A Remembrance Video of Mattie

Thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive!

Dear Mattie Blog Readers,

It means a great deal to me that you take the time to write and to share your thoughts, feelings, and reflections on Mattie's battle and death. Your messages are very meaningful and help support me through very challenging times. I am forever grateful. As my readers know, I promised to write the blog for a year after Mattie's death, which would mean that I could technically have stopped writing on September 9, 2010. However, like my journey with grief there is so much that still needs to be processed and fortunately I have a willing support network still committed to reading. Therefore, the blog continues on. If I should find the need to stop writing, I assure you I will give you advanced notice. In the mean time, thank you for reading, thank you for having the courage to share this journey with me, and most importantly thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive.


As Mattie would say, Ooga Booga (meaning, I LOVE YOU)! Vicki



October 5, 2021

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Tuesday, October 5, 2021 -- Mattie died 627 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was in-patient and his treatment was impacting his skin, especially around his eyes and nose. However, Mattie was given a gift of finger puppets. That was Mattie's first encounter with these kind of puppets and despite how awful he was feeling, he wanted to show his friend that he appreciated the gift. As you can see Mattie put a puppet on every finger and in the background you can probably see silk art and cards. We always decorated Mattie's room regardless of the season!


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 43,943,065
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 705,069

I had a hard time going to sleep last night, so I was up watching TV. At that hour, I was tuned into the Golden Girls. Something light, but look who joined me.... Indie. Indie is really Peter's cat, but when he isn't around she gets desperate for attention. 

Today was non-stop work, from the moment my foot hit the floor. I did everything from touch up painting, cleaning, organizing, going to the post office, getting Sunny's prescription filled, grocery shopping, vacuuming and even cooking. 

I am NOT in love with the oven in the house. We bought an oven thermometer because I knew the temperature was off. It can be up to 50 degrees off. But the more I cook with the oven, the better idea I have of how to actually cook something to completion. Tonight I baked chicken meatballs. Yes they are big, but in all reality I know of NO other kind of meatball. That is how my grandma made them. 

I also baked a blueberry lemon loaf. About a year and a half ago I went blueberry picking with Peter's family in Maine. I literally freeze the blueberries and then use them when needed. They are the best blueberries! In any case, I am cooking all sorts of things because I have to learn this oven. 

Meanwhile, yesterday Sunny's surgeon told me to let Sunny begin to start walking without the sling. That was a royal mistake. He collapsed twice and all day yesterday and this morning he refused to walk. I mean at all, so there was no going outside for potty runs. By this afternoon, I tried getting him up and out. It was painfully slow and I thought I would have to give up, but on our street Sunny could see two deer grazing in our neighbor's front yard. It was as if someone gave him a shot of adrenaline. Sunny snapped out of his depressed state and literally started moving toward the deer. He was walking on all fours! In a way those cute Bambi deer (yes they had spots on them) produced a Sunny miracle today. Managing Sunny's needs right now could be a full-time job, and add the house to the equation and I literally got nothing done today other than chores. Now to add insult to injury, the painters are coming back tomorrow to finally paint our laundry room. They come at 8:30am, and when I say there is no peace here, I am not kidding.

October 4, 2021

Monday, October 4, 2021


Monday, October 4, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. It is actually a short video of the football team's cheer at Mattie's school. That day we were visiting the field and the team huddled up near Mattie. The team yelled out Mattie and he loved it! I remember this moment in time distinctly. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 43,822,552
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 703,130


Since we moved in, Peter had taken two business trips. This week being one of them. He flew across the country for a week long meeting. That leaves me holding down the Farm, Sunny's rehab, and whatever else goes wrong here. For about a week, I felt that Peter's office had a funny smell. Since Indie's litter box was in there, I figured it was from the box. But I have been cleaning that box more than usual, and the smell still exists. It finally dawned on me today.... it's not the litter box. So I started nosing around and have determined the smell is coming from a toilet.... like a sewer gas smell. The goal was to keep the current toilets for now, but I can't handle this smell and my hope is the plumber can fix it. 

