Friday, October 27, 2023

Friday, October 27, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. Mattie was four and a half years old. Though we made this costume together the year before, he was unable to wear it because he was hospitalized with sepsis. So 2006, was the official year of the calico cat costume. Mattie had a wonderful time trick or treating with his preschool friends and I am so glad we captured these moments together!

Quote of the day: If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. ~ James O’Barr

I feel like I live in thorough chaos each and every day. It is hard enough when it is inside your home, but in addition, I find all the national and global issues weigh on my mind and heart. The recent mass shooting in Maine captures my attention as well. My two nephews went to Bates College, which is close to the heart of where the shootings have occurred. In addition, Mattie's "girlfriend," is in her senior year at a college close by to Bates. So to me this seems to hit close to home. As Peter and I were there not long ago for graduations. 

What gets me is that mass shootings like this are more common in the United States than other developed nations. I came across this article entitled, Over 70% of mass shootings in developed countries happen in the US, international analysis shows. Given my own personal lens, I look at the social and emotional issues that may explain these shootings. These three facts were mentioned in the article:

• The motivation of the attack is also distinct from other countries, with perpetrators facing employment and financial issues, as well as relationship problems.
• American mass shooters were more likely to attack factories, warehouses, and offices than perpetrators in all other combined countries. While individuals from all countries suffer from strain, this particular strain is largely a US mass shooting motive.
• Relationship problems present another distinct form of strain contributing to US mass shootings. This is not to say that relationship problems do not exist in other countries or that they do not result in violence. In fact, many other countries have much higher rates of intimate partner violence and homicide. However, it is uniquely American that relationship problems end in mass shootings: where individuals outside of those contributing to relationship problems were also, or instead, targeted at random.

Given this, it sounds like strain maybe a large contributor to these mass shootings. But why do we have more emotional strain in this country, versus other developed nations? This question intrigues me. But at the end of the day, being overwhelmed, disconnected, having dysfunctional relationships, and perhaps being rejected are big emotional contributors to such violence. I am not claiming that there are simple solutions, but the fact of the matter is that addressing mental health issues, providing interventions, and community support are vital for healthier communities.

Of the 18 people who have died in Maine, my heart goes out to their families. Life as they have known it has ended, and finding a way forward will not be easy and could take a lifetime. 

Thursday, October 26, 2023

Thursday, October 26, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That year, we bought a black sweat suit and felt material from AC Moore. We then cut out patches and hot glued them to the suit sweat! Mattie wanted to be a calico cat for Halloween. Unfortunately Mattie developed an ear infection that turned to sepsis and landed up in the ER. So Mattie never went trick or treating, as he was admitted to the hospital for three days. Needless to say, we kept the costume and in 2006, he officially wore it and it actually fit him perfectly that following year. To me, Mattie was an adorable cat!

Quote of the day: All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~ Havelock Ellis

I photographed this because I just had to laugh. Last evening, these boxes were delivered to a door on the side of our home. You can't tell from the photo, but there is a large table in front of the door, which should be a dead give away that we do not open this door. In any case, fortunately while my mom was doing her walking routine, she alerted me to these boxes. I had to carry them all the way around the house and inside. Here's the funny part. Amazon came back today, while I was grocery shopping and my mom introduced herself to the delivery fellow and explained that he can't leave packages on that side step! Apparently he is new on the route, and thanked her for the information. 

Every Thursday, for as far as I can remember, my parents and I have gone out to lunch. To the same particular restaurant, with the same server. Today, my mom was out of sorts, and I was right along side her. So we decided not to go out for lunch and instead I am cooking at home. The wonderful blessing of the day was that it was in the 70s! It felt like spring. So despite my funk, mixed with panic attacks, I got outside and walked.

Today I did not walk with Sunny, because I truly needed to walk and cover distance. I have found it is the only way for me to manage anxiety. I walked about five miles today and I took in the trees and plants all around me. When I got back home, I got my parents off the couch and in our backyard. As I felt we all needed a reset. 

Trees in our backyard! The poplars are beginning to turn colors and leaves are everywhere. 

Fall colors. 

Peter's flowers are still blooming!

Though my mom graduated from physical therapy this week, her therapist wants her practicing walking on uneven surfaces. So she did some laps on the grass and then together we bent over along our grass walk and picked up fallen sticks and branches. PT in our own backyard. 

I even got my dad up and moving! Which I assure you is NOT easy. But I wanted him to get out of the family room, move his body, and see and appreciate the beauty around him. 

