Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and my parents were visiting. My mom snapped this photo of all three of us. I have so few photos of the three of us together, as one of us was usually taking the photo of the other. It was a special moment in time. The Peter you see in this photo is the REAL Peter. The man we all knew..... devoted to his wife and family, a hard worker, a team player, and community minded. The Peter in this photo would never do what has been transpiring since 2023. I stand firmly on this assessment and I believe there are many factors that explain the current crisis, none of which revolve around Peter not loving me. This is not a delusional wife speaking, or a wife who can't accept reality. NO, this is based on the fact that I was Peter's wife for decades and one thing I do well clinically and have about a 98% success rate on is assessing people and issues.
Quote of the day: When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they 'don’t understand' one another, but a sign that they have, at least, begun to. ~ Helen Rowland
Tonight's quote is key.... when TWO PEOPLE DECIDE to get a divorce! In my case, the two of us did not decide, there was no conversation, no communication, it was just decided for me and I had to comply. Literally I finally gave in because I couldn't handle the legal bills one more second!
After working with my therapist for a year, even she is on board with what is going on. She has helped countless couples and worked with clients coping with divorce. There are many, many inconsistencies about what has happened to me and what is most glaring is that two neighbors would team up, have an affair, get divorced at the same time, and move in together. That is just one thing in a long list of things that doesn't add up! I have been told for over a year that Peter and this woman weren't in a relationship, or even better that I am remembering my own relationship with Peter incorrectly! When I tell you I am working through being a victim of gaslighting, I am not kidding. But at the end of the day, I am well grounded. I know what I know, I know what I have experienced, and most of all, I know what love feels and looks like. You can try to reprogram my thinking and feelings, but SORRY, Vicki is Vicki, and no amount of smoke and mirrors is going to move me from my rightful position.
I had my therapy session tonight and my therapist is trying to get me to focus less on Peter, to worry less about Peter, and to solely focus on myself. I literally told her.... that isn't and won't be happening. The more you tell me not to do something or instruct me how to feel, the more I will shut down and turn off to what you are saying. You can't ask me, a woman who has been with Peter for 35 years, to just shut off those feelings and thoughts. Frankly if I were able to do that, I would think I was in total denial. When you have lived with someone for what seems like forever, you grew up together, parented, survived child loss, built a non-profit together, and were there during good times and bad, you become a part of each other. Which is why, Peter easily walking away, not being able to recall our memories together or missing aspects of his former life, makes NO SENSE to a rational person. It is a big red flag to me.
Sure I have to focus on protecting myself now, stabilizing my household, and trying to find a way in the world. But everything has to be done on my timeline. Because truthfully at any given point of the day, I could have a nervous breakdown. But there is no time for that either, as I carry the weight of the world solely on my shoulders in my household. Yet my mom, my lawyer, and therapist all warn me, that when Peter crashes and burns, he will be showing up on my doorstep. I don't foresee that happening. Truthfully even thinking about that doesn't help me right now, as the best I can do is take it one day at a time, and to try to figure out how or even if I want to find a way in the world. Some days, the jury is out.
2 comments:
Vicki - please forgive me for being so forward but I've found myself stuck on the following that you shared in a comment about your neighbor: "His mom used to tell me that Mattie was channeling himself through her son." I suppose that might have been well intentioned on the neighbor's part. But it also comes off as a little presumptuous and, at worst, maybe even manipulative. I have to imagine such things were (are?) said to Peter and I wonder what impact that has had. I know you said this situation has nothing to do with unresolved grief. But your neighbor's comment has left me with a sinking feeling. Again, please forgive me for being so forward. My thoughts are with you.
I would say you are very astute! You have put two and two together and have gotten a SOLID FOUR!!! When the comment (about Mattie being channeled through her son) was initially said to me, I bought it hook line and sinker. As you can imagine my vulnerability is Mattie and anything related to him! But you are correct, there was an underlying motive, and in this case I allowed someone into our lives based on this vulnerability. It was a big mistake, and what I have learned from this is being kind comes at a very HIGH PRICE! YES I agree 100%..... psychological manipulation is very much at play here and it has had a detrimental impact on Peter.
Post a Comment