We have had so much electrical and plumbing work in the house that I have the personal cell phone numbers of both men. So I text messaged the plumber today and alerted him that we have a problem. He was scheduled to come next week anyway for a different issue, so hopefully this will be an easy fix. But I have learned nothing here is easy. 

With Peter gone, I see just how quiet and isolated it is outside the city. Certainly when I used to go away on vacation I sought out places like this, but living here day in and day out is another story. It is quite possible to never see a soul all day, unless I get into the car and engage with the world. I miss my view of the city, seeing people, cars, planes, and trucks going by. I miss seeing people doing their daily chores and my bird's eye view from Mattie's window, enabled me to tell what time of day it was from the amount of foot traffic passing by. 

Sunny had his two week follow up appointment with the surgeon today. She sees what I am saying..... this leg is recovering slower than the other leg (which was done last year). She said on physical exam, he appears to be doing well, and that I should start him on small leash walks. I got home and tried that! Big mistake. Sunny literally collapsed twice without me supporting him with a sling. So I tossed the leash and I am back at it with the sling. Sunny is not a light dog to be carrying, and his mind is telling him he wants to walk, but the body can't keep up. This makes for a very frustrating walk with him and given the weekend from hell that I had physically, trying to carry a 68 pound dog around is no picnic. 

On a completely different note, one of our researchers sent me the article below. I loved the title, and copied a portion of the abstract below that I felt was spot on. I am grateful that researchers are now enlightening the public that asking bereaved parents to move on and put grief in a box, doesn't work! Like so many others.... I am "parenting beyond the veil." Meaning the relationship I have with Mattie and my parenting role continues. In a different way, but it is very much alive. 

"Parenting Beyond the Veil": The Continued Parenting Relationship After a Child's Death Due to Cancer

"The parenting relationship continues throughout a parent's lifetime in spite of the child's physical absence, albeit in a different manner. This different nature of parenting is known as parenting beyond the veil. Bereaved parents continue to parent beyond the veil by engaging in meaningful activities, seeking activities that strengthen a deep connection with the child, and being open to comforting signs that enhance their continued relationship." 

October 3, 2021

Sunday, October 3, 2021

Sunday, October 3, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. We took Mattie to the Inner Harbor in Baltimore that weekend to walk around, be by the water, and tour a railroad museum. We tried to normalize the weekend, but it was anything but normal. As Mattie was headed that coming week for his first limb salvaging surgery. In many ways, the first surgery was the beginning of a very bad psychosocial spiral downhill. Something that Mattie's treatment team did not prepare us for, but in all honesty, I am not sure they could have predicted Mattie's reaction. 



Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 43,681,594
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 701,163


After I wrote yesterday's blog, the side effects from taking Fosamax increased. I developed muscle and bone pain in my neck, shoulders, ribs, spine, and fingers. I looked like I had a bad case of arthritis, and moving was painful, not to mention breathing was hard. If this was not bad enough, I was also dealing with intense abdominal pain. So it's been quite the weekend. But I am not shy! I wrote the doctor yesterday and today and have been reporting out all my symptoms, because if this is what I will experience on a weekly basis, I am not taking this medication. There would be no quality of life, because it literally seems to take three days to recover from this pill. It is 7pm on Sunday, and I am doing better, not 100%, but better. 

The highlight of my day was this! We made breakfast and sat outside on the porch for probably over an hour. Indie and Sunny were with us and the whole family was on the porch. I needed this time to ease into the day because of the pain, stomach issues, and extreme exhaustion that resulted from this medication. 
Later in the day, Peter helped me put up photos of Mattie and some of his art work in my office. My office is like a Mattie gallery!
I snapped this photo this evening so you could actually see some of the art work. The pictures on the left over the bookcase are pictures of Mattie creations. Mattie painted many ceiling tiles in the hospital's outpatient clinic and after Mattie died the hospital gave me the tiles. Instead of keeping the HUGE tiles, I took photos of them and memorialized them this way. Over the door frame, you will see three pictures. Each was a leaf rubbing Mattie did in preschool. The backdrop for each leaf rubbing was a painting Mattie created. So I combined the two to make this composition. 

