Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Tuesday, September 14, 2010 -- Mattie died 53 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009 at Katharina's house. To me this is a classic! Mattie was wearing a colorful shirt that his technology teacher brought back for him after she got married. Mattie loved this shirt and his connection to Mary, and of course he especially loved the green creature on the front. However, please note Mattie's leg. You will see Ginny, Katharina's bird, sitting on Mattie's leg brace. Ginny and Mattie got along well together, and I just love how Mattie was not afraid of Ginny in the least. In fact, they look like two buddies sitting with each other in this picture!


Quote of the day: Losing a child is like a broken down car. To go in reverse brings painful memories. To go forward is too scary without your child. So we sit in neutral with our hands clutched to the emergency brake, hoping someday to find a way to run again. ~ Denise Bellion

 
It is quite true that last week, on September 8, Peter and I had to confront and acknowledge Mattie's one year anniversary. It is quite true that we completed every first without Mattie last year, from our birthdays, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's day, Father's day and the list goes on. These are all truthful statements, and naturally our society rightly feels that the first for anything is always the most difficult. It was a very difficult year for us and somehow Peter and I navigated our way through it, certainly with a lot of help and support, but we had our moments. Dark moments and moments I usually do not elaborate on in the blog.
 
With that said, today is yet another Tuesday, and despite the one year anniversary being behind us, I still reflect on the fact that this starts the 53rd week that Mattie has been gone from our lives. I count our loss in weeks, Peter counts in days. If you think this will stop because we have survived our "firsts" without Mattie, I assure you this is NOT and WILL NOT be the case. Losing a child is NOT a loss you get over any time soon. If you think it is, then my simple response to you is that you haven't lost a child of your own. I wasn't sure what to expect last week as we acknowledged and remembered Mattie's passing. Maybe I was too scared to think ahead and wonder what that would look like or how the second year would progress for us. One thing that I did not expect however, is that others around me would begin to treat me differently. Differently in the sense that one year has passed and therefore perhaps with that, internally things will have changed for me. I would now be happier, I would now want to go back to work (to a career that I have been in for over 15 years), and that I would now need less support. It is the subtle things that I notice, such as when I am no longer asked how I am doing. Maybe because I am deemed better by TIME, or that perhaps the answer is no longer important. I am not generalizing this to everyone in my life, but it is a feeling that is so pervasive within me today, and I obviously felt compelled to write about it.
 
Simply stated, and I don't like to speak for Peter too, but I think it is safe to say that CANCER HAS CHANGED US! So much so, that I can't see going back to living my life the same way I did before. I no longer have the same interests and priorities, and this applies to my future and a career. In many ways the second year may be even more challenging than the first because I am feeling more and understanding the loss in a deeper way. I am sure for some of you reading this, you are wondering what on earth is Vicki talking about!? We are here for her, we continue to read the blog, and we understand that the need for support does not expire after one year's time. For those of you, I am very grateful, because you realize that losing such a vital part of our world will always be a part of us, and something as devastating as we experienced can not be healed quickly.

This evening, Peter and I went out to dinner with Debbi, Mattie's sedation nurse angel. We meet with Debbi periodically and we usually spend the time reconnecting and picking up from where we left off. Debbi has and continues to be a wonderful support system for us, and when I told her about my feelings regarding the first year anniversary she listened and helped me understand that I am entitled to feel however I want and that unfortunately it is hard for others to understand the world we now live in. We live in a society in which everything is dictated by time, however, unlike other aspects in life, grief doesn't always follow a time line. We can try to squeeze it into a manufactured time line, but in the end, why? Do we do this because this is what is right for us or do we do this because this is what is considered socially acceptable and understandable? My guess is the latter, and my hunch is this will only cause further harm and inner turmoil if grief is handled this way.

I am sure it sounds like I am on a diatribe tonight, and perhaps I am. But when I feel confused and upset, unfortunately this comes through in many cases loud and clear on the blog. While writing tonight, I received an e-mail from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. As always Kristen remembered us on this Tuesday, as she has for the last 53 weeks. Kristen wrote, "Thinking of you this Tuesday and everyday. Much Love."