Friday, December 13, 2024Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. Mattie was 8 months old and it was his first Christmas! It was a big deal in our home, and given my intuitive need to document all Mattie moments (big and small), we captured many photos that holiday season. This is also the Peter I know and will always remember. As Christmas approaches I miss both of the boys in my life.
Quote of the day: Perhaps sometimes reminding ourselves that we do have a choice makes it easier to pick the harder one. ~ Eva Melusine Thieme
Tonight's quote is also key! The keyword is CHOICE! The only one who had a choice in my divorce was Peter. I was given NO CHOICE! After 35 years together, one would hope that there would be more compassion, more concern for my well-being, and a desire to communicate and stay connected. The radio silence to me and in every aspect of Peter's former life makes you question.... just what is going on here!? Nothing about this seems like the person I have experienced for decades. He is in the same body, but that is where the similarity ends. Not having control and choices in my life, in my own existence and future is disconcerting. I know this well, with Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death. I couldn't predict or prevent what happened to my son. Nor can I understand or have any control over Peter's desire to walk out on me, leave me managing everything alone, and never wanting to see or talk to me ever again. You would think I was his worst enemy. Again, I am the master of observation, studying people, understanding their personalities and routines, and what I can tell you is something is VERY, VERY wrong. I have friends more concerned about my emotional and financial well-being than Peter. When Peter left, do you think he worried whether I could pay a bill or the mortgage? The answer is no! I went from an adult who never managed finances and budgets, to now knowing everything and I had to teach myself!
Though I like to cook, I am not particularly fond of baking. But I made two different types of ginger cookies today. One with an orange glaze and another cake like cookie without glaze.
The cookies with an orange glaze. If you like ginger and orange, these cookies are delicious! Soft gingerbread cookies Tonight I was removing coins from my wallet, as I find they weigh me down. Out of my change purse came this coin. This coin was given to me by my college friend, Lina. Lina was from Thailand. She said that this coin would lead me to finding my husband, which it did, as I met Peter at college in my sophomore year. I have carried this coin in my wallet since I was 18 years old! Can you believe it? This should give you some idea of how I get connected to things and how I believe in signs! If I ever change wallets, I never forget to take this coin with me.
Divorced or not, the coin comes with me. As does my wedding ring. It remains on my finger because to me "always and forever" means something. Also in my wallet, is a dollar bill Peter gave me in college to buy tea! He even wrote a message on the top of the bill. I NEVER used this dollar, and like this coin that has been with me for decades so has this dollar bill. No matter my wallet, no matter my purse, the coin and the dollar bill are with me. Some of you may not personally know me or we may never have met! But it is my hope that through my writings you can determine what kind of person I am.... as I take my commitments, responsibilities, and love for those in my life very seriously.
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