October 2, 2021

Saturday, October 2, 2021

Saturday, October 2, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken on October 4, 2008. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. My parents were visiting and we took Mattie to the Inner Harbor in Baltimore. It was a diversion to see the water and have lunch. My mom snapped this photo of us. The reason we were all tense (even more than usual) was because a days later Mattie was going to have his first limb salvaging surgery. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 43,649,970
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 700,793


According to the National Osteoporosis Foundation, women should get screened at age 65. Or earlier if a bone has been broken or if there is a family history of osteoporosis. I suspect my doctor decided to have me do a dexa scan because of my family history, but she honestly did not expect to me to have issues at this point in my life. Bone density scans (DEXA scans) help to determine your risk of breaking a bone. They're often used to help diagnose bone-related health problems, such as osteoporosis, or to assess the risk of getting them.

Make a long story short, results of a DEXA scan are given as t-score values. A T-score shows how much your bone density is higher or lower than the bone density of a healthy 30-year old adult. A healthcare provider looks at the lowest T-score to diagnosis osteoporosis. Anything below -2.5, provides a diagnosis for osteoporosis. In my age I am -3.0. 

Yesterday I started Fosamax. It is the most commonly used medication for osteoporosis, and basically the medication insurance companies will cover. You have to try Fosamax first, before other options are presented to patients and covered by insurance. Naturally! It is all about reimbursement and not what's in the best interest of the patient. 


















The endocrinologist prepared me for COMMON side effects like:

  • stomach upset
  • nausea

However, by the late afternoon on Friday I was a mess. I couldn't function at all. My symptoms were:

  • 101 fever
  • chills
  • aches in all my joints
  • flu-like symptoms
  • exhaustion
  • stomach pain
  • bloating
  • nausea 

Thanks to Tylenol and Advil, I made it through the night. But I wrote the doctor today! According to her, she doesn't know any patient who has had this reaction to Fosamax. To the IV version yes, but not the pill. Mind you when I looked up side effects to Fosamax it says..... 

Body as a Whole: hypersensitivity reactions including urticaria and angioedema. Transient symptoms of myalgia, malaise, asthenia and fever have been reported with FOSAMAX, typically in association with initiation of treatment. Symptomatic hypocalcemia has occurred, generally in association with predisposing conditions. Peripheral edema.

Needless to say I believe the on-line warning, because I am living it, versus what the doctor wrote to me today. You honestly have to be your own doctor and constantly advocate. I was out of commission for most of the day today. Thankfully I have lost the fever, but still dealing with stomach issues. I can't believe I have to take this pill weekly. I promised to try it a second time, but if I have the same reaction I told the doctor I am NOT taking it anymore, as this isn't a good quality of life. 

October 1, 2021

Friday, October 1, 2021

Friday, October 1, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. I know it was a Friday because of the activity we were doing. The University's chemistry club always came to the pediatric units every Friday and with them came a hands on experiment. Chris was the Club's president and Mattie got along splendidly with him. Mattie looked forward to chemistry club experiments and when he wasn't able to go to the hallway, Chris would come into Mattie's room to repeat the experiment. That day, the Club made ice cream using dry ice. Participating with Mattie was his best buddy in cancer, Brandon. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 43,548,632
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 699,647


I started taking a medication prescribed by an endocrinologist for low bone density. Apparently my bone loss is significant for someone my age. I have to take this medication weekly for five years. Given that most of the women on my mom's side have osteoporosis, the doctor feels that my issues are solely genetic related. Wonderful. Needless to say, this drug gave me a one two punch today. With bone pain, muscle aches, nausea, and overall feeling crummy. I can't believe I have this to look forward to weekly on top of everything else. 

Despite feeling crummy, the world doesn't stop on the Farm. Sunny needed to be walked with his sling, laundry and grocery shopping had to get done, and I am still dealing with touch up painting. Oh and not to forget conference calls. 

Given how I am feeling, I wanted to leave you with a very interesting article below. The article focuses on adult cancer, none the less, there are overlaps with childhood cancer. Specifically that providing psychosocial care to patients is a must and at the end of the day patients are NOT getting the support they need. So much for 21st century medicine. Psychosocial support has been shown to directly impact health outcomes and quality of life. Several of the key points I underlined. But it makes me think that the psychosocial referral and resource initiative I pitched on Shark Tank is spot on!