Wednesday, October 25, 2023

Wednesday, October 25, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and half years old. That year, we went back to Target, and again we picked out a costume together. I knew full well that there would be no way Mattie would want a real costume, that potentially could be made of an uncomfortable or itchy material. For the first few years, we stuck with sweat suit material, and it worked just fine. Mattie and I loved reading Winnie the Pooh books together, so  when we saw this in the store, we both gravitated to it. He was the cutest pooh ever. 

Quote of the day: Grief can destroy you — or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. ~ Dean Koontz

My mom had her last physical therapy session at the hospital this morning. She has been working with this therapist since January! That is 10 months of therapy! To celebrate this occasion, I bought Cassidy a card and gift. She is an extraordinary person and I will truly miss her positivity and can do spirit. Though Cassidy is a young professional, she has innate people skills and truly works to get to know her patients and then designs exercises that are tailored to her patients and their needs. I will miss her.

Cassidy tag teams with my dad's therapist on the weekends, so she will still be coming to our home and I will see her on occasion. But it won't be the exact same. 

After the session, where my mom worked hard, I took her to Starbucks. She loves our local store and everyone who works there knows us. They truly treat us in a special way, and carrying things to the table for me. 

I remember YEARS ago, when I was in graduate school, I was assigned to work with a young male client. He was struggling with depression. He was a bright and introspective man, and I can distinctly recall his conversations with me about Starbucks. My client would walk passed his local Starbucks on a daily basis. He wanted to be like one of the customers sitting in there, drinking coffee. Not because he wanted coffee, but because he wanted to feel like he was out and about in the world, connected to something, and living life to the fullest. Of course this was his perception.... that if you are in Starbucks you are doing okay. This client and his comments remain with me always, as I felt his pain, sadness, and despair.  

Now years later, I sit in a Starbucks with my mom weekly. Unlike my client, I am sitting inside, looking out. I am not necessarily sad or depressed, like he was, but I have a better understanding of the mood and his feelings, given my multiple of life experiences. This client came into my life almost 20 years ago, and yet I can picture him, our conversations, and the depth of his pain even now. 

Back then, I was very young myself, and did not have the same insights as I do now. I tried to empathize, be present, and provide hope, but now I may have supported him in a different way. Being young and with one's life ahead of me, I tended to have a particular lens on problems and issues. Therefore, I am not sure I was able to sit with someone else's pain, fears, and despair, like I can now. Unfortunately the emotions he was expressing are indeed part of life. So it isn't a question of removing or getting over them, as much as it is about absorbing, reflecting, processing, and taking that knowledge to move forward with them. 

In any case, whenever I go to Starbuck's now, I think this client and I hope he has found happiness, stability, and a way forward. But his comments remind me that people perceive what other people are doing in a way that most likely is not accurate. 

Tuesday, October 24, 2023

Tuesday, October 24, 2023 -- Mattie died 734 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. As Halloween is fast approaching, I like to reflect upon each of the Halloweens we had with Mattie. Last night, I posted a photo of Mattie with a pumpkin in 2002, his first Halloween. By 2003, Mattie was a year and half old, and was full of personality. One of his favorite stores to shop at was Target. In fact, other than that, Mattie really did not like going to shop. But I remember Mattie riding around in the shopping cart and together we picked out this cute pumpkin sweat suit. Back then I thought we were going to have a lifetime together and frankly though it maybe 14 years later, I still am not a fan of seeing kids running around, dressing up, and coming to the door for candy. This just reminds me of what is forever gone in our lives.

Quote of the day: Grief is a curious thing, when it happens unexpectedly. It is a band-aid being ripped away, taking the top layer off a family. And the underbelly of a household is never pretty, ours no exception. ~ Jodi Picoult

This morning I got my parents in the car and we all headed to the hospital. My mom had her six month appointment with her pulmonologist. My mom has several lung issues and thankfully is under the care of a great doctor. As cold weather approaches, I need to have strategies to support her, as last winter, she was on antibiotics for 30 days. Since my mom has moved in with me, she has gained 15 pounds, her blood pressure has stabilized, and she isn't living with chronic neck pain. So she has made great progress. Though she laments about missing California, life for her there was not sustainable. 

After her appointment and bathroom stops, we got back into the car and I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. Outings to eat are important for them, as it gets them walking, talking, socializing, and interacting with the world around them. It is something they both enjoy. 

When I got home and got my dad settled, I addressed one chore after the other. But I decided to do some yard work, since it was in the upper 60s today, and then took Sunny for a walk. This outdoor time is therapeutic. 

