Monday, August 10, 2026

Monday, August 10, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. Mattie was so excited to get "Speedy Red," a ride-on vehicle, which he named. For years Mattie wanted such a vehicle and my response was always.... NO! But it is amazing how your perspective and priorities change when cancer is part of the equation. Given that I knew Mattie's diagnosis was terminal at that point, I was going to do whatever it took to make his last days as manageable and happy as possible. What I really learned throughout Mattie's journey was that all Mattie needed was ME! My presence in his life and journey, 24/7, made a difference. It did not change the outcome, but it definitely impacted his quality of life over those 14 arduous months. 

I was very nervous about Mattie driving Speedy Red in our commons area. I wasn't sure if Mattie would crash into a wall or whether the car would topple over. So for his first couple of driving attempts, I squeezed into the passenger side! I gave Mattie instructions and coached him, but in all reality, Mattie was a natural. He intuitively understood how to use a gas pedal and brake. Mattie loved the whole experience and even though he had only a few weeks of driving, these memories will last a lifetime for me. 

Quote of the day: Someone who is aware of your sadness and lack of sleep does not deserve your love at all. ~ Unkown

Everyday, I receive photo memories in my email inbox. Some just hit me hard and some hit me even harder. This one today, actually made me chuckle. This was baby Mattie and Nurse Patches. Patches was an incredible cat. She was so bright and she instinctively knew that Mattie was precious cargo and therefore she couldn't touch, scratch, or bother him. That said, that did not mean that stopped her from being curious! These two became good pals. I can't tell you how much I loved that car seat! It was the only thing Mattie liked sitting in, other than being held. I literally used to strap Mattie into the car seat and place the whole thing in his crib at night. I resorted to that because Mattie hated lying flat! Sleep did not come naturally to Mattie, so we spent many, many sleepless nights together. That was until I read the Richard Ferber book at month six. It was a behavioral method to train your newborn how to sleep. Seriously prior to Mattie, I thought all babies naturally slept. NOPE, not my Mattie! 

This photo was in my inbox today too! It also brought me a chuckle! This was my walk-in closet in our apartment in Washington, DC. Whenever there was a thunder and lightning storm, Sunny headed for the hills. What you may not be able to see was Sunny was a large dog, yet he was able to squeeze himself on a shelf in the closet. Since I knew Sunny needed a safe space, I cleaned off that bottom shelf for him and lined it with cozy blankets. He took to it like a duck to water. But when Sunny was scared there was no reasoning with him..... he just needed to hide in a secure place until he was ready to come out! I miss my buddy! 

I accumulated three more hours toward my continuing education requirement for my license today! I take small wins whenever I can get them. So I completed one course and I started on a new course today about depression in adults. Sure enough, I learned that I am a walking case study, and in all intensive purposes it would make sense if I had major depression. As social isolation, from divorce, is a major contributor to depression in women my age. I am quite certain if I wasn't caregiving and forced to move about each day, my trajectory right now would look different. So that was swirling in my head all day and then I received a care package from my friend Phyllis at my front door. Little things make a huge difference!!! 

Surprise care packages are always so meaningful, especially as this care package is focused on comfort and caring for myself.... especially when I get headaches! I always wanted a cold cap to slip on my head and today's care package included one, along with some wonderful teas. For me tea is therapeutic. I start my day with a cup of tea (before anyone gets up) and I end my day with a cup of tea. It is my pause or moment when I try to think about myself. I am deeply grateful to have friends who never forget me and remind me that I am NOT ALONE.