No-Cost Counseling Can Address Psychosocial Needs of Patients With CancerSeptember 25, 2021; Denise Myshko

OncologyLive, Vol. 22/No. 17, Volume 22, Issue 17

Depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders are not uncommon among patients diagnosed with cancer. Counseling, psychotherapy, and mental health services provide the opportunity for patients to develop coping skills and inspire hope; however, patients often experience hurdles to accessing such care. Among these obstacles are cost, unawareness that programs exist, the COVID-19 pandemic, and other external factors.

Many cancer institutions offer free services that include support groups, programs and seminars on stress management, and yoga for patients with cancer. Few practices offer comprehensive, individual counseling and psychotherapy at no cost. If counseling services are offered, they are typically billed to insurance companies, leaving patients to cover the costs of deductibles and copays.

Incurring additional costs may not be an option for patients already struggling with the costs of cancer treatments. According to results of a study published in 2018 in the Journal of Oncology Practice, 26% of adults with cancer reported financial toxicity, which was associated with an increased risk for medical noncompliance.1 Specifically, patients were less likely to fill their medications, attend office visits, and undergo recommended medical tests.

Further, an analysis presented at the 2020 American Society of Clinical Oncology Virtual Scientific Program showed that patients with recurrent ovarian cancer at high risk of struggling financially because of ongoing treatment costs or potential loss of income scored higher on measures for depression and anxiety and lower on quality of life.2

High costs and insurance coverage are significant barriers to seeking counseling, but providing accessible mental health services to patients is important for their healing, said Barry Russo, MBA, CEO of The center for Cancer & Blood Disorders in Fort Worth, Texas.

“We knew from our original approach of referring people out to psychologists and psychiatrists that many didn’t go,” Russo said in an interview with OncologyLive®. “Removing financial hurdles opens the door for people to seek psychological support who otherwise wouldn’t.” This understanding led the center to launch a different type of counseling and psychotherapy program in 2016. Funded in part by the Careity Foundation in Fort Worth, the program is operated on-site at the center and is of no cost for patients. “We knew that if we were going to start a program, we did not want any financial hurdles,” Russo said. “We wanted them to access this without a concern about the costs involved.”

A Snapshot of Mental Health

Estimates of the prevalence of depression and anxiety among patients with cancer varies, but several studies generally show approximately one-third of patients with cancer have some type of mental health issue. Investigators reported in 2014, for example, that approximately 32% of patients with cancer were diagnosed with at least 1 mental disorder; anxiety disorders (11.5%) and mood disorders (6.5%) were the most common.3

In a subsequent study from 2018, investigators found that depression and anxiety affects up to 20% and 10% of patients with cancer, respectively, compared with 5% and 7% for the general population.4 The prevalence is highest at diagnosis and at the beginning of treatment. Investigators found that poor recognition of depression and anxiety is associated with reduced quality of life and survival.

The COVID-19 pandemic has added to the mental health struggles patients with cancer experience. For example, 53% of surveyed patients with cancer (n = 606) reported experiencing loneliness in recent months and higher symptom severity scores for all the symptoms evaluated, according to a new survey published online in May in Cancer (Figure).5

From the early analysis, investigators found patients in the lonely group reported higher levels of social isolation, as well as more severe symptoms of anxiety, depression, fatigue, sleep disturbance, cognitive dysfunction, and pain.

“There is a really robust literature about the impact of loneliness and social isolation on morbidity and mortality in cardiovascular disease, but it hasn’t been studied in cancer,” lead author Christine Miaskowski, PhD, RN, FAAN, said. Miaskowski is the Sharon A. Lamb Endowed Chair in Physiological Christine Miaskowski, PhD, RN, FAAN Nursing and a professor in the Department of Physiological Nursing at the University of California, San Francisco.

“It is clear that if you take out all the other risk factors for mortality in cardiovascular disease, loneliness and social isolation make independent, significant contributions to morbidity and mortality,” she said. “If the association holds with what we see with cardiac disease, the stress from loneliness can impact patients with cancer and their disease progression.”

