memory decline would naturally occur, versus how it occurs when on memory meds. Definitely more gradual, but here's the thing. After a year or so, the decline is rapid and stopping Donepezil, the decline maybe even faster. The doctor painted a very difficult picture for me today. He confronted me and said there will come a time when I won't be able to manage my dad alone. He said he will need help toileting and dressing. I told him, I was ALREADY DOING THESE THINGS! I think this caught the doctor by surprise. My dad looks very together, and his assumption was my dad was part of this process. He quickly learned that my dad is functioning only because of me.
If it was just a memory issue, I probably could maintain my dad indefinitely. But the doctor educated me that since this is a neurological disease, there will come a time where my dad will not be able to remember how to use the walker, how to walk, how to swallow, and so forth. Truly as he was telling me, a complete wave of grief came over me. He could see that I was just about to cry and become very upset. But I caught myself, as I am very good at putting up walls so I can manage whatever task is at hand. I told the doctor, I will take it one day at a time. He said that was a good way of handling this and he told me he is here to help me.
Any case this visit today has remained in my head all day. Playing like a broken loop of a record. Truly when I think about all the things happening to me at once, it makes me pause. It is all so devastating and even more devastating that I am facing these things without my husband.
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