Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002. Mattie was four months old and my parents were visiting. Mattie was a challenging baby, in the sense that he was always on, rarely napped, and sleeping through the night was close to impossible. Though I was recovering from a c-section and a new mom, I feel like I got up to speed understanding the beauty and needs of Mattie.
Quote of the day: Doctoring her seemed to her as absurd as putting together the pieces of a broken vase. Her heart was broken. Why would they try to cure her with pills and powders? ~ Leo Tolstoy
This morning, I just couldn't get out of bed. I stayed there until 8am. I could do this because my dad's physical therapist, who comes on Saturday, is away on vacation. I truly believe three years of daily caregiving for two people and the heartache associated with Peter's abandonment have wiped me out physically and emotionally.
After I got myself together, I went downstairs to prep breakfast, and then to vacuum, clean the counters, and clean our downstairs bathroom (which my dad uses daily). When I was just about to go back upstairs to get my dad up and start his morning routine, I got a text message from my neighbor. She wanted to bring something over to me as a post birthday present. Is this chocolate raspberry cake beautiful?
My mom was lamenting that I won't let her drive and so forth. I was in no mood to entertain this what so ever, and told her she can hardly balance and walk, there is not way she is going behind the wheel of a car. It isn't safe for her or other drivers, and I moved along with our chat. NO with me means NO, and you aren't going to change my mind EVER, when I finally get to that point.
In our morning chat together, my mom and neighbor started talking about how things happen and sometimes life isn't fair. Again, I am in no mood for trite conversations and reminded both of them, I know full well that life isn't fair. Mattie got cancer, Mattie died, I have to live a life without my child, I am the full time caregiver to both of my parents (who have significant needs), I manage a house that needs a team of ten people to run it, and my husband of 36 years up and abandoned me without so much as a care about my wellbeing. So YES I know darn well that LIFE ISN'T FAIR.
My plumber is coming over at 6pm today, to help me learn how to flush out the sump pump, which apparently I need to do every three months. Since he is coming right around dinner time, I took my parents out for a late lunch. Because I started the day later, I did not give my dad much to eat because if I do, he can't eat for many hours later. In any case, he went to the restaurant, with a fairly empty stomach. Once we got to the table, he was making faces! He had to go to the bathroom. Of course he did not make it in time. So it required a full change of him and thankfully I travel with garbage bags, gloves, wipes, depends, and clothes. There was no explanation for this accident. We finally got back to the table and less than 15 minutes later, he had to go right back to the bathroom. This time, it was even worse. Explosive, and landed over me, my feet, shoes, his legs, his hands, OVERWHELMING. The more I tell him not to move, the more he moves, which means everything needs to get cleaned. Truthfully, all I can say is life is way too much and most unkind.
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