Miaskowski noted that respondents were mostly women, White, and wealthy. The survey is continuing, and approximately 1100 patients have completed the questionnaire so far. “I want to know about what is happening with the people who are less well served,” she said.

Caring for the Whole Patient

The association between cancer survival and mental health is just beginning to be understood, and early studies have demonstrated that investment in mental health and social needs has a strong correlation with improved health outcomes. “There is a growing consensus that mental health plays a significant role in oncology care,” Chris Murray, PhD, a psychotherapist who helped launch the center’s program, said.

A study of veterans with non-small cell lung cancer who had preexisting mental health disorders found that mental health treatment programs, housing programs, and employment support programs were associated with improved lung cancer–related outcomes.6 Participation in a mental health program was associated with a significant decrease in all-cause mortality and lung cancer–specific mortality across every mental health diagnosis evaluated. Investigators suggested that seeing mental providers enabled patients to engage more with their non–mental health medical treatment.

The need for counseling and psychotherapy is much greater than anyone would expect, said Beverly Branch, cofounder of Careity Foundation. “People can’t heal physically if they aren’t healed psychologically,” she said.

Providing mental health services to patients with cancer is critical, especially now because of COVID-19, said Lyn Walsh, cofounder of Careity Foundation. “There are patients who are just so overwhelmed,” she said. “Psychotherapy was something that we used to offer patients. Now we get calls requesting someone to talk to.”

For patients with cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, and financial burdens can cause depression and hopelessness, said Vernesa Perry, PhD, who conducted the research for her dissertation at the center. “People who have had full lives may now find getting out of bed is an accomplishment,” she said. “They struggle to accept their new normal. It is so complex, and there really is a need for therapy services in the oncology setting because research shows it really has a big impact.”

Perry’s dissertation looked at whether a solution-focused narrative model of therapy could provide a more hopeful outlook for patients with cancer. This model counseling looks toward solutions instead of discussing problems at length. In her analysis, Perry noted that patients in the traditional therapy group did not return after one session, with one patient saying that there was too much negativity in the group in a follow-up call. Those in the solution-focused group, however, highlighted the importance of such a group.

“A solution-focused narrative therapy is a short-term model that has been shown to work in 1 to 3 sessions,” Perry said. “This becomes more helpful in the cancer setting because we don’t know if that patient is going to come back.

“Traditional therapy models are designed to be long term. They can be effective, but my experience at the cancer hospital showed that for patients with cancer, you may not have that luxury of time. At the center we were also flexible with scheduling. If I have a patient that is supposed to come after chemotherapy or radiation, there is a high chance they won’t be able to make it because they don’t feel well.”

Aid at the Community Level

Services such as group therapy or private counseling can provide patients with needed support, but patients may not know where to get help or they may not have insurance coverage. There are no national data around how many community oncology practices offer counseling or mental health services, according to the Community Oncology Alliance.7 Anecdotally, services vary by geographic area, and many are billable services.

Murray said that in the Dallas–Fort Worth metroplex, few institutions or direct providers of mental health services specifically for patients with cancer offer services at no cost to the patient. “The big hospital providers also provide mental health services but those are not grant funded or no cost to patients,” he said. “Typically, they are insurance-covered services that are subject to copays and deductibles.”

Branch said it’s important to make the counseling accessible to all patients regardless of insurance status. “If it isn’t, people won’t take advantage of it because of all the other expenses they have and because of complication of their treatments,” she said. “We’ve had patients say the counseling was the greatest gift they had received from us.”

SPOTLIGHT ON THE CENTER’S PSYCHOTHERAPY PROGRAM MODEL

The center’s program is staffed by Murray and graduate-level behavioral health providers. Murray was brought on in 2016 to develop the psychotherapy program and provide oversight of providers.

The team of behavioral health providers includes graduate-program clinical training students, licensed providers, doctoral research candidates, and volunteers. “The program helps to provide training to future psychologists on how to help patients [with cancer],” Russo said. “We wanted to provide services for the patients, but we also wanted to provide a training ground for psychologists to have experience with the challenges that patients with cancer face. We want to be able to have an educated force of psychologists that can help patients all over Dallas–Fort Worth.”

