Sunday, August 9, 2026

Sunday, August 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on August 8, 2009, three days after we learned that Mattie's cancer spread throughout his body. That day we surprised Mattie with a big ride-on vehicle. My parents made this gift possible! Precancer... Mattie wanted a ride-on vehicle, because he saw that one of our neighbor's had one. We always said....no! Mainly because it was costly, we really had no place to store it, and like every toy, it gets used during the excitement phase, but then rapidly children lose interest. However, Mattie's terminal diagnosis changed my view point about everything. If Mattie wanted a ride-on vehicle, then this was something I could make happen. Something I had control over and if it brought Mattie moments of happiness, then it was worth it. In this photo, we wheeled Mattie onto the deck to see his surprise!

This was the large box Mattie observed as soon as he came outside. He was very excited and couldn't wait to try it out. Of course this car needed to be assembled, which was a labor of love. But Mattie stayed on the deck during the entire assembly process. I will never forget our times riding on "Speedy Red." Literally I brought Mattie's portable oxygen and pain pump on our rides, but Mattie took to driving like a duck to water!

After Mattie died, I couldn't part with Speedy Red. It literally sat on our deck, under a tarp for over a year. It weathered terribly and then of course stopped working. I could have donated it as soon as Mattie died, but somehow the ride-on vehicle was an extension of Mattie. The last thing that brought him happiness, therefore, it was going no where. To this day, I still have the steering wheel of Speedy Red. 

Quote of the day: James changed our present and our future, but not our past. This is the gift of an abrupt departure, an exit with no lead-up or warning. He didn’t infect our lives with discord, with bickering, with visible discontent, before he left. He kept it lovely until he blew it up. ~ Belle Burden

This morning, Indie started with me at 4am. She wanted me up, out of bed and to be fed. Sunday is typically the only day in the week where I can sleep later, and by later I mean after 7am. To be jolted awake at 4am was not appreciated. There was no way I was going to move. She tried everything.... walking all over me, baking her claws into me, playing with my hair, jumping around and my favorite.... she puts her nose under mine to make sure I am breathing! I acknowledged her but had no intention of moving. She finally gave up! Well at least for another hour, until she started the same routine at 5am, 6am, and 7am! 

While making breakfast and doing chores around the house, I could hear a sensor going off. I literally had to figure out what was beeping, why it was beeping, and how to fix it! The problem was I couldn't determine what sensor was beeping and I was about to lose my mind. But I have learned to push through that feeling and figure it out. After all if I don't, who else will? When I became separated and then divorced, that was the end of having any kind of support from my other half. I had a steep learning curve and all I can say is I am lucky to be persistence, tenacious, and resourceful.

I do think each thing we do in life builds upon itself. My friend in England recently asked me about my doctorate. When I explained to her the extensive years of work, having to conduct original research as well as accumulate over 4,000 hours of clinical work, she couldn't get over it. She asked me at what age did I achieve all of this!? I told her I was 34 years old and keep in mind soon there after, I was elected by my peers to be a president of a large counseling association... making me the youngest president ever to be elected to that organization. When I finally defended my dissertation, which I assure you was no easy feat, on the spot my external reviewer offered me a grade 14 job in the government in front of my dissertation committee. The job was to run the work life office for that agency. My point to all of this is I had career plans and prospects, but I was also a new mom and was committed to raising Mattie full-time. Mattie always came first, but my hope was I would return to work once Mattie got older and was in school. Of course that time never came, because after kindergarten Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Any case, when I see myself through someone else's eyes, it makes me pause and see all that I have endured and survived. Today, I took my parents out to brunch. Like I do every Sunday. Our regular server was sick, so we worked with two young women who we have gotten to know. They are the ones who celebrated my birthday last week! Which surprised me. Today, they were fluttering around and wanted to make sure I was happy. I am so focused on my parents needs, that I was truly touched that these two women were concerned about mine (another thing I miss about not having a other half.... I have no one who worries about me). They told me today that I deserve to be happy because I am a special human being. A beautiful message that I will always cherish. 

When I came home today, I looked out the window to see the hummingbird feeder. I noticed that something was on it! From the window, I thought it was a nasty spotted lanternfly, so I was going to go out and smack it. However, as I got closer, I could see it was a small butterfly taking a drink! A sign from Mattie.... that he is watching over me and sees everything that has transpired.