Meanwhile, the Foundation's October newsletter went out yesterday to supporters, with a remind about our Fall item drive. All these wonderful items were delivered today! I am so grateful Mattie Miracle has such loyal and steadfast supporters. To me this is a gift. 

The other good news was that I got my ultrasound results back and everything is normal. I do not dismiss this good news but instead I value and appreciate it. Most likely because I learned years ago that with any test, your life's trajectory can change on a dime. 

Monday, October 23, 2023

Monday, October 23, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. This was Mattie's first Halloween. He was 6 months old. I literally put him on one of our chairs and propped up a pumpkin next to him. His natural instinct was to reach for the pumpkin. So I snapped that moment in time. In other words.... baby's first Halloween. 

Quote of the day: I wish I had done everything on earth with you. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Early afternoon, I headed to the hospital, with my mom in tow. I had an automated breast ultrasound (ABUS) scheduled. I have never done the automated version of this testing before, so I did not know what to expect. My doctor ordered this additional testing, and wants me to do this as part of my annual screening. 

Obviously this photo is not of me, but I downloaded it from the internet, so you could see what the machine looks like. 

My tech's name was Cheryl. Just a delightful young woman. She asked me routine questions before I went to lie down on the table. First question that she wanted to know was whether I could be pregnant. I laughed! That would not only be interesting, but it would be a miracle. When she looked at my age and then looked at me, she questioned me. Basically she said I did not look my age. She already won me over, since the last few weeks I have had were hellish.

An Automated Breast Ultrasound (ABUS) is a newer approach to finding up to 30 percent more cancers in women who have dense breast tissue (more fibrous or glandular than fatty), even if that is their only additional risk factor. ABUS can be used to detect additional cancer in women where mammography alone may be insufficient due to their greater breast density. Using ultrasound, there is no ionizing radiation and ABUS is a quick, painless (well that is questionable), and an effective way to image dense breasts.

This testing took me about 30 minutes today, and Cheryl took three images on each side. It literally felt like your chest was in a vice and when the machine went over me, it felt like a very strong rolling pin. What I learned today was Cheryl became a tech, working specifically with women, because her mom died at the age of 46 from breast cancer. She told me she has been doing extensive testing for herself since the age of 26. Therefore, she was very clear and compassionate about the fears, questions, and concerns! Now I wait 3-4 days for results. Honestly I have to put this stress in some sort of box, because if I focus on this, I won't be able to function. If I don't function my whole household comes to a crashing halt. It is a lot of pressure on any given day. 

The highlight of my day was a very slow walk with Sunny and I got him to actually eat and take his chemo today. I celebrate the small wins here. 

Sunday, October 22, 2023

Sunday, October 22, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old. Though it was technically his second Halloween, it was the first one where he had some sort of understanding of what was going on. That evening, we went over to his cousins' house, to trick or treat in their area. Mattie tried to follow his cousins around, and did this through walking, being carried, and sitting in the stroller. The stroller was Mattie's least favorite place to be, but sometimes it was a necessity. In any case, this little pumpkin was not a Halloween fan that year!

Quote of the day: I'm gone now, but I'm still very near, death can never separate us. Each time you feel a gentle breeze, it's my hand caressing your face. Each time the wind blows, it carries my voice whispering your name. When the wind blows your hair ever so slightly, think of it as me pushing a few stray hairs back in place. When you feel a few raindrops fall on your face, it's me placing soft kisses. At night look up in the sky and see the stars shining so brightly. I'm one of those stars and I'm winking at you and smiling with delight. For never forget, you're the apple of my eye. ~ Mary M Green

This morning, after getting my dad settled, I decided to take Sunny out for a walk. I hoped that this would help reset his mood. Sunny has refused his medication and food now for two days. I am very worried for him, as I know how crucial it is that he take his chemotherapy. I keep trying, but I don't have the luxury of changing up food, as he has huge mouth sores from the cancer treatment. Making him leery to eat in general. Then add nausea and diarrhea to the equation, and well you know! 

Nonetheless, getting outside, seeing the trees and leaves changing were a welcomed sight. Sunny moves very slowly now and truly doesn't have much stamina. That said, I still try to walk him, as I think it is good for both of our spirits. 

