Tonight's picture was taken on August 13, 2009. It is hard to believe that less than a month later, Mattie died. I will never forget that August! As you can see Mattie's hair was beginning to grow back, 6 weeks off of chemotherapy. It was supposed to be Mattie's time to regain strength, relearn to walk, and return to school. Instead, he faced end of life care and a very painful death. Legos were our therapy. It was the one activity we all could do together, focus upon, and feel good about the end product. I can't tell you what a gift a Lego kit was because there were times when it was hard to know how to manage the exhaustion, the anxiety, the stress, and the fear.
Quote of the day: It’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
If I tried to describe today, it would be ridiculous! But it started with an alert from my credit card company at 7am. For me, that is the worst day to start the day! I have given up on the notion of having a stable day! I have to, because every day is a crisis or issue! It took my hours this morning to work on this credit card issue and I couldn't do in without interruption. As I had to get myself ready, chores done, breakfast made, get my dad up and showered, and be ready for my dad's physical therapist by 10am.
While my dad was busy with the therapist, I made phone calls. In between, I was getting calls from my service provider at my car dealership. They finished the extensive work on my car and I had to process that invoice and arrange for the car to be brought back to the house. Then I was interfacing with two people who were helping me care for the exterior of the house. Seriously if one more person wanted something from me today, I was going to blow. Oh and in between all of that, I cleaned bathrooms and vacuumed upstairs!
By 2pm, I finally took my parents out to lunch. Sure enough, we sat down, and my phone rang! It was my mortgage closing agent, Sandy. But the call dropped while I was talking to her! I literally left my parents at the table, and went to my car to call her back. Trust me, whenever you try calling back.... you NEVER get the agent. Which is why when they call, you want to immediately pick up! However, my closing agent is a peach. I literally emailed her and told her to call me right back, and she did! She is so much nicer than my mortgage assumption application agent. Any case, Sandy needed my documentation for my home owner's insurance policy. Thankfully I am ten steps ahead of this process and was talking to my insurance agent two days ago, who sent me the current policy (which I need to change once I assume the mortgage.... don't get me started on that!!!), therefore I had it on my phone. Which made it super easy to send it to Sandy, as everything with this application process has deadlines!
Needless to say, I have been enduring this horrific mortgage stress since May 1. Which entails constant phone calls, demands, and hurdles to jump. I think today's call, set my mom and me off. We had a miserable lunch and of course it is miserable not just because of the mortgage, but because of the way my life has been decimated. In the cruelest way possible. I literally had a meltdown at the restaurant and when I broke down saying that I had a future of being alone, no one will be caring for me if I get sick or worse have dementia, there won't be a Vicki. To which my dad said.... you always have your parents. Sweet comment, but delusional!
When I write to my friend in England, who is dealing with similar issues, we always talk about two things.... one, being left behind after many years of a marriage can be confusing and at times we feel like we are going crazy. As we always saw the world one way, and now post divorce we see it wasn't any thing like we thought it was, and two, the depths of the pain, disillusionment, and feelings of being distraught can lead someone to die by suicide. My friend belongs to many groups dealing with our issues, and it is shocking, and yet not shocking, how many people can't handle the pain and end it.
As I say every day, it takes a great deal of courage and strength to face each day, and to find a way forward. I mention these feelings above because this is just the tip of the iceberg of what is floating around in my head on any given day.
How did my parents stay together for 66 years? Well there are many reasons. Naturally they love and respect each other, and they both are committed to their marriage. Which means that they always worked together to manage the many challenges they faced. My parents and my "former" in-laws have been married for decades and in my opinion....walking away from a long-term marriage shows a clear lack of courage, respect, and commitment... it is basically the easy and selfish thing to do!
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