Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. I snapped this photo because it was Mattie's last day of kindergarten. I thought that deserved to be captured and memorialized at the time. Little did I know how vital all of my picture taking was going to be. We never got another first or last day of school again. At that moment in time, the sky was the limit. Mattie had a good first year of school, made special friendships, and loved his school. It is still hard to believe that a month later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Especially when he seemed like the picture of health! What this taught me quickly was NOTHING is guaranteed.
Quote of the day: There is an ocean of silence between us… and I am drowning in it. ~ Ranata Suzuki
After dropping my dad off this morning at his memory care center, I came home to get my mom and take her to the city for her hair appointment. However, what I quickly deduced was that my dad snatched his cell phone and brought it to his day program! BIG problem. It is a problem because he is always playing with it and unless I keep track of it, he will lose it. At the memory center, if my dad took out the phone, I have no doubt another participant would inadvertently pick it up. Because I had to take my mom to the city, I couldn't go back to the center to retrieve the phone. So I emailed the staff and put them on alert. They immediately got him phone for me and locked it in the office. I learned a lesson today, that I have to double check what's on my dad before he leaves the house. For two years now, I had a routine and never had this issue. But I am juggling a lot and having to herd both of my parents this morning, meant that my attention was split.
When we got to the salon, I sat while my mom had her hair done. I have no problem sitting and waiting. Unlike my mom. The salon staff know that I really can't get my own needs met because my mom doesn't like waiting for me. She has lost the art of self entertainment. In any case, I have know our stylist since I was in my twenties. She is aware of my current situation and challenges. When I watch what I manage with my parents, most people pause and ask me..... how do you do this day in and day out? I have no answers, other than I do, and I have done it for almost three years now without one day's break. Despite the difficulty of caregiving, it pales in comparison to what has happened with my marriage. That devastation has been all consuming and if I wasn't a strong person, I could see how this could destroy a person.
My stylist said to me today, that I need to look in the mirror and see the awesome, strong, and incredible woman that I am. A woman she said who could hate life and world around her, but instead, I am loving, supportive, and constantly giving to others. I told her she sounded like my therapist. I hear what both of these women are saying, but that isn't my MO! I get no satisfaction, joy, or happiness from such self reflection. I know, this may not make sense to my readers.
As I mentioned previously on the blog, I have been reading a book called Soul Broken. It is about people like myself who suffer from ambiguous grief. Grieving for a person who is still alive. Given the nature of the circus show that I manage each day, I can only read anything sporadically. However, while at the salon, I got in about thirty minutes of reading, between talking and helping my mom. One of today's passages was:
Just as sobriety can not be claimed from a place of denial, so, too, joy can not be claimed if you're still suffering in loss. So it is not enough to hope or wish to find joy again; instead, you'll need a commitment to your reality and to the action of creating it for yourself.
Finding joy! Now there is a word I just can't relate to. There are several words that have been removed from my lexicon since Mattie died. One is joy and the other that rubs me the wrong way is happiness. Therefore reading this passage today, though I get her sentiments and what she is trying to say, I do not think committing to find something I haven't had for decades makes sense now. I am not on a quest to find joy and happiness, and I think asking someone who is suffering, is in pain, is having trouble seeing a way forward, to commit to these amorphous and elusive concepts is not helpful. In fact, I think it sets one up for constant failure.
What did resonant with me however, is her dialogue about cycling between external and internal hope. External hope defines who I was, who I have been for 35 years. A woman connected to her college sweetheart. This connection is a large part of my identity. It's hard to disengage with this identity, and what the author was writing about is that sometimes stepping back into the past and allowing ourselves to recognize that this was real and true does provide comfort. I 100% agree! It provides a pause from the constant chaos of having to face my current reality. It is impossible to sit in this new reality at times, a reality I did not choose to have, so I take snippets of insights along my daily journey in order to try to find a way forward.
Three things I am grateful for:
- People who know me, and remind me how special they feel I am. When in a down and dark place emotionally, some times these kind words are a life line.
- My garden. I spend time outside daily. When I am out there, I pause from the chaos in my life. I try to snuff out the pain, the constant worries about my future, and managing the many roles and responsibilities I juggle in any given day.
- My dad's memory care program. I honestly do not know what I would do without having these three days. It is hard enough managing my mom 24/7, but managing both of them at the same time isn't easy.
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