Later today, I took my parents out for brunch. A Sunday tradition we established since they moved here. Of course no meal is ever complete without multiple runs to the bathroom (as my dad has irritable bowel syndrome, on top of dementia). My dad is like clock work and the routine can be wearing. In any case, during our first trip to the bathroom, we encountered three twenty somethings in the bathroom with us. They were hanging out by the sinks and literally singing their heads off. They were not flustered by people coming and going around them, in fact, even with toilets flushing they did not skip a beat. I frankly did not recognize the songs they were singing, but what I did recognize was they had talent. They sang beautifully together! After helping my dad in the stalls, when we got to the sinks, I asked these women if they were part of a choir or singing group! They said, NO! Instead they are cousins and they love to sing together. I literally told them they should take the show on the road. In a world that no longer makes sense to me, when I see young people with talent and gifts that can bring happiness to others, I take notice. Even my dad commented that it was the most entertaining bathroom trip he ever had!

Saturday, October 21, 2023

Saturday, October 21, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and at that point was zooming around our home. As you can see, he desperately wanted to grab a hold of Patches. Which was why Peter and I placed Patches pouch up high. No matter what Mattie did, Patches simply understood that she had to behave, she couldn't hiss or claw at Mattie. She was an amazing cat. This was a typical sight in our home though. Mattie loved pumpkins in the fall, and we always had a small collection going and of course, no photo would be complete without Mattie's sippy cup of milk. It was like his security blanket!

Quote of the day: The fact that something has happened to a million other people diminishes neither grief nor joy. ~ Author unknown

This morning my dad's physical therapist came over for his Saturday session. Two different therapists work with my dad. We met both of these women at the hospital, as they do private practice work too! In any case, today's therapist, also happens to be my mom's therapist. I absolutely love Cassidy, as we have worked together for the last two years, between my dad and my mom. In a way, she has become part of our weekly circle. My mom has her last session this coming week, and I will miss seeing this therapist on a regular basis. There is something about Cassidy that reminds her of me, when I was her age. 

In any case, I have been worried about my dad's decline and now today confirms what I suspected. Both physical therapists see what I am seeing. Cassidy told me that typically my dad can do a 45 minute exercise routine without a break. Not today, he needed to take three breaks. In addition, he could only go up and the down the stairs once. Whereas about a month ago, he could do this three times during one session. Needless to say, we see his rehabilitation doctor in two weeks, and I am going to have to have a conversation with him.

I took my parents to Rockville, MD. As we go to this restaurant every Saturday. In any case, the restaurant is fully decked out for Halloween!

Dawn, is our server, at this particular restaurant and she brought me fall flowers today. Mattie Miracle colors no less! These mums are very fragrant and the gesture of kindness is deeply appreciated. 

Of course no day would be complete for me without managing multiple bowel movements! When I drove home, I had to immediately get my dad out of the car because he had to go to the bathroom. Of course he did not make it and that meant another big clean up job. All I can say is, my parents are lucky I have a strong constitution. 

Meanwhile, the highlight of my day was receiving my blood test results from Friday. For six months, I have altered my diet to lower my cholesterol. I have been very successful and my doctor congratulated me. My first experience with high cholesterol happened right after Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. I was unable to manage what I ate, and ate a ton of carbohydrates (comfort food). Now with my parents living with me, my stress level is once again very high. But for me cutting out ice cream, bread, and cheese, always improves things and I am so glad in the midst of the nightmare I am balancing that I am able to be disciplined and also have committed to a walking routine (when I can). 

Friday, October 20, 2023

Friday, October 20, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old. I know exactly why I snapped that picture! I was playing a Baby Einstein video for Mattie, but look at what he was doing instead! Mattie spent very little time glued to the TV. He was a busy little fellow. As you can see, he was pulling out his videos from under the TV and was looking at each of them. He loved to stack them, sort them, and put them back in the cabinet. Mind you, you would think that Mattie would had no idea what was happening on the TV, if he was stacking videos. However, I quickly learned that he could absorb what was on the TV screen and also do other tasks. He was my little multi-tasker!

Quote of the day: The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living. ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

It was another long day on the farm, juggling issues with the house, Sunny who won't eat, and of course my parents. Later in the afternoon, I took my parents out for an early dinner. While eating, music was playing. This particular Clyde's plays a lot of 70 and 80s music. Which is just fine with me, since this is my favorite music anyway! Needless to say, two songs by Barry Manilow came on. Those of you who do not know, I have always been a Manilow fan. To me there is nothing like music. It has a way of revoking memories and taking you right back in time. 

When I was in 6th grade, I distinctly remember singing a Manilow song in front of my class. Not for the fun of it, it was for an assignment. So I chose..... I can't smile without you. Years later, once I met Peter, I introduced him to many of these songs. Peter was a good sport, and came to love the music too. In fact, over the years, Peter and I went on countless car trips together. Not just an hour trip, but we are talking about sometimes 12 hour car trips because of traffic. On many of these car rides, Barry Manilow came along with us, sometimes we were even singing along (as Peter and I officially met in our college choir, we loved to sing).

