Tonight's picture was taken on November 13, 2007. Peter's birthday! Mattie and I baked a cake for Peter and he was so excited to be able to celebrate his dad's birthday. For 35 years, November 13, has meant so much to me. The date is forever etched in my mind and it is hard to understand how on earth I have lost both of the men in my life.
Quote of the day: You don't know when you're twenty-three. You don't know what it really means to crawl into someone else's life and stay there. You can't see all the ways you're going to get tangled, how you're going to bond skin to skin. How the idea of separating will feel in five years, in ten - in fifteen. When Georgie thought about divorce now, she imagined lying side by side with Neal on two operating tables while a team of doctors tried to unthread their vascular systems. She didn't know at twenty-three. ~ Rainbow Rowell
Tonight's quote is absolutely perfect. That is exactly how I feel. When you are with someone for 35 years, been through life's most horrific trauma (child loss), and experienced so many day to day and milestone moments, it is as if you almost become one. When I read tonight's quote about unthreading vascular systems, it resonated with me. Each day I wake up completely disillusioned. I would like to say that feeling has subsided, since I have been at it for a year now. But the answer is no. It is just more familiar and I have had to adjust, but does my mind and heart accept this? NO!
It is hard to imagine that Peter celebrated a birthday, and I wasn't present. That I have NO IDEA how he spends his time, where he lives, what he does, and better yet how he believes that his life is better without me. It just doesn't compute! I would have to say this whole issue occupies my every waking hour, and my brain is in over drive trying to understand how I went from being Peter's everything to nothing. Nothing about our separation and divorce has made sense to me. The moment Peter walked out of our house was the last time we really talked. Peter refuses my calls and we are unable to meet, talk, or converse about us.
Ironically I have developed a friendship with someone in England. Our lives are somewhat in parallel. The circumstances maybe slightly different, but how our separations were executed and communicated to us were practically mirror images. We met in a support group, which I disengaged with after the second session, but fortunately she and I remain connected, daily. We share our thoughts and feelings constantly and what the average person would get tired of hearing, we don't! We are living a parallel trauma and what we remind one another each day, is to take it one day at a time.
This was a week filled with addressing legal paperwork. In fact, I went back to my lawyer's office today. If I hear one more person congratulate me on my divorce, I may blow up in about 1,000 pieces. To me a divorce isn't to be celebrated, especially when it wasn't something I wanted in the first place. I am extremely fatigued of lawyers, lawyer bills, and the stress associated with what shoe will drop in my e-mail box today! I live under constant stress, constant duress, and as the legal work comes to an end, then what? It isn't like I have achieved anything I wanted after ridiculous legal bills! My relationship of 35 years, has been discarded and degraded into a Final Order of Divorce. Rather humbling to see your union dissolved into words, and like the old game show, Let's Make a Deal, I apparently picked the wrong curtain in life, and have been left with a clunker of a future.
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