Behavioral health services are provided to patients at all of the center’s 9 locations. In the 5 years the program has been operational, the center has provided services to approximately 800 patients, offering more than 5000 hours of session time.

“We believe this approach is targeted for those in need of behavior health intervention,” Murray said. It’s in-house, and it’s there when and where patients need it.”

The services provided have been developed specifically for patients with cancer because most programs and outside counseling services, although beneficial, may not be specific to this population’s specific needs.

“A typical provider would be able to provide services that cover a lot of the things we see, such as depression, anxiety, high stress levels, and some PTSD [posttraumatic stress disorder],” Murray said. “There is this whole other dimension of patients’ mental health needs that is specific to what has happened after they got that cancer diagnosis that we tend to be more equipped to help them process and address those [needs].”

The center has continued to offer services virtually during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“Like other clinical and mental health providers, we were forced to rethink how to effectively deliver services that were needed, sometimes desperately,” Murray said. “We moved to virtual sessions quickly and found patient satisfaction and outcomes on the whole seemed to be at least that of in-person, although about half have since chosen to resume in-person [services] as restrictions have eased. Research now coming out seems to validate this was the case in other settings as well with mental health providers. As a result, I anticipate virtual psychotherapy on a significant level is here to stay.”

September 30, 2021

Thursday, September 30, 2021

Thursday, September 30, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was home between treatments and was outside in our commons area with our neighbor JP and resident Jack Russell, JJ. Mattie and JJ practically grew up together. Mattie loved playing with JJ, until he got his limb salvaging surgeries. After that point, Mattie was always frightened of falling and hurting himself. Therefore, it changed his relationship with JJ the dog. Yet JJ continued to love Mattie, and after Mattie died, JJ was depressed for months. It is hard to believe that both Mattie and JP are no longer with us. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 43,445,267
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 696,717


Sunny is finally putting weight on his back leg, which was operated on 9 days ago. Yet walking with him continues to be challenging. Mainly because I have to walk with him in a sling, and he is heavy, not steady on his feet, and despite the fact that he can't go far, his brain is telling him to walk and walk and walk. In fact, he gets head strong with me when I try to turn him around to head back home. By this point, he should only be walking about ten minutes total at a time. But today, he and I walked (and I use that term loosely) for an hour. By the time I got him home, I felt like I went through a major work out. 

I got it in my head today that I was going to do all the paint touch up jobs in the house rather than pay the painting company MORE money. So I got the painter's tape out and lined the staircase. The problem is when the wood on the stairs was sanded and restained, the stain got on the paint around the staircase. Painters charge you by the hour and frankly just getting the tape down took a lot of time. In addition, with moving and having all sorts of contractors in some of the baseboards and walls got dinged. I went at it today and worked on it all day, between conference calls. Hopefully tomorrow in the daylight I will see how the touch ups worked out and will then be able to continue painting in the garage. Peter and I decided to also paint the garage ourselves. Therefore, it was another busy day on the Farm. Though I know no other type of day here. 

September 29, 2021

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. We were home between treatments and Mattie was outside in our commons area of our townhouse with his "girlfriend" Charlotte. As you can see, Mattie grabbed a hold of Charlotte's hair to try to capture her energy and catch up with her. Charlotte and Mattie had a special friendship and no matter how ill Mattie got, Charlotte kept visiting both at home and in the hospital. Now looking back, I believe that Charlotte had an incredible amount of courage and love for Mattie, because it couldn't have been easy at age 6 for her to see a friend so ill, much less having to visit Mattie in a pediatric ICU. I learned a lot from their connection and the power of friendship. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 43,325,319
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 694,775


I must admit that with looking for a house during COVID, packing and donating items, and then moving, that I haven't had much energy to focus on anything else. It has been all house 24/7. So much so that I can't catch up on emails and I have lost track of some friends. Not because I am not interested in their lives, it is just because I feel like I am on overload. 