Now life looks quite different. I feel like the music has gone out of my life, or perhaps when I hear these same songs, they mean something different to me. Though I never felt this way when listening to these songs in the past, now when I do, they seem to highlight regret, missed opportunities, and feeling lonely and isolated. To me it is ironic the power of music, because music hones in on how I am feeling, and it is hard when struggling with things not to hear and see things through my own lens of pain. 

But here's the thing, ultimately hearing these songs at the restaurant today brought a smile to my face. Because despite the lyrics, the music itself transported me back in time, to our car trips together, when life seemed simpler and more hopeful.

Thursday, October 19, 2023

Thursday, October 19, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and this was his first experience at a fall festival. This festival had a petting zoo, and as you can see, Mattie got an up close and personal interaction with this sheep. To me this will always be a very precious and inquisitive photo, as both Mattie and the sheep looked like they were studying each other. 

Quote of the day: There are three needs of the griever: To find the words for the loss, to say the words aloud and to know that the words have been heard. ~ Victoria Alexander

After getting my dad up, showered, dressed, and had breakfast, I then got my dad settled in his chair and then drove to the hospital for a blood test. Typically parking is a challenge and I was preparing for a morning of stress. It turns out that parking was simple, the phlebotomist was fantastic, and I was in and out in less than 30 minutes. Even the commute back and forth to the hospital was easy. I figured this was a good sign for the rest of my day. 

Unfortunately my day truly unraveled out of control so much so that by this evening, I just couldn't sit still. Fortunately it was a lovely weather day, so I did lap after lap in the backyard. Of course I wasn't alone, my buddy, Sunny, was sitting down, watching and always in his own way lent support. 

Wednesday, October 18, 2023

Wednesday, October 18, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie's preschool was celebrating Halloween. This preschool was NOT a good match for Mattie. I will never forget what a negative experience it was for him and me. As everyday, I would receive a call from the director of the school complaining about Mattie. After two months of attendance in the school, he was dismissed as Mattie bit the director and a fellow student. Needless to say, any time there were events or trips in that dysfunctional school, I volunteered and tagged along. In a way, if Mattie wasn't dismissed from this school, we would never have landed up at his amazing preschool in Alexandria, VA. It was fate and in a way, that second preschool transformed our life and social circle for the better. 

Quote of the day: Time heals old pain, while it creates new ones. ~ Proverb

I was sent this article entitled, In this Shadow Life of Child Loss. Typically, I have to admit that I rarely find articles, lists, and reflections much help to me. I didn't from day one of grief and now 14 years later, I would say I feel the same. Mainly because losing a child is so heartbreaking and each of us manage this pain in our own unique way.

This article did capture my attention for many reasons, but the bereaved author mentioned two things which I quoted below.................

"I remember being told that the second year is often harder than the first, and when year two rolled around, I was grateful for that knowledge because I thought I was either going insane or sinking into a bottomless pit. Well, we are quickly approaching our third year, and dear one, it hasn’t gotten any easier."

"At every holiday, you’ll be thinking about the past, the before. When everything was okay, and you and the Jones were living life to the full. Now, the Jones’ are still living large, but you maybe don’t feel like leaving the house. Your calendar may become strangely blank."

I wholeheartedly agree with the mom who wrote this article. I think it is vital to educate newly bereaved parents about the journey of grief. Our society programs us to think that after year one of such a traumatic loss that we are going to return to NORMAL! Of course when this doesn't happen, and instead we find that year two and three are almost worse than year one, we then think something is very wrong with us. Like this mom, I believe it is important to break this myth. I try not to scare bereaved parents, but I do prepare them that this WILL BE a journey, a journey that most people in their lives (including family) can't comprehend or even help and provide support.  

The second quote I highlighted from the article discusses holidays! Rather ironic, as I was just talking about holidays a few days ago in the blog. You would think I have been at this for 14 years now, that I have LEARNED the art of managing and coping through holidays. Certainly holidays aren't as raw as they were in the beginning, but in many ways when you are raw you find ways to protect yourself. It is only after enduring such a traumatic loss year after year, that a total level of confusion, disillusionment, and sadness becomes pervasive. They have a way of clouding your entire life, until (if you don't work on it) it eats you up inside. It takes a lot of introspection and reflection not to be bitter. Not to be jealous of friends and the world who have healthy and ALIVE children. Yet no matter how much you work on this and rationalize the irrational, our calendars are a lot less FILLED during the holidays. This is just plain and simple, it's our reality.