Yet two night's ago, I got a phone call on my cell. I could see it was from my childhood cancer friend. She and I met in 2010, while advocating on Capitol Hill together. Like me, she lost a child to cancer. Though she doesn't live right near me, we have gotten together in the past either in Charlottesville, VA or Washington, DC. She and I see eye to eye on a lot of things, particularly regarding grief and trying to survive the loss of a child. But the nice part about this is Peter got along with my friend's husband. They too shared a similar mind set and were able to openly communicate about their losses. That may sound like no big deal, but in all reality it is! Being a bereaved parent doesn't always mean that you will relate 100% to other bereaved parents. Because we share that commonality doesn't mean our thoughts, feelings, and mindset are similar. Which makes finding support as a bereaved parent ten times harder, and why when you find someone who resonates with you, you bond quickly. Well that is how our friend and her husband were with me and Peter. 

Any case, on Monday evening, I was exhausted from another full day on the Farm. So when I saw the phone ring, I let it go to voice mail. But I did text my friend saying that I would call her the next day and catch up. I also said that I hoped she and her husband were doing well and managing through COVID. Minutes after sending the text, she called me again. So I knew I had to pick up, as she was trying to tell me something important. To my absolute surprise, she told me that her husband died. He had NO known medical condition, was the picture of health, and was very physically active, as he ran his own farm and was outside and working in all sorts of weather. Our friend died instantly from an aortic aneurysm. I heard what she was saying to me, but I just couldn't process it, and felt overwhelmed for my friend. First losing a daughter, and now her husband. This was not in the plan, it was not how the future was supposed to go. 

My friend is coping with this remarkably well, and frankly I am in awe because her husband's death was sudden and with no warning. I think there are many misconceptions in our society, if you lead a "good" life, take care of yourself, and treat others well, etc, then this is the recipe for a long and healthy life. Maybe this misconception is what we tell ourselves, as it helps to give us some sort of power and control over our own lives. Unfortunately this misconception is FALSE, as I know all too well, as people who are good, innocent, and kind (such as Mattie), get very ill and even die. Life is fragile and fleeting and none of us like living with the notion that we are not in control of our destiny. But it is true, we can only control certain aspects of our lives, and the rest is out of our hands. 

I have no moral to this story, other than when you don't hear from a friend or family member for a while, do check in. Our lives get busy and we get distracted and focused on other things, but sometimes not hearing from someone means they are more than just distracted by life, they are dealing with a full fledged crisis.  

September 28, 2021

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Tuesday, September 28, 2021 -- Mattie died 626 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. We were home between cancer treatments and Mattie received this Oilers shirt and hat from a client of Peter's in Canada. I remember Mattie putting on the gear and I shared this photo with Peter's colleagues. I will always recall that moment in time. Besides dealing with hell on earth, it was also the time when I saw our community come together. Unite around Mattie, his treatment, and our family. In incredible ways! Though medicine couldn't accomplish miracles, our Team Mattie did each and every day with gifts of kindness, meals around the clock, and all sorts of goodies. 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 43,211,372
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 43,211,372


While going through photo albums this weekend, I came across several photos with my maternal grandmother. Today, if she were alive, she would be 114 years old. She may have died when she was 87 years old, but to me and my mom, my grandmother will always be a special and loving force that remains in our lives. This photo was taken on my 16th birthday. I can remember this day and the special evening we had going to see a Broadway musical and having dinner at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion (which is a well known theatre in Los Angeles).

This photo was taken at the Westchester Marriott in Tarrytown, NY. I even recall the name of the restaurant at the hotel was named Allie's. The reason we were there was I was going to college, and Westchester was a stop over for us before heading up to Albany, NY. That Marriott holds special memories for us, because of my college years, because my grandmother's surprise 80th birthday party was held there, and because this is where all our guests stayed for our wedding. 

I practically grew up at the hotel and ironically in the summer of 2019, when I went on a cruise to Canada with my parents, the cruise ended in Brooklyn. After the cruise, we stayed in Westchester for a few days at the Marriott (we celebrated my parent's anniversary). However, while in the lobby, when the elevator door opened, out walked Joseph. Joseph is a long standing employee at the hotel who helped us back in my college days. He remembered us, my grandma, and our multiple stays at the hotel. As we were a multi-generational family when we traveled, and people seemed to notice us. In addition, my grandma had a very sweet, gentle, and charming disposition, so she made friends easily. Joseph being one of them! 

September 27, 2021

Monday, September 27, 2021

Monday, September 27, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. We took Mattie to New York City to be evaluated by an oncologist and surgeon there and to see whether he could qualify for an experimental study. Within the clinic stood this artistically huge apple, to remind us we were in "the big apple." Despite my love for NY, I have NO LOVE for this institution. I will never forget the total disregard they have for children and their families. Instead, I feel like they viewed us as an insignificant number and doled out diagnoses and prognoses without understanding that their words are crushing. I can still recall one doctor told us that no one survives multi-focal osteosarcoma (what Mattie had) and the other said, forget about treatment and move to end of life care (without even trying a standard of care or experimental treatment). Though the outcome was the same, Mattie did die, at least I know that we did everything humanly possible to treat Mattie's cancer. That is the psychosocial aspect of care that went missing at this institution, the ramification of medical decisions on those of us left behind (bereaved parents). 


Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 43,064,100
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 689,898


Today was another fun day on the Farm. Peter and I feel like there is just no peace here. I got up at 6am again and at 7:30am, the person installing a new door arrived. He arrived 90 minutes early. Thank goodness I was up and dressed. But I know how this works, which is why I get up at the crack of dawn! The door installation took about 4 hours. We had no idea we even needed a new door, until we had a flood in the basement from Hurricane Ida. In fact, the door was in such bad shape that I could put my hand through the side of it. Just ridiculous and it was also a security concern. Finally we have a full fledged outside door and we have taken every precaution necessary to make it water proof. We shall see. In the midst of the door installation, we had someone over to fix broken sprinkler heads, as well as someone to treat for mosquitoes. Mosquitoes out here are fierce and I like this company because they use a chrysanthemum derivative that is not toxic for animals like Sunny. 

Meanwhile speaking of Sunny, I see NO improvement in his condition. He still refuses to put his leg down and use it. Yet he wants to go for a walk in a sling. I assure you both of our backs are killing us from walking with Sunny hunched over in a sling. He is dead weight and likes to walk under bushes and in tight places, making it impossible to keep up. I am frustrated and exhausted and honestly his leg and recovery are the last thing I needed right now. I can see this is going to be a more challenging rehab than his first surgery and next week he gets examined by the surgeon. I am hoping he makes more progress this week, because I am not sure how much more I can carry him around. 

In the midst of the chaos, I had a conference call today, as I serve on an advisory board for a pediatric traumatic network. The leader of the call snapped a photo of us! On top of my calls, Peter had an important work call today, and he has been stressed out about it, for good reason. While I am writing this, I am still awaiting his verdict, as he is on the phone. But if I were on the game show Password, do you remember that one? The password is STRESS. The word associated answer is THE FARM.

September 26, 2021

Sunday, September 26, 2021

Sunday, September 26, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was in the outpatient clinic, and working at his favorite place... the art table. Mattie did not like the outpatient clinic as much as the inpatient setting. I am not sure why, perhaps it was because he spent most of his time inpatient and that environment and the people there were more familiar to him. However, when he was in the outpatient clinic, he always went straight for the art area. Mattie was all about creating, building, and having people join in his plan. 




Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins

  • Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 42,931,259
  • Number of people who died from the virus: 688,032



Peter and I spent a good portion of the day trying to unpack things we had stacked in the basement. We were at it for about six hours. While I was unpacking, Peter was working on building out the storage closet, so that I have a place to organize and store things. 


Today's progress! In our townhouse in DC, I had an amazing walk in closet. You wouldn't believe all that I stored in there! It was impressive, but I was only able to do that because Peter installed shelving for me. We actually dismantled our shelving in DC and brought it to the house. 

Some of the items I had to organize were photos! That is NEVER easy. I went through some of the books I created over the years. This is of course before digital photography. In any case, I took this photo years ago of Peter trying to work and Patches, our calico, providing supervision. 
Peter obviously took this photo of me. This was life as a graduate student. Books and papers everywhere. I don't miss those days at all. 
In our basement, there is a storage closet. But in all reality, there was NO storage. That is until Peter spent some time with this closet today. 
Peter's handy work! This will give me lots of places to organize and store Mattie's things, Foundation things, and whatever else comes our way!